Self-Development

"When do we start learning all this self-development stuff?", was a brilliant question I was asked by a client recently. As adults, I think we usually come across self-development by accident. Perhaps because we are struggling, starting a business or by stumbling across, 'The Secret'. But I think it starts way before that. When we are very small, we start to learn that thoughts, emotions and behaviour are ours to control. So the self-development rabbit hole searching begins.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Calmcast, A time to feel calm and think clearly. I'm Claire Downham, The Queen of Calm, A transformational life coach. I was a burnt out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying and I want to prevent you from having to do the same. The Calmcast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state which is calm and clarity. Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity. There's nothing else to do. Now let's relax into today's episode. Where does all this self-development stuff start? That was a brilliant question I was recently asked when I was in a coaching conversation and I really had to think about when does it all start. I mean for me it felt like it started after I burnt out that it was me trying to feel better to avoid I guess burning out again and also being a business owner and thinking that I had to be better to be the business owner I wanted to be, To have the business I wanted to have. But when I think about that idea of self-development I guess it starts much, Much earlier than that. I mean when do we first start to see that there is something about us that we could improve on? I suspect when we're pretty small, When you know well-meaning innocent adults around us, Parents and teachers and whoever else we happen to come into contact with, They say things to us that kind of starts to give us the idea because that's the idea they believe too, That we can develop in some way to improve in some way. Just the little things like what well-meaning parent doesn't say to their child, Oh don't cry when they're upset, When we've fallen and hurt our knee or we were upset about something and we don't want it to be that way, A well-meaning parent will say don't cry so it looks like it's our job to stop crying. Being angry is another great example, It's not okay to be angry when you're a child is it? So it looks like it's your job to make sure you don't get angry. A phrase has just come to mind which I'm sure I've used many times as a teacher, Head teacher, Parent, What were you thinking? What were you thinking is a great one isn't it for questioning somebody's behavior I think really generally isn't it? There's an understanding that the behavior has come from thought and what were you thinking? Again does that look, Start to look to us like oh well what was I thinking? Do I need to think something better? I used to say to children, Just our children used to be sent to my office when I was a teacher and I used to put my children on the bottom step too and say things like well just think about what you did, Think about what you could do differently, Think about. So maybe you know in terms of feelings, Thoughts and behaviors from very early on in life we are being guided to see that there is a self, There is a concept, There's something there that we can improve upon or develop in some way. But it's a bit of a trap isn't it? Because the self is like who we really are is this perfect diamond. Diamond's the only metaphor for this because it is unbreakable, It's who we really are, It's all that wisdom and peace and that connection to others and love, Calmness, Confidence, Resilience all those things that we're seeking when we do the self-development of course. And then there is this, What we call the self which is a collection of bits of thinking that we happen to have hung on to for some reason, Who knows why. Usually because there was a bit of emotion involved when they were delivered to us, Ideas about ourselves that are other people's ideas not ours which are made of their thinking which is other people's ideas not theirs. I mean it goes layer upon layer back. We don't need to know where from specifically but it's just knowing that that's the quality of it, That's the quality of the noise in our head that we're calling the self. And then self-development comes along and says oh you need to fix that self, You need to sort it out. And so the same self that we're trying to fix does the self-development. And that is a bit like doing your own brain surgery, Not recommended by the way. You can't fix something with the same thing that you're trying to fix which is a collection of thoughts. So the self that we imagine being a thing is a collection of thoughts and also the, I don't know what the word is, The person but there is no other person but the thoughts doing the thinking that the first lot of thinking needs to be changed is also made of the same rubbish. And I think that's maybe why it's a trap and why we can go down so many different rabbit holes to try and find the thing that is going to fix us. It can be a never-ending journey, You know, I know people who've been on it for a very very long time. You know they'll even tell you when it started. For me it started in 2015-16 around the time, Probably a little bit before burnout actually, I started to look at coaching and read things like The Secret and a bit of Eckhart Tolle and things like that. Flowing to a bit of Tony Robbins, Not so much now though, Bless him. People can tell you, Can't they? They can tell you when it started, When they started the self-development journey. The person I was speaking to yesterday would probably pinpoint it to the day nearly when they came across this thing called self-development. But the whole concept of it is built on shaky ground like I've been seeing, That this thing called the self isn't a thing, Doesn't exist. It's moment by moment thoughts. It's not real. And it is never-ending in the regard to the judgment, You know, The judgment of the self as being not okay is done by the same self. The where we want to get to because it'll be better is created out of the same stuff, The same thinking, The same self-concept. And really, I think that's where, For me, It's not a self that needs developing because that's just developing some old rubbishy stuff that was already there. Is it now with, You know, Can we bring some curiosity to the self-concept beginning to fall away? That all that, Underneath all that noise of who we think we are, There's something available to all of us that is amazing, That we're all made of, Peace, Love, Wisdom, All those things. That's what's underneath all the noise, All this so-called self that we're trying to develop. So what I'm pointing to here is to start to hold the self, The idea of the self just a little more likely to start to see that. Thought is not some permanent thing, The self is made of thought and it isn't that solid. It seems sometimes like it's a pickaxe job, Doesn't it, To sort the self out, Like you've got to work harder. It can be really tiring, I found out. It really was tiring for me in the end. As we begin to hold that concept more lightly, Things naturally fall away because who we really are is none of that anyway. But when we bring self-development in, That is just another layer of thinking about the thinking that we don't want to have. It just becomes more complicated when simplicity is available now and from simplicity and space there's so much more. Thank you so much for listening. There's nothing to do now but bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life. Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm. This has been the Calmcast with Clare Downham, Queen of Calm. Take care and keep listening.