Day 23: Whose Weather Have You Been Tracking?

I needed to take a day off yesterday.

Not because something went wrong.

Because something went right — and I needed to stay inside it long enough to understand what it was showing me.

It took me all day to move through what surfaced.

What came up was a pattern I've been living inside for over 40 years.

Negotiating. Peacekeeping. Tracking everyone else's energy so carefully that I lost track of my own.

And I realized —

I had been living inside other people's weather for most of my life.

Today we're going into that.

To feel it in the body — and begin to recognize the difference between their weather and yours.

We'll move through a full visualization: the perfect day, the sharp wind, the heavy sky before a storm, the storm itself, and the clearing after.

This one's a little messy. I'm still in it.

This is a live replay.

Transcript

Hello everybody. This journey has been so profound and I needed to take a day off because I was processing something new that came through. I might be a little bit messy today as I walk through it because I've spent a full day healing and moving through it and coming to a place of understanding what was happening, The information coming through as I sit in my awareness. We're going to talk about that today. Let's just take a breath and just get grounded. So wherever you are, Just feel your body. Feel the weight of your body. Feel yourself sitting and supported. On whatever you're on, Whatever's beneath you, Whether it's the floor, The bed, The couch, The chair. And just take a breath in. And sigh it out. One more time, Take a breath in. And sigh it out. Yeah, My intention is I am showing up for myself. And the reason I had to cancel yesterday's live is because I needed to show up for myself and I needed to be with what came through in this journey. I was talking about Ignatia and how I had picked up Ignatia and I was taking it to begin to work on those deeper layers of grief. Ignatia is a homeopathic remedy. It's a big grief remedy, Although it's not the only one. And then I started giving it to my kids because we all had this major trauma that happened when my parents died. In 2021. So they are on it. All of a sudden, You know, It started soft. It started smooth. For me, It's been pretty smooth. But for my teenage son, It has had a different reaction. It is beginning to soften into a place where he's really expressing himself. And he had a moment, And I sat with that moment. And in that moment, What he was saying was so true and so real about me as a mother when he was younger. Wow, It really blindsided me. We lived in a house with my parents. This was before 2020, Probably going back to like 2018. I was homeschooling three children. My littlest was maybe one and my oldest was maybe ten. I was parenting them and homeschooling in the house with my parents. I was running three homeschool co-ops. I was working with the energy of my parents and they were in a time of their life where they wanted a little bit of quiet. I felt like I was constantly negotiating. Negotiating everything. If my kids were too loud, I had to be careful. I needed to keep them at a certain volume, I guess you could say, So that my parents wouldn't get upset, Because they were also helping us out financially. I needed to somehow work within the limits of what I had going on. On top of that, My husband was building for us, And I understood. He was under a lot of pressure. There was all of this stuff going on. I was trying to negotiate between the people living in the house, Care of my kids, Being the homeschooling mom that I was, I also was alone in many ways. And I had three kids. One, My son, Who was very wild. He was very wild. And so very loud, Had a lot of energy. The holding of it all was enormous. Everything was stressful. When my son came to this place of Ignatia and he started speaking about how I was a parent around that time, I was really taken aback. I started to realize that I have spent my whole life negotiating and being a peacekeeper. Even from the time when I was little and I had this free wild edge in me and there was this pattern of me needing to keep things quiet, Keep things in line so that other people wouldn't leave, So that people felt safe, So that people were nurtured. But I often left myself arid, Dry, My bowl was empty. I had this as a child, As a wife, As a daughter, As a mother. I was constantly working with the confines of what everyone else said life should be and how I should be in it. That's 40 years. That's over 40 years of doing that. And it would become such a strong pattern that, And I say this weirdly and uncomfortably, But when my parents died, It was almost a gift to me in the sense that I no longer had the structure of everybody else's things to negotiate in. And all of a sudden, I had no rules. I owned my own house. I was in my own space. I didn't have to to be in everyone else's weather. I didn't have to be negotiating for anyone. And that's been about four and a half years now that I've been there. And I realized through this thing that my son said, I got to look at that pattern of my own negotiating my own life, Trying to always be the peacekeeper, Always be the person who is not doing this, Not doing that, Or keeping everyone quiet or listening to what everyone else needs. And it's been four and a half years. And that was a gift. But it was really scary. It was really scary. It's almost like if you've had So many things in your life that you have had to answer to, And then all of a sudden, There's nothing to answer to. For the last four years, I've been in a place of fear around, Oh my gosh, I don't even know who I am, Right? Or how to run my life if I don't have to worry about everybody else's rules that I'm sitting in. And I'm realizing that over the last four and a half years, I've been slowly, Slowly creeping toward freedom in my own life, Right? Creeping toward the fact that I don't have to answer to anybody else. I can let my kids be loud. I see in them, I can really let it flourish and bloom and I don't have to worry about keeping them quiet or answering to anyone about if I'm doing enough in homeschooling or if I'm doing all of these things. And it's been four and a half years, But it's slow. It's slow. It's like I'm tiptoeing, Right? I'm tiptoeing towards being in a life where I don't negotiate everything, Where I can just do things. I can just watch. I can allow my kids to run around and scream and do whatever because there's no one older in the house to say, Be quiet, Keep them quiet. Keep them quiet. Keep them quiet. I kind of want you to understand the pressure that I was under. Like I was under pressure from every angle, Financially, In my relationships. I was under pressure to keep people quiet, To make sure that everybody was good so that nobody was upset. Because if someone was upset, I could have been kicked out or I could have lost financial stuff. So I spent 40 some odd years like that. And then when my parents died, All of a sudden that went away and I had to slowly move forward. Tiptoe into this freedom that I felt. And it's slowly been happening over four and a half years. I'm ready to just break out of the cage, You know. That's what this, I am showing up for myself. That's what this is about. I'm breaking out. I am standing in my life without the negotiation with everybody else. Right. And I feel like a lot of people feel this, And I'm going to walk us through a visualization about whether, Because in a sense, I realized the pressure that I sat in. For years in relationships, As a mother, As a daughter, So many things that I sat with that pressure. And I think we all have that pressure. An easy way to realize it is to think of it as weather. So we're going to do a little visualization. So wherever you are, Just come to your body. Just be in your body for a minute. You might close your eyes. If you're not closing your eyes, Soften your gaze, Yeah? Let your hands rest, Whether you're laying down or maybe they rest on your thighs. You can even feel warmth in the weight of your hands on your thighs. That's a very safe feeling, I find. And just breathe in. And breathe out, Sigh it out. And breathe in one more time. And then just let it go. And bring your awareness. Into your body. Might you imagine? Standing outside on a perfect day. Maybe it's a perfectly still morning for you, Or maybe you really like a little gentle breeze. Whatever is the perfect day for you. Just imagine feelings. Yourself standing outside in this perfect weather. Maybe the sun is coming up. Maybe there is a cool, Gentle breeze. Feel the sun on your face if the sun is out. Nothing is being asked of you. Just take in this beautiful day. Maybe the sky is open and clear and your body is open and clear and there's nowhere to go. Maybe your shoulders are soft. And notice what that feels like in your body. How your body really takes it in. How does your body feel it? Mmm. Where do you feel that sense of ease? Just breathe into that ease for a minute. Hmmmm. . . Yeah, Feel that. And just for a minute. Might you imagine the weather shifting? A wind picks up, And not the gentle kind of wind. A sharp or cold wind. That kind of wind that cuts through you, Right? And it's endless. It doesn't stop. It's relentless. Maybe it comes from all directions. Notice what happens in your body when the weather shifts. Do you feel like you have to brace? Or tighten. Or maybe you're constantly moving your hair so you can see what's going on. Do your shoulders come up? Is there anything clenching in your body? Just notice how it feels to stand in this, Like, A constant wind, A sharp, Maybe cold wind constantly coming at you. Just feel where that wind, That feeling from that wind. Lives in your body. We're not trying to fix it, We're just noticing. We're walking this path through the weather. Now might you for a minute imagine that the wind drops down to nothing. The sky becomes dark. Maybe it's heavy. That feeling of the pressure of the air before a storm comes. The storm's not there yet, Right? But the air can feel dense. It can feel full, Heavy. Breathe deep into this. That impending storm. Something's going to happen, But it hasn't happened yet. And you don't know quite when it will happen. It's that feeling of not knowing. Where do you feel that in your body? Maybe you feel it in your belly, Or your throat, Or your shoulders, Or your feet. Maybe it's a breath that's held. Just stay with it. Breathe into this feeling. And might you imagine now that the storm comes? It might be thunder, Rain, Lightning, Booming. Imagine yourself in the center of a storm. There's chaos, There's rain in all directions. Noise, Everything is loud at once. There's no quiet anywhere. And your nervous system, It becomes. Vigilant, Working overtime, Just to track what's happening. Feel that in your body, Feel that when the storm comes. Maybe it's alertness, Hypervigilance. The part of you that scans. All the time. Calculating. How long will it last? How bad is it going to get? What do I need? One breath here. Feel it in your body. And then the storm passes. The rain, Maybe coming down in buckets, Becomes soft, Gently. Slowly lightening up. The air begins to clear. The heaviness that was around you begins to lift. And you know that. Really beautiful quality of light and smell that comes after a storm. Everything is clear and clean. The sky opened up again. Feel that in your body. Begin to release. All the weather that came through. The shoulders drop, The chest opens. Your breath can come back to you. And notice the feeling in your body when you come back. Stay here. And want you to ask yourself. Without needing an answer right away. Whose weather have I been tracking? Not the weather. Outside. But the weather of the people in your life, The energy they bring. It's the parent who needed the quiet. Partner under pressure, The child with the enormous energy. Right, The room that needed managing before you could even walk through the door. Feel. Where you learn to read the weather. And where it still lives in your body now. Breathe into that. Take one hand. Place it on your chest. Feel. Your own palm against your skin. Breathe into your hand. Hmm. . . And ask yourself, What does my weather feel like? Right now, Right here. Not anyone else's. No one else's energy, No one else's weather. What do I feel? Right now, Right here. And breathe into that. You don't have to have an answer. It's just about. The willingness to ask. The awareness to track it. Because this is worth showing up for yourself. This is where it plays out. I am showing up for myself. I am showing up for myself. I am showing up for myself. Take one more breath. Inhaling. Sigh it out. And when you're ready, You can open your eyes. Move your body a little, Shake it out. I'm just going to offer a few questions that you can let land, You can let it float in the air, You can push it away. Whose weather have you been tracking for most of your life? What did you learn to do with your own weather in order to make room for theirs? And when you do feel other people's emotional weather, Enter the room. Where in your body do you feel it? Name it. And what would it feel like to let your own sky be the one that you tend to first? So this has been a little bit of a messy life because I'm still in this. I'm still healing this. I'm still tracking how much pressure I was under and how much I let everyone else's energy really run my life for a very long time because there were rules, There were scaffolding I had to sit inside, Right? There was weather that was happening. That I could not get myself out of. It changed who I was as a mother. It changed who I was as a daughter. It changed who I was as a wife. It changed who I was as a child. It changed who I was as someone who was dating people at one point. Constantly worked with other people's weather. I let them guide me. And I'm still working through it. So I'm still in it. I've been healing it since I realized this. And I hope you enjoyed that visualization because it's so beautiful to begin to allow yourself to see and feel not only where you are, But when someone else comes in to have those recognitions, Right? To have the recognition that, Oh, Wait a minute, Now I feel it. This isn't mine. This isn't mine. Where is my, Where am I? And how can I move from here? And this is showing up for yourself. Thank you for being here. Namaste.