How To Stop Replaying Conversations In Your Head

Live Episode Recording - Do you replay conversations in your head, analysing what you said or what you wish you had said?

In this episode, you’ll discover the deeper beliefs keeping those mental loops alive and why trying to force yourself to stop can make them even louder. Come listen and learn how self-acceptance can quiet the inner fight and create space for real change.

Transcript

Why you can't stop replaying conversations in your head. And I prepared a couple of examples because it's not just that you replay conversations in your head when you had an argument. No, No, No, No. There are far more reasons or scenarios where you would do that. I have put together three examples for you. And they are very different. Because I just wanted to give you an indication of maybe this might be you in this scenario, Maybe this might be you in this scenario. But no matter which scenario fits you, Or even if I don't mention your scenario, Just know that it's totally OK. There's no need to blame or shame yourself, And you will soon understand why. So let's start with my first example. And this is an example from one of my students in the second round of the Identity Upgrade Program. And when we start the program, I ask my students, So tell me, Why are you What do you want to get out of it? What is that one situation that is now? And how does it look like after the six weeks in the program? And she said that for her, It's meeting people she barely knows or not at all. And what happens then, She feels like she's not good enough, Not good enough to talk to these people, Not good enough to be around them, Not good enough a conversator not good enough to say anything or nothing. And the action that happens after that feeling is that she withdraws. And then she plays the conversations over and over. So I said to her, Explain this to me, How does it look like? And she said, Even when she doesn't say anything, Even when she just stands in. A group of people and doesn't say anything. She still withdraws and then thinks of what could she have said. How could she contribute it to that conversation? And she does that. When she didn't say anything or even if she says anything, What she does is then she withdraws and goes away or stays there and just becomes very quiet. And in her mind, She placed those conversations, What could she have said, But also what mistakes did she make? By not saying anything, By saying something, By laughing too loud. By laughing too little. So there was also always this scanner of what did I do wrong? End. The belief that she had. Was I'm not good enough. And this was just one situation, But this was the situation where she felt like, This is where I want to improve. But this, I'm not good enough, That belief, That is, Of course, Throughout her life. And that means in every other situation. She only said apart from when she's at work. That's where she feels really confident and trusts herself and trusts her skills, Trusts her intuition. Interesting, Isn't it? But anyway, That's a different topic for a different episode. But for this one, This is where she thought, I'm not good enough. My second example is an example for myself. Yes, A couple of years ago. Now the situation for me at the time was we just moved to China. Ups and downs, We struggled in our relationship. I missed my, Or I lost my fifth pregnancy. I was first time financially dependent. I hated my body for being so incapable of creating life. And this being dependent on, On my partner for the first time in my adult life, It just threw me because pandemic. Yeah. But either way, So I didn't like myself. I hated my body. Body. I was very upset with what I did, How I did it. Everything was just like too much. Nevertheless, So when we had an argument, And we had many arguments, And when I say many, I mean we had probably three or four arguments a week. And to cool off. I went downstairs and I took a walk. And while I was walking, I was replaying this conversation that we had, That argument that we had. And I was always like, Why did he say that? Why did he do that? Why can't he see? And I was looking for ways that he could have said it differently, How he could have majestically just see me as this wonderful person and say, I save you. Your poor little thing, Of course you're right. And you haven't done anything wrong. It's just me. Yeah. And my belief was that, Oh, Poor me. I'm the victim here. So at the time, I have very, Very strong tendencies of I'm the victim. Life is happening to me. And While I was walking, Cooling off, Playing the scenarios, Thinking of how could he now apologize when I come back and he will now see what he did wrong and he will apologize. Big gestures, And of course nothing happened. He didn't do it. Don't even apologize because he didn't see the mistake was on him. He just thought that I was the problem. I overreacted. We've come a long way since then. But at the time, That was when I was going through those conversations in my head over and over because I was looking for that apology. I was looking for him seeing his mistake. I didn't make any mistakes. I was a poor victim. A different scenario, A different example. This one is from a client and just so you know. When I talk about my students, I talk about the people in my identity upgrade program. When I talk about clients, I'm talking about one-on-one client that I coach and work with one-on-one, Face-to-face, Or in person, Or off, Because it doesn't make sense what I just said. But anyway, So this client, She said that often, A couple of times a week, Her husband is commenting her poor organization skills. And then she says, I'm sorry. And she feels bad. And then later in the evening on that day. She replaced the conversations where she would talk back. And I asked her, So how does that talking back look like? What would you say? And she said, I would justify my schedule. I would tell him like, Look, This is all the things that I had to do today. This is what happened. This is what didn't happen. This is what I had to do here. This took so long. So a lot of justification for why she didn't do maybe the thing that he expected her to do. On that day. And She also said that she would also confess her struggles. That she struggled with being in this foreign country here in China and being out of work because she's looking after the three children. And she puts a lot of identity. She sees herself. She identifies herself in her work. And now that has fallen away completely for the last, I think, Four years. And now being in this new country, Having no friends, Now having these relationships that are formed on necessity. Because these are the only people that are here because the Chinese isn't up to scratch to communicate with the Chinese people in a manner that you could build on a friendship. So she sticks with the other expert women. And she said, It's just like, It's a force. It's forced. It's not like, Wow, You're so amazing. I want to be your friend. It's more like, Yeah, The children are in the same kindergarten group or same class at school. And many of you who have children know this. Yeah. They know how it is that you then have this connection with people. Yeah. I wouldn't pick them if it wouldn't be for my child. And she struggled with that particularly, But most particularly because of the work that she identified with and now doesn't have it. So now she's just a housewife, Not seeing all the many things that just a housewife has to do and think of and organize, Et cetera, Et cetera. But nevertheless, Her belief was, I have to do it myself, By myself. So whatever didn't work the way her husband expected it to work, She took it on herself and said, I need to do better. I have to do it. It depends on me. Can't ask him. I have to do it. But in her mind, These conversations were about sharing. Sharing how she felt, Sharing how she struggled. Sharing how much mental load. These organisations. And of course, Her husband wasn't aware because she never talks about it. So expectations are often just like I expect something, Even though I might not even have facts or evidence, Etc. To stay on. And for all three. Including me, What happens, You have that mental load, You have these thoughts, Because you have that belief and maybe you know this. Iceberg. That picture of the iceberg, Where the tip of the iceberg is above the water and underneath is this big chunk that you didn't see. Titanic style. You don't see it, You just crash into it. And on the bottom of this iceberg, There are somewhere your beliefs. And what happens, These beliefs are part of the filter system that's in your brain and your thoughts, Whatever comes up as a thought. And they are not controllable. They just come, But they are filtered through these belief systems. And if you believe, Like I believed, I'm the poor victim. Of course my filter tells me, Shows me, Look, You're the victim. Poor you. Look what they did to you again. Look what they now do to you because you're the victim. The mind goes. What we believe in. This I am statement is part of the filter system as well because I believe that I am the victim. I believe that I am not good enough. I believe that I have to do it by myself. It's all part of that filter system and the thoughts come and that's where the conversations in your head go. And it shows like with a student, When she believed I'm not good enough, The thoughts that came up, It's like, What mistake did I do? What mistakes did I make? What could I have done differently? I believed I was the victim so I looked for the mistakes that he did. Poor me. Look at me. The client who The filter system then came to and said. I want to tell you about my struggles, But no, I can't. I can't. You don't understand. I need to do it by myself. I have to do it by myself. And of course, All of that because the body, Mind, Your energy, Everything is working together. It's not a separate thing. Like closed off. They all work together. They all struggle together. And they all heal together. Yeah, That's the beauty of it. It's a unity, But when you have these beliefs. And when that filter system is set on lag. And those are the thoughts that come out and of course the feelings and then the actions. What happens in your body is most often that you're on high alert. Because I was on higher alert, I was looking for. . . Situations, For people, For reasons that prove to me that I'm the victim. And so did my client who looked then for proof on high alerts like, Oh yeah, I did poorly there as well. I need to fix it myself. I need to struggle through. And of course, That causes a lot of tension in your body. Maybe you're someone who has a lot of tension in their back, Here on the neck. Down the back, The lower back. So these are all, It's a lot of tension and you hold it on. And now. Picture this. You might have these thoughts, These beliefs for a long time. That takes. That means for decades, You might be on this high alert and have this tension in your body, Not constantly. But every now and again, Sometimes longer, Sometimes stronger, Sometimes less. That's a lot of stress on your body and your mind and your energy goes down. It's not just the physical energy for being motivated and doing, It's also the energy with what you attract in your life. You're in an energy of life. And that's what you attract. That's how it works. Now the big question is. . . What do we do? What do we do when this is what happens to us, When these are the thoughts that we have, When this is the behaviour? That we display. And what all of these examples, And there are many, Many examples, Like I said at the beginning, Yeah, There are so many different examples of why you have these conversations in your head, Why you go through them. Could be different reasons, Could be different beliefs. These are just three examples. But what they all have in common and probably if you do that as well. You have that in common with us is that you have that in a fight with yourself. And what I mean by that is. You're fighting yourself, You're at war with yourself, You're not accepting who you are today. The good, The bad and the ugly. You want to be different. Particularly the student who thought like, I'm not good enough. She said, Why can't I be more XYZ? Yeah, Whatever you want to put in there. But she said, Why can't I be more authentic? And I said, Well, The thing is. You are very authentic. Because. In that moment. That is your most authentic self. Because in that moment you are anxious. You do believe that you're not good enough. You do withdraw. That's who you are in that moment. But she thought she needed to be different. Why can't I be more confident? Why can't I stop overthinking? That's what she thought. Where I need to go. That's fair enough, Yeah, We want to get there. But unless. . . You stop that in a war. By acknowledging and accepting that, But today, I'm this anxious, Withdrawing person that looks for mistakes in the words that she chose to use during a conversation. Full stop, No blame, No shame, No, But I don't want to, Or I want to change that. How can I change that? So jumping a couple of steps ahead. That makes it so, So hard because it's so hard to change or rebuild something. When you're at war with yourself. And we know that from all these war movies, Yeah? A lot of distractions is happening. Distractions and demolition is happening, A lot of chaos, And then build something new with a strong foundation. I haven't seen that in a movie. Maybe you have, If so, Tell me, But I haven't seen that in any movie where they build something strong within that war zone. And that's why we want to stop that inner war first. And we're not saying, Oh, This is me. Hands off now. What do you want? This is me. Deal with it. It's not what I'm saying. That's a different thing. What I'm saying is we're accepting in the sense of saying, This is who I am. Full stop. And when you can do that. And your body is calm. The tension is gone. The high alert is calmed down. And of course the judgment comes and your thoughts come and say, But, But, But. Come down, You come back to. This is who I am right now. And then this would come again and then you come back again. Yeah, It's. . . A play that you play for a couple of. Alice? Because you're interrupting a pattern that you got used to and now you're like an apprentice and you're fighting the master. So that's what you do. But stopping that inner war makes it so much easier to then rebuild. Who you are. Deep down, Because that student of mine, She is confident. Because if she wouldn't be confident, She wouldn't be so confident and so sure in her abilities at work. There is confidence, There is self-trust. It's not like, Oh, We have it here and we don't have it here. It's there. But there are different scenarios where it comes out stronger, Sometimes less strong, But it's there. So we can dip into it. That's what we do. Now let's move to me, Poor me, Poor me, Poor me, That inner war. I actually went through a couple of different ideas and I ended up with, Because I said, No, No, It's not that. It's not that I didn't take responsibility for my actions. I could do that. And it's not that I thought, Why is this happening to me? Because it made sense. It was more that I wanted to be put on a pedestal. I wanted my partner to put me on that pedestal. But what I forgot. Because when someone puts you or someone else on a pedestal, This one is like, We need to look after it. We need to polish it. We need to dust it off. And this is like who our treasure. But I didn't treasure myself. Yeah, Remember what the scenarios were, How my life looked like at the time. I destroyed, I was on the, How do you, What's the English word? I was on the path of destroying myself. So that's what I did. Yeah, My body, Mind, They're like useless. Don't eat it, Destroy it. So I didn't put myself on that pedestal, But I wanted someone else. I wanted to be safe because I'm the victim. But I couldn't say it. I was at war with myself. Well, It's like, You need to do that because I can't do it. I can't. And stopping that in a war would be like Yeah. I'm the victim. I want to be saved. Full stop. No explanation needed, No shame, No blame needed. It's just this realization that brings you so much relief. When you can say it, When you can think it. Without that judgment, Without that blame, Without that shame. And it might feel weird, Definitely, Because. . . Maybe you've never done it before, But it's unfamiliar. It's not that it's because it feels weird to say no, No, Then it can't be good. It's unfamiliar. Sometimes we need to familiarize ourselves with a new feeling, With a new thought, With a new belief. So don't put it away too quickly. And for my client, Who thought I have to do it myself, By myself, For her, It meant that asking for help means being weak. That's weakness, And weakness is not acceptable. But. Saying that. She struggled to even say it out loud. Because she immediately went into that mental loop of, But I need to do this, But this is important for my survival. This is how I got to where I am today. This is how I achieved all these career goals, Et cetera. So that was her justification. So why she did what she did, Why she believed in what she believed. She had reasons. She had proof that it was working. But when we looked at her nervous system and her body and how that tension set on her and constantly like fidgety and I need to do something, I can't sit still, I need so this being so vigilant, That's a quite sure sign that your nervous system is on high alert. And when we looked at that, When she became aware that that is playing together, And I sit. Just try, Just say it and see what happens. And she did say it. She. . . Oh yeah, She had such a long beard. It was such a relief, She said. And even though those thoughts came and said, No, No, No, No, Hold on, You need to keep it up. But I told him they would come and that's okay. Can let them go as well. So they come, We let them go. That relief. That was so amazing to her for the first time in a long time. She said it's like dropping the weapons. It's just like, Yeah, Let's have a break. Let's not fight anymore. That's all it is. It starts with this one time. And then you do it again and again and again. It's practice, Yeah, When we want to interrupt a pattern that has been there for many years. And by starting it once, It might feel unfamiliar, It might feel weird, It might feel like, Oh, This is weird. Because what I also have often is that the words that I would use They don't work for everyone. And then I asked my clients or students, Like, What would be the words that you would use that give you relief? Because everyone's so different. We all have different experiences, Hopes, Fears, Beliefs, Et cetera. And words mean different things to every single one of us. And so it might just be the words that you use. That needs a bit tweaking or don't just take the words that you see somewhere on a nice post and that like. Yeah, This feels okay. Maybe you find something that works better for you. A different wording, A softer wording, A stronger wording. Who knows? But it all comes down to stopping that inner war and with doing that, Accepting who you are. And then when we have that quietness, That calmness. And we can stay in it. Without trying to get away because it might feel unfamiliar and because the brain kicks in and says, No, No, You need to do more. It can't be it. It can't be so easy. It can't be this hard, Whatever it is. Yeah. That's pushing it aside again. We sit with it. Your nervous system needs to sit with it because it's stuck here somewhere. And that's why I love to use my energy clearings in my group, Because they help you to just sit and release. Because we can't release something that's in your body with our brains. That's why we together with body, Mind and the energy. So you sit with it. You feel the uncomfortableness. I had a student also in the second round, And she said she sat with this uncomfortable feeling for 20 minutes. I said, Wow, Amazing, Amazing. She said, Yeah, And it's gone. Because that's what happens when you sit with it, When you're not pushing it away. Go through. And it can be released. It's when we're finishing that cycle. So I'm just checking if I told you everything that I've written down that I've prepared for today. Accepting yourself, This is me today. And know why me, Why them, Why he, Why her, Why it. Doesn't matter. We don't need an explanation or justification. Like, This is me. Today with good, The bad and the ugly. Full stop. And like a beautiful side effect of when you start. Accepting yourself when you stop that inner war with yourself. You start to accept other people. And I'm not saying that you drop your standards. I'm not saying that you drop your boundaries. That's not what I'm saying. But you let them be. And you see them for who they are. With time, Of course, The more you practice, It's also taking responsibility for your behavior and having your standards and your boundaries and then saying, Okay, What do I do with this and then you move forward and then you decide what you do with it but you're not in like me in that victim victimhood anymore, Where you then wait for them. To change and make you feel better. You're doing it yourself and not waiting. For to be more confident. To stop believing you're not good enough. You start by saying, This is me today. And that's okay. Today, I'm this anxious person who looks for mistakes she made in every single sentence she spoke. Full stop. I think it sounds. . . Easy, But let me tell you, Because I've been there just about six years ago and what changed for me. Is literally that giving myself permission. It started with because I was fighting myself to stop grieving. I wanted to feel again. I didn't want to be that numb anymore. Mainly due to the miscarriages, Because I didn't grieve and work through the past ones. So this one, The fifth one, That hit me so hard. And after six or nine months, Just like, I want to feel again. I want to be happy again. And this voice came in my head and said, Give yourself permission. Because in my mind I thought I need to finish grieving. In order to be happy. Yeah, This one has to stop, Then this one can happen. But this voice in my head, Just do it. I remember sitting on the balcony, I was like, I give myself permission. To grief. For the rest of my life. When something is triggering me. And that was it. It was just this relief in my body. My shoulder, It was literally like this ton of bricks fell off. I can breathe again and I could smile again and I didn't feel bad for smiling. Like, Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. It's like. And I'm still grieving when there are when sometimes when I talk about the miscarriage or I see a baby or nothing happens at all. It's just like, Yeah. And other times. It's like someone is stabbing me in the heart and the tears come. And I let it happen. Both can exist. I can still grieve. For the rest of my life. And I can be happy. Enjoy life. Be in it. Full time. Both can exist. And that's the same what we do here with stopping that inner fight, Allowing yourself to be who you are today. And then. Moving forward. It doesn't mean you need to change before you move forward. It simply means this is what I give myself permission today to be. And that's it. And tomorrow you might still be that anxious person. But because that inner war has stopped. You will see things differently. Your perspective will change. And with that, Change happens easier. It's like this ripple effect. You do this one thing and then everything slowly falls into place. So that brings me to the end of today's episode.

Reviews

Very insightful, thank you Anna 🙏🏻