Hello and welcome to Five Minutes in Nature with me,
Liz Scott,
Up on a rather cold,
Damp Dartmoor.
I was walking up quickly to get up onto the moors because I was feeling so chilled.
It's a dampness that gets right beneath your clothing,
Beneath your skin,
Into the depths of your bones,
Into the marrow.
It's that kind of cold.
On the thermometer,
It's not that cold,
But the dampness really makes it feel chilly.
And it was lovely to see,
Actually,
In the grayness of the day,
Some tiny little tormental yellow flowers.
Was peeping through the grass.
They were like little cheery yellow brightness on a rather grey day.
And today's reflection is all about changing people,
Or I guess maybe a better way of putting it is how it's impossible to change people.
I spoke about this recently and Sandra made a comment and I've been reflecting on it ever since.
And she was just saying how difficult it is when someone you love is finding life hard and that she particularly finds that she sometimes might seem to nag because she wants her loved ones to feel better.
And I thought,
Well,
I'm going to just talk to that today.
You see,
I don't have any simple fix to make someone feel better.
I don't have a simple fix to have somebody stop being stressed or anxious or worried.
But what I do know is that when we love someone,
We so deeply want the best for them.
We find it hard seeing them suffer.
And I just wanted to speak to that today.
And there are two things really I want to speak to.
One is that You can't change someone and so really all you can do is turn up and love them.
So that's the first thing.
But the second thing is about being clear actually.
It is okay.
To communicate clearly what it is you feel would help them and I'll give you a couple of examples because for me it makes sense to be clear in my communication rather than endlessly seem to nag or drop hints or try and find ways of nudging them to do what I think they should do in life being like a backseat driver in somebody's life So,
First of all,
Be clear in your communication and let me give you a quick example.
A friend of mine whose son was taking GCSEs,
He wasn't doing enough work and she found herself getting really frustrated with him,
Nagging him,
Cajoling him and nudging him to do the revision to get past and through the exams.
And then it just occurred to her one day that her relationship with him was suffering and she found that the only communication she seemed to have with him was to nagging him and the connection that they had felt was not so warm and buoyant as it had been.
So she just told him,
She said to him one day,
And it came to her as a form of inspiration,
An insight.
She just said,
Look,
I really want you to do well in your exams,
But it's not my responsibility.
And so from now onwards,
I'm not going to nag you.
I'm not going to tell you to do your revision.
I'm just going to turn up and support you.
And if you want help from me,
Just let me know how I can help you.
" And that's what she did.
She didn't nag him from that day onwards.
The relationship with him deepened once again.
And he did a bit more revision than she'd expected,
Much more revision than when she'd been nagging him.
And he did okay in his exams.
So she realised for her that she needed to communicate clearly the message,
But then just turn up and love her son.
It's the same with somebody else I know who married someone who I didn't think was suitable for them.
And weeks before they were about to get married,
I knew I needed to communicate this clearly and then just put it to one side.
And I did.
I said,
Look,
This person you're marrying,
I don't think it's the right fit for you.
I would really strongly recommend you don't marry this person.
And I'm just going to turn up in the future and love you and care for you.
But I don't think this person is right for you.
As it was,
She married him and is still married to him.
And sure,
It has its ups and downs.
But I feel as though I communicated what I needed to.
I'm not responsible for who she marries.
But what I am responsible for is turning up,
Loving and supporting her.
And that's what today is all about.
It's about reminding you to keep bringing your awareness back to love.
Back to your own light and shining it in the world.
You can't change others,
But it's okay to communicate clearly what you want to be communicated.
And then just allow your relationship with them to flourish and turn up and love them.
Let me know your reflections on this.
And don't forget to join me again tomorrow for another five minutes in nature.
