Intimacy Vs Routine: Reigniting The Spark

Live Class Recording. Over time, routines can dull the spark in relationships, leaving partners feeling distant or uninspired. Reigniting intimacy involves intentional efforts to bring excitement, passion, and closeness back into the relationship.

Transcript

Today,

We'll talk about intimacy versus routine,

Reigniting the spark.

And to start with,

I don't know if you know this,

But there are different kinds of intimacy.

I remember when I grew up,

You got asked,

Are you intimate?

And that was the equivalent to being sexually active.

So have you had intercourse yet?

That was the intimacy that I grew up with.

Now,

I know better that there are different kinds of intimacy and they all play together,

But some are stronger in a relationship and some are less strong.

So these different kinds are the physical intimacy,

Which falls then under the sexual as well.

So sexual intimacy is part of the physical intimacy.

And physical intimacy is the kissing,

The hugging,

The sitting close to each other,

The looking into each other's eyes,

Everything that has to do with physical touch or attention.

And then we have the emotional intimacy.

The emotional intimacy is amazing when you feel the trust in your partner to be who you are,

To share your ideas,

Your thoughts,

Your worries,

Your fears,

And you feel understood and you feel heard and accepted.

Vice versa,

Of course.

Then we have the intellectual intimacy.

That is usually when you're higher academic or when you have something that you are into,

Like it could be astrology.

It could be reading books.

It could be physics.

It could be anything that is more based on working with your mind.

And then we have the social intimacy.

That is part are like when you go out with friends,

Feeling comfortable being with your partner,

With other people,

Letting them go alone,

You go alone,

But also interacting and going on holiday where other people are.

So it's usually and there are different names out there.

So don't pinpoint me on that one.

But they're usually it's usually with other people around and being out somewhere round about.

And then we have the spiritual intimacy,

Which is about spirituality.

It can be religion.

It can be any other kind of belief that you share together.

And today we focus on emotional and physical intimacy.

So stuck in a routine because I've yeah,

Here is my my preparation.

The thing with the routine is I hear this often when I work with couples that they say,

Oh,

It's normal.

We have been together for 10,

15,

20 years.

It's normal that the routine has taken over and there isn't much physical intimacy,

No sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy doesn't even count anymore.

So they say say to me that this is normal.

And the thing is,

I know I've been taught that it's normal that a relationship after two years,

Everything is just getting comfortable and no effort and you just have less sex.

You have less talks.

Everything just becomes less,

Particularly when there are children.

Everything everything else takes over.

So we believe that this is normal.

It's normal that the intimacy.

Gets the backseat and the routine takes over and often couples say we feel comfortable,

We don't need to talk to each other anymore because we feel comfortable in the silence and that might be the case.

On the other hand,

It can also be this justification for I have nothing to say.

What should I say?

I don't feel understood.

I don't feel hurt.

So you get in this.

Justification in your mind that it is OK if I don't talk to my partner.

This is what couples do.

This is the new normal.

So.

Yeah,

It's an expectation that the relationship gets less exciting over time,

Particularly physically.

And that's not true.

I give you the reasons why later,

But let me first introduce you to some ideas of how it might look like that the routine has taken over.

And the one example could be that you spend most evenings scrolling on your phones rather than engaging.

And I have this particular picture in mind that you sit next to each other,

Maybe with some distance in between,

And each of you is just scrolling through the phone,

Tablet,

Watching telly,

And there is no communication.

And that happens every day or most of the days.

What doesn't happen is that you engage with each other because intimacy could also be that you do that,

But you then share with each other.

Oh,

Look at this.

What do you think about this?

Or you share your thoughts,

Your ideas about what you see and engage in that way.

But if you don't do that,

If it's just like being together and yet alone.

That's when the routine might have taken over.

Another example is physical intimacy feels like an obligation rather than an exciting connection.

And let's say here we talk about sexual intimacy that I see that with many couples that they say the sexual intimacy,

It's not exciting anymore.

And the wife knows if the husband comes and gives her a kiss on the neck or he wants sex or now this is what you want.

And then all the excitement or non excitement,

It's gone.

Everything is gone.

There is this thought process of when he wants intimacy,

Sexual intimacy.

This is what he does.

And this is always the same.

And that's not stimulating.

And what I've noticed over the years is what often lacks when you're in a long term relationship is the foreplay.

And I'm not talking about the foreplay in bed when you're on it.

I want to be careful what I say here.

Don't want inside timer to cut me off.

So that's why I'm trying to use words that are correct.

So in bed doing the physical active foreplay,

What I'm talking about is the foreplay that you have in between.

And that could be like giving compliments that you get the feeling that you are wanted and not just with now I get the kiss.

Now he wants sex.

That's what the routine is.

But you probably want to feel wanted throughout.

And what have I written down here?

Your body has changed.

And I'm a bit confused here because you don't like the things you like 10 years ago.

Yes.

When you got together,

Everything was exciting.

You still were in this in love phase and you had that sexual intimacy and it was exciting and new and you overlooked many things.

But with time when you don't get satisfied with your sexual needs,

The thing is,

Why would you do something that you don't enjoy?

So many of my clients,

At least they tell me that they don't enjoy sexual intimacy because it's always the same.

They don't get their share and there is no foreplay.

There is no feeling wanted,

Feeling sexy,

Feeling like,

Yeah,

I'm the woman and my man desires me or however the constellation is.

And that's why they don't want to do it anymore.

So that could be a sign.

Another example is that the date nights are rare and when they happen,

They feel predictable and unexciting.

So that means that you might not even have date nights.

And when you do have date nights,

You talk about your job,

You talk about the children,

If you have any,

Or you talk about things that bother you,

But it's nothing where you talk about yourself and what's going on with you and definitely not about what's going on between the two of you as a couple.

Yes.

So the date nights and they are important for the emotional intimacy because with that you build the trust,

You build the connection.

And often what happens is that the emotional intimacy fades away and then comes the physical intimacy and then comes the sexual intimacy.

So it's like the other way around.

So it's these three or the two physical and emotional intimacy,

They are strongly connected.

Bear that in mind.

And if you don't change,

If you just keep telling yourself,

This is normal in my relationship,

That we are together now for this many years and this is okay.

And also use the justification or excuse like,

Oh,

Life has taken over.

There is no time.

I'm too exhausted.

If you continue doing that,

It will break your relationship in one way or another.

It doesn't mean that your partner or you are cheating.

It could just simply mean that you live next to each other,

But not together.

And that makes you very unhappy.

And that can lead to resentment so that you start with resenting your partner.

And then we have this typical example of they are chewing too loud.

They are breathing and everything annoys you about them.

Or they are annoyed about everything you do or say.

It could also mean that the boredom replaces the excitement.

And when you're very bored,

I don't know how about you,

But when I'm very bored,

I look around and I want to remove myself from the situation.

So think about that.

And if you change,

Of course,

There are ways that you can bring back the excitement and the closeness.

And you might even fall back in love again.

Because often we also believe that this being in love is just something for the beginning.

And I have to say,

I'm with my partner now for almost eight years.

And there are phases where I'm in love with him.

And it's the love is there.

It's like that is the basis,

The foundation.

And then there is this in love,

Not constantly all the time.

There are ups and downs.

But there are phases where I can say,

Oh,

My God,

I'm in love with you because I feel giggly.

I feel like,

Oh,

He's coming home,

Stuff like that.

And that can happen.

It's not just a thing for the beginning of the relationship.

And you can also build stronger physical and emotional connection,

Which is important,

Because if that's the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with,

It's good to have that.

And a deeper appreciation for each other.

That's always a good thing.

Now,

Let's move to the practical steps.

What can you do to rebuild that emotional or physical connection?

And the first thing that I've written down is schedule weekly date nights with surprise elements.

Now,

Whatever that surprise may be,

It could be that you say one week you decide where you go the other week your partner decides or that you order something you've never had before.

It's really up to you or that you just go for a walk after dinner.

If you eat at home,

You say we want to save money.

No problem at all.

And then you go for a walk after dinner and have that emotional connection by talking,

By being away from distractions.

And you could also do when you do the date nights without the surprise,

But having just the date night at home or wherever that you set a rule not to talk about the kids,

The job,

But only you two,

Where you check in with each other,

Where you ask,

How do you feel in this relationship?

What do you need for me as a partner?

What are you missing?

And see what the other person needs,

Where they are in this relationship.

And important when you do that is that you don't judge yourself or your partner,

Because this is just a sharing and you want to work towards a more fulfilled relationship together.

You don't want to judge or feel like you need to judge yourself because your partner isn't happy,

But they need to tell you,

You need to tell them in order to start a change.

The other thing you could do is explore new hobbies and adventure together.

That can as well,

Like I mentioned before,

Go for a walk after dinner.

If you've never done that before,

Or go for a morning walk on the weekend.

It's little things.

The important part is that you spend time together and have time to explore,

Experience something new,

Just the two of you and where you can talk about yourself,

Listen to your partner and talk about you as a couple.

That's what we want to achieve here.

And when it comes to sexual intimacy,

The question is,

What do you want?

Because like I said before,

Your body has changed.

Your needs have changed.

You have a different life now,

Probably as at the beginning of your relationship.

So what do you need now to be sexually satisfied?

If you don't know,

Start somewhere.

The first thing that pops into your head or watch a couple of videos and see what might you like and talk to your partner about it,

Particularly when it comes to that foreplay that I described to being wanted,

Seeing that they want you every day and not just in that moment.

And when it comes to the physical intimacy,

What I would suggest is kissing,

Kissing and hugging,

Kiss goodbye,

Kiss good morning,

Kiss good night,

Kiss hello.

And I had a couple where they did that,

But the connection was still gone.

So I suggested that's become a routine.

Let's leave it there.

But add a hug because hug is good for your body,

For your soul,

For your emotion.

Hug your partner for 10 to 15,

Maybe 20 seconds to give it that connection again.

And try to see where it takes you when you're so close to each other,

Because chances are if the routine has taken over that you haven't done that for a long time.

So go back and do it.

And that brings me to the end of my lecture today.