Well,
Hello and welcome to day two of the Boundaries Challenge.
I'm your host,
Terry Cole.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist,
A relationship expert,
And the author of Boundary Boss.
And I am so incredibly grateful that you are back here with me for day two of the Boundaries Challenge.
Yesterday,
We talked about why boundaries are so hard to set.
And today we're talking about boundary myths.
Do you ever worry about how you'll be perceived if you speak up,
If you express a limit,
If you disagree with someone,
Or if you simply say no?
For years,
My clients and students have told me that they fear being misunderstood or labeled a drama queen,
Difficult,
High maintenance,
Hysterical,
Moody,
Hormonal,
Mean,
Or selfish,
Among many other things.
Many of us were raised to be the good girl or the good boy,
And above all else,
To be nice,
Quote unquote.
And saying no or stating our actual preferences can feel like we're being self-absorbed or controlling or mean.
So let's check out the top boundary myths that might be keeping you stuck in an old,
Familiar boundary pattern.
Because the more you know,
The easier it is to make changes.
Grab your journal and jot down which of these myths speaks to you.
So first myth is that boundaries push people away.
And the truth is that boundaries being clear and concise about your boundaries,
Your preferences,
Your deal-breakers,
That actually deepens the intimacy and authenticity in your relationships.
The second myth is that boundaries make you selfish.
Not true.
Setting boundaries makes you kind,
Thoughtful,
And generous.
Because in a way,
It's easier to not do it,
But that leads you to being misunderstood.
The third myth is setting boundaries requires you to be mean.
So let's really get into this one.
Actually setting boundaries is loving and kind.
It's letting the people that you love and others actually know who you are.
When you think about it,
Having disordered boundaries is like saying yes when you really want to say no under the guise of trying to be nice,
Quote unquote.
And really,
That's not nice at all.
It's misleading to the other person.
The next boundary myth is that boundaries require too much time.
And this one could not be further from the truth.
Because think about the many boundary disasters you may have in your past.
That is the gift that just keeps taking not healthy boundaries.
Because you could spend a lifetime trying to clean up past boundary disasters.
Where when you learn to set clear and concise boundaries,
You don't have to worry about the past because you've handled it in the present.
The next myth is that setting boundaries requires you to say no all the time.
Like just going around shutting people down saying no,
No,
No.
That is not true because boundaries are not all about saying no.
They're also about asserting your preferences,
Your desires.
And remember,
Every no to something that you really don't want to do is a potential yes to something that you do.
One of the biggest myths around boundaries is that real love needs no boundaries.
Intimate relationships don't need boundaries.
Like if that person is your soulmate,
You don't need boundaries.
That is categorically untrue.
Healthy love is boundaried love period.
Because love without boundaries is really just basic codependency.
And then the last myth is that people will like you less if you set boundaries.
And hey,
This might be true because maybe the people who benefited the most from you having no good boundaries won't like the fact that you are asserting yourself now.
But honestly,
Most others will appreciate you being honest about how you feel,
What you think,
And what you want.
And did you notice that all of those boundary myths are driven by fear based thinking?
So why is it so scary to assert healthy boundaries?
So much of the time it comes back to plain old fear of rejection,
Abandonment,
Or fear of conflict.
Be rest assured though that none of those experiences is fatal.
And that the more you can exercise expressing your preferences,
Your desires,
Your limits,
And your deal breakers,
Which are your boundaries,
The more you will reap the rewards and the less threatening it will feel.
So now let's dive into today's daily mindful action.
We're going to take a few minutes to journal right now about fears,
Myths,
Right?
That you have around asserting boundaries right now in your life.
You can use the ones that we covered or you can feel free to add your own.
Just to repeat what those myths are.
Number one,
Boundaries push people away.
Number two,
Boundaries are selfish.
Number three,
Setting boundaries requires you to be mean.
Number four,
Setting boundaries requires too much time.
Number five,
Setting boundaries requires you to say no all the time.
Number six,
Real love quote unquote does not need boundaries.
And number seven,
You won't be liked if you set boundaries.
We're going to be journaling together for about three minutes.
I'll keep my eye on the time and I'll let you know when it's time to stop.
Okay,
Please finish up what you're writing.
And now let's check in.
How are you feeling after identifying your fears around boundary setting?
Did you have any aha moments?
What did you learn?
I cannot wait to read your comments and a gentle reminder that between now and our next session together,
Please listen to your boundary meditation,
Which you'll find on my profile.
I'll see you tomorrow where we're going to be talking about boundary violations.
