Let's talk about trust concerns,
Insecurities,
And the big question is how do your insecurities impact your relationship?
And this is a very important point because what you do with your insecurities is you project them onto your partner's behavior and into your relationship.
So it's projection.
But how does it look like?
How do these insecurities look like?
And they might be very familiar to you or you've seen it in the past in yourself,
Maybe in your partner,
Previous partner,
Friends,
But I'm pretty sure I'm not telling you anything new here today.
So the first one is jealousy.
And that means that you're jealous when your partner interacts maybe with someone else,
Not just another woman or another man,
Depending on how the constellation is and what they prefer,
But with people in general,
Or when they spending more time with someone else,
With their family,
With their friends,
With their coworkers,
At work,
That creates jealousy.
So jealousy is a very big one.
And you project that jealousy onto your partner.
The other one is the need for reassurance that you need to know that they are committed to your relationship,
That they are committed to you,
That they want you,
That they think you are beautiful,
That they think that you are the best that ever happened to them,
Whatever it is that you feel,
But it's this,
I need to hear it and I need to hear it often.
And what often happens is that we have an idea of how that looks like,
How we want to be reassured.
And if we don't get the reassurance in that particular way,
We question it.
And then we come back to jealousy,
Like what's going on?
You don't show me that reassurance.
You don't tell me that I'm pretty,
But you tell your sister,
Maybe even that's possible.
And then you get jealous of the sister.
Another way it can show up or how this projection looks like is comparison.
We humans are designed to compare,
We're designed to judge.
That's important for our survival.
So it's nothing bad,
But it depends on the level of comparison.
When you start comparing yourself to anyone else,
To who your partner talks to,
To your friends,
Comparing your looks,
Comparing your income,
Comparing what you have,
Comparing your relationship,
Comparing with the neighbor,
How pretty is your garden,
Etc.
That all comes into your relationship.
So what did I write you down?
Comparing yourself to others,
Comparing your relationship to other relationships and comparing your partner's behavior to other partners behaviors.
So we do that quite nicely when we are with our girlfriends and we talk about our partners and what happened,
What they did,
What they didn't do.
And then we compare.
And if we go through our belief system and we say,
Oh yes,
My partner did something great here.
Amazing.
Tick the box.
We love that.
Then we're fine.
But if we go through our belief system and it didn't come up to that level where we supposed or where we think he should be,
I was like,
This is not good.
This is bad.
We project again our insecurities.
What has gone wrong?
When did it go wrong?
Why aren't they the way we want them to be?
That's a big one.
The question.
Why?
Why do you do this?
Why do you have to talk to that person?
Why can't you show me you love me more often?
Why can't you show me in this way?
Or when you compare,
Why do you do that?
My friend's partner,
Husband,
Etc.
They do that.
Why can't you do that?
So this big,
Big question,
Why?
We come back to that later when we talk about what can you do about it.
But what happens when you project is you blame.
You usually fall into the trap of blaming your partner for their behavior.
And it's just because you feel insecure.
So because you don't tell yourself,
Because we usually don't do that.
We don't go around and say,
Oh my God,
I'm so insecure.
And that's why I'm doing this.
That's why I'm now having a drama attack.
Or that's why I'm now shouting,
Crying,
Feel unloved,
Etc.
We are usually not at that awareness point.
So that's why we then blame our partner for their behavior,
Because that's easier.
It's always easier to blame someone else for their behavior instead of looking into into the mirror and say,
OK,
What did I do?
Where do I play?
What do I play?
What role do I play in this game?
It's easier.
So I want to give you a reflective question.
Where do I project my insecurities onto my partner?
Think about it.
And it's sometimes it's it's little things.
It doesn't have to be a big drama and you get jealous,
You shout,
You have an argument,
Etc.
It can be really little things that out of the blue,
It's like a mood swing,
A mood change,
Like what happened?
What did they do?
What did you feel?
What did you think?
Where did your insecurities come in that you judged their behavior and it didn't measure up to your beliefs?
And that's why you showed when you projected your insecurities.
So again,
Where do I project my insecurities onto my partner?
Now what can you do?
And the first point I've written down is accept yourself.
And I'm on purpose not saying love yourself because two reasons.
First,
Love looks different to everyone.
So what I call love looks different to you.
And on the other hand,
If you call love what you have with your partner,
And that's act with insecurities,
With the need for reassurance,
Comparison,
Jealousy,
Projection of your insecurities,
If that's love to you.
When I talk about self-love,
There might be a big chunk of how you think love is for your partner and you.
That's how you love yourself.
And that means if you have a lot of insecurities in your relationship,
You bring those insecurities into the self-love.
And that's why self-love,
Big word,
Not a big fan of it.
My big thing is self-acceptance.
And what I mean by that is that you just accept the good,
The bad,
And the ugly that is you.
It's like,
Yeah,
I'm a bitch.
Yes,
I'm a lover.
I'm amazing.
Yes,
I make mistakes.
It doesn't mean that you don't do anything about it.
It doesn't mean you don't improve.
It doesn't mean you don't change.
It doesn't mean you just let in.
It just means that you accept the here and now.
This is now and it's okay.
And now we move forward in the way we want to,
Towards the goal that we want to.
So self-acceptance,
And I see that with my clients so often,
As soon as we go into self-acceptance,
It turns the relationship around because what happens is the pressure falls off.
That brings me to the third point that I've written down.
Don't stop being jealous or don't stop feel the need to be reassured.
Don't stop to compare,
But rather become aware that you're doing it.
Because what you do is you try so hard to stop being jealous.
You try so hard to feel more secure with yourself,
In yourself.
You try so hard to stop doing all these behaviors that don't help you and don't help your relationship that you constantly feel pressured.
Thank you for the hearts.
Hi,
Michelle,
Welcome.
So that constant pressure doesn't help you.
That doesn't,
It pushes you.
Yes.
It's like this little inner critic that pushes you,
That gives you the short term goals and results,
But in the long run,
You're constantly in that drama in your head in,
In,
Oh my God,
I've done this again.
Oh my God,
I shouldn't do that.
Oh my God.
And it doesn't help you.
So I want to encourage you to become aware when you do it,
To just say,
Okay,
I'm jealous now.
What insecurity comes up now?
What,
What happened here?
What triggered it just get pushed,
Pressed that I feel jealous,
Become aware of it and accept it like,
Oh my God,
Yeah.
This is today.
I feel very insecure for whatever reason.
I have that.
It's like today is the day where I feel very insecure,
Where I need a lot of reassurance tomorrow might be different,
But today that's what it is.
And it's okay.
I accept it.
Don't stop pushing it away because what happens is like with everything,
With every feeling,
With everything that you're trying to push away,
That you try,
That you try not to have is I always like to imagine it's like this little puppet here now,
And then you push it away and it goes away and then it comes from behind.
And while it's behind you,
It's bulking up with all these muscles and it gets bigger and broader and heavier and stronger.
And then it comes and knocks you in the face like,
Here I am,
I'm back.
And you try to push it away again and it comes back.
So stop,
Don't stop pushing it away,
Accept it,
Just become aware this is what I'm doing and talk to your partner.
That's my third point.
Talk to your partner openly about what's going on about your insecurities.
And you might think that,
Oh,
They might not love me as much anymore,
Or they might see me in a different light.
That's okay.
Become aware that you have these insecurities,
That you have these beliefs that if you show who you are with all your insecurities,
With the good,
The bad,
The ugly,
That your partner might think different of you.
But the thing is,
You'd never know what that different might mean and how that looks like for your partner.
So what can you do?
I want to hand it over to you.
This is the end of my lecture for today.
