Anger

Anger is a much maligned emotion. When we are young we might be discouraged from expressing it because it seems to be one of those 'wrong' feelings. Like anxiety, sadness and jealousy. Everyone seems happier when we express the 'right' emotions like happiness, love and gratitude.
But anger is no different from any other emotion. It is an expression of the thinking which makes sense in the moment. In that way it is unavoidable.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Calmcast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Claire Downham,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt out head teacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying,

And I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The Calmcast is a series of short explorations,

Gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So today's exploration is around anger.

And I have had,

I guess,

I used to have quite a lot of that going on in my life.

If you'd have heard me in the car when somebody pulled out in front of me or did something on the road I didn't appreciate,

Then you would have heard a lot of anger there.

In fact,

I think to be fair,

That's the back of the car was where my children learned to swear because that was what they heard me doing on the road quite often.

I spent a lot of my time being angry with my ex-husband and other people in my life who I didn't think were behaving the way I thought they should.

So that's maybe the first thing to notice about anger.

And when we get angry is what's the story that we have that underpins that anger?

Is it that we feel somebody isn't behaving the way we think they should?

Is it that we think somebody's behavior is somehow detrimental to us,

Damaging us,

Not good for us?

So it's just noticing what's the story that the anger is coming from.

But the first thing to know before we go into that kind of noticing is that in the moment there really only is what we have and the thinking that looks real to us.

Because that's all we ever have.

It doesn't matter what feeling it is we're expressing.

We're expressing it because in that moment that looks completely and utterly real to us.

It looks like it looks sensible.

I guess the word sensible isn't what you use when you're in the middle of feeling angry.

You probably wouldn't use the word sensible,

But it really is the only thing that is full of sense is what we express in the moment.

And I think in the moment nobody could,

Even us,

We wouldn't challenge ourselves in expressing what we're expressing.

It's just what makes sense.

But a few moments later,

And it can literally be with anger,

I think a few moments later when we realise that we've shouted at somebody in anger,

We've got upset with somebody,

We've said something perhaps that we think,

Oh goodness,

I wish I hadn't said that.

And then what can follow is a lot of noise in our heads,

A lot of filling of the space.

So regret,

Guilt,

Just generally feeling bad about ourselves,

Feeling perhaps angry with ourselves for being angry.

But when we realise that in any moment we can only do what we can do with the thinking that makes sense to us,

Then when we realise that,

After the outburst of anger,

When we think,

Oh goodness,

That perhaps wasn't the best way to express my needs,

Or we can feel that unpleasant feeling and we've said something we wish we hadn't said,

When we come from the place of realisation of that's all we had in the moment,

There can be a lot more compassion.

There can be a lot more kindness to ourselves.

There can be a lot more space.

From that place of I was caught up in my thinking,

That's all,

That's all that happened.

I believed what I thought the angle looked like the right thing to do.

From that place,

There's some space.

And really space is all we need.

Because when there's a bit of space,

There's an opportunity perhaps to look with kindness to what we did,

To look with compassion towards the self that did something five minutes ago that now we don't think is quite right.

And then there's less anger and less frustration and less guilt.

And in that space,

There may be something that makes sense to do to try and make things better with the other person or with the situation or whatever it is.

But if we go from being angry with someone else to being angry with ourselves,

There's no space.

There's no space for what we might need.

And what just came to me then is it's because there's too much noise.

Whenever we've done anything that later on we wish we hadn't.

The wishing we hadn't is the piece that is almost a bit pointless really because we have.

We've done it,

Haven't we?

It's too late.

But from the place of compassion,

We can,

For ourselves,

We can take the next step forward.

Guilt looks like it's a motivator for change,

But really it isn't.

I remember hearing a story once about a man who was unfortunately doing a lot of gambling and gambling money away that was meant to pay for things for his family.

And this story came from somebody who was helping this man.

And every time he came to the session,

There was an extreme amount of guilt and unhappiness with himself and feeling bad about himself and none of that instigated change because it wasn't that,

That isn't what instigates change really.

Because generally if you're gambling or doing anything in the world,

It's because you're trying to meet your needs or it looks like that from a place of misunderstanding where your feelings are coming from.

Any behavior that we do is,

Is always coming from the place of understanding where we are,

The thought we have in the moment.

And anger is no different.

Anger is generally coming from a misunderstanding about where our feelings come from.

If we think our feelings or our experience of life is coming from another person or a situation or a driver who's pulled out in front of us,

Then in that confusion,

That's the confusion from which we act,

Isn't it?

And really,

As we look at it that way,

It all makes perfect sense that if we,

If we think our wellbeing depends upon certain things being a certain way and those things are not that way and then we feel frustration and anger about that and we express that to try and make that situation change,

Then that makes perfect sense if we think our feelings come from somewhere outside of us.

And really,

There's nothing to manage and nothing to do in anger,

Which it can look like,

Isn't it?

You need to go to an anger management class or learn about anger or sometimes you're encouraged to kind of deliberately express it,

To get it out.

Well,

Really,

All we need to know is,

Is we need to,

Under,

We don't need to do anything,

But once we start to understand how this system inside us works,

How from moment to moment all we're doing is expressing what makes sense to us and that all of everything comes from inside and not outside.

If we,

If we start looking in that direction more and more,

The anger,

Well for me,

That anger is naturally fallen away.

It comes and goes much quicker because I've learned,

I guess the learning to read the feelings is what's beneficial.

Like if there's an uncomfortable feeling,

A naughty feeling,

An angry feeling,

That feeling,

That the thinking that goes with that has got nothing to offer us and possibly then the words that are going to come out of our mouth have got nothing to offer anyone because they're coming from that place of angry thinking,

Not from anywhere else.

Just,

It's just interesting to start getting curious what happens when we start to read our feelings accurately,

When we know that the feeling,

Whatever the feeling is,

Is coming from inside,

It's coming from what's working around in here,

Not from anywhere else.

As we look more and more in this direction,

Things like anger seem less,

There seems to be less of a need to express it.

Thank you so much for listening.

There's nothing to do now but bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.

Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.

This has been the Calmcast with Claire Downham,

Queen of Calm.

Take care and keep listening.

Reviews

I didn’t realize this was a talk rather than a meditation, but it was very insightful. I wonder if just bringing awareness to the source of our emotions would also help in the case of several years of repressed anger due to childhood trauma.

Thank you for validating my anger and inspiring my curiosity.

Such excellent explanation of our anger
Probably the best I’ve ever heard. Thank you so much

This is an excellent reminder as I learn to navigate my relationship with a loved one who is a narcissist with PTSD. I have so much anger that only very occasionally comes out - in response to their daily derisions and verbal abuse. Thank you for this!

Lovely talk, thank you. I’m always been so aware not to have a sharp anger like my mom can have because it’s so upsetting if it comes out in the physical body & world.

Very helpful talk on anger. It makes sense and is very helpful to hear other's experiences.
Your voice was music to my soul bringing me to my roots, being from North Yorkshire and that was really nice, thank you.
I will keep listening ☺️

Thank you so much! I’m going to listen to this often ❤️🙏❤️

That was so incredibly valuable! Thank you for sharing that wisdom. As difficult as it is to look inward at times, it is empowering to take back control! Clearly my anger is presenting something I need to look at.

Thank you for helping me understand why I feel angry ♥️

Just what I needed to hear today. A steady voice helping me to keep calm. Thank you. ❤️🙏

Logical. Feelings come from inside, including anger. Then there is less of a need to express it. I will see if that is true in my life. Thank you

Huge help. Desperately angry tonight. Thank you for reminding, there's nothing to be done

I like the real-ness this podcast brings. Thank you.

Thank you so much x