Loving Kindness Talk

Discover what Loving Kindness (Metta) practise is and why it is needed in our lives. Understand why embracing all aspects with love helps us to be fully grounded and heal. Allow this information to open your heart and mind to the love that you are. Listening to this allows a deeper and more profound experience of the Loving Kindness Meditation.

Transcript

Welcome to Join the Dots podcast. The podcast that explores the motivations of our actions and why we react the way we do. Brought to you by Soul Coach, Denise Jarvie from Inward Revolution. In a safe, Inclusive space full of meaningful discussions for reflection and transformation. As you listen, Feel uplifted, More clever and more clear about decision making. Let's go within. Today's topic is about loving relationships, Which is about loving kindness and what we call Metta meditation. The Buddhists call it Metta, M-E-T-T-A, Which is loving kindness. It's a reminder to be kind. It's a reminder to be loving and kind to ourselves first. And then we have that energy that we can give to others. You know, A lot of these things seem much easier said than done. And we know in the back of our mind and we know in our hearts that it would be much better for us to have this loving kindness way about us, But we often let the outside world affect us. And then we react from that place. So loving kindness is what they call a practice. So meditation is a practice and we practice it to, Not so much to get better at it, But to remind us to come back to this place on a daily basis. It's like, You know, I always say to people when they wanna change their diet or they want to eat better or, You know, There is this all or nothing attitude that tends to come up, You know, And I've been there as well, Of course. The best thing we can ever do is just add something. You know, I always say to people, You know, Add a green smoothie or add a piece of fruit or add more vegetables and just keep adding them. And eventually what happens is we eat more of those things and the other things start to fall away. But it seems like it's such a natural progression that we don't feel like we've lost anything or something's been taken away from us. Because there is that attitude. If something's taken away from you, We crave it. And of course, Because if we're not ready to let go of it, It's going to leave a void there. And even though we might be eating really nutritious food, Good foods, The mental void is still there. So it's not so much about taking something away, It's adding. It's just a slightly different way of looking at life. So if we can just keep adding things, Eventually what happens is we go, Oh, That feels really good, I'm gonna do more of that. And we do it subconsciously. We don't even realize we're doing it. We just do more of that. And then we do less of the other and it falls away from lack of attention. So loving kindness is just a reminder. If we can do that for five minutes a day, On a daily basis, We come back to ourselves and we just be kind to ourselves, No matter what's going on in the day, No matter what we've thought, No matter what is happening. It's like, Okay, For five minutes, I can just be kind and gentle to myself. And as you do that, It becomes easier to give it to other people. And of course, We're not giving loving kindness to people to make them act differently. But of course, That's coming from a place where we want somebody to act differently to how they are for us to feel better. And so that's the difference between unconditional love and love and what we think people should be for us to make us feel better. And it's subtle. And until we're really taught these things, People don't realise because they just think people should act a certain way to make me feel good. And if they love me, They shouldn't upset me. They should avoid the things that they know are gonna upset me. But of course, Loving someone means that you want them to become all that they are and free. So we are going to challenge people, But often that's not seen as very loving. My mother was one of those. To love my mother meant you agreed with her 100%. If you didn't, She felt you were very disloyal and she felt that everyone was against her. Makes it very difficult to be around people like that. However, That is the best that she could do. And she also inspired me to be different in life. So often those difficult relationships do inspire us to want something different. It's like, They weren't very nice to me. I wanna be around people who are nicer. I wanna be around people where I can be nicer. And that's how we create life as well. And of course, The law of attraction is going to bring more of that into your life, Whatever you're focusing on. So it's a little reminder that the relationship that you have with yourself will be reflected through your relationships with others. So basically the way we treat ourselves is the way that everyone else will treat us. And my mother didn't like herself very much. She was very down on herself as a way to get attention. And of course, That's how people treated her. They treated her like a doormat because that's how she treated herself. She was coming from that victim place and a lot of people do where they are a victim and they think that if I can just be really down on myself, If people can see how awful my life has been, Then they'll be nicer to me. And it never works because we might help victims out in the short term, But in the long term, They become very draining because they're not willing to help themselves. They want validation and people around them to do things for them because that's how they get their energy because they're not willing to do it for themselves. And that's not right or wrong. That's just where they are. And the best way that we can ever inspire people to move from that place is to step into your own power and not give to them all the time, Which of course is much easier said than done, Especially if it's a family member. But every relationship we develop from casual to intimate helps us to become aware of ourselves. It really helps us to become aware of where we're holding ourselves away from being in balance and loving kindness with ourselves. So the more intimate the relationship, So the closer it is, The more heightened the reactions, Good and bad. And that's why we often learn a lot of our biggest things in our intimate relationships because it's all up and close and personal. And that mirror is right here. It's like, But all unions have value. So all relationships have value. And once we begin to realize that, It becomes easier to honor one another as well. So when I talk about love, It's just a little reminder that love is a state of being. It's not an emotion to make us feel good when we think something is missing. But a lot of people think that that's what love is. You know, I feel a void in my life. I want someone around me to make me feel better. And it's very conditional and it's not very empowering because you're not finding that within yourself. And it makes us reliant on people being a certain way in the outside world. And if they're not being that way, Well, We'll do whatever we can to control them. Try and tweak them. Oh, You know, They're nearly perfect, But we'll just tweak them a bit. They nearly fit my fantasy. Just sort of mold them and shift them around. And, You know, And as I grew up, I can remember all my girlfriends saying that when we were first married, When we were first, You know, Living with our partners, You know, When we were in our twenties, You know, It's like, Ah, That's all right. You know, We'll mold them. We'll do this. We'll do that, You know? And it's like, Really? I'm not sure if that's a great thing. And I wasn't that spiritual at that particular, Well, I was aware, But I wasn't really aware. I knew that it didn't feel right, But I didn't have the tools and no one had taught me the tools and how to work with myself and communicate effectively with other people either. So it's been something that I've learned over the years, But yes, Yes, I still, And look, I've still got girlfriends that say, Oh, You know, That's all right. I'm still molding him. It's like, Oh, The poor thing. Anyway. So sometimes we need to look beyond our perceived assumption about things and to see into the heart of it. You know, Like not judging a book by its cover, Of course, Because at the heart of all experience is unconditional love. So it's like, I see it like a pearl or like a droplet of unconditional love. And really what that means is it's complete balance. It's complete peace. It is all aspects of whatever you're looking at is in that moment. So when you're completely present, You'll feel that gift, Which is of course what being in the present moment is. It is a present. It's a bit cliche, But it's true. The gift may show itself. So whatever it is that you're looking at may show itself as a good or a bad situation. However, That's when we need to take the time to unwrap the experience. So we do that by being in the present moment. And once we do that, We can find the gift. And at the heart of everything, As I said, Is love. So depending on where somebody is, If they're a long, Long way away from being in balance with themselves, What they show to the world is going to look bad or difficult or victim, Or they're going to want to hurt somebody, Or they're going to want to put boundaries up. And when we begin to realize that it's because they're hurting, And that doesn't excuse their behavior, But it does help us to understand things more. And it also doesn't mean that they get to blame somebody else for their behavior. The litigious part of our community will of course jump on that and have fun with that as they do in America a lot. Because this is not about blaming somebody else. Because two people can grow up in the same household and have exactly the same experiences. One can end up a victim, And one can decide that they want to do something better in their life. Because it comes down to the values that we have, The conclusions that we have about stories and certain things, And what we do with that. So this is not about blame, But that opens another can of worms. And I can remember when I realized that maybe I chose this life, And if I chose this life, I chose my parents, I chose the experience. And as soon as you go down that path, You can no longer blame them. Took me a long time to get to that place because it was like I blamed my parents for a lot of my problems for a lot of years. And then I was like, Okay, Well, I can't really blame them anymore because I chose this. So what is it that they are here to help me understand? And the greater the experience that you want to have of this life, So the bigger you want to create, The bigger your contrast is going to be when you're younger. And so often we look at children's life, Little one's life, And we think that's a really difficult, It's awful what they've gone through, And it's very difficult. But I tend to look at them now and think, Okay, They want something bigger in life. They have put themselves in a situation where it's huge contrast because the bigger the contrast, The bigger questions you will ask of life, The bigger things that you will want to create. And again, It doesn't excuse anyone's behavior. And it doesn't mean that people shouldn't be held accountable for their behavior either. But it's a way to help us understand maybe what is going on on a different level in that situation. And again, This is about looking at it from a loving kindness point of view. And it's not about blaming and it's not about. . . This does tend to open a can of worms because people say to me, But people that are doing awful things to little ones should be punished. And I say, I don't say that people shouldn't be held accountable for what they do. But there's a reason why these things occur. And again, Enough is not done for trauma from childhood because so much of our adult reactions in life come from the traumas of childhood. And the traumas don't even mean that something bad had to happen to you. It can mean that you didn't know how to deal with a certain situation. You didn't know how to deal with an emotion. And as such, It just got shoved down inside of you. And when that happens, You stop growing in that perspective. And so whenever a similar situation comes up in your life, It's going to trigger that and you'll go straight back to how you felt. And that's why sometimes people get very childish in certain situations because that thing is being triggered and they haven't moved on from it. It's become locked in that place. And sometimes those things can be assumptions and stories and things and conclusions that we came to based on the information that we had. And this is also not about going back and saying, Okay, I need to deal with all that stuff. If something comes up, Yes, We look at it and we do whatever we can to heal it and release it. But you don't have to go delving deep within yourself. And it's like, I'm going to open it all up now because if it's not active in your life, It's not active. Meaning that, Yes, It might be there, But there's no point going looking for trouble. That's a better way to put it. But if something comes up or if you're triggered, It's like, Hmm, Maybe I need to look at that in a different way. So again, As I said, I sort of went over there somewhere, But this is looking at things from a much higher perspective. And as I said, It's not about excusing people's behavior and not holding them accountable. But in this situation, We're looking for balance. We're looking for, How do I forgive myself? How do I forgive another person for their behavior? That doesn't mean that you excuse the behavior, But it means that you take back your precious energy. Because when something is in your head and we think about it, It takes up space and it takes up energy in you. And you're still giving that situation or that person power. And so we wanna be able to take that back so that we can use that energy to create the life we want to create. But all the time where that's going on inside of our head or we're hanging onto it, Or we haven't forgiven somebody, It becomes disempowering because they may as well still be standing in front of you or doing the thing to you. It doesn't mean you have to see them either. It doesn't mean any of those things. I mean, I loved my mother dearly. She was an incredibly difficult woman, Which I didn't realize until later on in life how imposing and how difficult she was because she was my normality of my mother. And I had to come to a point where I forgave her and forgave myself for trying to change her because I was asking her to be something that she wasn't to make me feel better. The very thing that annoyed her about, Annoyed me about her wanting me to be different. So somebody has to stop doing it somewhere along the line. And my mother was so caught up in that she was never going to let go of it. And I don't know if she could have dealt with the circumstances that that would have arisen as well, But that's okay. That's just who she was. So somewhere along the line, I had to come to the conclusion that I love my mother. I can just love her. Don't have to like her. And I'm sure she doesn't like me a lot of the times either, But that's okay. And loving her just meant it's okay. I don't need anything from her. I don't need her to be any different to who she is. I don't need her acceptance. I can just love her. And that's what I mean by that. Loving doesn't mean that I'm going to bend over backwards and do whatever I can to please her because I'd already done that anyway. And none of it worked. So it was just about, Okay, It is what it is. And I'm just going to let it be what it is. And I can just love her anyway. And it's like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. So if there's any circumstances like that in your life, Or if there's any relationships like that in your life, Sometimes they're just worth just one day, We just go, Okay, Enough, Enough. You need your precious energy to live your life and what you want to create. And nobody else has to be any different around us in order for that to be true. So loving kindness, When you experience and see love and see things in that balanced place, We don't get charged, Meaning that we're either really, Oh, Life is so wonderful, Or mm, Because either way, It can take up a lot of energy. You know, We often think that if we look at someone and we think, Oh, How beautiful they are, How wonderful they are. And, Or if somebody does something wonderful for you, You think, Oh, I feel so good, I feel wonderful. But what actually happens is we become infatuated. And I don't mean obsessed, But we become infatuated with that energy. It's in our mind and we think, Oh, How lovely was that? That was really nice and I feel much better. And it's taking up energy. It's taking up space in your mind. It's taking up your energy. So we allow things to just be, And we say thank you, And we move forward. You know, There's a little story that a teacher used to say to me that, You know, He said, You know, If you were walking to work and you were mugged, How would you feel? And it would be like, Oh, I'd feel, You know, Awful, Anxious, Feel like something had been taken away from me, You know, Worried it might happen again. And he said, And how long do you think you would think about that? And I said, Well, I'd probably think about it during the day, You know, If I was at work and it might bring up anxiety and stress. And he said, So it would take up a lot of your thinking. I said, Well, Yes. And he said, Okay, Let's look at something from another perspective. He says, You see a man in the morning on your way to work, And you think, Oh, How lovely he is, And how gorgeous he is, And how much you would like to be in a relationship with him. And he said, So how long do you think you'll think about that for? I said, Well, I'll probably think about that for the rest of the day. And he said, So you think it's taking up space in your mind? Oh, Yeah. And he said, So we tend to think because it makes us feel nice, That it's okay, That it's something good, But it's doing exactly the same thing. And it can also sometimes make you then look at yourself and go, Oh, Actually, Something's missing in my life. I want something different in my life. And it can start to bring up stress as well. If you overthink things, Of course, Which I can tend to do. Which a lot of us can do, Especially if we're deep thinkers. So it's just a little way to remind us what loving kindness is. It's about just finding that really balanced place within us. We have free will and choice to exercise free will. Sometimes we forget to do that. But to exercise free will, We need something to choose from. And it's so weird when sometimes you say those things to people and they go, Oh. Because we need that contrast in life to choose from. That's what free will is. Okay, So I'm actually going to choose something that makes me feel better. When I look at it, It's gonna make me feel better. It's not going to make me feel infatuated, But it's okay. The things that twist me around, Spin my head around, Split me in two, I'm just not gonna look at them today. That doesn't mean you're never gonna look at them again. But if they split you in two, Stop looking at it in that moment. Find a way to come back to balance, Then look at it. Because then you'll be able to see the bigger picture and you'll be able to see the gift in that as well. So again, This is looking at it from a much higher perspective, But it's just a way to remind us what loving kindness really is. It is something, Unfortunately, That is missing in the latest generation, In millennials. Kindness seems to have gone out the window. And that's a judgment. They have, Look, They have their own issues. They've got a lot of issues to deal with. But something that has seemed to have disappeared is kindness, And it all starts with themselves, Being kind to themselves, Because everything is outward. For some unknown reason, It's like, I should have this and I should have that, And I want this and I want that, And everything is like, If I change my appearance, I'll feel better. If I change my sex, If I change my gender, If I change anything, I'm gonna feel better in life. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing any of those things, But it's gotta start from here first. But it's unfortunately, It's starting outward to make them feel better. And look, Probably every generation has done that. It's just that now we have more access to things in the outside world that will give us instant gratification. And so once we start getting instant gratification, It becomes a bit addictive. Oh, I need that, I need that, I need that. That'll make me feel better, That'll make me feel better. I'll go and watch this, I'll go and watch that. Goodness gracious, We can't even wait for a series on a weekly basis now. We want them all at once so we can binge watch them. Yeah, It's like, Can't even put a video, Not that we would use videos anymore, But it's like putting a video in and waiting for it to fast forward. And everything has just changed so much. And people from our generation, Of course, I mean, I seem to have the same piece of music on so many different formats, Whether it be records or tapes, CDs, MP3s. And now we're streaming it. And which it seems a bit weird to the newer generations because they're just like, Yeah. Because things have shifted and moved. And so this is also just a little reminder to you to give yourself a huge pat on the back because you have moved through a time where change, So much has changed in a very, Very short period of time. And for those of you who don't know, It's a very short period of time. And for the younger kids of today, Of course, Things are shifting as well, But it's shifting from a different place. For us, There were so many fundamental shifts. When I grew up, We couldn't even say the word homosexual, Let alone anything else that's going on today. And I mean, I was a hairdresser for a long time. So I worked with a lot of gays, Much to my father's complete disgust because he just thought they should all be on an island somewhere, Which because AIDS was around, That's when AIDS first started. And people seem to forget all of that, How what's happening now is pretty much what was going on with AIDS in the 80s. People were terrified of it and people were terrified that they could catch it. I mean, They obviously couldn't catch it, But people didn't know that at the time. And so things shift and change and there'll be an end to where we are now. I mean, My sister lives in Melbourne and she's, I said, Well, You know, There'll be an end to it. Oh, Do you think so? Well, Yeah, I said, Everything ends, It's okay. And so while this is happening, Let's be kind and loving to ourselves as well. Whatever choice you make, Just talking about choose choices before when it comes to free will, There is this idea I have to make the right choice, But we never make the wrong choice. We make a choice. And sometimes we make choices based on what we think we need at that moment. And it might be feeding a void in us, But we can only make a decision based on what we think we need at that time. And when we go forward and then we look back in hindsight, We go, Oh, Actually, I could have done that a little bit differently, But that's okay because that's given you more information, So you'll make different choices moving forward. So we can't make a wrong decision. We can make decisions that bring difficult situations into our life. But again, That helps us to understand how we can change. You know, Why did I bring that into my life? And, You know, Sometimes survival will make us do that as well. If we think we need to do that in order to survive, Well, That's what we're going to do. And whether that's just maybe staying in a relationship because we don't know where the money's going to come from, Or we don't know, We don't want to live by ourselves, Or, You know, It's helping us to understand why we're making the choices we make. I've had lots of clients over the years who have come from awful relationships where they've been, You know, Really hurt and lots of violent relationships. And to do some work and then end up back in the same relationship again. I used to think that I was failing. I did take a different approach, But what was happening was that a lot of people are just too scared of the unknown. And it is easier to go back to something that they know because it feels familiar and they feel in control, Even though they've been hurt than it is to step into something unknown where they don't know what's going to happen. And in the end, That's the choices they make. But as I say to people, Just don't worry too much because whatever it is that you do will just get bigger and bigger and bigger until one day you go, Oh, Okay, Enough. I can't do this anymore. When we look at things from a loving kindness point of view, That's it. When we make decisions in our life, Go easy on yourself. Be gentle, Be gentle. So I'll send you a little PDF as well that I've written on that. And there's also just a couple of little exercises that you can do after the meditation. And I've also given you just a little, It's only a tiny little meditation that you can do on a daily basis just to bring you back to your moment. Only goes for a couple of minutes that you can recite. So, You know, Go easy, Go easy on yourself. And easy on everyone around us. You know, There's some, I love the stuff that's coming up for people with the mask wearing. Oh my goodness, Goodness gracious. Gee, It's been entertaining. It's like the poor police, Really. But, And I just love, One lady said, Well, I'm going to sue you individually. You, I'm going to sue you for 60, 000 and I'm going to sue you for 60, 000. And it's like, Oh yeah, Whatever. And so it's interesting. It's like, Why don't people want masks on? Maybe it's pushing those buttons that saying, Actually I'm not speaking my truth. And what's coming out is very childish and very over the top, But it's helping them to understand. Well, It may not be helping them to understand because they're in victim mode. But anyway, Let us meditate. Otherwise we'll be here all day. Thanks for listening. Denise loves to share information that makes the unknown known. Until next time, Be kind, Curious, And dream big.