What You Wish You Knew About Your Inner Critic

The difference between the inner critic and self-compassion isn’t actually the content of what you say to yourself. Rather, it’s how you say it. When your words come from kindness instead of punishment all the time, you begin to create real inner strength.

Transcript

Human beings are the only creatures on earth who punish themselves over and over again a thousand times for the same exact mistake. You can think about it every day of your life and you've only made the mistake once. How is that even fair? The difference between a neutral statement or even a self-compassionate statement and a criticism, It has nothing to do with the content of what you're saying to yourself. It's not about the content of the thought, It's about how it's spoken. People say, Oh but sometimes what my inner critic tells me is kind of hopeful and it's kind of true. We're not changing the message, We're changing how the message is delivered. The inner critic will deliver the message with a desire to condemn or punish or to make you feel bad about yourself. Self-compassion will deliver that same message with a desire to improve, With kindness, With go to the gym as a gift to yourself. The inner critic will say go to the gym because you're fat, You're lazy, You're ugly, You can't fit into those jeans and your friends look better than you. See how it's a very different delivery but the message is the same. The content is go to the gym. So the inner critic expresses itself with frustration, With anger and with deep disappointment in you as you are. Self-compassion takes that same message and it delivers it with support, With encouragement, With kindness. So here it's not about the what, It's about the how. And the inner critic is often backward looking. It'll tell you all the things you've ever done wrong in the past and make you feel bad about them. The last real distinction is that the inner critic will take one detail, Like one stupid thing you said and say you are stupid. It will focus on a global sense of self based on one data point or two data points. Self-compassion focuses on context. It will look at what is going on that day. Yes, You said that thing but what were the circumstances? What was happening? And in reality, There is so much in you. There is no one label that can characterize you perfectly. There is no one label that will actually be accurate. You can only be accurate if you look at things in a context. Speak to yourself like you speak to someone you really care about and you want them to thrive and you want them to be well and you're on their side. And when you speak that way to yourself, That becomes your source of strength. Trying to be the best you can while still allowing yourself to be human and still allowing yourself to have limitations because everything on earth has limitations and sometimes make mistakes. But supporting yourself through those mistakes. Self-compassion is when you go into a job interview and you know that if I do well on this job interview and I get the job, I'll be kind to myself. And if I totally don't do well and I don't get the job, I'll be just as kind to myself after. And that is so empowering. I hope that we can all grow more self-compassionate together and we'll become more compassionate as a result and we'll make the world a more compassionate place. But it starts with how you treat yourself. It starts with how you speak to yourself.