And really a lot of this comes from Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche where he wrote this whole book on spiritual materialism.
Just kind of cautioning us about the how the ego just gets trapped,
How it just loves to wrap itself up in spirituality.
And we're doing all the practices and we think we're doing everything just oh doing it so right and and we get really wrapped up in how we're appearing right and it's just still the ego but we kind of almost i do feel or at least because i went through it like i feel like that is part of it we do go through that right and then eventually someone points it out and we see it it's like oh my god i can't believe i can't believe i fell for it again i was just doing more selfing right if we go to sit and it's like oh here i am sitting and meditating me the meditator meditating happening the activity of meditating happening sure sure no meditator right this is the the thing so the ego back to your question barbara the ego is not you the ego is not you i'm the ego arises as we're thinking about ourselves right it arises in relationship to something else we're thinking about ourselves but it's it's a reference about ourselves but we're right here we're right here right but then in my mind i can be thinking oh but what do they think about like i can appear one way i can appear one way to to the world but in my mind i can feel like oh my god i'm such a fraud oh my god what do they think about me right and that's the one we believe but the reality is that each of us is an appearance we're born we arise we rise trillions of conditions right we're shaped our preferences uh our habits our personality shaped by trillions of different conditions different things that we're exposed to and activity happening doing happening but then the ego comes back and claims i'm the doer the ego comes back and claims i did that if i did something good i can claim that if i did something bad i will definitely claim that as well and what we're trying to see is that there is no one no thing behind any of this if you want freedom and i believe that's why we're all on a spiritual path because we want freedom you can't find it in a self-centered system so the ego arises through particular thoughts and then it passes away you're engaged in something you're doing something your your attention is there there's no referencing of self right we all know in those moments that we have those moments that they call like the flow you're in the flow you're in the zone right and you're really engaged usually we associate it with uh with uh with sports but it's often you're just you're really engaged maybe you're cooking something maybe you're writing something you're just really engaged and then all of a sudden you realize my god where did the time go right where did i go right because there was no referencing of self and it felt good and we didn't fall apart we didn't forget maybe you were doing something technical maybe you were you were painting something maybe you were just cleaning and you were just really here present we don't fall apart we think the ego says oh who would you be without me who would i be without you free because it's always whispering oh what do they think what's going to happen later you better get there faster right and that's we're trying to see it's like it's just this again how paul heterman puts it it's this programming of this self-centered system you're never going to change the programming you're never going to do that right just see you're not that but then in so many ways we get on a spiritual path and all we keep doing is reinforcing the ego reinforcing the the idea that i am becoming something or i want to not become something i want to not become what i am you know what i perceive myself to be and i want to become something better but we can't be one thing we're not a solid thing we're changing moment by moment by moment and all these different things affecting how it is that we're arising in each moment we're here we're we're seeing we're hearing we're feeling we're touching we're tasting sorry touching smelling we're tasting right we're having the experience of direct experience of being here we can read we can talk and then the ego comes on afterwards and goes you know i don't think you're sounding too smart there what happened back there what did you say what are you going to say next what do you have to do later later you better get over there you better hurry you better hurry and get over there when we rush over there oh let me get over there right we get over there and then we have a moment's relief and why do we have a moment's relief because for a moment we're not telling ourselves we need to be somewhere else but only it starts back up again and we keep believing it we keep thinking that's who i am we give all our attention to the thought created me we can be sitting in our homes perfectly safe perfectly safe in a comfortable comfortable chair the temperature just right because of the air conditioning right we've got food in the fridge we've got nice clothing we've got a little money in the bank there's no chance we're going to be thrown out of our house today or tomorrow and yet in our minds we see ourselves as a frightened little squirrel because oh what do they think about me no what's going to happen to me and what do i think about me and that's what that's kind of the same thread that's just happening all the time and so instead of just ah that's not me right but of course what we do is we keep doubling down and we keep thinking and thinking yeah that's the problem too that's a problem too what what else can i do how can i feel more secure right the ego is always wanting to feel more secure you're perfectly secure and safe in this moment and yet it tells you i need to find more security and yet you're perfectly safe and secure look at the ridiculousness of this system if you can't feel the safety and security in this moment when you are safe and secure you will never find it you'll never find it we've all done it we've done it a million times amy exactly there is no arriving there is that's great there's no arriving but that's what the ego the ego is looking for a place to land where i can land and finally be the perfect version of myself where everyone loves me i only ever say the right things i'm uh i'm only ever kind and people are only ever kind to me i never feel stress i never feel anxiety i never feel boredom i'm always just receiving tons of praise and adulation and and i just kind of float through life float because i'm just at this perfect landing place that doesn't exist that's the ego's idea of happiness and this is the chase that it's constantly trying to find something that we're never going to find we're never going to find it but because we so believe it's who i am we keep the chases on gotta get there and then all the resistance anything that's getting in my way oh the criticism oh the um the uh the blame or oh the the loss or oh the discomfort oh no or just the mundane moment oh no that's not my idea of how this is supposed to look this is supposed to look you know blissful and amazing and again the ego's idea of awakening the ego's idea and it's always going to fall short because while there will be blissful moments bliss comes and goes right it's the absence of the struggle the chasing the resisting the desire the aversion right those two it's the absence of that the wanting to become something the wanting to not become something it's the absence of that but we're so used to living in our heads we're so used to living in our thoughts and believing every little thought is real and thinking there is somewhere to arrive there is nowhere to arrive we're here and the peace is here the peace is the absence of the struggle the peace doesn't leave us the spaciousness doesn't leave us it's that we leave we go up into our little heads and then everything becomes very small and very limited and we start to believe we're this little limited self and yet all the while all the while our true nature is open and spacious and free and inherently peaceful and so what and we've done many talks on this we're not trying to become something this is a misnomer we're trying to see what we're not anytime you're trying to become something that's the ego i don't care how holy you make that image look how how kind how empathetic how compassionate you make that image look it's the ego it's still not you and it has suffering built into it because if you're clinging to that image the moment you stumble and someone doesn't see you as that image or all of a sudden you don't see yourself as that image then the suffering i mean the suffering is in the clinging anyways it's right there from the get-go but the real suffering oh my god why isn't everyone seeing me like this right i mean think about how much everyone will walk around and particularly sorry i'm going to back up real quick shanti felipe is saying because you can't see the messages if you log out and log back in again then you should be able to see them thanks felipa for mentioning that so think about everyone walking around like in monasteries or on retreats and everyone's trying to be so you know so mindful and we're trying to be so mindful and we're trying to appear as something right and it just takes one little thing and then someone freaks out right because they're trying to hold it all together trying to be something because the ego has this idea of what this is what this is supposed to look like and whatever the ego's idea of what this looks like isn't it it's more about it's it's trying to control it's still trying to control and there is no one no one independently here in control this is the other thing we've done talks about this right you know we so want to believe that we're in this world and we're sitting in the driver's seat trillions of conditions affecting what's happening if the internet went out right now i have starling let's say the internet goes out right now okay some of you hop on another live maybe you decide to go for a walk you know i might say oh maybe i'll go for a walk oh because it's actually cloudy outside too so it might be kind of nice go for a walk right so what what you know we think oh i decided to go for a walk well the internet went out happens to be cloudy probably the dogs want to go all these different conditions the next thing the activity of walking happening and yet the ego claiming yeah i'm doing this i'm the one doing the activity i'm the doer of the activity you're not there's doing happening activity happening no no one no solid independent self behind it i'm not saying that we don't exist of course we exist of course we do every single one of us is here right we're an appearance for 60 70 80 90 years right as meredith right now okay and there's preferences that meredith has and there's preferences that monica has and that felipa has and libby has and alice has right but you didn't create those preferences you can't decide to like one thing versus another now whether you you have that thing or another also based on trillions of different conditions and so this is the thing we're running around trying to control everything with this little ego self right oh i'm trying to control everything trying to make everything happen trying to make everyone see me in a certain way i'm trying to become something and then we go well i can't imagine why i'm suffering of course we're suffering right as opposed to recognizing right so when we come in and we you know we recognize what's happening and we're using yeah the suffering is the symptom sandy yeah exactly and then we're saying let's point back to what the real problem is right okay the sufferings here don't stay in the suffering trying to fix the suffering up here that's what created all the suffering don't stay in the same system we recognize it we feel it wow oh that was intense right breathe into it bring some self-compassion not your finest moment meredith yeah it wasn't yeah i'm reclined yeah we can ask ourselves to whom do those thoughts belong to whom do those feelings belong to whom does that action belong to and realizing it's just what actually activity was happening now it changed and there is no one in my thoughts this thought created me there is no one there that this is happening to but we so believe it it's like when we see the snake in the rope we're walking along maybe it's dusk and and we see something kind of looking like a snake and we stop oh we don't even really you know already our subconscious is already in action you know we've already been um stuffed dead in our tracks because it could be a snake and then we look a little more closely and we go oh no it's it's a rope it's a rope it's not a snake the snake could not have appeared without the rope the ego could not appear if there wasn't something here but once we see that there's no snake in the rope or we can even just see how the appearance happened because the light was cast a certain way we weren't really paying attention and kind of the way our nervous system is built to recognize snakes right and we can see that like oh i can see how it appeared but in fact you know it's really just a rope this is what we're doing in spirituality this is what we're doing with the mantras to see the chasing to see the resisting the comparing the narrating the judging the doubting and to see that there's a belief that there's a one behind all of this but every time we come in or every time we question it self-inquiry to whom do those thoughts belong we realized there was no one behind it none of us knows what our next thought is going to be and yet we claim ownership of every thought so it's the the claiming the uh the ego always coming in afterwards to claim everything and we've just let we've kind of let this assumption go like yeah there's a me here that needs to get somewhere else other than where i am and no matter how stressed and anxious i feel about it and how i have the sense of luck because i need to be somewhere other than where i am we believe that over what's actually here so okay deb do i mean physically not safe no if we're physically not safe we're going to react in that moment we should yeah absolutely yeah if there's some if we're unsafe yeah we should do every step to get to safety and usually in that moment we are reacting in the present moment oh there's something here we don't have the luxury of going up into our heads there's something here i need to get away from it and that's safe that's smart yeah we definitely need to do that but 99 percent of the time for most of us not everyone on the planet obviously and i'm not saying everyone in the west right but a good number of us are physically safe and yet we still keep believing that we're not yeah it keeps telling us that we're not safe because the ego always you know it's kind of it's like it always feels like there's something at risk there's something to defend there's something to protect um there's something else i need to be and it doesn't matter you can have i mean you can have good conditions a home a job some friends you know some time off to be able to go do some things you want to go do maybe the time to be able to be on a dharma talk on a sunday afternoon or monday morning in australia right we can have all these good conditions and yet the ego won't let us enjoy it because not enough not enough we can feel good in this moment maybe when we're here and i do find i mean that's the thing about dharma talks or satsangs that in that moment when you're hearing the truth it feels good because something gets freed oh right the kind of the the monkey off our back the ego it's like gets exposed and in this setting when we're not kind of caught up in it on ourselves we can see it we can recognize and go yeah i recognize that and it feels very freeing in that moment but then we we come off of the dharma talk and that little voice got to get over there and all of a sudden we're just already off to the races i've got a race to get there and as soon as we're even racing i just that first movement i'm racing to get over there right it's already happened right and that's why we're seeing the chasing there it is just my mind's already telling me it's already 10 steps ahead of where i am it's already telling me i need to get over there and in recognizing that right i'm using the mantras or oh that's the chasing and we feel the contraction the tension of wanting to get over there and it's like oh there was no me that was going to be any happier when i got over there the only difference and why it actually does feel a little bit better is because once we got there for a few moments the chasing went away but the chasing can go away much sooner the moment we recognize it the the the contraction the tension can go away the moment we write ah there it is and just breathe mindfully right and it's like oh okay wow wow i was kind of caught up in the trance caught up in the story of a me over there that was going to finally feel complete and whole but actually as soon as i saw as soon as i recognized it and just took that mindful breath because without the ego telling me i'm lacking i don't feel lack it's not the ego telling me that oh no but meredith you're whole you're complete it's not getting attached to any image and this is so much the problem because because the ego is always hearing this message too it hears it's whole and complete it's not whole and complete you are the ego is not the ego will always be kind of um just kind of stirring the pot a bit just will never be quite right there's going to be something there's just something a little off must be something that's wrong in my life let me go look for it and it'll oh here this could be wrong yeah that's true i didn't know that was going to be even think about that right and then we just get lost in it but the absence of it because we're not thinking about ourselves we're not using the same system is there is if i can even just say it like there is a sense of wholeness of completeness not because we we're saying i feel whole and complete it's the absence of the lack it's the absence that i feel lack because our true nature is is whole and complete it's only the ego that tells us we're not and we believe that and thank you julie thank you for the donation no i thought that was a good example felipa yeah let me go back because i know i went off on a little bit of a thing there so i'll come back and see if there's any other comments or questions so abigail you're actually the last comment i can get back to the goal i guess i would say it you know yes we want to be free it's to be free of the ego is to see that you're not the ego because even that i find it's almost saying okay there's a goal to be free of the ego it kind of almost sounds like another thing that the the ego would create right you've got to be free of me now i mean it is in one level yeah in one level it is but it's but it's by seeing it's not you you kind of you see all of its little antics and and we've all seen its antics we've all seen the suffering we've been on the bathroom floor and we've felt like the worst person in the world and a fraud and a loser and everyone hates us and then one little thing changes and it's like oh and all of a sudden we bounce back up again and like we're okay again and until something else a little bit later and we're thinking and oh but look at what they've got oh yeah maybe i should have that you know so it's it's seeing this over and over and over and kind of seeing this it's never satisfied you're never going to find it's insatiable and this is why when i ask the question i'm always you know the question of what is it that you want more than anything in the world in in the meditation and i ask this question to keep pointing us to what it is that's most important and when i say like not dependent upon the external world because i'm trying to point us to something to remind us what it is we most want like so peace peace yeah peace we want peace um some variation of that because we just so easily we say we want peace and then we go running off but no now i want to be a success now i want to have a hundred thousand followers now i want the new car now i want to be seen as a more spiritual person now i want to be more blissful now i want to be more something it's always i want to be something else other than where i am we never want to be actually that's that's that's it the ego can't be it can only become and yet we are a being a being right an activity a process right we hear it's like you want to flow with life how could you flow as a static solid thing right it's like the tide comes in the tide goes out sometimes we experience praise sometimes we experience criticism sometimes we have gain sometimes we have loss sometimes we have comfort sometimes we have discomfort right it's like the tides always coming in and out right but our reality is the space that doesn't change in that but we get so caught up in what's coming and going and identifying with it but being being not becoming being yes we are being we're human being we're being we're being right now right and and different you know thoughts feelings emotions changing moment by moment by moment don't get attached to any of them don't make any big meaning out of any of them it's just they come and they go but the ego gets so attached to it so it's just it's to keep seeing the insatiability of the ego this belief that there's a me like you can be sitting on the sofa and feel so bad about ourselves so horrible about our lives in one minute and 20 minutes later or a day later oh no everything's fine what changed right it's like it's just the thoughts in our head and so it's it's it's in recognizing when we're feeling that downness when we're feeling when it's really painting that picture right breathe feel it have some self -compassion have kindness come into what's here because that's what's happening that's what's happening the idea of me is a fixed loser that's just the ego's idea of what's happening there's some feelings happening here there's feeling a little down or feeling a little bored or feeling a little off whatever it is breathe feel it be with it and maybe you still don't feel great maybe you don't spring up after that but it's like yeah whatever it is there's some stuff getting worked out here a lot of old stuff still always getting worked out from us like it kind of like we think oh i'm seeing the ego and yet still some kind of feelings like oh yeah still comes it still comes but you don't get caught up in it because you recognize yeah i'm not that not that but let me feel it let me be with what's here yeah it's okay it's okay to be here with this it's just a feeling it's not going to last i didn't choose the feeling right but it's here it's here this is what's happening and if being is what's happening in this moment okay so we're with it and every time you do that what you feel what you notice is there's a sense of ease even in the unpleasant sensations when we're not pushing back on them when we're not telling ourselves this shouldn't be happening and what does this mean about me and my life is over and we go through this whole dramatic thing only for a little while later to go wow that was a dark period right and we learn a lot in those dark periods we really do we see how believable it is wow it was really believable but every time then we start catching it we we noticed and this is what we're doing i think in all of the dharma talks at least what we're doing here is i'm trying to expose all the little tricks all the little ways that it kind of pulls us up into this little fantasy world nightmare world i should say right and and by exposing it and by using the mantras so that we're seeing them again and again and again we're catching it real time you've got to catch it real time so you can see for yourself wow the peace was never over there it was the absence of these mind movements it's the absence of the ego not that the ego won't still be doing its thing it's still going to be doing its thing you know people will say oh i gotta kill the ego gotta destroy the ego like it's an illusion how are you going to kill an ego that's something the ego would say right it's just see you're not that and then when it kind of does its little thing you just go yeah look at it's doing its little thing yeah it's doing its little thing yeah it's not me it's just still a thought it's still a pattern and kind of the conditioning of the world that we live in and and what we're around and all our experiences and it's like but it's not me so there's no longer this kind of like oh my god i can't believe i had that thought i didn't choose that thought it wasn't me i didn't do it just arose right and so we just kind of yeah alice like i'm gonna kill my shadow like good luck with that good luck with that yeah and we just like we we don't know how this is going to happen i mean that is the other thing and i do want to mention just thank you michelle in ohio for the donation thank you but i think we also it sounds so appealing because there's so much suffering so much dissatisfaction so much unease in our experience which is really bizarre for if you think about the times that we live in i mean we live better than kings did you know kings and queens 500 years ago we have indoor plumbing thank goodness right we have showers hot water cold water clean water right i mean we have great conditions and yet we suffer so much i mean there's so much mental angst and mental suffering and and uh feeling like we're living the wrong life and if only i hadn't done that and this would have happened and and and we just spend so much time you know feeling so badly about our situation about our lives just kind of lost in this and so as we come on a spiritual path and it is the ego that starts us on the spiritual path that wants to end the suffering yeah i don't blame it yeah it sucks it sucks right and so we we come on it but we again because i was saying before how the ego will start claiming everything and it will make some identity out of me the meditator me the one that practices mindfulness me the one that's so compassionate me the one that's i've got the special teacher me the one that's done these special initiations i've done done all the right retreats i've done been to all the right places right it kind of builds some big image around it and uh and and it also kind of says i can make this happen if i just if i just do more i know i'll do more prostrations like i remember even thinking that like probably 10 years ago i know i need to do a hundred prostrations every night so i had a little thing where i would have these little pebbles and i would move one to each side every time i would do a prostration i just need to do more prostrations no you know what i need to meditate three hours a day i'm not meditating enough right and it's always this idea like i just need to be doing more i need to be doing more as though somehow we can control this too but it's again it's the same system we're just reinforcing the same system that i can make this happen but we're reinforcing the self again so there has to be this this this again there's there's a point on the path and we all go through this so no judgment we all go through this like it's just it's kind of part of the path but there's a point when you realize there's enough realizations enough kind of seeing the ego enough kind of really seeing what's going on to go oh hang on i'm not controlling any of this and in fact the more that i grasp this the more i'm just reinforcing the self and so there's there's kind of an ease that we start to find in like okay i am of the proponent this is where paul heterman and i disagree a little bit i think the practices help i think the practices have helped a great deal here i can see where we get stuck in them too i can see where we get attached to them no question i don't disagree with that but when you and in fact he wouldn't deny with this so if meditating happening but don't make a big thing out of it don't meditate because you think you're going to get somewhere it's just the activity of meditating happening yeah this is the activity there's no meditator here it's just the activity of meditating happening notice how much different your meditation is when you take your ego out of it or your mindfulness practice or your compassion practices right when you keep taking the ego out of it so there's a kind of a sense of like relax i'm not controlling this i'm not controlling this doing more isn't actually making it happen it's actually reinforcing the very self the very ego that's causing all the suffering so i find there's a balance and this is what i find is is is so beautiful about the buddhist path is it's the middle path don't go to one extreme to the other right i mean that's the whole buddha story about the extremes life as a prince then he was off with those ascetic monks for a while you know meditating all day in the hot sun barely eating anything and he's like man the luxury life isn't doing it this life isn't doing it middle path and even though we hear that we we do get kind of caught up no i need to i need to do more i need to do more i do think we need to be doing something i do think we there's there's some recognizing in the activities or where we're giving our attention to that are reinforcing the self right and so i mean definitely and i've said this i think where technology is amazing that we're all together here on technology and um but we are not meant to know what's happening around the entire world you know the news of every pocket in the world we're just that's too much information for us to stay in contact with a thousand people as facebook friends or instagram friends or tiktok friends whatever it is that we're not meant you know our it's it's just our nervous system the conditioning is not um uh it just it it it agitates our nervous system when the nervous system gets agitated that you know the ego gets agitated right jumps on that right and the ego is agitation right another way to really describe it it's always got to fix something it's always got to be somewhere it's got to get something out of the way right so um so there's this balance that we also have to find within our practice of kind of like saying like yeah activity's still happening and there was someone chris i think the other day i was texting with and saying they were kind of telling me he was telling me everything that he was doing and and uh and i'm reading this spiritual book and i'm doing this i'm like why don't you put those books down why don't you pick up a john grisham book why don't you pick up something like interesting right it doesn't always have to be spirituality right also like explore something like read a book read a book like instead of i wouldn't say you know go on youtube and endlessly spend hours there or on social media doom scrolling but read a book also like if we if if you think more activity and everything is around spirituality is going to get you there sooner you're just reinforcing the very self that we're trying to see that isn't us it's tricky it's i mean it's tricky but the one what we know also is is that it um it always comes with a contraction that's his calling card always comes with a little tightening here we are perfectly safe we're driving our car we're walking the dogs we're sitting on the toilet right and then it's but even that think of that oh no i gotta get somewhere else i can't sit here i gotta get somewhere else right notice the contraction right we're either chasing to get somewhere we're pushing something back and and in fact it's these really these two mind movements are happening at the same time i want to be somewhere else therefore i don't want to be where i am right if i don't want to be who i am i'm kind of inherent i'm i'm implying i want to be somewhere else there's no being in that there's no seeing how life is arising how we're arising and just changing moment by moment and really following the path of least resistance the ego doesn't follow the path of least resistance but i find the more there's a letting go i'm not in control i'm not in control i'm not in control i'm not doing any of this right and the more of seeing that and recognizing i can't make this happen there's it's happening more the less pressure there is that's put on it and even in that moment you know there's there's there's um you know you can see the ego coming into grasp at a moment later right kind of wasn't here there's just presence right no me there's in presence there's no me no me no self in presence no self in presence um so in that right in the presence and then just see a moment later than the ego comes in oh i make the stay i gotta keep this i did it right you didn't do it ego you weren't there for it right and so it's just to see that as well it's just to see oh yeah oh oh well look how quickly it comes in to grab onto that and you're just like wow i see that too and just breathe and oh it just will keep coming in and trying to claim it it will keep coming in and trying to claim it and yeah michelle i'll post this entire talk yeah yeah let me go back a little bit because i'm sure i'm missing a whole lot of things here oh chris yeah beautifully said i'm just going to repeat what chris said back here because it was 30 minutes ago there's nowhere to go and no one is coming to save you that last part gosh we could do a whole talk on that chris there is no one coming to save you the ego just loves that idea that someone's coming to save me no um your ego is your own worst enemy you have to refinish it yeah just surrender control and expectation of a desired outcome yeah yeah okay alice you're saying one of your ego's favorite things to say when you're upset is am i safe what's this mean about me and who's at fault who's to blame was probably saying i'm not safe this means something terrible about me yeah yeah because it never feels safe it's always just kind of like just sitting on the knife's edge and it's always kind of like oh what can you do to make it feel safer nothing nothing okay bye bob good to see you i think actually i was just coming up to your comments here your oh your ego wants you to me to read your earlier comments but it will accept it if you can't sorry i couldn't get back there oh and nancy oh nancy i hope you're still here too nancy oh nancy from tucson yeah the seventh mantra is peace is not doubting and we've got all the classes up on the group page they're all there now what's chris saying about the nuts i can't see that now yeah so ego versus id or identity stephanie it's it's the same thing the ego it's always giving us these different identities right these different images of who we we are going to become or the unworthy image of oh i don't want to be that right and of course we do say this right we do hear it like don't be don't have a big ego right but um and some people do have more extroverted egos or more uh obvious egos than others but even in the you could see just the person that's as quiet as a mouse and they appear you know they're not boasting about themselves and they're not um uh trying to impress anyone on the outside they're quiet as a mouse but inside their ego is just chewing them up so we'll often say like oh yeah look at him he's got a big ego yeah the ego it can it can it can show itself in different ways based on people's different conditions of course but make no mistake about the suffering of the ego right and of course because in there in the ego is the identity the claiming of some identity right and and what i'm saying is that any identity is going to give you suffering because that's ego if i if i you know if i'm like oh i have to go on and be the good teacher today i have to be a great teacher today like what if i'm not what if the talk is terrible some of you probably didn't like it some people probably come and gone yeah i can't please everyone and i can't you know i i can see that wanting to do my best but i can also see when it starts to turn and it's like oh oh you want to appear that way no one wants to hear from my ego right in any way that we create an identity just going into a into a a meditation home wanting to appear as the the good meditator the quiet meditator the still the mindful person there's suffering in that there's suffering in any image any identity on a conventional level like we have different roles yes right now the role of the teacher right but that's when i log off here there's no teacher teaching arising in this moment there's not going to be any teacher in 20 minutes it actually never was a teacher but the teaching isn't going to be happening right it's going to be feeding the dogs happening having some lunch happening right that there's no one but if there's if there's a clinging to any identity then there's just so much suffering around it and think how much we we cling to the unworthy image i mean that's amazing that we cling to that image the image i'm a loser the image my life sucks the image i've made too many too many mistakes in my life and not accepting that the life that we have but it doesn't mean that the voice is going to stop it's always going to try and go well what if you had done that merit your life would be different if you'd done that yeah would have been but at the time that's what happened and so thinking about like how much time and i know because i had this thought not too long ago maybe a couple years ago where there was this kind of realization that oh maybe i should have had kids now of course i'm 61 years old a little late to be thinking about that right but there was i'd never wanted kids in my life and there was just this kind of all of a sudden like oh maybe i should have wanted to have kids right and for a moment i could feel that kind of oh my god did i make a terrible mistake and it didn't take long though to realize like oh it could have gone that way in life didn't right this is the way it went and this is the life that i have and in recognizing ah yeah yeah just a moment of it and i think maybe probably a normal thought for someone you know an older woman and if we didn't have children maybe for some older women like me maybe they're wishing they didn't have kids because no matter what it is there's always going to be this little bit of a moment of oh but maybe i should have done that if i have kids and i'm married then i think oh look at the single person with no kids and think oh wow look how great their life is and then the single person looking at the other person and thinking oh wow great how great their life is and in that moment how quickly we can all of a sudden not appreciate that the life we have because i do appreciate the life that i have it's very free it's got a lot of space and a lot of time it's very quiet and i like that but then the ego oh but what do you think could have done this could have could have that's not the way it played out this is the life i have and so it's also about recognizing to appreciate the life that we have because the ego won't let us do that it's going to want to go back over every decision no you should have done that you should have done this should have done that and it's like however it happened you can't change it and it wouldn't have gone any other way that's the way it went being without a uh without this monkey on our back we can spend our whole lives trying to have a different life and miss the life that we have right here it's crazy because this is the experience that we're having this is it and we miss seeing what's here because we're thinking i should be somewhere else i should have done something else we can spend our whole lives wishing to have been someone else and missing the being of who we are that's pretty crazy right that we can do that and goodbye ruth good to see you and uh oh shanti we started at noon pacific time uh i like that what your friend says alex i'm sorry alice god is the architect and you're simply the pencil holder yeah we're not doing any of this but enjoy the ride that you are right there's ups there's downs there's a lot of mundane moments in between but even in those mundane moments right just when we're hearing like we're really hearing what's here bird sounds right now known i can hear a little bit of the wind the air conditioner all right and seeing feeling ourselves kind of feeling the breath feeling ourselves sitting in a chair and then something's going to change something's going to change in a moment right so there's the spaciousness in this moment of really being being here and something will change a sound will come into being and pass away a little bird will come and being maybe it'll flutter across you know maybe someone comes in with a little comment you know it's always changing we get so stuck in our heads of thinking ah just we think that oh my life's so boring and it's all so repetitive and it feels so the same because what's boring and repetitive are the stories the stories of me always needed to be somewhere else but in dropping the stories we're more open to what's here and it's constantly changing there's nothing to hold on to there's nothing here that could possibly hold on and it's and it is really just following that path of least resistance there's some hunger arising and you go to the kitchen and you get some food and as you're getting the food notice pay attention as your hand starts to reach for one item versus another item right because there's such i'm choosing this and then just notice how it kind of goes for one thing versus another and like oh man this is all just kind of seemingly happening right and then as you sit down and you're eating your food and you're actually tasting the food you take a bite and maybe the fork goes down you're like huh and just really paying attention to how things are happening if you we're always again coming in afterwards i'm the one that chose that i'm the one that did that but in the in the moment of activity happening when we're paying attention you can't find a one that does it it's just all happening it's just all happening and so you're you know everything kind of there's a getting up then maybe a move you're wanting some movement some activity maybe you notice something at a corner of your eye and you need to oh i should wipe that up and you're just noticing as you're going about your day then right maybe one of the dogs is barking at the door and you go oh okay i'll let the dog out now and each time noticing like what were all the conditions that went into this i thought i was the one that was kind of driving this whole ship making this happen but actually what i'm seeing is that my biology everything in here whether i'm hungry or not whether i have to go to the bathroom or not whether i feel like i need some activity or not all of that kind of you know propelling some motion and then again what's happening in all the conditions around us the weather what's happening the people around you the animals around you what your eyes are falling upon oh yeah maybe i should do that oh yeah right what interests are arising and then there's this noticing that it's just all happening and even and in that they're realizing oh there was never anything to become i was on this whole enlightenment game thinking i was becoming something and you see the trap you're like there was no one to become it's just being it's being and and seeing how life is unfolding and how you're moving because it's still all the activity is happening it's all happening you thought you were the doer of all that activity no just the ego kept coming in to claim it and you just believed it so doing still happens but it just happens in a more i guess the best way to describe it's just the path of least resistance oh that's what needs to get done now okay that's what needs to get done now yeah okay all right and maybe it's just you're sitting on your patio and you're just looking up at the sky maybe at the stars it's the birds your puppy dogs your flowers your children and that recognition of all the conditions that have come into this moment this moment that we that we throw away so quickly because we think there's a better moment and it's like yeah this is what's rising that's pretty cool so just we want to see what we're not we want to see what we're not don't try and become something that's another trap of the ego another trap and all the mantras are to help you on to help you see this see the chasing the resisting the comparing the judging the narrating the doubting the psychological pressure of time and so see dad that's the question we're like well who what's doing this what's being yeah ask that question you can't find a thing there is no thing it's all just happening it's it's kind of like like like on a billiards table like you know kind of the first ball the first thing happens right and then it hits the other ball and all the other chain reactions are happening right and it's all just happening because then you would say well who's doing it you're like it's all just happening it's all just happening but then the ego's like but there has to be someone that's doing it there has to be some doer it has to claim something it's just doing it's just being it's just like it's just seeing it's just feeling it's just hearing i'm glad you're looking up at the sky right now barbara so d where you're saying to alice's quote about the architect you're simply the pencil holder what What about the chair that you're sitting on?
Sure,
You're sitting,
Sitting happening,
Sitting happening.
No one sitting,
Sitting happening.
Because this appearance of sitting is going to change in a moment.
It's going to be standing,
It's going to be walking.
The conditions came together,
Whatever conditions were arising,
The billiard balls already happening.
And often God being the more religious term that people use,
But we could also use it in that term of just consciousness of what is fundamental,
That all this is just playing out.
But it is,
It's a good question because this is where each of us needs to look for ourselves.
This can't be intellectual.
Ego can,
Oh,
It can hold up to an intellectual understanding of this.
What it can't hold up to is directly inquiring and looking at it.
And so Alice and Macon,
So both of those,
Well,
So first Alice,
Wanting to be peaceful all the time.
Of course,
That's the ego.
It's looking for somewhere to land.
And it has an idea of what peaceful means.
So the ego's idea of peaceful is,
I don't have any problems in my life.
No one's ever criticizing me.
I don't have any big bills.
All my neighbors are being quiet,
Right?
That's its idea of being peaceful,
Right?
And then Macon,
When you're asking,
You know,
I want to be the vessel for peace in the world.
What I would say to that,
And what I would say is that just peace,
Just peace.
And that's why,
Again,
When I asked the question,
What is it that we want more than anything?
It's not to stay peaceful all the time.
It's peace,
Not to try and grasp and hold on to anything.
And I think,
You know,
Wanting to be the vessel for peace in the world,
It is the ego wanting to appear as something.
But when you recognize it's peace,
When the peace is here,
Ironically,
I think that's the right word,
Peace is what,
You know,
If there's more peace arising here,
Not because of anything that I did,
But all the conditions,
Right?
All the pencil moving or something,
Right?
Their architect,
Right?
Nothing I did.
But peace here,
It tends to filter out to other people,
Right?
So just peace.
Yeah,
Peace.
We want peace.
And peace is only found in this moment.
And the ego cannot exist in this moment.
Ego can't be here in this moment.
It will never accept what's here in this moment.
Because even in peace,
And when I say like,
There can be a bit of stress happening,
It doesn't mean that we won't ever experience stress.
If something's happening and stressful,
Like,
Yeah,
Stress is happening.
But in the recognizing,
Oh,
Yeah,
This is what's happening now,
I got to move a little faster,
I got to kind of whatever is happening.
But in that recognizing of just this is what's happening,
There's even a sense of ease and peace there because I'm not fighting the stress.
Normally,
We're fighting the stress.
This shouldn't be happening.
Or if one more thing happens,
I'm going to fall off a cliff,
I'm going to explode.
All right,
We kind of,
Oh,
We kind of create the conditions for the volcano.
But it's just recognizing,
Yes,
Stress happening.
Yes,
Stress happening,
Got to move.
I'm going to miss the plane.
Okay,
So let's run.
Let's go.
Let's see.
Let's see if I make the plane.
If I do,
Great.
If I don't,
Okay,
Let's see what happens.
Let's see what happens.
So it is also just very much a let's see what happens.
But remembering the peace that it is that we want can be a very helpful pointer,
Just a helpful pointer to not get caught up in the ego wanting to be something else,
Wanting to be peace,
Wanting to,
You know,
The ego's idea of,
Oh,
I'm going to be peaceful all the time,
Right?
Its idea is not what real peace is.
Its idea is never what it is.
A good question,
Because now you're seeing the little subtleties of it.
Yeah.
So Marianne,
You're saying when you were in Bolivia,
At the salt flats,
Your nose was very dry.
It was painful.
You caught yourself feeling miserable.
And you reminded yourself that you're a very unique place that you'll never be again.
And when you talk about your trip,
You get very excited and tell people how cool it was.
And I have to remind myself that I was on the verge of wallowing in misery.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Isn't that funny?
Yeah.
How when we repeat things that we kind of leave some of those parts out.
But seeing it doesn't matter where you are.
You could be in a salt flat in Bolivia.
You could be stuck on the freeway in Arkansas.
If you're not resisting what's happening,
Even with a dry nose,
With a achy back,
If you're really here with what's happening,
The feeling of the back,
The feeling of the ache of the dry nose,
Like using the drops or using whatever it is you need to use,
But you're not resisting it,
There's a sense of ease in that.
It's not the external conditions.
I mean,
To some degree,
I'm not going to say exclusively external conditions don't play a little bit of a role in our experience,
Particularly in the beginning of our path,
That they can play a much,
Having a little bit more peaceful conditions,
Like not living in a construction site or something.
I'm not saying that there can't be some external conditions that can be a little bit more helpful.
But ultimately,
Once there really is the true recognition that the,
I don't want to say the true recognition,
Once you've seen enough that you're not the ego,
It almost doesn't matter what conditions you're in.
And if the conditions arise and you have a little bit of a meltdown,
Like,
Oh,
That's what happened.
That's what happened,
Right?
It's just not a big problem.
It's just not a big problem.
We make everything a big problem because,
Oh no,
Now I'm supposed to be enlightened.
Now I'm supposed to be awake,
Right?
And some awakening,
It comes and it goes.
It's just you're not getting so caught up in it anymore.
Yeah,
Sandy,
Probably I shouldn't have said Arkansas.
I don't know,
I was thinking of a place.
Because Arkansas is quite beautiful,
Actually.
But just trying to kind of give that reference point of,
You know,
That we're always thinking about if I'm off on the fabulous holiday,
If I have the better conditions,
That I'll feel more at peace.
You know,
The peace really is,
It's an internal,
It's internal.
It's whether we're grasping or not.
Not saying that we can't feel discomfort,
Or maybe even our nervous system is a little bit heightened at that moment,
But it's not making an image out of it.
Because whatever is happening is happening.
And the tide goes in and the tide goes out.
But what it's going in and out of isn't changing.
There's something here that isn't changing.
But everything is arising and passing away.
Everything else arising and passing away for this to arise and pass away in.
And there's a a peace in seeing that everything is arising and passing away,
And none of it's personal.
None of it's personal.
Yeah,
Not to let one thing,
Yeah,
Ruin our entire day.
Like just,
Yeah,
Something happens,
It goes wrong,
Maybe we hurt ourselves.
Like not to deny what's happening either.
But we kind of,
Oh,
I can't believe this happened.
I can't believe they insulted me.
Like why?
People,
Millions of people around the world right now are getting insulted.
I can't believe they talked back to me.
Millions of people around the world are having that experience.
Why would we be any different?
Might be a little unpleasant in that moment,
But yeah,
We don't have to carry it around with us.
Yeah.
Okay,
I know I didn't get to all the comments.
I'm so sorry.
But I do think the conditions are here where it is time to change.
And so we'll just start to say goodbye to some of you.
