The version of me I'm grieving.
Every time I think that I have moved through a piece of my grief,
It always comes back and it reflects back to me in different areas and facets of my life.
And I'm finding that recently,
I am grieving the me I was before my parents died.
I am grieving the adventure,
The excitement,
The spontaneity,
The ability to just move into anything I wanted to do when I did it,
Feeling that support,
That there was a ground beneath me.
There were people to hold me up if I did fall.
I'm grieving that.
I'm feeling the loss of an innocence in how I approach life.
I'm feeling the loss of a part of me that was exciting and adventurous and would do anything.
The part of me that would find 500 different ways to do something for my kids as a homeschooling mom.
The part of me that would just get up and go.
That part of me was there before my parents died.
That part of me that is still resonant,
That's still vibrational within me,
I felt that freedom.
And since they died,
I have become heavier.
I have become more calculating in what I do and how I do it.
And tired,
A lot of tired.
It is a struggle sometimes,
Even on my best days,
Even on the days that I feel inspired,
I feel I have so many places to put my energy.
And I'm holding all of it up,
Every one of those places.
And I often don't get to recharge.
And it has been since my parents died.
So I am grieving who I was,
Knowing that she's still there.
Knowing that there have been many gifts through my grief and many awakenings,
And that each one of them brings a new layer of depth to who I am.
But I am grieving that innocence,
That adventure,
That excitement that was so easily available for me,
That so easily just allowed myself to follow in the river of life and to find the treasures.
I found them so easily.
And I know she's still there.
I know that reflection is still in the mirror.
And I'm inviting her back in.
But first,
I have to acknowledge that things are different.
First,
I have to notice who I am now in this moment and what is missing.
I can let go of what I no longer need.
And there is a real resonant depth within me now that I wouldn't give up for anything.
I just wanna fish a little bit for that exciting,
Adventurous self,
That open and honest and innocent self that made things happen,
That kept things moving,
And that honored the joy in life.
