Setting Boundaries

Welcome to Day 1 of the 10-Day Boundary Challenge. We all know we need to set boundaries. But in the moment summoning the courage to say no or state a preference can be challenging. This session is all about why it might be hard for you to set boundaries, and how raising your awareness makes it easier to actually set them.

Transcript

Well,

Hello and welcome to day one of the boundaries challenge.

I'm your host,

Terry Kong.

I am a licensed psychotherapist,

The author of Boundary Boss,

And I have honestly been obsessed with empowering people to master the art of healthy boundaries for over two decades.

So I am really,

Really excited that you are here.

I've teamed up with Insight Timer to create this boundaries challenge,

Really to help you up level your boundary awareness and your boundary IQ.

Okay,

So let's get into it.

So that we're all starting on the same page,

I want you to think about your boundaries as your own personal rules of engagement,

Right?

It's just letting others know what's okay with you and what's not okay with you.

Your boundaries consist of your preferences,

Limits,

And deal breakers,

And it requires you to not just know what they are,

But have the ability to communicate them when you so choose.

It's telling the truth about how you feel about what you do and do not want and need.

So here's how the challenge is going to work.

Over the next 10 days,

We're going to tackle one boundary block a day.

Each day,

We'll spend about 10 minutes together and focus on one topic to raise your awareness and your boundary literacy.

Awareness is always the first step.

Real transformation is created by small,

Consistent changes,

And you can't make changes without being aware of what the actual issue is.

Each session has a simple,

Doable,

Daily mindful action that we'll do together during our time together.

These will be journaling sessions,

So please come prepared with your favorite notebook and a pen each day.

You need your journal today as well,

So if you don't have one handy,

Pop this recording on pause and please find something to write with.

If you stay committed to doing these 10 days,

You will experience more self-awareness about why your boundaries are the way they are right now,

Which is the first step to changing what's not working for you.

So today,

We're covering setting boundaries.

Specifically,

Why is it so hard to set boundaries?

For decades,

My therapy clients and people in my courses have interpreted their inability to say no,

To set limits,

Or to assert their honest preferences as like fatal personal flaws.

They thought they were just quote unquote weak,

Stupid,

Just a pushover.

I'm sure you can fill in your own self-blaming adjective there where we take it on ourselves.

But the simple truth is that nobody taught them,

Period.

So if you struggle with knowing and expressing your preferences,

Your limits,

And deal-breakers,

Or saying no to people,

There is nothing wrong with you either.

Becoming fluent in the language of boundaries is the same as learning any language.

It takes a great teacher and some practice.

So let's dive into the meat of today,

Which is going over the most common struggles to setting boundaries.

And I want you to see which ones resonate with you the most.

So grab your notebook and pen and jot down which of the following examples of boundary struggles hit home,

Because we will be diving into a journaling exercise right after this.

Is there fear of rejection?

Fear that if you don't do what the other person wants you to do,

That they will reject you.

Do you suffer from the people pleasing syndrome or do you have the disease to please where you prioritize what other people want from you over what you actually want to do?

Do you not have discernment?

Meaning you don't really know where a boundary is needed.

You might know that you're upset about something,

But you can't really pinpoint what the actual problem is.

Do you struggle with codependency?

Are you overly invested in the feeling states,

The outcomes,

The decisions,

The circumstances of the people in your life?

Codependency is disordered boundaries.

Maybe you just don't know where to start when it comes to your boundaries.

That is so incredibly common.

And it's a struggle to set boundaries,

But it also makes people not start.

It's overwhelming.

There's so many things.

You might be conflict avoidant and you would rather sort of suck it up because you're so afraid to have a confrontation with someone.

You might have ineffective communication where you just don't know how to effectively communicate your preferences,

Your desires,

Your limits,

And your deal breakers.

You might be in denial that you need boundaries.

You might not realize when a boundary has been crossed.

You might feel it,

But not really know it.

You don't know the words to say.

That's one of the biggest boundary blocks and resistance to setting boundaries.

My clients have told me over the past 25 years is I just don't have the right words,

Which is why I wrote a book on it.

You might be worried about what other people are going to think about you and that stops you from setting boundaries.

You might be afraid of hurting someone else's feelings and that might stop you from setting boundaries or maybe you really just don't know your own preferences,

Desires,

Limits,

And deal breakers.

Maybe you've just never really thought about it long and hard enough to know what those things are.

So listen,

If many of those common boundary struggles made you think,

Yep,

That's me,

You are so not alone.

And the good news is that with practice and time,

Anyone can learn to successfully overcome these obstacles and that my dear includes you.

So let's dive into today's mindful action.

We're going to take a moment right now to uncover your biggest boundary blocks.

It might be some of the ones that I mentioned,

Right above,

Or could be something totally different.

So you can take the one,

Two,

Three of them,

However much time you have to write and write why you think you struggle with that particular thing.

The most is a fear of rejection is a fear of hurting someone's feelings.

Do you not know where to start?

We're going to be doing this practice together for about three minutes.

I will keep my eye on the timer and I will let you know when it's time to stop.

Okay,

Please finish what you're writing and let's check in.

How are you feeling after identifying your biggest boundary blocks?

Did you learn anything new?

How did it make you feel?

Because here's the thing,

The more you understand why you relate to boundaries the way that you do,

The easier it becomes to shift your behavior from unempowered to self-determined.

So don't worry if you had one or many more of the common boundary struggles because over the next 10 days we're going to be tackling many of these blocks one at a time.

I've also created a guided boundary meditation to help you visualize yourself setting an assertive boundary.

The affirmation in the meditation is I assert my thoughts,

Preferences and boundaries with ease and grace.

So listen to the boundary meditation once a day,

Each day of the challenge to support what you are learning.

You can find it right on my Inside Timer teachers page or just search for gentle boundary meditation.

I encourage you to bookmark this practice for easy access each day.

I can't wait to read your comments and I will see you tomorrow to go over the boundary myths.

Reviews

Dear Terri, thank you for your expertise and inspiration. Sending good wishes with gratitude.

I have worked on my boundaries with my partner. He thinks I am selfish for not wanting to move in with him but his daughter is a dry addict. I have offered solutions but he is not listening. I constantly put my foot down then feel guilty.
This is a great course for me right now. Thank you

I became so skilled at reading others and tending to their needs as a trauma response that I focus on that and put it above what I need and want. I also was told that I was selfish and too set in my ways and that caused me to over ride my sensations. Fortunately I have a part that gets angry when boundaries are violated so I get to take notice when I feel that anger.

I
Never set boundaries before and I’m finding out I have too.

I feel that I'm going to learn some truths about myself participating in this course. I'm looking forward to diving in further. Thank you.

this talk was very helpful. my #1 boundaries stumbling block is a fear of people getting angry, or argumentative after I state my boundaries. This has happened enough times where i’ll state what i need or want, the other person doesn’t like it and so they argue or get disagreeable. some friends call it, poking the bear. and then what happens within me is i think before i speak up i’ll ask myself, is it worth poking a grizzly bear. (i hope that makes sense). 🙏✨🙏✨🙏✨

Incredible recording. Love that the first session in this series gets to the heart of the matter. Such important work. Thank you Terri

This an calming meditation to prepare you for the oncoming day.

Really optimistic approach in how to begin to set boundaries, walks you through your personal blocks to setting boundaries

Very helpful and thought provoking.

I try to set boundaries but they don't work.

Thank you 🙏 so grateful I found this course. It’s definitely relevant work for my life. Am in need of a good therapist and guidance with journaling prompts. Excited to learn more about myself to create a better existence

Excellent Terri I’m thrilled you wrote a book on boundaries !

I feel supported and inspired to keep going. Thanks ver much 🙏🏻💞

Wow, I didn’t know this was something I can work on in this setting. Thank you for your guidance💙❤️🙏🏻

When you have to label it (write it down) it comes out different than just thinking about it!…

I am eager to participate in these sessions- thank you! My mother used to tell me when I was young “you are co-dependent.” I never knew what she meant.

So clear and set out a range of reasons that I could identify with - many thanks Michael

Flet i got right teacher and right place to learn and begin fresh life

Not his is my second time listening to your series. I need to muster to learn what words to use when someone crosses my boundaries and then what to say when the person wants to argue about it. I am at a place in life where I can cutting ties with people who do t respect me.

Terri is the teacher i need right now for learing about asserting healthy boundaries: clear; authentic and non-aggressive.