Releasing Yourself From Your Past (Live Class 2-3)

It's difficult sometimes to realize why we're using the past to dictate who we are. Why we can't let go of old memories. This class we'll discuss our desire for continuity, for a story of a person we are, and how to focus on new versions of the person we want to become.

Transcript

Okay, So today we're exploring the topic of let go of the person that you used to be. And we've done this a couple of times, But we have had a few different variations of the way that we look at it and the way we want to look at it. Over the next couple of minutes, If somebody has something that they are wanting to let go of, Or questions they do want to ask, I will adapt the class based on what's alive for people. But the idea that I had coming in that I wanted to explore with all of you is reconciling your past. Letting go of literally the person you used to be. And many of the other versions of this class, We have talked about in the moment, The person that we still believe we are letting go. But in this class, I was wondering how people feel and what they think about truly thinking about the person that we used to be and letting that go. We may no longer act that way. We may no longer have behaved that way. But we want to let go of the idea that we are that person. Let go of that sense of continuity that those actions from the past still reflect who we are today. To give ourselves permission to be an entirely new person moving forward, Which we will then explore what is happening within the body and mind. That we want to believe that there is continuity. That we want to believe, For instance, Let's say everyone on this call was a teenager at some point. Or the one time we did have a teenager in here. So I don't know. And has done things, Said things, Acted in ways that they're embarrassed about or ashamed or done something throughout their life that they're like, I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I said that. I can't believe this. And unfortunately, We have an internal battle in between the part of ourselves that really would rather forget that and the part of ourselves that says that's who we are. We're afraid of that. That's part of our history. That's something that we could do again. That's something we have to be on the watch for. And we want to explore why. Why are we so attached to these older versions of us and these older actions of us in order to try to create continuity? In order to create the sense of a person that is dependable and continuous. And then we're going to meditate on letting that go. How does that sound to everyone? Because if someone doesn't have an alternate topic that they'd really like to discuss to go around that, We'll do that with a grounding, A talk, And a meditation to practice. Sound good to everyone? Perfect. I love it. So let's go ahead. Find a comfortable position. Go ahead and close your eyes. Take a deep, Deep breath. Let it out with a sigh. Take a minute to settle into your experience of right now. Meaning, If your mind is abstracting into the past or the future, See what you're really experiencing right now. And even then you're not experiencing a breath. You're experiencing the moment of inhale or exhale. Your heart is beating, But you're not experiencing your heart beating right now at any given point. You're experiencing your heart pulling in or heart pushing out. You're experiencing tension in your back. Or in your chest, Or your jaw, Or somewhere. But you're not actually experiencing tension. You're experiencing a sensation that either continues or releases and repeats. So getting in the habit of experiencing, What am I experiencing now? Because if we pay close attention, It's not a continuity. It's not, I'm experiencing my heart beating. At any given moment, My heart pulls in, My heart pushes out. My heart pulls in, My heart pushes out. At any given moment, I'm breathing in. I'm breathing out. I'm not breathing. I'm in the process. I'm in a moment. And so much of what we do in our mind is labeling, And continuing, And extenuating that out into the future. I'm in tension, We say. Which we mean to say, I'm anxious. Which we then say, I'm anxious about this. Which we might then say, I'm always anxious, Or I'll be anxious until this will be done. Which all of a sudden, We've created a story that we'll try to keep up. That says, I will be tense and activated until something way in the future, Hundreds of thousands of heartbeats away, Potentially, Is completed. Creating continuity long into the future. Wanting to believe that there's a steady story that can be predictable. So see if you can counteract that for one more minute. One more minute that you can sit in not this idea of, I'm breathing, But experiencing the breath. Not that my heart is beating, But that I am feeling a beat. Not that I am tense, But there is a sensation that could disappear in the next moment. And this may be really hard. And before we end the grounding, I want to honor, This isn't necessarily easy. This is about exposing our desire to create a steady story. Because in order to let go of old stories, You have to see how much of a tendency there is to try to create one even in the smallest moments. To understand how much we hold on to the stories of us over months and years and decades. So just take one last moment to reflect on how hard it was to feel a heartbeat without turning it into a process and a story. To feel tension without turning it into a problem to be solved over the next long period. Because it's the same tendency that needs to be worked to in order to let go of the person you used to be. And when you are ready, Go ahead and wiggle your fingers and toes. Feel free to yawn and stretch. And when you are ready, Go ahead and open your eyes. Thank you everyone. And welcome those who joined in the last few minutes. So for those of you who weren't in the very beginning, What we want to talk about today is truly cutting off ties with the person we used to be. And in other aspects, We've looked and said, I no longer want to be shy today. I no longer want to be holding back today. But in today's class, We're letting go of the old stories and actions that we believe are holding on to us. The way we acted in a relationship that we don't enjoy. The things we did that brought us shame. The actions that we're embarrassed about. The way we responded. The way we acted. The everything that you look back when you tell a story and say, I would love to do this, But I'm not that kind of person, Or I don't deserve to, Or haven't done the work to. Because you're pointing to a memory at some point in the past where you acted differently. And we're holding on to the idea that somehow that distant, Distant past impacts our ability to make new choices today. And when we explore that, The reason that I did that grounding is because we want to familiarize ourself that we are always holding on to a story of who we are. A story of the person that we are. And I want to ask everyone to think. I'll give everyone a minute just to think, And then I'll speak to see what answers people have come up. Why? There's got to be a reason. What is the reason that we hold on so desperately to the person that we believe we are? To a concept, To an idea, To a story, To a history, To past experiences? What would lead us to do that? Why would we do it? You don't all have to put in an answer, But I want to give this moment to really think for yourself. What is yours? So there's a couple good reasons, And I'm hoping if anybody has them, Feel free to put in theirs. So starting with NC, Fear of the unknown, The past is safe and familiar. I think the hardest thing to accept for all of us is the bunny ears there. The past is not safe for all of us, But it was familiar. And familiar was predictable, Because if life continues to be the same way that it's always been, Somehow we know that we'll be able to handle it because we have already handled it. We've already done it. We've already been there. If life continues going down the same track with the same patterns, With the same things on repeat, We know we can survive it because we already have been surviving it. We already figured it out. So in these cases, When we're looking at this, I want you to really start thinking before the meditation. What is the reason that I'm holding on to this? What does it give me? What is the purpose that shows up? And here are some examples. We hold on to the past because it makes things easier. How does it make things easier? Because if I know who I am, Then I know what I'm supposed to do. I know how I, Just using the word I loosely and joking each time, How I am supposed to act. And I know how when I act that way, Others respond to me in this way. I can predict it. It is familiar. I can control it. I know what's there. I'm not sure how to respond. Yep, That's Christina Grace, Just but in less thinking. The brain is built that way. And the brain is built that way for a reason. And when done well, When done well, It's actually incredibly helpful because I want you to imagine for a moment what would happen if you woke up tomorrow, Same body, Same faculties, But without any concept of who you are and what you're supposed to do. What time do you get up? Do you get up and go for a walk? Or do you get up and pick up your phone? Do you get up and watch television? Do you get up and you go check on the flowers? Do you even remember you have flowers? Do you get up and kiss your husband or your wife? Or do you get up and look at them glaring? Do you get up and make coffee? Or do you get up and make tea? What shoes do you put on? What kind of day are you going to? And what kind of day is what type of shoes? What clothes do you wear? What kind of person do you want to express? What kind of activities are the things that you do? Someone starts to talk to you. How do you respond? Are you a morning person? Are you not a morning person? Just some examples. There are thousands of decisions every single day that we make easier by having an identity. And the second you wouldn't have an identity, Things would actually become much harder. Truly imagine waking up in the morning and thinking through your routine. And instead of having a routine, Because a routine is an idea of I'm the person who does this, You would question in every single moment, And what now? Do I brush my teeth? Am I the kind of person who half-asses it? Or I'm the kind of person who spends three minutes brushing my teeth? Do I floss? Am I a flosser? Do I put on cologne? Am I that kind of person? Or am I not that kind of person? Is it this kind of day? Is it that kind of day? We have all of these personal shortcuts for who we are and how we respond to the big and the small. And when done well, Which is the important part, When chosen consciously and repeatedly, This is super, Super helpful for us. For instance, I know, I even had 23andMe back this up, I don't process caffeine very well. And every time I drink coffee, My sleep gets impaired. And I don't feel as good. And it ruins me over a period. And I have cycled through that enough times during stressful periods of my life thinking that coffee is going to help that I know pretty firmly, I am not a coffee drinker. Not because coffee is bad, But because I have the gene that means it processes really, Really slowly. And it impacts me drastically. So even knowing something simple, Like I am not a coffee drinker, Helps. But this is where the topics that we want to talk about today come into play. Every major emotional event of our lives creates a story structure, A scaffolding. Sorry for those who are non-native English speakers, But a structure that tells us how we prevent this kind of experience from happening again, Or how we seek out this type of experience to happen again, Or how we become the kind of person this doesn't happen to. And so every major event that we might want to let go of is tied to identity. And so when we get into the meditation, I already want you to start thinking. And I'm coming up on the period for questions and reflecting on this. If you want to let go of, For instance, The person that you ended up with in as a resentful relationship, Or the time when you absolutely blew up on people, Or that you are really shy, Or that you're really angry, Or you're X, Y, And Z, Something, You want to ask yourself, What am I holding on to? What identity does this give me? What does it protect me from? Because it's not just this experience. We hold on to the memory of that experience as the anchor to an identity that we have chosen to try to prevent ourselves from experiencing something again, Or to chase something again. Does this make sense to everyone? And please start putting in questions, Because we'll have about 10 minutes before the meditation. But when you think about it like this, It becomes much easier to say, Every time I want to go and try to be assertive, I go back to these memories of not being assertive in moments that really mattered. And I tell myself, I'm just a scared, Fragile person, Which isn't true. That's a story. But you want to go deeper. You want to ask, What did I choose? What do I believe that being a scared, Fragile person is going to prevent? Because if it's going to prevent standing up to someone who really, Really intimidates you, And feeling small and helpless and overcome, And feeling afraid of danger, There's a reason you keep going back to that memory. If you really want to have a super healthy relationship, But you keep going back to memories of an unhealthy relationship, There's a reason. You made a decision at a certain point, That you can't trust yourself in relationships, That you have to be on the lookout, That certain emotions and certain things can't be trusted. And you're actually the one holding yourself back from that healthy relationship, From that, By continually reminding yourself how it went the last time. So all identity is, Is a chosen set of characteristics, A chosen set of beliefs, A chosen set of things that we are using to try to steer ourselves out of danger and into safety, Out of threat and into acceptance. So when you start looking at the parts of yourself and the memories that you can't, Can't let go of, I want you to start saying, What are the emotional identity anchors that I have put into this memory, That I have put into this thing, That's keeping me from letting go? Because you might be looking back at a moment, You're like, I'd really rather forget this. But if you can't, You've tied it into something that you think is protecting you, That you think is helping you. Does this make sense to everyone? And if it doesn't, And someone's going, I'm lost, Raise your hand and put something in. I'm going to take a moment to make sure that I responded to everyone up top. Amanda, Yeah, Difficulty, Fear of change, The unknown, Not being accepted if I change, Not knowing the steps to change. I don't know how to make things better, But I do know I will not survive if they stay the same. Oh, That's the tricky part. We do know we will survive if they stay the same, Because we already have been. And that's where we find ourselves in the ultimate crossing point. We are in the point where we are stepping into the unknown, The unknown, Which is the least predictable thing. And even if we keep telling ourselves the unknown is better than the known, That's a really hard statement, Because the known might be really, Really scary. The known might be really uncomfortable. The known might be really traumatic, Might even be dangerous. But it's got one benefit. It's known. And I'm still here, I'm still alive, I'm still making it, So I know I can survive the known. I'm not sure I can survive the unknown. And that's the scary in any change, In any letting go, Especially what a lot of people do, Which is, I'm trying to let this part go. And what are you going to replace it with? And that's what we'll examine in the meditation. Because if I'm letting go of being the shy, Held back one, Or not being assertive, Some part of you knows that something is going to happen when that occurs, That you're going to want to be assertive. And something is going to happen when you're assertive where people might get angry, People might get hurt, You might be scared. And you've got to replace that with a new identity and a new practice that works. That's why one, I feel like probably given the age and the structure on here, A significant proportion of you are on Instagram. Go on Instagram someday, I don't really have it at the moment, And look for the trends that are the most successful, The ones that are rising. And I want you to really take a look and say, What do they all have in common? And what they do is instead of just trying to take away an old identity, They give you a new identity. So let's look at the examples that we often talk about. We talk about standing up for yourself, Setting boundaries, Knowing what kind of relationship that you want, Being confident that that's okay, Accepting other people's reactions to that, Building relationships that you want. Ironically, Some of the most successful trends on social media right now around that a couple years ago was main character energy, Which was replacing yourself from being in the background and not being assertive to being the main character in your own life. Really good reframe. You're replacing the identity with I'm the main character, I know how to deal with that. And my personal favorite, I don't know how long this is going on, I just researched it, Is young women are saying that they're entering their villain era, Which is about embracing setting boundaries, Knowing what they like, Knowing what they want, Expressing that cleanly and not caring if other people are reacting poorly to them expressing boundaries. And I love that they're framing it as I'm entering my villain era, Because that's how they feel. They feel like the villain, Because they're supposed to be the good girl. And when they're not, They're being portrayed as the villain. And that's brilliant. That's really, Really effective. So the last point I wanted to put in here before any questions and meditation is to say if you're going to take away something from yourself, What are you going to give yourself? What are you going to give yourself on the other side? Because if you're letting go of the person you were in a last relationship, The scared person at the job, The not being assertive or being the angry one being the bully, Being someone who finds a way to get what they want, Or the rescuer, The person who's always helping the purpose and who's people pleasing. If you're letting that go, What are you going to give yourself? What person are you going to become? Because unfortunately, We're more scared of the unknown than we are the known, Even if the known is awful. We're very, Very scared of the unknown. So the last thing, As we prepare for the meditation that I hope everyone can think about. So to really sum that up is like, What's the thing I'm holding on to? What identity anchors? Because if you've got a memory flashing through your head over and over and over again, Anytime you think of changing, That memory is attached to identity that gives you something. And if you're going to take it away, What else are you going to give yourself? So a couple more minutes in case everyone has questions coming in. We're going to catch the sidebar. Yeah, Holly. I don't have the same stories, Background as everyone else. I don't belong. They'll see I'm different. Yep. I might not like the stories that I've been told, The stories that I've been shown, But if I change the stories, I'm going to be the odd man or woman out. And I don't know how that's going to go. Or I do have an idea of how that's going to go because I'm in an environment that isn't really accepting of a variety of stories and perspectives. So anybody have any last questions before we head into the meditation? Let's get going. If everybody can find a comfortable position, Go ahead and close your eyes. Take a deep, Deep breath. Let it out with a sigh. And take another minute to settle into your body as it is, As it is right now. And then I'd love, If you start thinking or bringing to mind the thing you're hoping to let go of, Whether that's an old story, A dream, An action, A feeling, Something. And remember to keep breathing deeply. And notice if you start to go into a panic. Because there is no ability to do this work from a state of activation. The mind doesn't do renovation work in the middle of a fire. So if even thinking about this as you really activate it, High pulse, High heart rate, Shallow breathing, Put your hands on your stomach. And just start taking deep breaths with slow exhales while keeping it in mind, Which is counteracting the feeling of danger with the feeling of safety. But don't consciously follow my words until you've reached a state where you feel relaxed and curious to move forward. But if thinking about it has only mildly activated you or you're ready to go, I want you to start filling in the blank of the question. The story I've told about myself from this experience is. The story I've told about myself is that I am, Or I am not. It may be one thing. It may be many things. But keep breathing and keep noticing. What is it? What story have you constructed about the world or about you or about others? How many different hooks to start to see how it's hard to let this go? See how many hooks, Anchors are in this to your current story of who you are. Try not to get lost in one if you know there's many. Keep asking. You can frame it in different ways. But just ask yourself. What structure, What stories am I creating about myself? Using this experience. Getting a picture of what letting go of this would mean. Because we might think that letting go of being angry, Or being shy, Being assertive, Being aggressive, Or being scared of intimacy, Or being the kind of person who does x, Y, And z. It's simple. But it never is. What do these stories protect you from? You can ask yourself that question and wait for the deeper and deeper answers. What do these stories protect you from? Do they protect you from being rejected? Do they protect you from abandonment? Do they protect you from failure? Do they protect you from loss? Or grief? Or shame? What do these stories protect you from? And what do they give you? What do they bring you closer to? Does being assertive mean that you get your needs met? Does being shy and passive mean that you get friendship and care because you're not ruffling feathers? What do these identity pieces give you? Do they give you stability? Do they give you a sense of structure? Because if you weren't this, If you let go of this, Who would you choose to be? If you have a full picture now of all the hooks and all the reasons why you're holding on, And you know if you let go, The opposite of those things may be true. You might get rejected, You might have failure, You might have uncertainty, You might have loss. That's a lot. Who would you choose to be that could handle these things that you know are coming? How would you choose to see yourself differently in order to be the kind of person that could handle what is coming? And when you think about that, I want you to go fishing for memories that would confirm that part of you. If you're saying you want to be calm, I'm sure there have been moments where you've been calm. See if you can think of some moments where you've been calm under pressure. If you want to be assertive, I'm sure there are moments where you have been assertive. See if you can call up memories and moments and situations where you were assertive, Or intimate, Or trusting, Or caring. Whatever it is. Try to come up with a memory. That shows you, Equally, That you are the person you want to be. That you can be the person you want to be. Who's capable of handling everything you're currently protecting yourself from. And capable of having any way, Or not needing, The things you're giving yourself. And when you have a memory, Or multiple memories, Just allow yourself to sink into it. Allow yourself to recognize and believe. I am not any one person. I am who I choose to be. And I am not any memory or any specificity. We're cherry picking memories to fit our current identity. But I guarantee you, Anything that you are focusing on, You've been the opposite. You might have been full of hate in one memory, But full of love in another. You might have been a resentful partner in one, But a caring and considerate partner in another. There is no way you haven't been, Before, The person you want to be. You're just telling yourself a story, And focusing on the things that allow you to be someone different right now. So tell yourself a different story. A different set of memories. A different set of beliefs. And prove it to yourself, By looking into your memories and seeing you've already been that person before. If you're discouraged, There are definitely moments in your life where you've had faith. If you're shy, There are moments where you've been outgoing. If you're lost, There are moments where you've been certain. There are moments where you've been motivated, Where you've been proud, Where you've been courageous, Where you've been loving. You're just not focusing on them right now, Because they hadn't fit the narrative. So tell yourself a new narrative. Create a new story, For a new identity, To solve a new set of problems. Now, If this is the most important thing you can do today, And you're in it, You're doing it, Feel free to put this on pause, Mute, And continue for as long as you have the time and energy. Because these are the moments when we change our fate, Our destination, Our destiny. But for us today, Take 30 more seconds. To speak to yourself any realizations you've had today. About the person you're choosing to be, About the reason you chose to be it, And about the person you're going to choose to be, Coming out of this. And the memories you want to use as the anchors, To remind yourself it's possible, It's true, And it's worth it. And then, When you feel ready, Go ahead and wiggle your fingers and toes. Feel free to yawn, Or stretch. And then, When you feel ready, Go ahead and open your eyes. How's everybody feel? Because in the end, If there's a memory you can't let go of, Or haven't let go of, There's anchors. In fact, If it's continually coming up in your mind, You're repeating it. You're using it to reinforce a story. And if you want to tell a new story, There's plenty of memories that contradict that, That make you more resilient, More capable, More possible. And when you pay attention to those versions of you, You remind yourself that you have a new choice in every moment. And if you haven't seen this movie, Or it's been a long time, I do encourage you to go watch the movie Inside Out at some point. Because a major, Major piece of that movie is the memories that become core. The memories that we focus on, That we keep close. Dictate the person that we are. And if you can change those memories, Those stories, To new things, You change. Because you're using them to reinforce an idea of who you are. But you're everything. You're love and you're hate. You're aggressive and you're shy. You're outgoing and you're a wallflower. You've been those things. At many points in your life and every other X and Y, A and B, Up and down. But every time you focus on one of them, You create a clear identity that creates predictability. But if you don't like where it's been predictably leading you, Focus on a different part of you. And let yourself start to become that version of you. So with that, As always, If someone feels called to make a donation, I always appreciate it. But I also would love a follow. Because I love what we're doing here. I love the opportunity. This was more of an experimental class. But as always, If anybody has anything they want to talk about, Want to practice, Anything they want to see, You can let me know here. And any of our lives, You can let me know in the group. But I love you all. I appreciate you all. And I hope to talk to you soon.