For Parents Separating - A Letter From A Child

This talk is for anyone who is dealing with a family break up, no matter if you are a parent, a child, or a grown person whose parents separated earlier in their life. The goals of this talk are A. to inspire as much as possible, B. to be a bit of a warning, and C. to blame as little as possible. The last two goals will be difficult to achieve, but I will attempt to marry them well. This talk was written from the perspective of myself as a young child, around the time my parents divorced.

I created this talk because I want to raise awareness of breakups involving children carrying two different separations. Firstly, the separation of two people and their romantic partnership, and secondly the separation of the family nucleus. The first one is easy for a child to overcome, and the second one carries a great amount of potential trauma.

Transcript

Welcome.

This talk is for anyone who is dealing with a family breakup,

No matter if you are a parent,

A child or a grown person whose parents separated earlier in their life.

The goals of this talk are A.

To inspire as much as possible,

B.

To be a bit of a warning and C.

To blame as little as possible.

The last two goals will be difficult to achieve,

But I will attempt to marry them well.

This talk is written from the perspective of myself as a young child,

Around the time my parents divorced.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I feel that things are not really great in the house anymore,

But I cannot say it.

I cannot say it,

Because I cannot even formulate proper thoughts of what I am feeling.

I know I am feeling something,

That's for sure.

But your question of how I am feeling,

I cannot answer.

Not because I am not feeling anything,

Only because I cannot articulate my feelings properly,

Not even in my own head.

I cannot even become conscious of my feelings myself,

But they do exist,

And I do feel them.

You separated a while ago and you are about to divorce,

And you are both very busy with your own emotions,

So I would like to take a moment to share my emotions and my thoughts.

I am angry.

I am not showing it,

But I am very angry.

I have no idea why.

I am angry at you and myself.

I don't know what I am supposed to do with this anger.

I think I am angry at myself for allowing everything to happen,

And angry at you two for making me feel abandoned.

I know you tell me you will never abandon me,

But I do not believe you,

Because your emotions and actions do not meet your words.

You abandoned each other,

And I am at risk to be next,

And to a certain degree,

I am already next.

You two abandoned the family I was part of,

And I am angry at you for that.

I am exhausted and I am angry,

And even more so I am sad.

I am so very sad.

And the more days pass,

The more I realize that underneath most of my anger lies sadness.

My sadness started while realizing that you,

Dad,

Are not at home anymore.

I am not fully comprehending what that means or what that means for the future,

But I do notice it.

You're not here,

Dad.

You're not only giving up on each other,

But you're also giving up on my family nucleus.

I don't know what a relationship really is,

But I do know what a family is.

It is you two,

And my brother,

And I.

It is the four of us.

Right now,

You're not only deciding to give up on your relationship to each other,

You're also giving up on our family nucleus.

The four of us don't spend time together anymore.

You don't spend a few hours every week together with us peacefully.

There is no picture of the four of us on the walls.

Slowly,

The mental image of four people,

My family,

Disappears.

My memories become dreams.

You two are taking my memories away from me.

You erase the image of the four of us from my fragile,

Childish memory.

Both of you abandoned my family.

Why don't you differentiate your romantic relationship breakup from the breakup of the family nucleus?

One might be a good decision,

And the other one comes with a lot of side effects that I am not prepared for.

Is it not possible for couples to divorce whilst keeping the family nucleus alive?

I feel deeply sorry that you can't.

I am sad for both of you.

You will miss out.

You don't know that because you're lost in your emotions and immature behavior.

I wish for one second I could show you the beauty and fulfillment you will get if you can keep the family alive,

If you can find a way to get over your own emotions.

If I could show you right now the value and beauty and what it would mean for me and my future,

You would not hesitate for one second to keep the family nucleus alive while divorcing.

I have no doubt about it.

I want to touch you with a magic stick and show you the future.

You would keep the family nucleus alive.

You will not think of your narcissism,

Self-pity and victimizing emotions as important as my childhood.

If only you could see it.

I am sad and angry and I am scared.

The more time passes,

The more I realize that you don't talk to each other at all.

Maybe you do.

If you do,

Then I don't notice it.

I guess you might tell each other things like who is dropping off or picking up whom.

But do you talk about anything else?

I wonder.

I don't see you together.

It is so weird.

It is like there are two different worlds now.

One with mom and one with dad.

And they have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

Not only has my family been destroyed by you,

You created two half versions that have nothing to do with each other.

You don't talk to each other and you don't talk about each other.

You never tell me how amazing the other parent is.

You don't even mention the other's name.

You are creating an atmosphere for me and my brother where it seems best not to talk about the other parent.

This is devastating to me.

You have no idea how that makes me feel.

I know you are saying I can tell you anything,

But I can't.

Your words are meaningless.

I see you.

I see both of you.

I feel both of your anger,

Sadness and disgust for one another.

I am not able to say anything because you are creating this.

All of this.

Yesterday,

My brother and I rode our bikes home from lunch at your place,

Dad.

During lunch,

You asked us multiple times about our upcoming holiday with mom.

Where are we going?

How are we getting there?

Whom are we going with?

My brother and I knew the answers to your questions,

Dad.

But we didn't answer them.

We will drive to the countryside with the car with mom's new partner.

But during lunch,

We pretended we knew nothing.

We played dumb.

We lied to you,

Dad.

On our bike ride home after lunch,

My brother and I talked to each other about what we are supposed to do.

We decided to do nothing,

To not mention it to neither of you.

Is that fair?

We are managing both of you because you don't seem it important to create a family for us.

You don't even find it important to talk to each other.

I am sad for me and my brother.

And I am angry at you,

Mom.

A week later,

You,

Dad,

Tell us that we can say anything to you.

That there is no need for secrets.

Obviously,

You called mom and asked her the same questions you asked us at lunch.

Questions you should have never had to ask us in the first place.

Questions young kids should never be confronted with because it makes us come in between you two.

How dare you destroy my family nucleus and not talk to each other?

How dare you?

How dare you not talk to each other while having small children?

How dare you not talk to each other every freaking day when you have two small children together?

I am angry,

I am hurt,

I am sad.

I am so angry at you for not talking to each other extensively,

With respect and gratitude,

Especially in front of my eyes.

I know I sound bitter and hateful,

But believe me,

There is no hate,

Only anger.

I love both of you dearly,

Both of you,

Mom and dad.

You are my guidance and I am grateful to both of you.

You are giving me a lot.

I am never unsafe and I never feel really uncertain about my future.

I never feel scared about my health and safety.

It sounds obvious,

But I am grateful nevertheless.

I am grateful and I love both of you like I love no one else.

I have no idea if you are good parents or bad parents.

I cannot say that and I don't think I will ever be able to.

I know you are my parents,

That's all I ever know.

In life you only get one set of parents,

That's it.

You are taking care of me,

You are loving me,

You are watching me grow,

You are feeding and housing me,

You are picking me up when I cry,

You love me endlessly,

I am absolutely sure of that.

But it's not good enough.

Because even though both of you keep me safe,

Your separation is shaking my confidence.

I know I am outgoing and full of energy and cheeky,

A bit of a clown,

Positive,

But it is only part of me.

Your divorce shakes my confidence.

It is doing its work subconsciously and I cannot really understand the effect of it just yet.

What I am internalizing underneath it all is that I am not worth staying together for.

That is the truth.

I know you say your divorce has nothing to do with me,

But you are wrong.

You giving up our family nucleus has everything to do with me.

It has everything to do with me because I am a small child and it is my family you are giving up on.

Being the small child I am means everything that is happening in my life is because of me.

That's how I function and that's how I am supposed to function until I am an adult.

Maybe staying together in a relationship is not the best option for you two,

But that's not what I need.

I need you two to stay together as a family,

Not as a romantic couple.

You have to create a world that makes me feel safe and not just tell me I can't feel safe.

I have trouble focusing at school.

Maybe it is just my personality or maybe it is the idiotic school system trying to make boys with a lot of energy shut their mouth and sit still or maybe it is a father figure lacking in the household.

I don't know.

What I do know is that my school grades are going down.

I seem uninterested and unmotivated.

You two send me to a psychologist and try out Ritalin on me.

What you are not trying out is spending a Sunday together with me and my brother,

Being kind and respectful to each other in front of my eyes.

You two leaving my family means you two are giving up on creating a family energy,

A family strength,

A family bond.

You are both caring for me,

You are both doing your part and I am thankful for that.

But that's not what I need and want.

I want to not even have to think or feel any of this.

I just want to be a child.

I am exhausted.

I am exhausted because I am in between you.

There is no way around this.

I am between you mom and you dad.

I am between you because you are far away from each other.

You are far away from each other physically,

Mentally,

Emotionally and spiritually.

By default I am between you.

You are not giving me any other chance.

Also,

I don't think that you are aware that the way you two feel about each other goes through me.

Every emotion you feel for each other,

I feel.

Maybe I am believing in weird energies that don't exist,

But don't underestimate my sensitivity.

I don't look it,

But I am extremely sensitive.

I feel stressed without understanding where it comes from.

I think I am supposed to be fine and I am starting to believe that the way I feel is normal,

That everyone feels this way.

It's not.

Not every 6 year old feels stressed and absolutely no 6 year old should feel stressed.

I know you are trying to not involve me in your divorce.

You are trying to spare me from having to deal with it.

That is impossible.

I actually think to a certain degree you are making it harder for me.

I have spent my entire life with you two.

You don't think I can feel you two?

You don't think I am seeing every little thing that is going on?

Just because I play or read a comic book doesn't mean I am not fully aware of you and see everything that is going on.

I can literally feel you.

So separating this experience,

Your divorce from me,

Means you are separating me from your feelings.

So now you are not only destroying my family,

You are also destroying my honest emotional relationship with you.

I am between you,

But seldomly in the middle.

I go back and forth from one side to the other.

I go back and forth because you make me go back and forth.

I am picking sides.

I would never tell you,

But I am constantly picking sides.

I am picking sides because you are creating sides.

You are creating two different sides of what was my family.

Consciously and subconsciously I choose and change all the time.

I choose sides to cater for your needs.

To cater for both of your immaturity.

I am a six year old boy who is very quickly learning to adapt to both sides.

I am not free anymore.

I am not free in my expression.

I am aware of myself.

And I am aware of what I say and how it affects you.

I am starting to create a filter in front of my mouth.

I shouldn't be.

I shouldn't be restricted.

I should be free and unrestricted.

The strongest feeling and the feeling that I cannot comprehend fully yet is the sadness.

Sadness and grief.

I am really sad,

But I am not showing it to you.

Both of you seem so stressed and full already.

I don't want to bother you.

You say the divorce is your thing to deal with,

Not mine.

That makes me think that my emotions and sadness do not have a place and are unjustified.

But I am a thousand times more sad than I will ever show you.

I don't show my sadness because I don't want to make you even sadder.

I feel that I shouldn't be a bother.

Why can't I be a bother?

I am a child.

I should be the childish one,

The emotionally immature one.

I should be the one whose emotions matter the most and who feels comfortable to express himself.

I am sad and angry.

I am also sad for you two.

I am so sorry you didn't make it.

I am so sorry you have to suffer so much.

Your whole situation deeply saddens me.

I feel for you.

You say there is no such thing as a perfect home.

I think you say that to make it easier on yourself.

To forget about destroying my family.

Of course there is no perfection.

It doesn't exist.

I know that.

I just have wishes in my chest.

Wishes and longings for a family together.

For all four of us being together in the same room,

Reading comic books,

Playing a game,

Doing nothing and everything.

I don't need you two to get back together.

I need you both to read a book or the newspaper in the same room and ignore me while I play with my brother.

I need to feel that all is well.

I need to feel safe.

I want both of you to be happy.

And I am actually really trying to make both of you happy.

I will work hard to be a great child.

Maybe you don't see it,

But I am trying my best.

I am not sure what I want out of it.

I think first and foremost I want you two to be happy.

I don't want to see you sad and suffering.

I feel responsible.

Maybe subconsciously I want you two to get back together.

I don't know.

I am a child and sometimes I think the only way to get my family nucleus back is for you two to be romantically involved.

So maybe I say you two should get back together.

What I really mean is you two should become emotionally mature enough to create my family nucleus.

Maybe you think I am childish and silly when I say I want you two to love each other again.

But you are not paying attention.

You are not paying attention to what I really mean by that or what I really need.

I don't need you two to love each other romantically again.

I need you two to love me enough to not destroy my family.

I am not sure if I am right on all of this.

I am confused.

I am allowed to be confused because I am a child.

I am confused and angry.

Don't belittle me for it.

Take me seriously.

Take me really seriously.

Of course I am too young to understand the complexity of emotions and feelings.

But I am feeling a lot.

Believe me.

I am feeling a whole lot.

I have no idea yet what a partner really is or why you two are not partners anymore or why you dislike each other so much.

I don't know what romantic love and lust is.

What I do know is that you are seeing other people you want to be with.

Other partners.

You both introduced your new partners to me and I don't know why.

What I am wondering is,

Both of you do not bother to get to know,

Accept and embrace the other's new partner.

So why should I?

You don't want to know the person who influences your child on such an intimate level?

I am angry.

I know you care,

But it's hard to believe sometimes.

For you two,

The world on the other side doesn't exist.

That means half of me doesn't exist in your mind.

You are not interested in creating one big family.

So why should I?

You are excluding and not including.

So why should I be inclusive?

You don't want to grow one family nucleus.

You want each of your own,

But it doesn't work like that.

Not for me.

You don't respect and love each other and the other's new partner.

So why should I?

I am no better than you.

I am a reflection of you.

I am a reflection of your behavior.

The only difference is that I am a child and that I cannot comprehend and articulate my feelings.

I am feeling them though and I am affected by them.

I am angry and I have no idea why.

I am crying,

But almost always on the inside.

You are both wrong.

You both created this.

You both might be to blame for different things and maybe one of you is more narcissistic or less mature,

But you both created this.

Both of you were adults when entering this relationship and no one was forced into anything.

Both of you invited me into your lives.

Doing so,

You make a pact with God.

You make an agreement to give yourself up for another and for your children.

But both of you did not give yourself up.

You created my family and you both destroyed it.

The only person who has been wronged is me,

Not you two.

But both of you think you have been wronged.

And both of you think you have to protect yourselves.

You forget that the only thing that needed protecting is my family nucleus that you destroyed so blindly.

I am angry.

I am very angry.

I wonder when you separated how conscious you were of what it meant for me.

I do wonder how much time you took individually and together as to how to get your kids through this.

Did you read the research from Lisa Strohschein that showed that children whose parents divorce exhibit way higher levels of anxiety,

Depression and antisocial behavior than peers whose parents remain married and that divorce is associated with significant risks for children and adolescents including substance abuse and addictions,

Mental and physical health problems and poor educational outcomes.

I am six years old and of course I am not aware of this research.

You should be aware of it.

I am not aware of the research but with each day passing and getting older I feel my tendency for substance abuse and addictions growing.

I am starting to see mental and physical health problems and I observe myself struggling at school.

Not once do I even think this could be because of your divorce.

I don't think so because I am scared.

I am scared it could get worse.

I am scared you too could get worse.

You seem to be somewhat functioning human beings and I need you to be that functioning human beings.

I rely on you so I try to stay out of your way.

Also I love and I care for you.

I care for both of you like I care for no other.

I want you two to be happy and to become even more happy.

You deserve everything and I will try to make you have the best life possible.

I will protect you.

I will never say anything bad about you to anyone.

Maybe also because deep underneath it all I am ashamed.

I am not sure if I am ashamed.

I have no idea to be honest because again I really can't fully understand what I am feeling.

What I do know is that I am not talking about your divorce to anyone.

I am not mentioning it to friends or at school.

Maybe I am too young to mention it but maybe I am ashamed.

Also no one asks me about it either.

Maybe other people are ashamed of me or for me.

Or I guess I seem fine and no one needs to ask.

I am not fine.

I am angry and sad and your words don't change anything about that.

I am slowly losing the feeling of having a home.

Having a home is mostly a feeling for me,

Not so much the place.

Even though I feel the feeling that is home,

I never really think about it consciously.

I am too young.

But it does exist for me,

My home,

That feeling.

I can feel it and I can also feel it slowly disappear.

Even though my home is a feeling,

I guess my home is also the house where I live with my mom and my brother.

There is a familiarity.

It is the place I know best.

I know every millimeter.

It's the place of most of my happy childhood moments.

But it slowly feels different,

Even though it is the same place.

You don't see it so much,

But I am sad.

Also when I go to your apartment,

Dad,

Then I feel okay,

But I don't feel like it's my home.

I feel like I am a guest.

I am welcome,

But I am not part of this place.

I am a visitor.

I am a visitor to a part of something that used to be my home.

That's you,

Dad.

Eventually we are moving away.

I am not sure how that makes me feel.

I am a confused child and sometimes I think it's great and sometimes not.

I definitely know I am supposed to find it great.

I want to make you happy,

Mom.

You mom are remarrying and you take my brother and I with you to another town,

To another house,

To a man and his children.

You take us out of our house,

Our city,

Our surroundings,

Our familiarity.

You are rushing.

You have no idea what you are doing,

Mom.

You are blindly hoping for the best,

Not taking responsibility for yourself and your two sons.

You don't think things through.

And two years from now,

After your second divorce,

We move back to our hometown as even more broken children.

Well,

Broken teenagers now.

I am not blaming you,

Mom.

You were hoping for the best and you were hoping for the best for your children.

I really hope for your sake that you truly believe this move was good for me.

Because it wasn't.

But I forgive you for your immaturity and the pain you caused,

Mom.

I love you endlessly,

Mom.

I want you to be happy.

Every day of my life I think of you and I wish pure happiness for you.

You deserve it more than anyone I know.

You give so much to me and I want to give everything back and so much more.

I know I'm angry,

But I love you endlessly.

With everything I'm going through at such a young age,

I have no chance to get a healthy blueprint for how to create a romantic relationship,

A healthy family or dealing with my emotions.

You're not giving me any of those blueprints.

I will hopefully teach them to myself one day soon.

I want to understand how to treat a partner.

I want to understand how to create a healthy relationship.

I want to understand the dance between feminine and masculine.

But for now,

I don't understand how to create a life partnership,

Because you're not showing it to me,

Dad.

My blueprint right now is to have unhealthy relationships that don't last.

That's what I'm being taught.

What I expect of a relationship is to get a divorce.

You two are not very conscious of it,

I think.

But I'm getting a blueprint for everything,

Not just relationships.

I'm getting blueprints for my entire life from both of you.

I'm getting a blueprint for literally everything.

How to talk,

Eat,

What is unhealthy,

Healthy,

Good,

Bad,

How to argue,

How to joke,

How to play,

How to work,

How to talk to strangers,

How to have a partnership.

A lot of these things are absolutely fine and you teach me well,

But a lot of these blueprints are a catastrophe and I'm suffering because of it.

And that would be so easy to change.

It wouldn't take a lot.

My blueprint is that my two parents don't talk to each other and never spend time together.

That is my blueprint of a family now.

I'm angry.

I'm not expressing it,

But I'm angry and sad.

Maybe I'm also angry because I'm not in control.

You are in control.

My brother and I are passengers in your vehicle that is called life.

And both of you are shitty drivers when it comes to creating a family.

It is unfair.

You chose to create us and it is your responsibility to give us the best chances to succeed in our life in every aspect.

We are powerless.

It might not seem that way,

But I'm a fragile,

Powerless child,

Not in control of my life and definitely not in control of your divorce.

I know I sound like a victim.

That is because I am a victim.

I can't walk away from you two.

Until I'm 18,

I'm stuck with both of you,

Mom and dad.

So when I think about it,

I don't want to walk away from you.

I chose you.

I chose you as my parents and I don't want any other parents in the world.

I love you so much.

I love and care for you two endlessly.

I'm very,

Very grateful.

I know your parents.

I know my grandparents.

I can only imagine what your childhoods must have been like.

I can only imagine what kind of trauma you are carrying.

I'm very sure both of your childhoods are a bigger trauma than mine.

I know it's not ideal to compare,

But it does give a perspective.

Also,

Your trauma doesn't mean my trauma is small or even unvalid,

But it means I can acknowledge that both of you extended yourselves and both of you tried to be better parents than your parents were.

You improved the blueprint you received as a child.

I'm sure of it.

You're good people.

You carry love in your heart and want the best for me.

I know I'm important to you,

Very important.

I know that your intention is good.

It is just not enough at the moment.

I love both of you.