I used to think that meditation was about elimination.
Elimination of thought,
Feeling,
Noise,
Sensation,
Distraction.
I remember trying to push anything uncomfortable and unwanted far away,
Criticizing it,
Labeling it as bad,
Kicking it tirelessly.
And when discomfort came back,
Like a trusty boomerang,
I thought it was me.
Something had to be wrong with me.
I used to think I should feel a certain way while doing it.
Bliss,
Joy,
Peace,
Clarity,
Wisdom,
Transcendence.
And sometimes I do,
But most of the time not.
Most of the time,
I am refocusing.
Refocusing from my thoughts,
My worries,
My daydreams,
My to-do list,
My dog barking upstairs,
The itch on my nose,
The song that's been playing on repeat in my head since yesterday.
Constant redirection and keeping my body still as best I can.
And through this mental focus and statue-like practice,
The mind and body begin to merge,
Linking together,
Forming a key.
A key to something much greater,
Much wiser,
Much more loving.
Something beyond the ocean's floor and past the stars and maybe even the Milky Way,
Letting me step back,
Detach in a way where I can see from the outside in,
Or maybe the inside out,
I'm not sure,
Where I can witness the thought and the worry and the daydream and the to-do list and the barking upstairs and the itch on my nose and even the song that's been playing in my head since yesterday.
But I am not swallowed by them anymore.
I do not combust into a frenzy of anxious dust,
Scattered into the tornado of each distraction,
Thrown to the next and to the next and to the next.
On the outside looking in,
Or is it the inside looking out,
I see clearly.
I feel the space between.
I am in the vast art of meditation,
Where this ongoing practice of focus creates something so much bigger than myself.