Should

How much do you use the word 'should'? This should be like that, I should be better or this shouldn't be happening. Have you noticed how it feels? Pretty off I think. It feels off because should is an alarm call letting you know that your thinking is off. Because off thinking creates an off feeling. What you are feeling is your resistance to what is. You are not feeling the thing itself. There is a subtle difference. That's why we don't all have the same 'shoulds'.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Calmcast, A time to feel calm and think clearly. I'm Claire Downham, The Queen of Calm, A Transformational Life Coach. I was a burnt out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying and I want to prevent you from having to do the same. The Calmcast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state, Which is calm and clarity. Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity. There's nothing else to do. Now let's relax into today's episode. So today's word is should and it just came to me this morning when I was listening to something. How often we use that word, Quite liberally I think. And that really is the invitation today is to just bring some awareness to how often and you know, How fervently I suppose you are using that word should. I notice it an awful lot in the people that I talk to and the people that I work with that particularly they shouldify, Which is my new word for today, They shouldify themselves a lot. And we've all we all do that, Don't we? I can remember. I remember and I still do it now. I should be different to how I am. There's a lot of discomfort in that, Particularly when we talk about ourselves. But more broadly, We do it in in many, Many, Many aspects of our lives. All the people should be different. The world should be different. They shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't be like this or I should be somehow different. Wherever that word is being used, It looks like that in order for us to not be using that word and for us to feel OK. That the thing has to change. We have to be different or the world has to be different or our other half has to be different. And then the feeling that we've got will go away. It's so convincing, Isn't it? So, So convincing that. That idea that we're using the word should, Because actually it should be different and when it is, I'll be OK. When I'm different, I'll be OK. When I'm better or more motivated or more happy or more whatever. Organised, Let's say, As an example, I'll be OK. And it's a trap. It really is a trap that's so convincing and so easy to fall into. When we use the word should. That wonderful, Creative being that we are makes it look like the thing that we're shoulding needs to change. And then we'll be OK. But of course, If you've been tapping into these recordings, Into what I deliver for any period of time, You'll know that I'm not going to tell you that's true because it just isn't. It just isn't. When you use the word should and that feels uncomfortable, You are feeling the discomfort that comes from that should thinking, I suppose, The shoulding thinking. I'm using the word should in all sorts of strange ways today, But never mind. It's coming from that. That's what you're feeling. It's like here's how life is on one hand and here's how we'd like life to be in the other hand. And the friction is caused by the word should. Because in the outside in paradigm, That looks real. And I think as well that the word should is used a lot to kind of try and make us do things. You know, I should be doing this. I should be doing this thing in my business. I should be doing this thing with my children. I should be have more balance in my life. I should this, I should that. I should be exercising, Of course, And dieting because, You know, As I'm recording this, It's early on in 2022. And, You know, That's a focus, Isn't it, In January. But that looks like up to us, Doesn't it, That that's a way to get ourselves to change, That that's some kind of big should stick we can be ourselves with and that will make us change. But it just doesn't work that way. It looks like it does because I think you can for a period of time you can force yourself to change. But after a while, It just gets very tiring, I think, Doesn't it? It's not sustainable to keep pushing yourself. It just gets very tiring. I think it creates a lot of stress in our bodies and we get very tired and then we just can't do it anymore. How do we feel about ourselves then? Flipping awful. And the outside world's the same. The outside world is the same that when we look into the outside world and we say this should be like that and that should be like that, But it isn't. We can live our lives, Can't we, Trying to control every little thing, Even the things that are way, Way outside our control. Because we think it should be different and we can only be OK when it is. It can become exceptionally tiring. And I think, You know, Should is a word of judgment. When you really think about it, It's a word that can only have judgment in it. Because it's saying something's wrong, Something's not OK, Something is being judged by us as being not how it should be. And it just feels rough, Doesn't it? And I've noticed actually that, Well, When you come from a place of knowing that everything that you need is inside you. That not none of what you need is out there. None of it is. None of the feelings that you are seeking are out there. And that actually the way to connect to all the motivation and energy and determination and calm and peace and wisdom and resilience and confidence and all those things. The list of words is as long as you are. That you think are outside you. The way to connect to those things is to remember that they are inside. The only thing that's ever stopping you connecting to them is thought, Your busy mind, The thinking that you're not all those things. And the should thinking is part of that. The should thinking is part of what is taking you away from connecting to who you really are. Because all thinking, All thinking is, All of it is. It's all hiding your true essence. Who knows what we're supposed to be like. Maybe we're all just unfolding right now from this moment and moment by moment there can only be what is and what is perfection. Because it's not personal. It's just life doing what life does. So as always the invitation here is to just notice. Notice what you feel like when you use that word should. How does that actually feel to you in your body? But know that it's the shoulding that you're feeling. It's not the thing you're thinking about. It's not that thing outside of you that's creating the uncomfortable feeling. It's the fact that you are using the word should and you want it to be different to how it is now. Be kind and compassionate to yourself in this curiosity and this exploration. Don't should defy the seeking of the should. Don't say you shouldn't be using the word should. Because that is a trap. Yeah just. Yeah and I'd love to know what you heard in this and what you are seeing new and fresh. Thank you so much for listening. There's nothing to do now. But bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life. Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm. This has been the Calmcast with Clare Downer, Queen of Calm. Take care and keep listening.

Reviews

Excellent talk. Everything I need is inside of me. I broke away from “should” when I quit being a people pleaser & my life is so much happier now. Thank you.

Excellent! I would them replace the should with a rebellious I don't want to. Now I'm in self loathing and feeling even more incomplete.
Adding more and more on until there's a huge pile of imaginary should do/be things in the middle of the room and I have no idea where to start unpacking my imaginary suitcase 🙃
My ego grabbing at the tiniest thing.
My morning routine is the most important. And your words have helped me set the theme of my day.
Pause, wait, listen, store my energy for better things 😍