Reminder: Perfect Is Impossible

Chasing perfection is like trying to find the end of a rainbow. As we approach it, it shifts just a little further. The problem is that perfection is subjective. My perfect will not be the same as your perfect, nor will my perfect stay the same over time. This is true for exercise, family, relationships, careers, financial, or attainments of any kind. This talk is taken from the book: Reflections of the Self

Transcript

Perfection is unattainable.

No matter how hard we try,

We will always fall short.

Initial progress comes quickly and easily.

But as we progress,

The time and effort to make similar gains becomes exponentially harder.

To get a task to 50% complete may take less effort than the final 10%.

Chasing perfection is like trying to find the end of a rainbow.

As we approach it,

It shifts just a little further.

The problem is that perfection is subjective.

My perfect will not be the same as your perfect.

Nor will my perfect stay the same over time.

This is true for exercise,

Family,

Relationships,

Careers,

Financial or attainments of any kind.

When we attempt to reach our goal,

Our efforts change us.

Thus,

What we now perceive as perfect has also changed.

So we set a new goal,

One that is truly perfect,

And then start the process over.

We end up stuck on an endless loop of goal revision,

One that can startle all forward progress.

Take this book as an example.

God knows that it's not perfect.

There are likely spelling,

Grammar and formatting issues that weren't noticed through the editing process.

I could have made better word choices and eliminated superfluous paragraphs.

Could I have spent more time and done a better job?

Of course.

I could have put this book through many more revision cycles,

Shown it to countless alpha and beta readers and hired a second proofreader.

If I'd done so,

That book would certainly be better than the objective quality of this one.

So why didn't I?

Simply put,

This book is good enough.

The words on the page do a good enough job of conveying the meaning I'm hoping for.

The cost of the changes in time and money and effort would have outweighed the benefit of further revisions.

And importantly,

I wouldn't have had the space to work on my next project,

Or the next.

In fact,

If I'd worked with the goal of perfection in mind,

You'd not be reading this book at all.

I'd still be revising my first book.

Don't get me wrong,

This first chapter would be a killer,

But it would go unread,

Having never passed the perfection test.

I prefer to live by the done is better than perfect rule.

I aim to get things to an 80% standard and then move on to the next project.

This ensures that I'm able to share my art and grow.

I learnt many valuable lessons from finishing my first book.

The act of writing,

Editing and publishing and releasing it to the public taught me a lot.

Lessons I couldn't get any other way.

I'm now a better writer than I was prior.

Thus,

If I were to go back and revise my first book,

I'd be able to make significant improvements.

My current abilities,

Applied to revision,

Would result in a better book than had I spent all that time exclusively working on it.

It's not a stretch to know that future me will look back on this book in a similar light.

Don't get me wrong,

I want to create the best quality books that I can,

And I hope that you are getting something meaningful from this one.

But there is a need to balance the strife of perfection with the realistic constraints of time,

Money,

Passion and focus.

Put simply,

There comes a time when we need to say it is good enough and then to move on.

The truth is that no one is perfect.

You're not perfect,

Are not perfect and neither is the person you're crushing on.

Your parents,

Boss and favourite actors all have flaws.

Everyone can improve some aspect of their lives.

Even world champions recognise the importance of practice and self-improvement.

Our idols only appear perfect because from our vantage point,

They are far more skilled,

Successful,

Attractive,

Rich or competent than we are.

But if they were to have an honest conversation,

They would share aspects of themselves that they wish could be changed.

They would highlight the blemishes,

Reveal the gaps and show you the small tweaks that they desire.

What's more,

If we were to work on the areas that they excel in,

We would notice small areas where they are lacking.

As our skills improve,

We would get an eye for the game.

We would be better able to see the landscape and thus judge them in a fairer light.

Besides,

Perfection is subjective.

Take looks for example.

What you find attractive will differ from others.

Thus,

Even if you were to obtain the perfect standard of beauty,

Some people would not be that moved.

They may recognise that you look good,

But you would not be perfect for them.

It runs both ways.

What you consider a deficit may be considered a plus for others.

Too tall,

Large or small?

There are people into that.

Wrong colour or style of hair?

Skin not the right tone?

Too many freckles?

These are all factors that attract some people and to change them would be to diminish your beauty in their eyes.

What's more,

Your perception of perfection is constantly shifting and evolving.

What you idolise as beauty as a preteen will be different from what you will consider beauty at 45.

This same subjectivity is true for morality,

Intelligence,

Business and life success.

Some may consider your failures a success,

Or at least far closer to success than their current position.

Perfection is unattainable and to strive for it leads to suffering.

The process of going bald felt catastrophic.

Losing my hair signified the loss of youth,

Good looks and confidence.

It felt like the end of the world and I tried desperately to retain it.

None of the treatments worked and I was left contemplating hair transplants or even a scalp tattoo.

It sounds ridiculous to consider now,

But I had these thoughts on repeat in my mind.

When I finally bit the bullet,

Accepted my fate and shaved it all off,

I realised that I was fine.

For the most part,

Nobody cared.

In fact,

Many people actually preferred my new look and I discovered that there is a significant proportion of people who find bald men attractive.

Acceptance is the key.

I'm not advocating passivity.

The pursuit of perfection is a major motivating factor and quite useful,

Provided you do not let it get out of hand.

Our world is interconnected in unprecedented ways.

Global transport and instant mass communication have given us access to information and support structures that our ancestors could only dream of.

This is leading to a global awakening of sorts.

The more we communicate and connect,

The more we realise that we are one species,

Connected by the same hopes,

Dreams,

Fears and expectations.

Yet this connectivity brings its own unique challenges.

Social media grants us access to the people we would never otherwise meet.

At a click,

We see pictures showing us at their best times.

The winds,

The joy,

The connections,

The experiences,

The holidays,

The weddings,

The food they are eating and the people they're seeing.

Their feeds show us a perfect life.

And when the feeds show us the bad times,

It is sanitised.

Not a true representation of the event.

Rather,

Only what that person chose to post about the event,

Complete with a well-polished caption.

What we are shown is a highlight reel,

A filtered version of reality,

Full of amazingly attractive people,

Doing exciting things.

We do not see everything that our friends post.

Rather,

Our feed is curated by complex algorithms designed to keep us coming back to the platform.

The problem comes when we fail to see that that is what we are observing.

We just see perfection.

Then we compare that perfection against our lives and quickly realise just how mundane,

Boring and flawed we are by comparison.

We are privy to all our fears,

Doubts,

Issues and emotions and none of theirs.

Then we make false assumptions,

Believing ourselves to be imperfect.

Because when compared to the feed,

We are.

Real life cannot compete with curated fiction.

Yet this is what happens every time a casual scroll triggers jealousy,

Regret or longing.

In reality,

The people posting the very same photos that are making us jealous will themselves be scrolling their feeds and feeling jealous by our posts.

You don't need to abandon social media,

Just rather recognise it for the double-edged sword that it is.

If we know the inherent dangers,

We can better prepare ourselves to manage its impact.

Use social media to get inspired,

Stay informed and to connect.

But just take note of when you are using it and how often.

Detach and observe the emotions that it brings out in you.

And if you do not like the result,

Make some changes.

Or fear is an adaptive response.

Operating correctly,

Fear is a tool that shows us where we are at risk.

By heeding fear's advice,

We will have a better chance of survival and prosperity.

The issue comes when our fears get too strong and overwhelm us.

If we are so afraid that we can no longer act,

Our fear response is no longer adaptive.

Ironically,

When pushed to extreme levels,

The fear of imperfection can cause us to freeze and stop acting,

Causing the very imperfection we hope to avoid.

When our fears overwhelm us,

We get bogged down inside our mind.

Trapped in the minutiae,

Ruminating on all the things we are doing wrong.

All thought,

No action.

Mindfulness meditation offers a way out.

It enables us to see fear for what it is.

Just a collection of biological and physiological responses.

Mindfulness shows us that these changes are separate from what we are.

We are the thing observing fear,

Not the fear itself.

Let's approach this by way of analogy.

Are you a big toe,

Or are you the thing that has a big toe?

Most respond to this question affirming the latter.

Feeling that they are located somewhere inside their heads.

They acknowledge that whilst they can move,

Use and feel their big toe,

They feel like it's more of a piece of connected hardware as opposed to an operating system.

I'm the thing with the big toe,

Not the big toe itself.

Look at it.

I'm over here and it's all the way down there.

I'm the thing with the big toe,

Not the big toe itself.

I'm over here and it's all the way down there.

It is possible to observe our inner world with this same kind of detachment.

I'm the thing having the thoughts,

Not the thoughts themselves.

Look at them.

I'm over here and they are over there.

This analogy has further weight when we stub our toe.

Most of the time we pay no notice to the workings of our toe.

It's just there doing its thing,

Sending sensory data to the brain allowing us to walk.

We are so detached from this process that it's practically unconscious.

Yet when we stub our toe,

All our attention is instantly drawn towards it.

For a few moments,

We are the toe.

The sensations coming from it completely fill our consciousness.

Yet,

This is the same toe that moments prior was all but ignored.

The more extreme the pain,

The more completely we become lost inside of it.

Fear operates in the same fashion.

When we are anxious,

We can have other simultaneous thoughts.

Yet as anxiety grows into fear and then into terror,

We lose ourselves to the emotion.

The strength of the emotionality erodes our detachment and we lose ourselves in it.

We become irrational,

Primal animals,

Desiring the safety of the cave to hide in.

Yet,

Even with extreme pain or emotionality,

It is possible to detach.

This is not an easy process and the associated feelings won't simply diminish.

Rather,

Our connection to them will change.

By observing what we are feeling,

Whether it be pain from our toe or fear in our minds,

We start to see it for what it is.

With practice,

We can detach enough to add some space between the sensations and ourselves,

Enabling us to make better choices.

Perfection is an ideal to strive towards,

Not a state that can be attained.

Not by you,

Me or anyone.

Acceptance is the key to balancing fear of imperfection as an ideal state against the realities imposed upon us by time constraints and their limits on our energy,

Money and other resources.

If we accept that nothing can be perfect,

Yet do our best to try,

We will come as close as humanly possible.

If you are constantly revising,

Rarely finishing projects or perpetually working on incremental changes,

Then perhaps it's time to accept it and move on.

The fear of imperfection can blind us to the big picture.

It can make us work so hard on one aspect of our lives that the rest is all but ignored,

Leaving us perfect in one area and woefully inadequate in all others.

This is clearly not ideal for functionality or long-term success.

Look at your inner voice.

What kind of things do you tell yourself?

How would others respond if you were to speak to them in the same way?

You speak to you more than anyone else.

You are constantly in your ear and you are always listening.

Your inner voice matters,

So take some time and address it.

Highlight your accomplishments and successes.

Note the obstacles that you have overcome and the positive changes you have made.

Forgive yourself for the transgressions and embarrassments of your past.

You are no longer that person.

You learnt from those actions.

Commit to daily self-care and acknowledge the work that you are taking to grow.

Take stock of all you are grateful for in your life.

Remember the moments of joy,

Love and happiness that you've experienced.

Recognise that you are taking action.

Regardless of how imperfect you ultimately are,

You are moving forward.

You are improving,

So celebrate this fact.

You will not stop and you will not fall back onto old habits.

Because you know where that path leads.

Appreciating yourself and your progress will not take you off that path.

Rather,

It will help you stick to it.

You will see just how far you've come and how much you've grown and you will be able to accept the rest of your journey with ease.

Atelophobia.

The fear of imperfection.

The fear of not being good enough.

Crippling inaction.

Studded words.

No self-worth.

The fear of failure causing failure.

Not inability,

Talent or lack of opportunity.

Just fear.

Just anxiety.

Just unattainable standards.

Standards put upon by myself.

Standards forced upon me by the world.

Others can fail.

Others can be imperfect.

Others can have fun.

Just stop.

Please don't placate me.

I know no one cares about that stuff.

I know we all make mistakes.

I know I'm only human.

Reason doesn't stop the thoughts.

By definition,

Phobia is illogical.

My only solace comes from the diagnosis.

Knowing that I'm not alone.

Perfectly imperfect.

Together.

This talk was taken from the book,

Reflections of the Self.

The Poetry,

Insights and Wisdom of Silence.