I used to believe that I didn't have feelings.
It didn't matter that things could happen and I wouldn't be rattled then.
I simply didn't care.
But hundreds of hours of therapy and thousands of hours of meditation and introspection later,
I realized that that was a dissociative response,
A protective factor,
Something I was doing to keep myself safe.
Very early on significant things happened and time I wasn't.
Supported through the process,
The process of overwhelm,
The process of dealing with the grief,
The process of dealing with the terrible things happening.
So what do you do?
You block off.
You.
.
.
Say to yourself,
It doesn't matter.
You put yourself into a little box and survive.
And it works.
And it works so well that every time something else comes up,
You do it again and again and again because,
Well,
It worked in the past.
He caused you to survive,
So you do it again.
I felt rejected.
I felt overwhelmed by emotion,
So I blocked it off.
But then that's it.
Decision,
That choice,
That response.
Manifested down the line.
I became afraid of connecting.
I connect too deeply and if that's pulled away or something changes,
I can't deal with the pain.
So I block it off.
Or I never connected deeply in the first place.
Safer that way.
This is one of the many defense mechanisms that can arise.
It's the one that for whatever reason.
.
.
My mind,
My body chose when I was in a state of overwhelm.
We fall into behavioral responses,
Embodied responses.
The body keeps the score.
Fight,
Flight,
Freeze,
Fawn,
Or fantasy.
Do what we need to do to survive.
And then we continue to do it,
Even when that response is no longer necessary.
Or no longer really viable.
In my life now.
It's not good that I.
.
.
Innately reject.
It's not good that I will block off and dissociate.
And yet that's the default response.
But I believe in a three-step approach,
A three-step paradigm to healing.
Awareness,
Acceptance,
Action.
I become aware of these feelings,
This feeling of rejection,
Of grief,
Of the idea of I don't matter.
I accept it.
I don't have to like it,
But I accept it.
It is what is arising.
And I can take action,
Therapy,
Meditation,
But even just the light of awareness upon that will cause it to change.
How can it not?
It's like,
Oh,
I feel those feelings coming up.
Rather than pushing them aside,
I allow them.
For a minute,
For two minutes,
For 10 minutes daily.
And simply just be with it,
Not push it down any further.
I wish you the same level of insight and healing.
