Boundary Myths

Welcome to Day 2 of the 10-Day Boundary Challenge. Do you ever worry about how you will be perceived if you speak up, express a limit, disagree, or simply say, no? Do you fear being misunderstood or labeled a drama queen, moody, or selfish? In today’s session, we’ll cover the top boundary myths that might be keeping you stuck in an old familiar boundary pattern.

Transcript

Well,

Hello and welcome to day two of the Boundaries Challenge.

I'm your host,

Terry Cole.

I'm a licensed psychotherapist,

A relationship expert,

And the author of Boundary Boss.

And I am so incredibly grateful that you are back here with me for day two of the Boundaries Challenge.

Yesterday,

We talked about why boundaries are so hard to set.

And today we're talking about boundary myths.

Do you ever worry about how you'll be perceived if you speak up,

If you express a limit,

If you disagree with someone,

Or if you simply say no?

For years,

My clients and students have told me that they fear being misunderstood or labeled a drama queen,

Difficult,

High maintenance,

Hysterical,

Moody,

Hormonal,

Mean,

Or selfish,

Among many other things.

Many of us were raised to be the good girl or the good boy,

And above all else,

To be nice,

Quote unquote.

And saying no or stating our actual preferences can feel like we're being self-absorbed or controlling or mean.

So let's check out the top boundary myths that might be keeping you stuck in an old,

Familiar boundary pattern.

Because the more you know,

The easier it is to make changes.

Grab your journal and jot down which of these myths speaks to you.

So first myth is that boundaries push people away.

And the truth is that boundaries being clear and concise about your boundaries,

Your preferences,

Your deal-breakers,

That actually deepens the intimacy and authenticity in your relationships.

The second myth is that boundaries make you selfish.

Not true.

Setting boundaries makes you kind,

Thoughtful,

And generous.

Because in a way,

It's easier to not do it,

But that leads you to being misunderstood.

The third myth is setting boundaries requires you to be mean.

So let's really get into this one.

Actually setting boundaries is loving and kind.

It's letting the people that you love and others actually know who you are.

When you think about it,

Having disordered boundaries is like saying yes when you really want to say no under the guise of trying to be nice,

Quote unquote.

And really,

That's not nice at all.

It's misleading to the other person.

The next boundary myth is that boundaries require too much time.

And this one could not be further from the truth.

Because think about the many boundary disasters you may have in your past.

That is the gift that just keeps taking not healthy boundaries.

Because you could spend a lifetime trying to clean up past boundary disasters.

Where when you learn to set clear and concise boundaries,

You don't have to worry about the past because you've handled it in the present.

The next myth is that setting boundaries requires you to say no all the time.

Like just going around shutting people down saying no,

No,

No.

That is not true because boundaries are not all about saying no.

They're also about asserting your preferences,

Your desires.

And remember,

Every no to something that you really don't want to do is a potential yes to something that you do.

One of the biggest myths around boundaries is that real love needs no boundaries.

Intimate relationships don't need boundaries.

Like if that person is your soulmate,

You don't need boundaries.

That is categorically untrue.

Healthy love is boundaried love period.

Because love without boundaries is really just basic codependency.

And then the last myth is that people will like you less if you set boundaries.

And hey,

This might be true because maybe the people who benefited the most from you having no good boundaries won't like the fact that you are asserting yourself now.

But honestly,

Most others will appreciate you being honest about how you feel,

What you think,

And what you want.

And did you notice that all of those boundary myths are driven by fear based thinking?

So why is it so scary to assert healthy boundaries?

So much of the time it comes back to plain old fear of rejection,

Abandonment,

Or fear of conflict.

Be rest assured though that none of those experiences is fatal.

And that the more you can exercise expressing your preferences,

Your desires,

Your limits,

And your deal breakers,

Which are your boundaries,

The more you will reap the rewards and the less threatening it will feel.

So now let's dive into today's daily mindful action.

We're going to take a few minutes to journal right now about fears,

Myths,

Right?

That you have around asserting boundaries right now in your life.

You can use the ones that we covered or you can feel free to add your own.

Just to repeat what those myths are.

Number one,

Boundaries push people away.

Number two,

Boundaries are selfish.

Number three,

Setting boundaries requires you to be mean.

Number four,

Setting boundaries requires too much time.

Number five,

Setting boundaries requires you to say no all the time.

Number six,

Real love quote unquote does not need boundaries.

And number seven,

You won't be liked if you set boundaries.

We're going to be journaling together for about three minutes.

I'll keep my eye on the time and I'll let you know when it's time to stop.

Okay,

Please finish up what you're writing.

And now let's check in.

How are you feeling after identifying your fears around boundary setting?

Did you have any aha moments?

What did you learn?

I cannot wait to read your comments and a gentle reminder that between now and our next session together,

Please listen to your boundary meditation,

Which you'll find on my profile.

I'll see you tomorrow where we're going to be talking about boundary violations.

Reviews

This was such a eye opener for me. Especially the ”true/healthy love has no boundaries” and ”push people away” or ” people will like me less or get angry/sad”. Healing from codependency atm, this is superhard especially in close relationships for me. It has never been more clearer that love is full of boundaires for example. But so hard!!

I found myself thinking about how people, particularly at work, may respond in anger to me asserting my boundaries. They've seen so few of them over the years. I can respond in an unhealthy manner to other's anger; becoming often times a lamb, and at other times, a lion. So I guess that's a version of fear that people won't like me?
That is something I know that I need to work on. Other people's reactions don't belong to me.

i love and appreciate these talks on boundaries. today what came up for me was 1. when i speak up i’m often told i’m too sensitive. my fear around boundaries is pushing people away (because it’s happened) and rejection. looking back all the people my boundaries seemed to have pushed away we’re unhealthy for me (rejection is God’s protection). if i keep your perspective of a boundary is asking for my preferences…that is a good way to approach boundaries for me. thanks 🦋🌈🦋🌈🦋🌈🦋🌈🦋🌈🦋🌈🦋🌈

Second time taking this course. I took it this time of the year last year as well. Still appreciate the lessons so much.

So good! You explained everything so well thank you 😊 👏❤️

I have learned a lot thank you so much listening to you is giving me more of a realization.

Read her book- so glad to see Terri on Insight Timer !

I’m learning to set boundaries and it’s hard. I’ve noticed when I did set boundaries with some people, they weren’t kind back to me. I felt that I was used in the past and I felt maybe my kindness looked like weakness. I’m stronger now and feel confident in setting boundaries. I feel when I set them I have a little more time for myself to meditate relax and not worry. I tend to worry and try to fix everyone’s problems without the boundaries. Boundaries are truly healthy and kind and shows strength in myself. I have no regrets in the help I’ve given but now I feel different about being so generous , especially if I’m seen as easy. I’m getting there and I have much faith in who I am. Thank you!

This is really good! And helping me grow. Thank you Terri

After journaling on Day two I am bright back to the fact that I have an unhealthy sense of responsibility for the well-being of others. I need to work on this, thank you!

I lost my virginity being raped at 16 so setting boundaries since then has always been a fear based problem for me. I am scared to say something because in the past that often means people get more aggressive or violent.

It was good, I subscribe to some of these myths but knowing they are myths is helpful. I will likely listen again.

I am taking my time learning this course! It is hard to set boundaries and I try so hard to be polite. I have so much love and so do my supporters 🙏

So good. Thank you Terri! ❤️

an aha moment from the past came to me where I had no boundaries, at the present I realize just how important boundaries really are.
Thank you for day two 🙏

It made me feel less alone to remember that people recognise me by my personal boundaries as much as by my physical appearance. Not only when I Am present but even in their memory. Just as I can feel close to my love ones when they are not here just by the smell of perfume or a day spent thinking about old arguments that we ould ever solve until we swapped shoes, but we keep our own shoes mostly.

Amazing!

We are bondarded with all these myths. Glad to be here and learning.

So enjoyable to take advice and to listen to the background journaling piano music 🎶

Ooh insight coming though ❤️‍🔥