Today's talk is Easing Our Relationships.
MentalHealth.
Org says people who are more socially connected to family,
Friends,
Or their community are happier,
Physically healthier,
And live longer with fewer mental health problems than people who are less well-connected.
I'm sure we all know this intuitively that when we feel our relationships are healthy and good,
We're healthy and good.
What can you do to experience more peace and ease in all of your relationships?
Oftentimes when people come to coaching,
There can be talk of the significant other,
And quite possibly a rant that goes along with that and a focus on the significant other,
What they're doing wrong,
What they should be doing,
What they aren't doing,
And If someone is aware,
They.
.
.
Can sense that maybe that's not.
The direction to be going in.
But how often?
Do we tend to focus on other people and their behavior and how it doesn't meet our own need or expectation?
How often does that happen?
Because when we do that,
We start placing blame.
On others for the way they make us feel.
We can get critical,
Angry,
Resentful,
We can feel hatred,
All of these dark negative emotions that begin to arise within us.
Shame and blame are two sides of the same coin.
Often times when we're blaming we're also in our minds shaming whether it is ourselves if it's other people and what other people are doing so just noticing how these two are interrelated And you could even call this judgment and separation.
Anything that keeps us in this kind of negative feedback loop because the blame shame consciousness Model is an unconscious trap when we start to engage in this energy of outer focus not making me happy,
Not satisfying me.
What is really going on here?
Like I said,
It might not just be blame and shame,
It could be judgment.
Just our inner voice.
That judgy inner voice that starts talking and it creates this feeling of separation that they're bad,
I'm good,
I'm bad.
They're good.
Or even the sense of inequality that can start to emerge when we begin to engage in any of this Energy of Plain Shame.
Judgment So what's actually happening when we blame others?
So if something happens,
Whether it's in a simple text or a request where there was some expectation,
Or need.
Just even a social need to have been met or asked,
How are you?
What happens when we start to go into blame towards others?
Well,
When we do.
.
.
What's not there is understanding,
The willingness to understand.
What's really going on and a deeper truth.
That is emerging.
Also perspective because it's so much easier to judge and blame.
When we don't have a full perspective about what's going on.
And I'm talking about how somebody was treated as a child and they don't have that.
The language or the healthy pattern.
To know how to communicate,
For example.
And also it lacks true empowerment for yourself and the other.
It's disempowering.
So this is what this model lacks.
And like I said,
It's deeply.
Disempowering because It's based on this model that.
I'm not going to be happy or satisfied or content or peaceful until the other changes.
Until that person knows how to do the right thing,
Makes the healthy choice.
Communicates in the way that feels good to me.
It's focused on the externality of how people are rather than your own.
Internal state of being.
So no matter who this is,
Whether it's loved ones,
Your significant other,
The government,
Your parents bosses or co-workers whoever it may be that you have rubbed and tension with and there's this kind of push pull of constant misunderstanding miscommunication whatever it may be just taking notice when we start to go into that mindset.
Of blaming and shaming.
So how can we release this unconscious trap.
The Shame Blame Model.
We can take a breath and remember to shift our focus.
To notice what's going on,
To be aware of what's happening,
To be aware of unhealthy,
Toxic,
Behavior.
But to you also bring our focus internally.
And to know what we can do.
What can we do?
To shift this pattern.
So moving that focus away from the other,
Needing to shift and be healthy or right,
Whatever that idea may be.
And shifting to your own internal state,
Noticing what it's bringing up in you.
With acute awareness and releasing consciously projections that we have.
Because like I said,
When we lack that perspective,
It's so much easier to judge on the surface.
Toxic or misguided behavior.
Somebody may be acting out in an unhealthy way,
But we don't know that.
They might have been verbally or physically abused as a child.
We don't really walk around with that sign on our head.
But if we were to really go deeper.
And try to see.
What's really happening.
We would be willing to easily let go of these projections of inadequacy,
Of others,
That they're not good,
They're not enough.
Having that negative energy,
That negative bias or unconscious bias towards groups and individuals that we may harbor.
Because we've experienced the same kind of situation again and again.
To what can I do.
Yes,
It's happening.
But what can I say?
What can I share,
Express,
Take action on?
What can I choose?
Because as we start to shift the focus away from the need to change what's out there to what's in here,
It becomes empowering.
We can complain about a significant other over and over again.
Or we can come to realize maybe this person isn't for me.
Or maybe I need to shift something so that the space opens up.
But where there's a willingness to collaborate.
A willingness to collaborate,
Connect,
And communicate.
Invest your energy toward productive,
Conducive,
New energies,
New actions.
So anytime you find yourself blaming,
Catch yourself in that moment.
And ask,
If I wasn't spending my mind space blaming someone else,
What could I do to make the situation better?
What could I do to improve?
The relationship,
What can I do to raise the energy?
Because blame and shame doesn't pave the way toward positive change.
And if you're a parent,
You probably know that punishment isn't a great model for parenting.
Because when we.
.
.
Make our children feel bad for having wild and challenging emotions and behavior.
And we throw negative energy on top of negative energy.
It can shut them down.
It's hurtful.
It can feel like a betrayal.
And so we know that punishment.
Doesn't work well for growth and positive change.
So learning how to consciously release this energy within ourselves,
Especially toward ourselves,
When we start to blame and shame ourselves,
Because there's a big difference between criticism and punishment.
And encouragements and nurturing.
And oftentimes it's people with the worst behaviors that need the most gentle care.
And heart-centered awareness.
Because the pain they inflict on others is the pain and suffering that they are feeling themselves.
So remember this when it comes to yourself,
When it comes to others.
Refuse to waste your energy and blame and shame and ask yourself,
What will you do the next time?
You find yourself.
Blaming or shaming.
Take a breath.
And refocus your attention.
Take a breath.
And refocus.
Your energy.
Take a step toward an empowering direction.
Empowering for everyone,
Yourself included.
Thank you so much for joining in this talk today.
Blessings.
Namaste.
