Hi everyone and welcome to my monthly live about self-gentleness.
My name is Femke Bakker and I'm one of the meditation teachers and especially a self-gentleness teacher here on Insight Timer.
Since the beginning of this year I started every month with focusing on specific steps in the self-gentleness journey and today that is creating healthy boundaries.
So I would really love to hear who you are,
Where you are in the world and why you are drawn to this topic today.
What is it that you have with boundaries or maybe do not have with boundaries that you want to learn about?
Let me just take a look at the comments,
See who is coming in and then in a few minutes I will continue with you guys.
Hi Annemiek,
Hi Lauren,
Hi Lynn,
Mary,
Tanya,
Mona,
Catalina,
Stephanie,
Joanne,
Hi John.
So lovely to see you all and I see you know you're from all over the planets.
From Australia,
From America,
Scotland,
Canberra good morning,
Craig to you and I'm so happy to be here again.
It's always waiting for my monthly live you know and I'm really looking forward to see you all guys.
So good morning,
Good evening from France,
Good morning Tanya.
I read France and New Zealand at the same time.
From Scotland,
Istanbul,
Hi Mirai,
Lovely and Martina from Berlin.
I so love that everyone is coming from different places that's really really great.
So hi Femke,
It's been so long since I've attended one of your lives.
Joining from California,
Wow thank you so much Jay hearing about that.
I just was in California in April and I'm so enjoyed.
It was the very first time I was in California.
We traveled from San Francisco downwards to Los Angeles and it was so beautiful.
I really wouldn't mind to live there.
Hi Sarah from Belgium,
That's pretty close to me because I'm residing in the Netherlands.
Margot from Canada,
Catalina from Holland just like me and Lynn is tuning in from the Netherlands and love to finding a way to set better boundaries for yourself and others.
Really thank you for sharing that Lynn,
That's really great.
Yeah because that's the topic of today.
Let's just dive in.
So I call today step four self-gentleness and creating healthy boundaries.
Now let me first introduce to you my concept of self-gentleness.
I have a definition and if you are here,
If you've been here more often,
You know it already by heart but I think we cannot repeat this definition often enough.
It is radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.
Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.
Well I will tell you it's not always that easy.
I teach self-gentleness and as you might know if you've been here more often I always say I am a master of self-gentleness but it doesn't mean that I'm self-gentle 24-7.
On the contrary.
Also I have sometimes more often and sometimes a little bit less often problems with being radically accepting myself as the most important person to consistently deserve my own gentleness.
There always remain topics in our lives where we trip and fall and we suddenly are back in our childhood,
Back in old experiences,
Back in expectations we think others have of us,
Back in expectations we have of ourselves and we use this to beat ourselves up.
I'm no stranger about this.
Also I do this still.
So why do I still teach self-gentleness?
Why am I calling myself a master of self-gentleness?
Well I guess it is starting to recognize when you are not and then consciously and actively trying to find your way back to that self-gentleness.
And sometimes that is easy like realizing it and I'm back and sometimes it takes a little bit more than that.
So today's topic it's about creating healthy boundaries and to be really honest I think creating healthy boundaries has been a topic all my life.
It has been something that I was really not good at.
And honestly I'm still not too good at it but there is a difference.
I now consciously take the time to realize what actually my boundaries are trying to understand for myself what those are.
And rather than jumping to wanting to fulfill the expectations from others,
Taking away the hurt or pain from others,
Wanting to understand others,
Wanting to love others just like that just as they come.
I take more time to tune in and try to understand what my boundary actually is.
So when I look back on my life I think for a bigger part I wasn't so much aware of what my boundaries were until they were crossed off so enormously,
So strongly that I couldn't differently than screaming no and that's not a healthy boundary.
So it's been something that I've been working on for a long time.
It's part of a bigger process I think.
The process that brought self-gentleness for me to life with the concept,
With all the practices,
With the courses,
With my lives about it.
And last week I was really thinking am I really going to do a life about healthy boundaries because I sometimes really suck at it.
But then I thought well but this is teaching self-gentleness to understand that you don't have to be perfect about everything but a consciousness that how things work and what you can do with it and what your triggers are and when it's not working and all those things,
That is self-gentleness and then trying to work your way through it or maybe around it or whatever fits.
So normally when I prepare my life I sit down and I write down there's immediately some kind of a structure to tell you about and now I realized well I am in this process of creating healthy boundaries.
I've done quite some work on it.
I've worked with you know what I really call the master of teaching boundaries that is Randy Buckley,
Someone to really check out.
I know she's working on a book right now about healthy boundaries.
She had a program.
I worked with her.
She coached me and I learned a lot from her.
It really fitted in nicely also with everything that I teach so that is really great.
So if you really want to learn about healthy boundaries she has this program so you could check her out.
Sorry I'm not allowed always to tell.
Well I think it would be great to to check her out.
Anyway let's go back to today.
So self-gentleness is for me an intrinsic instrument tool to help myself to create those boundaries.
So I want to tell you a little bit more about first the problems that I used to have.
One of the things is so let's go back to how I was.
I was brought up in a really liberal education.
I didn't have many boundaries.
I was raised by my father and he didn't put he didn't give me any boundaries.
As long as I showed to be you know to take responsibility for my own actions there were no boundaries.
Which is in a way a gift because it meant no expectations.
I was loved unconditionally but it also I'd also lacked some structure I think.
This is not a criticism but this is something that I realized that I tried to create myself as a kid already.
The problem that arose from that is that I didn't understand what boundaries were and also not what the boundaries of other people were.
And because of that I was not crossing those which something that you might expect a kid that is raised without boundaries might cross the boundaries of others.
No I was so very aware that I might cross a boundary of someone else and because I was not I didn't have any knowledge of when you meet a boundary how it might feel how it might look how to relate to it and I didn't know what my own were.
So I really tiptoed always around people and so actually people could behave as they pleased to me because I didn't set boundaries and I also respected their boundaries way before their boundaries even started if you understand what I mean.
So this is something that that I took with me all my life and I still still have this sometimes that I do not know so well what the boundaries of others are and this you might recognize this created me feeling of being too much or a fear of being too much.
This is something that a lot of people have you know the fear of being too much for others and for me this is really connected to the notion of boundaries and I'm speaking about the boundaries of others so also when people do showed me their boundaries even if it was really kind then it also confused me because I was just not used to dealing with that.
Okay so this is something that I've been processing all my life until today and probably till the day I die I will be working on this.
Another problem was that when people crossed my boundaries and I finally start to realize that this was going on and I was really in a position that I really didn't want to be which I felt because there was really strong emotions I noticed that I waited too long to to tell people how I was feeling I waited too long to to to create a boundary or just explain why I was on a different page that the moment that I it was too much I could only scream loudly no something that I just said already.
So this is also not healthy right that you wait so long and then all your buttons are pushed and all your limits are crossed and then suddenly and then it's also not so fair to the other person because this other person is assuming that everything is okay because you never showed how you felt you never said something and now suddenly you know it's it looks like a big fight.
So a lot of people who are afraid to create healthy boundaries get in this situation that when you finally put your boundary it's so harsh or strong or pushing away that it is it is really a difficult situation and and generally it teaches us then the people who cannot set those boundaries that maybe next time again we will not put this boundary because people always get in fights with it which is of course not the best way of thinking.
So the most important thing that I learned from Randi Buckley is that she said boundaries are not about what you want to keep out.
Boundaries are about what you want to keep with you.
So what is it that you want to honor for yourself?
What are values that you do not want to extend only to others but also to yourself and can you see those as your boundaries?
And for me that was a whole new perspective because when you start to think about what is it that I want to honor for myself and that can differ for everyone right and I I learned to communicate about what is important to me then you you create those boundaries already without pushing others out you just say well this is important to me and I really would love it if you could join me on that and if not then okay always part.
So this was a really important insight to me.
To me when I find it hard to well okay back in these days I think I really learned to be more open and clear about what my boundaries are what what shows mainly in when things are asked or expected of me that I take the time to feel if this is something that I want or can live up to and then I can have a really nuanced way to communicate that I do not want something or that I want something differently.
That is sometimes hard but I've learned to do that because I really don't want to shout no at people.
I really don't want to push against people.
I really want to be understood when I set a boundary.
The problem is sometimes that people don't respect your boundaries because they cannot really hear it or they are used to going over it or whatever reasons they might have and then it's really important to understand that you deserve to have this boundary and this is something that that I'm sometimes still struggling with and this is something where that self-gentleness really kicks in for me because when so I have learned to say no or I've learned to indicate how I feel about something but then when it's not respected what is it that you do then because I don't want to fight I don't want to push against and I also don't want to start to explain myself because you might have noticed when you start to explain why it is that you want something then you're open for negotiations right and that's also not the way you want to go.
So it's a really delicate thing and for me it starts with the moment I notice that I set a boundary and it is crossed.
Not to start to explain,
Not to argue,
Not to go against it but to first go to myself and tune in and there comes the self-gentleness right because in the core what is self-gentleness?
Self-gentleness teaching you always to tune in with yourself to feel what is going on what it is that you need and that often starts with what is it that you don't want so you can feel what you do want and then to see how you can allow yourself there and that is hard when there is an interaction with others that is hard when others are expecting things from you that is that is really hard so it requires that you go to yourself and feel what it is that you need and then communicate about it so that communication is something that for me it's really important that I communicate that in a gentle way not just to me but also to others and that is the part that is sometimes so hard because most people that are here that want to learn about self-gentleness are people that are not always so gentle to themselves but it's also people who want to be gentle to others and that is sometimes so hard that we forget that we also have to be gentle to ourself one of the questions that I have sometimes from students of self-gentleness is but if I think of what it is that I need first and I communicate that am I selfish then no you are not you are looking you're feeling what is important to you and when you have clarity around that and you allow yourself to to have what it is that you need right now then you can also extend that gentleness to others that is way easier than the other way around because when you prioritize a gentleness to others it's so easy especially when you are empathic or when you are people pleaser or when you are someone who cannot set boundaries so well then you sometimes lose the connection to yourself what is important to you what it is that you need what is that you feel so I've I I've told you now a lot about my own personal experience my own I don't want to use the word struggle because I don't like that word my own journey with boundaries and how self-gentleness can help me in that so and the bottom line is becoming aware of what your boundaries are and basically that is becoming aware of what is living within you right now what is it you're feeling what it is that is important to you right now and that it is okay to feel that whatever is going on right it is okay even when you're feeling something that feels really really unpleasant then still this is what is going on right now and you can feel this and it is okay and it is also okay to be not consistent sometimes you know when we speak about boundaries or things that we do want and don't want we always are it is actually a bias that we all have a psychological bias it's a cognitive bias people always want to be consistent so yesterday I said yes so today I also have to say yes and we find it really hard to realize that what was true yesterday might be different today and and this is something that we can hardly forgive ourselves that we are not consistent with ourselves and the way I help myself dealing with my own inconsistencies to first admit well I'm inconsistent and secondly to to try not to explain myself too much whenever you notice that you start to explain and explain and explain why it is that you don't want something or why it is that you do want something then you're generally trying to convince yourself through others that it is okay that whatever is going on is there so at a certain moment I think it's almost 10 years ago I just decided I will stop explaining myself just for a week so and I remember it was really weird because I had a meeting at my work and I was working from home and I forgot about this meeting so I was working and suddenly I get an email like hey we're waiting for you and I forgot so my first and I think kind of healthy response was to say oh I'm so sorry I forgot and and I want to explain why I forgot and then I really asked oh I promised myself that I would not explain myself how can I deal with this and then I said just I'm sorry I am NOT there can we set another meeting and they all responded yeah okay can you then then and we said another meeting and I felt so light hearted after that because without going through the whole motions of explaining why it was so that they might understand I just communicated clearly sorry I should have been there I'm not can we set a new date and that was really really great so I don't know if it's always good to do that when your boss is waiting for you but it's a great example I think of how do these things work and when I say try not to explain yourself too much then I think it's especially explaining yourself to yourself and I was pretty good at that also explaining why I would feel something bad about myself and explain how creating the stories in my head all right so okay I have the feeling that I'm telling a non-structured story today but I realize it's just really really personal and it's something that I'm still sometimes and truthfully the last week's a little bit more in the middle of and creating healthy boundaries still sometimes confuses me and it doesn't mean that I don't have clarity of what it is how it works how I can help myself with self gentleness but it is when I'm in the middle of it then also I am sometimes just like the little little femke from many many many years ago who doesn't know so well how to deal with it and I just have to come back to myself and that is something that I've been doing a lot lately taking really the time really feeling what is it that I need right now not thinking about the boundaries not thinking about things that is going on but just being with myself and feeling what it is that I need right now and I know that why I'm triggered when when the little femke in me is awake that it is time to slow down to do something with my body to meditate to be kind to myself to take it easy to take it slow not to expect too much and that helps and sometimes it takes a few days and then I feel that I become more grounded again and then you start to know what it is that you feel that you want or you don't want and then you can start to communicate those boundaries in this case so I think the biggest advice and that's the self gentleness approach when you notice things are not in your control when you notice that boundaries are crossed when you notice that things are wild or crazy or making you confused and take the time to tune in with yourself and the time might be one minute time might be a one month but just go through those motions come back to yourself connect with yourself and take care of yourself yeah let me just take a look at the comments and see if there are specific questions let's see all right so thank you Stephanie for giving the name you see you know also how to write it let's see Laura is relating thank you so much Lorraine is in the same kind of situation so you can relate to that I'm a meekle so no I didn't cut off my hair it's just I hold together with the clip Jackie says I see others explaining and sometimes making up untruths I asked them not to explain ever so neither of us have to endure it yeah Jackie I really liked it yeah yeah that's the other side of the coin right I do recognize that that's when I think of it I also would rather be people be honest to me about what they feel what is that they need even if it is something that I don't like because then the communication is open right and we can speak about it and and connect again even if we disagree or sees things differently and asking them not to explain that's that is also great Laura says this is a very important topic to me I think my illness came mostly from this but now with a bit of fever I have to be more self-gentle and leave the life so rest but this is really important for me to listen to well Laura just know I'm recording this an audio recording will be published in a few weeks on inside timer so you can always listen it back whenever you're ready thank you for sharing that and yeah healing hugs from Petter Brook who is Lauren also from me so Margo asks can you talk more about what to do when people cross the boundaries you set more yeah I can tell you what I'm I'm doing and I think the most important part is to recognize that when they cross those boundaries that you me I'm triggered it happens something with me and then this little femke in me awakens and this little femke with fears of being too much or fears of not being loved not being worthy or whatever fears this little kid that is wounded still has and even if you have healed those wounds there are always some triggers that can wake it up with me boundaries is really such and such a thing so the first response really reactive response would be to push against them to say back off don't do this I told you so I don't want this go away and that's a really powerful emotion that you might have and it's good that you feel it but I would suggest to feel it to be with this feeling but that you don't need to express this to those others because when you express it they will start to push back and you get either in a fight or in a negotiation but what you can do is go back to yourself and that is what I just tried to say and tune in with with whatever's going on and whatever's going on might be very well that you so very angry that they crossed your boundaries and it is good to feel that it's good to process that but not with those who crossed your boundaries because it will not solve that boundary issue it is your job to allow yourself to feel what is going on to process that and you you don't have to do that alone but you can do that maybe with a good friend or your spouse or someone else you trust or maybe even a professional therapist psychologist maybe you can do it by yourself but it is good to know what you're feeling but you are the one who is processing this because the anger tells you also that you feel not empowered to do something about it so first be with that emotion and that will being with that will make you understand what is important to you and what will be your next step and that next step is always depending on the situation on the person and what you want with this person what not in some cases when someone is crossing your boundaries again and again after you really in a gentle way expressing what it is that you need and they keep on crossing it it might be a reason to say well I'm going to take some distance from this person maybe for some time maybe for always it might be that you want to look for a different moment when they are more at ease so you can have communication about it to see if you can change something so there is not one answer to that but as a general advice I would say step back to yourself and be with whatever is going on within you because that is the information that you need when people cross boundaries you basically and continue to cross boundaries you basically cannot expect them to change that you can expect yourself to take in that information be with those feelings and then and then understand what it is that you want to do with that no matter what others expect no matter what others think and and that is the work that is the self gentleness work and that is really not so easy but that's also the fun of the self gentleness because when I think of how becoming more and more gentle with myself has enriched my life has made me able to be who I am to communicate with more and more honesty about who I truly am flaws and all words and all all my good things but also everything that I'm ashamed of how it has helped me to to be a better person for myself first I've tried to be a good person for everyone in my surroundings for a big part of my life and self gentleness is slowly slowly teaching me that I have to be a good person for myself first before I can be there for others and that takes some time to let to digest that to get that into my system to really allow myself to put my well-being first which is not easy I think it's not easy for anyone but it's something that you need to allow yourself and there is where the self gentleness comes in thank you for that question that's really really great one so Tanya says I find I'm dealing with the inner child of others who drag everyone into their party hurt yeah I can see that listen a lot of a lot of people if not everyone has inner child parts of them that are still reliving past experiences even when we are aware that we have this I mean I'm aware of a lot of things that can be triggered in me but when I'm in the middle of it I can still see it but it's still there my head thinks one my feelings tell me something else and then my head starts to join so yeah we all have this it's really good that you recognize that others are with their inner child and because that's compassion and understanding is also important but it doesn't mean that you have to let them cross your boundaries understanding where someone else is coming from what their pain is what their hurt is that's one and then thinking okay and I'm going to take care of myself first because understanding what is going on with them doesn't give you the obligation to solve it for them and that is a lesson that I'm that I'm I'm learning a lot that's important for me to learn I don't know if that helps you Tanya that that insight so seed says what I've done when someone doesn't respect my boundaries drop them I don't want don't waste any more of my energies on them at least for a period of time yeah I got a respect self foremost I expect others to respect me you know yeah yeah I that's really clear and and it's really really great that you can do that also it's a conscious process and I think that is one of the things that I want to stress here that in all this work of self gentleness all about becoming conscious of what is within you how you feel what it is that you want how you want to respond how you want others maybe to be but they cannot always be what you want them to be and then how you can deal with whatever you're feeling and I still be okay with yourself allowed it in and seeds you found a way for that so that's really great what is your way might not be the way from someone else because we are all in unique individuals but it's really great when you find your way to allow yourself to be kind to yourself to be gentle to yourself that is what you need Tanya says I want them to leave their toxic baggage at their house not bring it to mine yeah I can understand that so the funny thing in that is you cannot tell them that well you can tell them that but then you get in this conflict again and in conflicts people cross each other's boundaries but you can go to yourself and think of well so there is a friend of yours with their toxic baggage and they want to come and you think well I don't want this then you might want to think well I don't want to make a meeting with you right now or you decide to not come bring them into your house but meet somewhere where it's more neutral and you know the baggage is floating in the air it's really good to be aware of what it is that you need to deal with a situation and sometimes it is not seeing them sometimes it is doing it in a different way and to communicate about that Anamik says I really like to hear all this Femke is so helpful thank you I really appreciate your insight well thank you so much for sharing that Anamik I'm happy to hear that to be honest this is a topic that I'm a little bit less secure about that I know it all so thank you so much for that She says improvement ain't about right thinking or right hope it comes down to right behavior mm-hmm yeah and it starts with you that you as you look in yourself what is important to you yeah Sarah says I was going to suggest to maybe not let them in instead of asking to change before they come in yeah I think Sarah that's really really important I think we cannot ask people to change for us really I know there are a lot of people that I would love them to change especially for me but I cannot ask that from them I want people to be who they are my aim is to love people unconditionally however if they are behaving in a certain way that is really hurtful for me crossing my boundaries then it's also my right to say well I will love you at a distance I will not let you be in my house I will not meet with you but I cannot ask no one to change just for me because it would mean that I would also have to change for others to please others and then we all lose the connection with ourselves so I would rather people tune in be honest about who they are what they feel what they want what they don't want to be open about it to communicate about it and then there is a good basis for understanding each other and knowing how to give each other space or how not but I don't think we can ask people to change for us no my opinion might be different for you thank you Thomas Tanya says turn a cold shoulder to their poor behavior after telling him no yeah Sarah says I find it difficult when people don't want to work on themselves but you're right that doesn't work yeah people I think also when we are clear about our boundaries and we said those in a in a gentle way right so it's about what we want to keep with us and we communicate about it clearly then others might not change for us because we don't ask it for them but we do set an example and we do set the we do set an environment in which we want them to communicate with us and if they cannot so they cannot communicate with us so if they still want that they will have to find in themselves that they might want to change their approach towards us but that's up to them you cannot tell me you have to change but by you being clear about what it is how you let people in your life and then you communicate something to them and it's up to them if they want to change something within them or not but it's up to them yeah it's a complex issue right yeah Lucy asked is it reasonable to cut some people off completely yeah it's always depending on you if you feel that your life improves if you don't see these people anymore and yes tune in with yourself there is no golden rule there is no standards outside of you that tells you what you should and should not do it's only you being connected with you what is important to you and based on that you can decide not to want to see someone yeah how can I recover for myself after conflict has happened I've learned I need to speak up so it doesn't come out as explosive and anger yeah yeah absolutely and and and the way you do that that is the way that fits you right I really love that you're sharing that thank you so much and I'm happy that it makes sense yes exactly Thomas to change someone is people if people want to change they have to do it for themselves not for someone else because that always brings a lot of misery into the world yeah thank you so much for sharing that Sarah face says I think we have to keep in mind our blind spots maybe contributing to the situation this takes constant introspection absolutely faith and that is I think also what I mean with the tuning in so like I said when people cross my boundaries and I realize that little femke is kicking and screaming within me it's really time to first withdraw and come back to myself so I can notice what is really going on and that is not just a hurt kid within me or old wounds being triggered that are determining whatever I'm doing so I try not to be that reacted this first go back and tune in and that is this self gentleman's approach it's a really great remark thank you so much for sharing that faith you're most welcome sir Margo says sometimes it is not possible to cut off someone yeah yeah that's true yeah I agree and sometimes we don't want to cut off the person but we do want to cut off their behavior and how do you do that then and so that's also something Randy Buckley always says when it comes to these things it's it's always about nuance and discernment and context and I think that's so very true we cannot speak in general terms about these topics we cannot just not one advice for one person however when you feel that you cannot cut off with this person I think it is important to tune in with yourself and try to understand why it is that you think it I'm not saying that you should cut off someone just like that right it's really something that you have to decide but when you feel that you would like to do that but you think you cannot I think it's really important to tune in and try to understand why you think that you cannot is it expectations from the outside world from yourself from that person is it a norm that is set is it you know it's it's important to understand why that is because in that answer lies also your answer of how to solve it maybe you find that you can't cut them off it's just and it a fix in your head or maybe you realize that you so much love that person and that you actually would like to have a different connection to reach out in a different way so tuning in and feeling what it is that you're that's going on yeah Hans says setting boundaries is a difficult art form yeah it is absolutely yeah yeah thank you for your compliment Hans Artem says I feel hurt in my heart because my lady won't accept me for who I am and we got married too I'm so sorry that you feel that Artem and it might be good maybe to speak with her about that and in that talk don't speak about her and what she's not doing right why she's not accepting you but tell her how you feel what is going on within you try to be open about what is living in your heart and don't expect her to change don't expect her to solve it for you but you can speak about what is in your heart and then you might remind yourself why you married her what it is why it is that you love her and tell her that and see how she responds I don't know you I don't know her I don't know if this is a good solution but this would be a great first start for a really good talk to discover together if you can love each other as you are or that there might be different solutions right I'm wishing you luck with that Petta says I so appreciate the sharing here see that I'm not alone in the challenge of boundaries setting in clarity well thank you yeah me too actually self gentleness and gentleness to others are I guess a man go hand in hand yes and the difference for me is that I have learned that I have to be gentle for myself first to make sure that my gentleness for others will not deplete me I am by nature a very gentle person who really wants to love people as they are want to help them take hurt away to be there for others but in that process I've often forgotten about myself I've often depleted myself so the self gentleness has been my project to understand that I also count and that the more gentle I allow myself to be who I am to be where I am to feel whatever I'm feeling to need whatever I'm needing and to communicate about that the gentler I can be for others without depleting myself so that is what this is all about dear Sarah okay Thomas says I felt energetic cut off from my sister-in-law but I don't want to lose my contact with my niece and nephew brother it's a weighing up I'm still doing I don't want to talk to her about boundaries if I need to I hope to trust I know I will yeah I can imagine that that is a hard keep on feeling what you're feeling because there's also a lot of beauty in that that you don't that you still want to keep in touch with your niece and nephew and your brother and a way to make that work yeah but most important is feel what it is that you need and again what I just said before about try to think of what you want to keep with you not what you want to keep out so there might be a key in that process for you face says I can relate to little faith kicking and screaming yeah I've come to recognize when she's upset it is fear based and soothe thereby reassuring her that she's safe journaling often helps us to figure out what is happening yeah that's really really great yeah that tuning in is for me journaling wasn't always that helpful because it really helped me to be just in my head for me meditation is really a way to calm down and to feel what's going on but I know journaling can be really great for people so thank you for sharing that I think a lot of people might benefit from that all right so oh wow I speak I've been speaking almost one hour let's do a short meditation you know what let's do a tuning in meditation right just to go through those motions that we know that we can do anytime everywhere just a tuning and to be with what we are feeling right all right so I'll stop taking a look at the comments and as you sit together for a moment if you want to lie down that's also great and make sure that you're comfortable so if you have something to lean against and lean against that I gently close your eyes and let's just notice how it is that we are sitting is there any tension in your body maybe your shoulders you can pull them up drop them maybe your face you can squeeze your face together and let go is your belly relaxed or you're pulling it in and just relax it that's your beautiful belly speak for itself can you feel your feet on the ground it's interesting it's not just your foot on the ground they're all kind of different touch points below your foot that are touching the ground all right now let's just use one moment our sense of hearing to bring ourselves more centered here and now just listen to all the sounds in your environment you are hearing my voice pretty loud probably but when I will shut up for a moment and just notice what other sounds are really clearly to hear around you can you also hear very distant sounds and can you hear the really subtle sounds in your environment like your own breath or your own heartbeat all right now bring your attention to whatever you're seeing with your eyes closed yeah with your eyes closed you still can see things maybe you just see pitch black or some movement of lights lights shimmering through your eyelids some people see swirling colors colored dots now bring your attention to your sense of touch you feel your bum in the seat your feet on the ground your hands in your lap can you also feel the hair in the back of your neck your shirt on your skin the way your socks are sitting on your ankles okay well done so now tune in again and feel that you really centered more grounded more present in here and now because you've used a few of your senses to be here now now bring your attention to the middle of your head you could imagine that in the middle of your head is a little light or a feather something that you can focus on the middle of your head and now it's like a small elevator it is descending slowly down to the middle of your jaws into the middle of your throat it's slowly going down and down into your chest until it rests in your heart space in the middle of your chest now bring your attention there keep your attention there it might be a light it might be a feather it might be some it might be a flower just use something there that you can focus on it's floating there in this beautiful pool of your heart and if you like you could put your hands on your chest so your body helps you to focus on that beautiful heart space in your chest and just be with your heart space maybe you don't need a token or that light to be there maybe you do and just use that as a focal point but if you notice that you can just be with your heart space and you might notice that in this connection having your attention into your heart that there might be feeling an emotion a thought knowing and just be with whatever it is just register for yourself okay this is going on right now and it is okay whether you feel sadness or happiness whether you know something for sure or you feel just filled with doubts it's all okay just be with whatever's going on there and if there is an emotion if there is this feeling that wants to express itself then feel free to express it if you have tears if you have to cry then cry if you just want to swear then just swear if you want to laugh out loud then laugh out loud if you want to sing on the top of your lungs then sing on the top of your lungs if you just feel like being really really silent then be silent it's okay it is all okay whatever is going on it is okay oh well done oh this is so beautiful you are now connected with who you are with whatever you're feeling you're now becoming aware of what is going on right now and just know that whatever is going on right now might be something completely different in five minutes or in five days or tomorrow it's okay oh it's okay now ask yourself what is it that I need right now and don't overthink the answer it will bubble up in a form of thought a feeling a picture a song a word a knowing an itch maybe you just need to scratch the itch and that's what you need right now what is it that I need right now what is it that I need right now and if you don't understand what the answer is to your question then that's okay it will come later the quarter will fall later today or tomorrow suddenly you will understand what it is that you need or you will be in a situation that will provide you with clarity what it is that you need but if you have some clarity right now then ask yourself what is it that I can do right now to help myself to help myself get into the direction of what I need what is it that I need right now what can I do do I have to caress myself do I have to comfort myself do I have to get running do I have to go to sleep do I have to get that coffee do I need to call my best friend what is it that you need right now what can you do about it and whatever the answer is if you feel any resistance like oh but I don't have time now or no I cannot do this right now then that's okay then just tell yourself it is okay I will do it later I promise myself so if you feel that you need to sleep you still have to work because you're in Australia and New Zealand and in the morning you started then allow yourself to have a beautiful lunch break or go to bed early tonight whatever it is that you need if you cannot give it now promise yourself later on and I know it's sometimes really hard to know what it is that we need and if you find it hard to connect with that then try to see the other side of the coin what is it that you don't want by knowing what you don't want you generally can find what it is that you do want also that is a process and you're doing it so well really all of you every single one of you you're doing it exactly right because you are you and you're doing this in your way in your pace you're doing it so well while you're sitting here do you notice that you found some connection with yourself some relaxation in your body some peace in your heart relative to how you started it's good to acknowledge that but in just a few minutes bring your attention to the here and now tuning into your heart space you brought yourself to yourself to the connection with yourself this is the place where clarity lives this is the place where connection with yourself lives this is the place where your truth whatever your truth in this moment is might be different truth in the next moment but this is where it lives and no one can tell you what it is only you you can let go of the attention to your heart space just sit for a moment relaxed just be as it is and then in your own time whenever you're ready you can slowly start to open your eyes take your time thank you so much yes I'm okay thank you Sarah Sarah I don't want to deny you what you're observing or what you're sensing yeah when I connected with my own heart space I felt sadness and this is what you picked up on so that is okay I am absolutely okay I just I'm aware of things going on so I'm completely okay but I don't I don't want to lie about it because you sent something right thank you for asking that thank you Faith for saying that I'm happy that you life I liked it and it was a good beautiful session oh you must welcome Margo you're most welcome Helen thank you Sarah thank you so much thank you all right Lauren Pettenbroek if you need sleep I know that you are in the morning just take a nice nap if you can now or a little bit later and that's really great so thank you all so much for being here listening to me finding my way through the boundaries trying not to cross them from others trying to keep mine healthy trying to be clear about what they are how I could communicate those being aware where the boundaries of others might clash with my own which also sometimes happens and is also highly confusing but the answer is self-gentleness come back to myself because in the end the only one who can help me is me right and that same goes for you the only one who can help you is you so thank you so much for being here and have a beautiful weekend oh wait yes I will be here again in a month on the 14th of June step 5 self-gentleness and self-care yeah self-gentleness and self-care really looking forward well I can tell you a lot of things about that it will be maybe a little more structured than today and again Randy Buckley she's the master of boundaries check her out if you really want to dive deep there thank you all so much thank you Daphne thank you Sarah sending you so much love have a beautiful weekend and see you on the 14th of June bye bye
