Boundary Offenses

Welcome to Day 3 of the 10-Day Boundary Challenge. Your body is constantly sending you signals. Whether it is that gut feeling, heart racing, or even a headache, your body’s reactions hold the answers to your mind’s questions. Today’s session focuses on how your body alerts you when someone crosses your boundaries.

Transcript

Well,

Hello and welcome to day three of the Boundaries Challenge.

I'm your host,

Terri Cole.

I'm a licensed psychotherapist,

A relationship expert,

And the author of Boundary Boss.

I just want to say thank you so much for joining me on this journey and caring about yourself enough to invest in your own personal evolution.

That takes a huge amount of courage,

And I really hope that you are proud of yourself.

Seriously,

It is amazing,

And you are to be commended for doing it.

All right,

So yesterday we talked about boundary myths,

And today we're covering boundary violations or when someone crosses your boundary.

So what does it look like when a boundary is crossed?

What is a boundary violation?

It can be when someone is standing too close to you.

It can be someone going into your phone and reading your text messages without your permission.

It could be someone making you feel bad or guilty for saying no to something that they asked you to do,

Or them asking you over and over again,

Even though you've already said no.

People who try to wear down your no.

Those are all boundary violations.

So when it comes to identifying when a boundary has been crossed and when it's time for you to say something,

It can be tempting to intellectualize the crap out of an entire interaction.

We can start ruminating.

We can start rationalizing or questioning,

And this can create more confusion than clarity.

And the confusion really makes sense if you think about it,

Right?

Especially when you consider the messaging that so many of us received since childhood,

Like,

Don't be a troublemaker,

Or don't be dramatic,

Or my favorite,

If you don't have anything nice to say,

Don't say anything at all.

Which of course is terrible advice,

But that is very popular to say to children.

Being socialized,

Basically to second guess our lived experiences and our feelings,

Sadly is more the rule than the exception.

So if this is confusing to you,

Then you are in the right place.

So let's talk about possible signs that a boundary has been crossed.

You're going to have physical sensations,

And you're going to have emotional sensations.

So physical sensations can look like or feel like constriction in your chest.

You might have a pain in your throat.

You might freeze up.

Your muscles can get tense.

You could get a headache or have a pain in your gut.

Your heartbeat might get accelerated.

You might get sweaty palms or sweaty armpits.

The emotional sensations,

You might feel resentment.

You might suddenly feel annoyed or irritated.

You might have a desire to flee.

Something might feel quote unquote off,

But you can't really put your finger on exactly what it is.

Maybe a sudden surge of anger or frustration.

You might feel burned out,

Or you might feel like you want to cry.

And I'm sure there are more.

I just picked the top ones that I know of.

So I want you to take a second right now.

You can gently close your eyes if you're somewhere where you can do that.

And just think about these boundary crossing examples.

Like I want you to really visualize it and visualize what happens in your body.

The moment someone makes a rude or offensive comment to you.

When someone asks you to do something that you've already said no to,

But they ask you again.

When someone massages your shoulders or your back without your consent.

When someone is 20 minutes late to dinner again with no notice.

Those are all examples of boundary violations of different kinds.

So what was the response in your body?

Did you feel a constriction or a tightness?

Your chest,

Your stomach,

Your throat?

Does your head start to hurt?

Maybe your cheeks flush.

You might even feel like you need to physically sort of cringe away from the other person.

You could go into fight,

Flight,

Freeze,

Or fawn reaction.

The body always knows.

So if you're unsure,

If a boundary has been crossed,

You can do a body scan,

Check in with how you're feeling,

And then check your resentment.

Because if you feel resentful about it,

That can be a red flag that a boundary has been crossed or that a need is going unmet.

The more you understand and honor the gems of wisdom from your brilliant body,

The easier it will be to know where you need to establish a boundary by setting a limit or making your preferences clearly known.

So let's dive into today's mindful action,

Which is to think of the last time you felt that flash of resentment.

And now I want you to take a few minutes to journal who it was with,

What boundary was violated or what need was unmet in you,

How the resentment showed up in your body,

And what emotions you felt.

I'm going to say that one more time so that you get it.

Think about the last time that you felt resentful.

Now I want you to journal about who it was with,

What boundary was violated or what need was unmet,

And how the resentment showed up in your body and what emotions you felt.

We're going to be journaling together now for about three minutes.

I'll keep my eye on the timer and I'll let you know when it's time to stop.

Okay,

Please finish up what you're writing.

And let's check in.

How are you feeling right now after writing about boundary violations and resentment?

What came up for you?

Were there any aha moments?

Did you learn anything about yourself?

Please share in the comments and a friendly reminder that between now and our next session together please listen to your boundary meditation,

Which you'll find on my profile.

I will see you tomorrow when we'll be talking about boundary bullies because I think it's safe to say that we all know a few of them.

Reviews

I loved this. I could certainly visualize about many people who cross my boundaries. And I got clear visualizations of what happens to my body and where in my body it forms. I can be aware now when the negative emotions start up and that need not ignore them. I can be aware now and take care of myself first. Instead of feeling like crap.

Great way to acknowledge a boundary violation - and how it’s showing up in my life. Through this practice I learned that I have some healing that needs to be done. It also reaffirms that we are not our emotions. Thank you 🙏🏽

Oh wow so good! I found out that even if somebody cross my boundary etc if i say i dont have energy to talk or need a pause and they keep on talking or interrupt my pause I just continue to go on their needs and skip myself completely.

Or another one, that my mom can sometimes invest or engage too much in me and my partners relationship. I have told her i will ask for help if i need so, and that this is between me and my partner. But she is very unaware and go ocer different boundaries again and again.

Thank you SO MUCH!! This is huge!
Love
Clara

After listening to this track, I realize I am completely unaware of my bodily reactions. I could only identify my emotional reactions to a boundary offense. Is this the way some people are wired? Is this a sign that I need to do some physical work like a body scan?
I am very appreciative of this eye-opening course. Thank you.

this talk was so helpful. I either feel the sensation around my heart or in my throat. I feel like my throat is a fear of speaking up… Which is sometimes hard for me to do around certain people.

I also related to when you said, sometimes with another person I simply noticed somethings off. that was helpful too. Because I put so much pressure on myself to know what’s off. And knowing that something is off is enough.
🌞✨🌞✨🌞✨🌞✨🌞✨🌞

Amazing. The only thing i feel is not knowing what to do with thr emotions and how to tell another of the impact on me from violation. Worst is feeling powerless. As its not my place to say as its between my two daughters but feeling i havd said this and experienced it many times and nos showing up with eldest daugther doing it to youngest. And dismissing the feelings of anothers anger over it. Feels doubly frustrating- any advise? I dont know how many times I’ve discussed this permission asking with belongings. Thank you

Very helpful when you always question yourself before you do others…

Oh my! Made me cry again! So much work to be done, new friends tofind

This was so helpful in recognizing how much guilt I hold in my heart and how negatively it affects me. This is all from boundaries that are constantly being pushed. Please let me know how to access all of these boundary sessions 🙏

Great. I’m going to love boundaries by the time these 10 days are up!

My aha was that I've allowed some of this behavior from others. I have control over this if I choose.

Journaling your thoughts on a boundary infringement really help me to express my emotions and feel better by allowing my self time to hear what I felt.
Teri has a simple approach which gives you clarity healing you to look after yourself in a compassionate way.
Thank you Terri

Realized how uncomfortable I feel when I am unable to give everyone what they need.

Amazing! Thank you Terry

Great help for me, thank you

Day 3 was insightful, because it brought both my bodily and emotional experience of a recent situation to full consciousness, highlighting just how stressful a seemingly minor boundary violation can be. Thank you for this exercise in awareness. 🙏

Help on my journey

Sis learning so much about my body and how it was signaling that a boundary was crossed. I had no idea before.

Ahhhmazing thanks 🙏

Thank you so much for this challenge. Every step/day helps already. 🙏