For Parents: Teens & The Teenage Brain

Hey parents,

My name is Reuben and this is a little bit of info about your teenager or teenagers,

If you've got more than one.

So a little bit of very basic science here is that the brain areas for impulse control,

For consequences of doing a particular behavior,

For emotional regulation,

Are not fully developed until around 25.

And in teenage years,

It's operating with an unfinished brain.

Basically an unfinished brain.

I'm saying it like this to help you in those moments where you need something to just remind you.

My kid's got an unfinished brain.

My kid's got an unfinished brain and this can help you get a bit of distance from it because we can see we make up so much.

Our minds make up so much,

Should I say,

A narrative in our head about what they're doing,

What they're not doing.

They're defective.

Right.

They're not pursuing hobbies that you would like them to.

They're not talking.

They're grunting.

They're not acknowledging really.

All of these things are part and parcel of teenagers.

So reward and learning centers are highly active.

Which is why it can feel like our teenagers are almost dysregulated.

It's because most parts of the brain haven't evolved properly yet.

But they are primed for growth.

It's just that their brains are not ready.

But they're not broken and we can really get caught up and believe that.

I know that when I was 13 years old,

My mom said she just had had absolute enough of me.

She said she didn't like who I was.

And it wasn't until like 16,

17 that things changed.

So.

Their brains are under construction.

Remember this.

Their brains are under construction.

What can help shape that construction?

Connection.

Acceptance.

I know.

Sometimes,

You know,

You might want to connect and they don't want to connect.

Right.

But ultimately,

It's.

We disconnect when we show them that disconnection,

If that makes sense.

So by by us.

Showing that resistance.

We're not showing the connection that they actually need.

And I know that's really hard.

I know it's really hard.

It's there's no perfect book.

Is there?

There's no perfect rule book for parents.

So the most powerful thing that you can offer is not correction.

But connection.

Their brains are under construction.

It needs a steady,

Safe adult to build against.

And that adult is you.

And we're not perfect.

You're not perfect.

We've all got our demons about how we could be better parents.

Just come back to.

Knowing that.

Maybe affirming to yourself.

I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.

I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.

And also,

There's something that kids need to see,

Which is when we have.

Moved away from the type of person that we want to be in those moments.

We've acted ineffectively.

We've shouted.

We've reacted.

We've done whatever.

Right.

And what is really important for kids to see.

Is the resolve afterwards.

It's actually important for kids to see us become dysregulated.

If they can see the resolve afterwards.

And by the resolve,

I mean,

Like a genuine kind of like,

Hey.

Daddy,

Sorry that he said what he did and he acted like he did.

And do you.

How did you feel at the time and how do you feel now?

And is there anything that you want to ask?

You know,

That kind of thing that that kind of shared connection.

It's really,

Really important.

Anyway,

I hope this little video has been helpful.

Really,

This video is just a little.

Validation video.

For for you.

And hopefully some of that validation can come through to your team as well.

Or teams.

If you've got more than one.

I hope this is helpful.

You take care.