What no one tells you about the inner critic.
And it's that the difference between a neutral statement or even a self-compassionate statement and a criticism,
It has nothing to do with the content of what you're saying to yourself.
It's not about the content of the thought,
It's about how it's spoken.
So it's not about content,
It's about delivery.
So people say,
Oh,
But sometimes what my inner critic tells me is kind of hopeful and it's kind of true.
We're not changing the message,
We're changing how the message is delivered.
The inner critic will deliver the message with a desire to condemn or punish or to make you feel bad about yourself.
Self-compassion will deliver that same message with a desire to improve,
With kindness,
With go to the gym as a gift to yourself.
The inner critic will say go to the gym because you're fat,
You're lazy,
You're ugly,
You can't fit into those jeans and your friends look better than you.
See how it's a very different delivery,
But the message is the same.
The content is go to the gym.
So the inner critic expresses itself with frustration,
With anger and with deep disappointment in you as you are.
Self-compassion takes that same message and it delivers it with support,
With encouragement,
With kindness.
So here,
It's not about the what,
It's about the how.
And the inner critic is often backward looking.
It'll tell you all the things you've ever done wrong in the past and make you feel bad about them.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth who punish themselves over and over again,
A thousand times for the same exact mistake.
You can think about it every day of your life and you've only made the mistake once.
How is that even fair?
So the self-critic is backward looking,
Self-compassion is forward looking.
Here's what I can do,
Here's what I can practice.
Let me start a daily meditation practice.
Let me try this approach.
Let me learn,
Let me grow,
Let me change something.
So self-compassion changes out of kindness to yourself and it makes plans for the future.
Criticism just wallows in the past endlessly in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself.
And the last real distinction is that the inner critic will take one detail,
Like one stupid thing you said and say,
You are stupid.
It will focus on a global sense of self based on one data point or two data points.
Self-compassion focuses on context.
It will look at what is going on that day.
Yes,
You said that thing,
But what were the circumstances?
What was happening?
It looks at the specific.
The inner critic just loves to generalize and it loves to slap on labels.
And in reality,
There is so much in you.
There is no one label that can characterize you perfectly.
There's no one label that will actually be accurate.
You can only be accurate if you look at things in a context.
So I hope that you can be on your own side no matter what and speak to yourself like you would speak to a loved one,
Like you wouldn't hurl tons of criticisms at a loved one,
Hopefully.
Speak to yourself like you'd speak to someone you really care about and you want them to thrive and you want them to be well and you're on their side.
And when you speak that way to yourself,
That becomes your source of strength.
Trying to be the best you can while still allowing yourself to be human and still allowing yourself to have limitations because everything on earth has limitations and sometimes make mistakes,
But supporting yourself through those mistakes,
Being on your own side even as you make mistakes.
Self-compassion is when you go into a job interview and you know that if I get this job and the interview goes very well,
I'll be kind to myself.
And if I don't get this job and this doesn't go well,
I'll be just as kind to myself.
And that is so empowering.
