Well,
Hello there.
My name is Terry Cole.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist.
I'm the author of Boundary Boss and Too Much and a new book coming out called Father Wound.
And today I'm answering the question about why you feel guilty.
For setting boundaries.
So if you do feel guilty for setting boundaries,
First of all,
Know that you are not alone.
Now first establish what are boundaries.
According to me,
I want you to think about your boundaries as your own personal rules of engagement that just let other people know what's okay with you and what is not okay with you.
And guilt is one of the most common reasons that people don't set boundaries.
You might believe that drawing boundaries or making a boundary request is selfish or wrong,
Especially if this was the behavior that was modeled for you in your childhood.
Or you may have been raised and praised for being a self-abandoning codependent like many of us.
If you grew up putting everyone else first and you got accolades for doing that,
You got social reinforcement for doing that,
Then putting yourself first will not really come naturally to you and might feel really uncomfortable.
So let's dig a little bit deeper because there might be more to the story.
When you say you feel guilty for setting a boundary,
I want you to really think,
Are you ready?
Really feeling guilt or is it more feeling fear?
Are you afraid that they're going to be mad?
Are you afraid that they're going to withdraw from you or end the relationship?
Are you afraid that they're going to think you are self-assured,
Self-centered.
Are you afraid of being abandoned?
In my younger life,
Personally,
I often mix these two things up.
I would feel guilty or think I was feeling guilty,
But really what I was feeling was fear.
Fear of rejection.
I was such a people pleaser in my youth that I was so afraid if anyone was going to be mad at me.
And I just didn't want to deal with it.
I didn't know how.
I didn't have the language.
So fear of rejection,
Disappointment,
Or retaliation,
These things become very common boundary blocks.
So if you identify as an empath or a highly sensitive person,
Which I know many people on this platform do,
And I most definitely am,
Both of those things,
It can really be terrifying.
To start setting boundaries because we deeply feel and experience the other person's disappointment or their anger or whatever it is.
So I have to be honest and say,
If you're a super empath,
This boundary setting experience hits different for people like us,
But avoiding it also has a high cost.
Because to avoid it,
A lot of times we have to self-abandon or self-sabotage.
We people please because we want to have good relationships,
But you can't self-abandon your way to a good relationship.
That is not how they're built,
Because then the person doesn't even really know you,
Right?
As we self-abandon,
We also build up resentment for ourselves and for other people.
What are we going to do?
We're going to question the guilt.
Really look at was it wrong for you to prioritize something that you needed.
Right?
Dial back to your original intention.
Why are you trying to attempt to set this boundary in the first place?
Most of the time we set boundaries to protect ourselves and our relationships,
Which is not something we need to feel guilty about.
It is a really healthy thing to do.
So I want to leave you with this thought.
As long as your heart is in the right place,
Meaning you're setting a boundary to protect yourself,
Your self-esteem,
Your dignity,
And you're not setting a boundary as a means of controlling someone else,
Then your side of the street is perfectly clean.
And it can really help to remember this when and if the guilt starts creeping in.
So I hope that this was helpful.
And as always,
Take care of you.
