Control

Control is an old friend of mine. Thankfully now hanging around a little less but we were close for a long time. I tried to control E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! In the run-up to burnout, it was people, circumstances, and the future. Then on the self-development hamster wheel, it was my thoughts, feelings, and behaviour. It was exhausting and laden with judgment. In fact, it was like a 24/7 game of wack-a-mole! Perhaps you can relate.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Calmcast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Claire Downham,

The Queen of Calm,

A transformational life coach.

I was a burnt out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying and I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The Calmcast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So today I am talking about control.

Control and I had a very long relationship.

In fact she still hovers around me sometimes.

I don't always notice but she's definitely there some of the time.

I think my relationship with control went through two very distinct phases.

The first being the phase where I tried to control the outside world and that will have been really for a long time really probably,

Well I don't really know,

At least from when I got married in 1997,

So quite a long time.

So it involved trying to control my ex-husband and his behaviour and how he was,

Trying to control my children,

Not just how they behaved but how they were doing in the world,

Making their circumstances be just right.

I mean there was definitely a sense of not wanting anybody in my world to even like do something wrong on the road,

There was some anger around the fact I couldn't control other people pulling out in front of me at a roundabout or whatever else and there was a big chunk of control around my own progress through my career.

Right from when I joined the education,

The primary school education profession,

I wanted to be a headteacher and so that determination underpinned everything I did after that,

Moving jobs every few years even with a very young family,

Going from promotion after promotion,

Determined to reach headship and then after that being determined to get to a subsequent headship that was more responsibility.

And when I look back on that,

That period,

I used to talk about it just being very busy,

I did a lot,

But now I can really see that what I was trying to do was engineer my outside circumstances in order that I could be okay.

There was a distinct sense that if everything in my world fell into place,

If it was all just as I wanted it to be,

There would be this beam of golden light that would literally hit me on the top of the head and mean that I would be happy.

And it was that seeking that led to burnout and I do,

I've spoken before about it being like the old arcade game,

Which was back in the day called Whack-a-Mole,

Which was where little plastic mole heads would pop out of a machine,

Which you would then hit with a hammer in order to try and make them go down.

But it was the thing to know about this phase of control and particularly if you have noticed that you've got this idea that if you keep going,

If you keep improving things that eventually you will feel somehow different.

The thing to know is that that is not really where happiness comes from.

I think that's the thing to know is that happiness doesn't come from the outside.

We can't manufacture happiness by controlling our circumstances because even if we reach a point where we seem to have all the moles heads down just for a little while,

Because of the nature of life,

Because life is this,

It's a contact sport,

Life is the nature of life is that it is fluctuating and changing all the time,

Just like the weather.

Even if we have it just right for a little while,

It's not going to last.

And that means that we are completely a victim really of the outside circumstances.

Even if your partner is the most wonderful person in the world,

They are human and they are therefore fallible and they can make mistakes and they can forget the little things that you really like to be a certain way.

And they will always do that.

And if you think that you've reached a point of happiness when they weren't doing that and then they do that thing again,

That can be really,

Feel really devastating and can feel like you're back on that roller coaster again,

Going up and down.

So that was the first phase of my relationship with control,

Where I tried to control the outside circumstances all day,

Every day,

Really.

And interestingly,

I think I then saw something about it coming from the inside and about how much I had,

What part I had to play in creating this thing called happiness.

And at that point,

I did turn inwards and,

But then became extremely self-conscious about how I was with now an even more heavy idea than the first one,

That if I didn't deal with myself better,

If I didn't sort myself out,

If I didn't have the therapy or the help,

Get the help that I needed,

That I could never be happy and I could never be how I wanted to be.

And that,

Even that,

As I say that,

That really shone a light on something then,

How I wanted to be.

It was in the wanting of something that I wasn't.

And I think that that element of control came from this idea that I could,

By controlling me,

Achieve exactly the same as I thought I was going to achieve when I was dealing with the outside world,

That I would eventually see myself as being just as I wanted me to be.

And of course,

The complications in that are often around the idea that once we see ourselves as a certain way,

We see more of that.

So for me,

It was always around motivation.

It was always around the idea that I wasn't motivated enough and that I could do something about,

I could control that in some way.

And then when I didn't feel motivated,

I really noticed that and I really felt I had to do something about it.

So I was trying to control myself.

And where this goes against the truth,

And that's why it's difficult for all of us,

Is the truth actually is that human beings are variable like the weather.

Emotionally,

We are variable,

Motivation wise,

We are variable.

We're not supposed to be happy or calm or content all the time.

We're supposed to fluctuate.

So if you're trying to control yourself and make yourself feel or think or behave in a certain way consistently,

That can be another place where control can become utterly exhausting.

Because like in the way when we try to control the outside world and make that be consistent,

That just isn't possible.

So it's going against what's true.

It's the same with us.

If you're trying to make yourself be a certain way all the time,

You are going against what's true,

What is fact.

Fact is that humans are variable,

Changeable,

Never one thing for more than a few minutes really.

And in any aspect of life where we try to control something,

That is not possible.

I mean trying to control is definitely particularly helpful.

But where we're going,

We're kind of butting up against the universe.

We're saying,

I need to be like this and the universe is saying,

No,

You're not going to be like this.

And that feels like a hit in your head against a brick wall because you can't make yourself be something that you're not.

And if you're human,

You are not going to be perfect in inverted commas all the time,

Whatever your version of that is.

Just accepting that can be such a relief.

Just going,

Oh yeah,

I'm human,

Therefore I am supposed to be variable.

Oh yes,

I live in the human plane,

The human physical plane,

And that is also supposed to be variable can be such a relief because it takes a whole load of things off your plate in terms of trying to control so many things.

Just bringing some awareness to this,

Just noticing how life and you are playing out on a day to day basis can be really helpful.

Thank you so much for listening.

There's nothing to do now,

But bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.

Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.

This has been the Calmcast with Clare Downham,

Queen of Calm.

Take care and keep listening.

Reviews

Exactly what I needed to hear. I am a variable human being, love that. Thank you 😊

This was exactly what I needed to hear!
I'm going to have to look up more of your talks. Thank you for sharing this with us!!