Boundary Bullies

Welcome to Day 4 of the 10-Day Boundary Challenge. Today’s session focuses on raising your awareness about those around you who are violating your boundaries. Knowing who your biggest offenders are and bringing mindful awareness to the issue when you’re not in the heat of the moment is a great place to start building your boundary resilience.

Transcript

Well,

Hello and welcome to day four of the boundaries challenge.

I'm your host,

Terri Cole.

I'm a licensed psychotherapist,

A relationship expert and the author of Boundary Boss.

So yesterday we talked all about boundary violations and today it's all about boundary bullies.

We're going to be raising your awareness around the people in your life who repeatedly violate your boundaries.

So let's start with the categories of boundary violators that are out there.

There are the boundary first timers,

The repeat offenders and the boundary bullies.

So boundary first timers.

Now these are people who you have not actually expressed a boundary request with words,

Right?

You haven't actually given them the chance to change their behavior yet because you've only thought about it.

And even if you think that the boundary that you want or your request or the limit that you want to set is obvious and that they should know,

If you have not clearly and calmly made that boundary request with actual words,

Then that person is still a boundary first timer.

Then we have the repeat offenders.

Now these are people that you have stated your boundaries to and yet they continue to cross the line that you have explicitly drawn when dealing with repeat offenders.

You need to get a verbal commitment and or agreement with them,

Right?

So can we agree that if you're going to be late,

You'll text me or whatever the agreement is and then you need to add a specific consequence to your boundary request if they violated again,

Because really pain and I got to say the consequence is super important because it's one of the only things that makes people change their behavior.

Because if not,

What else is going to motivate their behavior to change?

Usually it's that something changes meaning you actually follow through on a consequence and that can be incredibly impactful.

And then you have boundary bullies.

Now these are the folks who want what they want,

Regardless of how you feel or how you approach them,

Right?

They can act in these overtly or covertly manipulative ways to get what they want from you.

When dealing with boundary bullies,

If negotiating or adding consequences is not effective,

You can proactively protect yourself by limiting their access to you.

A lot of times with real boundary bullies,

These can be people who are super manipulative and it can be really toxic to be in a relationship with folks like that.

It can be overt or covert.

So it can be very tricky the ways that they are manipulating you.

So you need to be very aware of it,

Which is why I say sometimes limiting their access to you is the biggest and the best boundary that you can create.

And think about other ways that people can be manipulative from the friend who always manages to plan the meetup near her apartment,

Requiring you to travel more to the boss who always ignores your request to stop contacting you about work on the weekends.

Those are all boundary violations.

So interacting with folks like this can be super stressful and can leave you feeling defeated and drained.

So let's go a little deeper with the case study.

I had a former client who was struggling with her self-esteem and it was playing out in her dating life.

She was becoming sexual too soon,

In her words,

When she was on dates with people and then regretting it after the fact.

So we agreed that she would attempt to adopt what I called the eight date rule,

Not having sex or being sexual until after the eighth date to protect her from compulsively doing something that she might wish she hadn't later on.

And again,

So clarity,

I'm not anti-sex.

This is just one client and what we came up with to protect her.

She started dating a guy who agreed to the eight date rule like happily,

No problem.

And then by date three,

He started pressuring her to have sex.

And at first he was doing it in a kind of funny and flirty way and it was kind of cute until it started to really make her feel threatened and judged.

This guy was a boundary bully and a repeat offender and she ditched him after date number four and honestly she never regretted not having sex with him.

So I'm sure you have your own experiences of boundary bullies.

So let's dive into today's daily mindful action.

Grab your notebook and pen.

I want you to write about a situation right now in your life where you know you need to set a boundary,

But you haven't yet.

Who is the person?

Are they a boundary first timer,

Repeat offender or boundary bully?

And what boundary would you like to feel free to set with them?

Let me repeat that for you.

You're thinking about a situation with a person where you know you need to set a boundary.

So who is the person?

Are they a first timer,

A repeat offender or a boundary bully?

And what boundary would you like to feel free to set with them?

We are going to be doing this exercise together for about three minutes.

I'll keep my eye on the timer and let you know when it's time to come back.

Okay,

Please finish up what you're writing right now.

And let's check in.

How are you feeling about potentially setting that boundary?

I'm not saying to take any action right now,

But how does that make you feel to even think about it?

What's coming up for you?

Did you have any aha moments?

Please share all of that in the comments.

I can't wait to read them all.

And a gentle reminder that between now and our next session together,

Please listen to your boundary meditation,

Which you'll find on my profile.

And I'll see you tomorrow where we are talking about the VIP section of your one and only amazing life.

我地再 lasted一段時間啦惹

Reviews

Found some useful information to help me decide my next step. Definitely a boundary Bully. Before I listened to this talk I had begun to limit my time with her. Now I need to tell her why and what consequence there will be if she continues her current behaviour. Thank you.

There is a coworker who rarely lets me get a word in when we are discussing any topic. I realize she needs to one up herself because she is very insecure and has social anxiety. The idea of being strong and saying " Hey I have something to contribute to" makes me feel tense. I will be brave and attempt it anyway.

boundary bullies … I love this term. And my last comment I use the phrase, don’t poke the bear. And the bear feels like a boundary bully. Thank you for the insights on your talk. As I listen to your boundary talks, I feel more empowered to speak up and exercise self-care, especially around boundary bullies, and repeat offenders 🙏✨♥️🙏✨♥️🙏✨♥️🙏✨♥️

Incredibly helpful and puts into context what I need to do. Distance is my new respect and boundary.

Wow! I so need coaching on a daily basis in this to change childhood programming!

Enjoying all of Terri’s boundary work. I’m learning how to have compassion for unconscious boundary breakers, while saying I will not participate in their drama. It’s a tough one.

Loss for words right now . So much in my head . I may have to come back to this .

Recently able to set clear boundary on person who is continuously negative. It's exhausting and I've decided not to stay connected to this toxicity.

Made me feel clear & confident with boundary bullies & calm

This 10 day challenge is excellent! I wish I had access to this lesson years ago, and I’m grateful to have it now. I am sensing some shifts in my mindset about boundaries and I know what follows that ……. Behavioral changes!

Setting a boundary with a boundary bully makes me feel a little queasy because this bully may respond negatively.

I wish rewinding wasn’t limited, but class content was helpful.

Thought provoking and empowering. It made me consider other possibilities in responding to my supervisor who shares too much of her personal problems.

I like how to categorize the boundary offenders. I would like more info about the consequences with repeat offenders.

Amazing how many boundaries I let go and just deal with because they seem like, "not a big deal."

Really enjoying the class. The length of each class is perfect and I like the journalling part as well as the meditation. Learning lots!

This made me feel better about setting a needed boundary with the boundary bully and repeat offender that I am dealing with. Thank you. I am getting so much out of this.