Mistakes!

Does it look like we all make mistakes but do we really? Here's a different take. At the moment when you do something, it looks right! It is the best thing to do. At that moment there isn't anything else. That's the thinking which looks real. Later, that can change. A new perspective has emerged. New thinking looks real. Then the regret. But the self you are criticising was doing its best. Can you see that? Can you bring compassion to how you see yourself?

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Calmcast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Claire Downham,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying and I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The Calmcast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

Hi.

So today I'm going to talk about mistakes.

I saw a post recently from a woman who had been in a really difficult place,

Had ended up pretty much burnt out and not feeling so good and I could totally relate because I've been there too.

And on reading her post and also on reflecting how I used to look at my life,

It's really easy to get into this space of regret,

Of looking at all the mistakes we've made that have meant we've ended up in this really awful place.

And then in the moment of thinking about that,

I had such a big realisation and that was that there are no mistakes.

Now I,

Coming from a spiritual kind of place,

The one way of looking at that,

That there are no mistakes is that life ends up as a result of the things that we think are the worst times in our lives can end up being truly amazing.

And my own story is along those lines in that when I burnt out as a headteacher and ended up in a really quite difficult space,

Ended up not working for a year and being really quite poorly,

What's come out of that is,

Well,

One of the things that's come out of that is me sitting here talking to you through all sorts of different twists and turns,

But that's how I ended up here.

Now that's one way,

This sense that the universe has your back,

As the lovely Gabby Bernstein would say,

The sense that it's all working out exactly as it's supposed to be.

And I definitely find myself coming from that place,

That kind of no regrets.

Look,

Some stuff that's been difficult has happened in your life,

But look at all the good stuff that's come out of it.

Look at where you are now as a result of that.

So that's one wonderful space to come from.

But the other space is more around how we are with ourselves when we think we've made a mistake.

I don't know if you've ever reflected on this,

But have you ever looked at any decision you made that you later regretted and had this realisation that at the time,

At the time when you made that decision,

Nothing else made sense?

You might have had all sorts of thinking go through your head.

You'd be aware of a tossing and turning and a back and forth and perhaps a decision-making process.

But in the moment when you did what you did,

Whatever that was,

Whatever it was,

It 100% made sense to do that.

You didn't make a mistake then.

You just did what made sense to you in the moment.

And,

And then a moment later,

It didn't make sense anymore.

Or a week later or,

You know,

Some time in,

In the future,

That decision that you made stopped making sense.

And that's because you,

Through whatever had turned up,

Had gained a new perspective,

Had gained some insight maybe,

Had seen something different,

Learned something about the situation.

And so then you look at your past behaviour and go,

Oh,

Well,

That just,

That's ridiculous.

Why did I do that?

Why did I do that?

Well,

You did that because that's what made sense to you in the moment.

And I heard a story once which I think I've shared before,

But it was a story about a man who was in prison.

Some people,

Some people who are coaches in my community were working with this group of inmates.

And this man had ended up in prison because he had shot a policeman.

Now the man had ended up in the situation of robbing a gas station,

As they call them in America,

Petrol stations,

We call them in the UK.

He'd ended up in that position because he,

You know,

Life was,

Was not good.

He,

You know,

Had no money,

Wanted to feel his family,

You know,

The,

The,

The kind of things we hear sometimes.

He was in a terrible place,

So he made this decision because it looked like the only thing he could do at that time to go and rob this petrol station.

And unfortunately a policeman walked in and he ended up shooting him.

And the man,

As I remember it,

And I'm probably just hashing up this story as I tend to do,

But it makes a point.

The man,

As he was running away from what he had done,

Had thought upon thought upon thought of all the other things he could have done in that situation,

You know,

That he could have shouted that the policeman made him lie on the floor and threatened him and then run away or,

You know,

That you can imagine.

And that was moments,

Moments after he'd done that thing.

But in the moment,

In the moment when the trigger was pulled,

And that's a great metaphor,

Isn't it,

When you're pulling the trigger on the actions in your life,

That's what made sense to this man.

And that is what makes sense to you.

There are no mistakes.

The thing that's happened has happened.

It's us that change.

It's us that see that that wasn't the best thing.

There's others that see later,

Oh,

I really shouldn't have done that.

Now,

In the moment,

That was the right thing to do.

It has to be because it's what you did.

And living in this place of not just regret,

Not I don't just see regret when I see people speak about this,

I see self-hatred,

I see people calling themselves idiots for doing things.

I see a lack of kindness towards yourself.

Now a whole different conversation is how we treat other people who we think are doing things wrong,

Same kind of thing.

But I have to say,

I think we're harsher,

Much,

Much harsher on ourselves than we ever are on other people.

So there's an invitation here and the invitation is towards self-compassion,

Towards kindness to yourself,

Towards this idea that there are no mistakes.

There are new perspectives.

There is new thought in the moment.

There is the next step.

And from that place,

From that place of not churning over the past and feeling bad about ourselves,

There's much more capacity for insight,

For finding a solution,

For anything that can be helpful.

The more helpful things come from that place,

The place where there is some awareness of something that's not gone as well as we might like,

Something that's not working out.

But without any judgment of the past self,

With compassion towards the past self,

It's so much easier to take the next step forward because your head's clear,

Not because you're being kind to yourself,

But just because you're not thinking about being unkind to yourself.

So there,

There's some space inside you for you to take the next step forward.

Thank you.

Just bring some awareness and curiosity to this as you go through your life.

That's all the invitation here ever is because awareness without that stack of judgment is our superpower and there are no mistakes.

There's just new insight and new perspective.

Thank you so much for listening.

There's nothing to do now,

But bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.

Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.

This has been the Calmcast with Claire Downham,

Queen of Calm.

Take care and keep listening.

Reviews

A very interesting, and misunderstood, topic. Thank you for sharing!

Have been really struggling lately and this particular session really helped me - thank you.

This really helped me to change my perspective. I always keep going back to mistakes I made, feeling really dissappointed in myself for not acting differently. But this talk was very helpfull in changing the angry feeling towards myself in a more understanding one. Definately recommend it!

Really helpful and interesting .. definitely interested in more

Amazing 🤩

Wow! That was awesome! I feel sooo much better just from listen once. Amazing!