So I'm going to ask you a question while we get started.
So you all came to the Cultivating a Growth Mindset chat today.
So first things first,
If you don't have a journal or at least five pieces of paper,
Go grab some.
I'm going to be doing a lot of reflection today and I really want you to take something away today.
I don't want this to just be left on the comments and then you leave and you're like,
Ah,
I forgot what she had said.
So I want you to get prepped with a journal and a pen or a notepad,
Whatever you'd like,
Because we're diving in today.
Full disclosure,
I probably am going to go a bit over the hour because I love this work so much.
So apologies in advance,
But it's really because I love this work.
So feel free to stay.
I'm going to try to keep it to an hour,
But most people know I go a little bit over and that I love the post-session chat.
So we'll be here for about 75 minutes,
Truthfully.
Okay,
So here's my deep burning question and feel free to type in the comments as we get started.
If you weren't afraid,
So if fear wasn't an option,
What would you dare to do that you haven't done yet?
Who is going to be the courageous soul that starts us off with that question?
And it's totally okay if you don't share.
Sit with it,
Ponder.
If you knew that fear wasn't an option and you weren't afraid,
What would you dare to do?
Michelle would open a yoga studio.
Brenda would be a singer,
Amazing.
Tien would quit your job,
Awesome.
Susan also would quit their job.
Amanda would publish.
Maria would move and live overseas.
Beautiful Karen started a women's wisdom group,
Sign me up,
I'll be your first participant.
Lonnie would go to the Appalachian Trail.
Empty your house and travel,
Awesome creative.
There's an amazing family,
The bucket list family for any of you who follow or want to Google them,
Where they basically sold everything and they are traveling around the world,
So that reminded me of that.
Go back to grad school,
Michelle,
Amazing.
Move to Puerto Rico,
Oh my gosh.
Okay,
So I'm holding so much space right now for these brave courageous shares and we all and maybe you put one out there but there's really a deeper one.
Just think,
I don't know if that's for you,
But maybe there's one that's,
You know,
Relatively close in sight that you know you could probably accomplish that you put out and then there's one in the back of your mind that even if you breathe it,
Even if you say it,
It stirs up that feeling inside you.
I don't know if that's possible.
So I love that you've shared.
I can tell we're in for a great session by how willing you are to be here.
So Liz would travel more,
I forget who it was that said they do their PhD.
I highly support that.
Brenda would love to move.
Perfect.
Peace.
The question was if you weren't afraid,
What would you do that you haven't done yet?
Okay,
So just ponder that.
Maybe have that on your journal paper at the top of your paper that one thing or two things that you would do if fear just wasn't there or the uncertainty wasn't there.
Yeah and Jason that's okay.
You don't have to have the answer right away.
That's a big loaded question to start off.
But ponder it.
Ponder it and see what comes up and this is a question you can revisit day by day and see if it's still the same or if there's it's evolved somehow.
Okay,
So for those of you who I haven't had the pleasure of meeting before,
My name is Megan and I am a meditation and yoga teacher.
I say that with such pride here on Insight Timer and I just want to acknowledge Insight Timer for being the lifeline that I didn't know I needed during the pandemic.
So I just a big shout out to the team at Insight Timer.
They work so hard behind the scenes to elevate the globe.
So just really really grateful.
So a couple housekeeping before we actually dive into today's talk and I'm looking at my computer at the same time so I wanted to make some good notes for you.
So make sure you have that journal and piece of paper and a pen maybe multiple pieces of paper.
Like I said this is information I'd like you to take away and percolate and sit with especially as we enter into the new year.
So not just the comments.
Comments are great but make sure you're writing some of this down and I see some lovely souls repeating some of the questions and I really appreciate that say I don't have five hands at the moment so thank you to those that have done that.
If you do find that the comments are distracting please make an empowered choice for yourself.
If you're on a tablet or an iPhone or a mobile phone you can tap the comments and will minimize and then you just tap and they'll come back up again.
I really would love if you gave yourself permission to fully tune in for yourself here because we're going to dive into a lot of deep reflection so make a choice for yourself that makes sense.
If you do find any of the comments offensive or hurtful in any way there's a flag that you can click beside the person's name to flag it.
I don't think that is what's going to happen in this space as I've already seen such incredible empathy and sharing but it is an option that Insight Timer has.
And then just taking a few moments right now that was a big question I laid on you at the beginning to assess your comfort level in diving into work around our mindset.
I'm going to be asking you some really deep questions to uncover some of the unconscious ways that maybe you're holding yourself back.
So we're going to talk about things like failure,
We're going to talk about things like conflict,
We're going to talk about things like knee-jerk reactions,
We're going to talk about different things that can stir up different sensations and emotions.
Naturally so.
And so see if in your environment you can create a backup plan so maybe you need a glass of water nearby or maybe there's a few cushions that you could have and maybe place them behind your head,
Light a candle,
Create your space to feel safe and welcoming for you.
And if you need to pause and come back at a different time by all means make that choice.
Okay?
So we're going to start with a grounding exercise to ground us in the present moment.
Now that I've got you perked up like,
Oh man what's she going to ask me?
It's really important that we ground ourselves.
So wherever you're at today take a couple of moments to find yourself in a comfortable seated or lying down position.
Doesn't matter which option you choose,
It's entirely up to you.
If you need maybe a little more support right now lying down can sometimes feel better.
If you need to feel a little more energized you may even try shifting to the front of your seat so that your back is not supported by the chair.
You're working your muscles or lean back in your chair whatever feels most comfortable.
We're going to do a short progressive relaxation exercise.
So I'm going to be guiding you through a series of bringing intentional constriction to the muscles and then releasing them.
If at any time there's an area that doesn't feel comfortable for you absolutely return to another area of the body or just pass it.
Okay?
So when you feel ready just gently ground through the sitz bones or perhaps notice where any area of the body is connected to a solid surface.
See if you can sense the support of the chair or the floor or the bed beneath you.
When you feel ready just drawing the awareness and sensing into the body.
Perhaps drawing the awareness all the way down to the feet and if you'd like maybe giving the feet a little wiggle or rock back and forth from heels to toes.
Just sensing the awareness of drawing the attention focusing on the feet right now.
If it feels comfortable for you see if you might squeeze the toes towards the soles of the feet.
So we're clenching through the toes we're giving them a big squeeze.
Bring some tension into the soles of the feet not to the point of pain but that you feel that constriction.
Take a long slow breath in and on your exhale let's gently release and soften the feet to allow them to melt into the floor or surface and just notice the sensation.
Traveling up past the ankles to the calves we're going to clench the muscles in the backs of the shin so the calf muscles so you can either draw the toes up towards the nose to flex the calves or you can point the toes downwards and get the same constriction.
Take a big breath in and slow breath out let's release.
Gliding up the body to the thighs and the hips.
If you're in a chair you may wish to press the feet into the floor to bring tension into the thighs or you can even lift both legs up and flex the toes to nose to bring tension into the fronts of the thighs.
So flexing through the upper legs squeeze as much as you're as comfortable and on your next out breath slowly release allow the muscles to soften.
Drawing up into the hips and the seat we're going to do if this is comfortable clenching through the seat and maybe the lower abdomen if this is not comfortable return back to the legs or the toes.
Big breath in long slow breath out gently release and soften.
Let's come up to the core really big area where we hold on to natural constriction so taking a moment here to stitch the belly button in towards the spine and perhaps shifting downwards ever so slightly to compress through the abdomen here.
So we're clenching we have an active core long slow breath in as best you can and exhale let it all out let that Christmas belly soften.
Moving up into the shoulder area we're going to lift the shoulders up towards the ears getting some tension here into the neck and upper back squeeze and hold and exhale slowly release back down maybe give the shoulders a little roll out.
Let's come into the arms now so from the shoulders through the biceps all the way to the hands so we're gonna clench the entire arm here get your best boxing gloves arms ready squeeze the fist tight draw attention into the arms from the tips of the fingers to the shoulders you may notice the vibration and exhale slowly release let that soften.
Let's move up into the face this is where I wish I could see all of you make your silliest clenched face that you can so squeeze up the nose big teeth grin and smile or have lifted whatever face you want to make I wish I could see it big big big clenching and exhale allow the face to soften.
Okay so hopefully hopefully everyone's feeling a bit more in this space and you can do progressive relaxation as quick or as long as you'd like and it just reminds us Jason wouldn't do it if you can see it awesome so I hope that means you did it perfect yeah it just brings us into the present moment a little bit helps us you know quiet down some of the mental chatter that may be happening.
Alright let's dive in this is what you all came for so today we're talking about cultivating a growth mindset and so you might be asking why what's the purpose of this why now at least I was asking that so for those of you that don't know me I do a lot of clinical research in helping people with PTSD and helping them overcome some of the barriers and challenges that naturally would happen as a result of experienced trauma of any kind and I really through this work believe that my life's goal is to help people come back to life I don't mean like CPR come back to life I mean help people uncover what makes them feel the most like themselves and their sense of aliveness because for me I've seen far too many people hide in shame play small not take that next step in fear because of the impact of trauma and so some of you may be here and this may apply to you and some of you are here who maybe haven't experienced trauma so this session is designed to be as inclusive as possible regardless of your lived experience and so it's important that you take what works for you today what I say here is not gospel there's only a few select few people in the world where they are gospel I'm not one of them so take what works for you from this session and leave the rest it's okay to disagree or challenge the concepts that I'm going to share with you and just ask that you know we as best as possible together have this open mind as we approach 2021 is approaching in just a few days and so I wanted to bring a discussion to this space about how do we help each other become more alive within ourselves how do we become more self-expressed some people are really excited about 2021 some people can't wait to shut the door to 2020 and get on with 2021 other people may be indifferent or don't care one way or the other some people are deeply hurting or maybe struggling with the new year so we all are coming with different perspectives different feelings of what 2021 is going to mean for us and our belief systems so this is largely what this conversation is about today our belief systems about our own abilities and our potential really guide our behavior and the new year is often stigmatized as this bolder braver better you and that doesn't always work for people in fact right out of the gate we may actually be setting ourselves up for failure if we have this idea that we need to do certain things or reach certain targets I want to talk about exploring what are your belief systems about yourself and maybe just maybe in 2021 if you can break free of a belief system that is holding you back just for a fraction and a lot of you in my circles or meditations will hear me say if only for one more breath that is progress that's my hope for you for 2021 is that you take one more breath in a capacity where you feel most like yourself not a version of yourself that you are hiding or feel shame about or feel frustrated with so that's what we're talking about today so my intention is to bring a new concept for you to ponder and today we're going to talk about growth mindset and so where we're headed today so I'm going to define what growth mindset is and we cannot know growth mindset without exploring fixed mindset so we're going to talk about these two different terms and we're going to journal a lot today to discover perhaps some new information about ourselves oh hey Carla oh gonna change my posture thank you I'm gonna try to end this session with a meditation or leave time for questions or both because I know you're gonna have lots of burning questions I do already so growth mindset is not a term I came up with this concept was developed by a psychologist called Carol Dweck and this was popularized in her book called mindset the new psychology of success so if there's some brave soul that could write that book title I would love that so mindset the new psychology of success by Carol Dweck so mindset what exactly is that word meaning is a self-perception that we have about ourselves or a self theory I always like to create theories and max mind maps so a mindset is really a self theory that we have about ourselves our mindset forms our beliefs about our capacity about our capabilities about our intelligence about who we are and many people formulate a mindset based on their personal and their professional hats so for example a mindset dialogue could be I'm a really good manager a dialogue could be I'm a really bad parent and dialogue could be I'm really good at organizing so we have these statements that are built upon the mindset that we have about ourselves our mindset has to do with how we view and embody what we consider to be our personality so the interesting thing about mindset is that there are parts of our mindset that we are largely aware of so even as I'm talking right now maybe you're like oh okay this is what I believe about myself and you know it you're aware of it there's also aspects of your mindset that operate on the subconscious we're not always aware that they're operating and sometimes they come out as our impulsive or knee-jerk reactions everyone has these aspects of our mindset or our belief systems operating at that subconscious level where we're not fully aware but our behavior is being guided by this okay does that make sense for everybody let me know if it doesn't say want to make sure you're with me I see some love hearts that's awesome so maybe it's helpful to give an example of an unconscious aspect of mindset by giving a personal example okay so in my life when I was really young I went through a difficult childhood experience that resulted in me having to go through the court system to testify for six years and as a result of that experience I developed this unconscious it's now conscious but it was largely unconscious that I was a burden to my family and so that drove my behavior where that people-pleasing came out or that perfectionism in my workplace my projects had to be elaborate projects and because I was trying to feed into this mindset that I was a burden so I want to avoid being that ever again so we don't always know that that's operating so hopefully that was an example of how sometimes something subconsciously driving your behavior so your mindset regardless of your level of awareness can have such a profound effect on our learning like our approach to learning and have such a profound effect on our skill acquisition so developing skill it can have such an impact on the way that we relate with romantic partners in family dynamics in workspaces our mindset really impacts our professional success it impacts our professional choices or lack of choices so our mindset truly impacts all life dimensions and this is why I really wanted to spend some time with you to talk about this as we approach a new year so Carol Dweck's work her research centers on distinguishing between fixed and growth mindset so she looks at this dichotomy this duality and she writes so these are her words not mine for 20 years my research has shown that the view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way that you lead your life it can determine whether you become the person that you want to be and whether you accomplish the things that you value okay and how does this happen how can a simple belief have the power to transform your psychology and as a result your life believing that your qualities are carved in stone the fixed mindset creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over if you have only a certain amount of intelligence or a certain personality type or a certain moral character well then you better prove that you have a healthy dose of them it simply wouldn't do to look or feel deficient in these most basic characteristics so I'll dive into the fixed mindset in a moment I want to keep going with her quote but to just pull out some of the key things believing that your qualities are carved in stone is the fixed mindset so that's just a really fixed mindset means this is what it is it's not changing it is carved in stone okay duet says I've seen so many people with this one consuming goal of proving themselves in the classroom in their careers and in their relationships Brené Brown one of my fave girls of all time talks about hustling for your worthiness so the same idea here this idea of proving yourself it's exhausting it's exhausting in fixed mindset every situation calls for confirmation of your intelligence your competence your personality or your character every situation is evaluated through a fixed mindset like this will I succeed or fail will I look smart or dumb will I be accepted or rejected will I feel like a winner or a loser okay there's this dichotomy in terms of what the outcome is I'm either gonna look good or I'm going to look bad I'm either going to look really smart or I could look really dumb and this is what fixed mindset is and so think about that if there's the potential that you could look stupid that you could feel humiliation a fixed mindset if we're operating mostly in fixed mindset means we're likely not going to take that risk it's too risky to possibly look dumb or stupid so I'm not going to answer that question I'm not gonna put up my hand I'm not going to show up and lean into this meeting and share my thoughts okay think about in your life what have you not done what are the steps that you have not taken because that fear of looking stupid was running the dialogue I have hundreds of examples of how that shows up okay so that's dewex that's dewex words about fixed mindset she goes on to say there's another mindset in which these traits are not simply a hand you're dealt with and have to live with always trying to convince yourself and others that you have a royal flush when you secretly are worried it's only a pair of tens in this mindset so now I'm moving to growth mindset the hand you're dealt is just the starting point for development the hand you're dealt is just the starting point this growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things that you can cultivate through your efforts okay again growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things that you can cultivate through your efforts and although people may differ in every which way in their initial talents and aptitudes interests or temperament everyone can change and grow through application and experience okay so do people with growth mindset believe that anyone can be anything that anyone with proper motivation or education can become Einstein or Beethoven no I'm not pollyanna e this concept and so don't misinterpret me on that this is not about oh anything is possible it's not what I'm saying at all with the growth mindset and that's not what Dweck is saying she says no but people with a growth mindset believe that their true potential is unknown it's unknowable that it's impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion toil and training so when you hear that like pop in the comments when you hear the difference and you hear Dweck's words what's coming up for you right now for me and I love the experience of I love the wording of this isn't about you know anyone can be anything this is like no our true potential actually isn't quantifiable it's something that we can continuously explore and expand and how freeing is that how freeing is that so okay so unknown says got it like to pride to do math oh sorry the private do math like considering it's a complex subject but thinking that like growth mindset then the person can perform any complex problem yeah exactly that says excitement oh where'd you go that I don't have the bounds I put on myself yes like yes taking a little bit of those yeah those chains those heavy weights that we apply to ourselves when we actually don't know our fullest potential we can't quantify it which means anything is possible it's kind of green Amanda says it feels open and like oh anything is possible just great words that's what I just said yeah Lisa growth mindset is about growth and expansion not about reaching a particular goal and I love love love that you said that love all y'all your contribution here is incredible so exactly this idea of honoring growth and expansion not setting limits on certain targets that you think you will achieve so if you want to run that marathon you're actually limiting yourself through growth and expansion you may actually do an ultra marathon that's a terrible example because I'm definitely not a runner but it was the first thing that came to my mind but this idea why say you want to lift five pounds and not experience what is possible with effort and passion you could be able to do so much more or that yoga studio that someone said they wanted to open what if it's not just a yoga studio but an entire holistic wellness space with lots of multiple integrated practitioners you know this idea of expansion what is possible when I take the limitations outside of me so thank you for that Karen and the importance of honoring failure well it's like you read my notes because we're gonna move into that okay so I want to dive into fixed and growth mindset a little bit more so in fixed mindset again people believe their basic qualities like intelligence capabilities talent are fixed it is what it is we make this assumption that our character and our creative ability or inability is static which means we can't change in any meaningful way Dweck and her team actually found that people with a fixed mindset see risk and effort as potential giveaways of their inadequacies revealing that they may come up short in some way okay so when we're operating in a fixed mindset we see that risk or having to effort ourselves as a possibility of being exposed it's very vulnerable because you don't know the outcome you might not succeed and so a lot of people in fixed mindset don't want to take the risk they don't want to put the effort in because they don't want to experience that gripping fear of failure and hands up if that is you I'm like my hand is so high and this doesn't operate in a hundred percent areas of our lives this could be something that we do in our workplace but we don't do in our family lives we might be a little more timid in our family dynamics and more confident in work it it varies we don't always have this across the board also thank you all for the support lots of hands I'm giving you a hands-free back yeah T vulnerability is scary because it feels life-threatening a growth mindset creates a passion for learning rather than a hunger for approval let me read that again because that's one of duke's like best lines a growth mindset creates a passion for learning rather than a hunger for approval like powerful stuff growth mindset is the conviction that human qualities like creative ability intelligence and relationship capacity like love and friendship can be cultivated through effort and deliberate practice people with a growth mindset are not discouraged by failure doesn't mean they're not afraid or feel or feel fear but they're not discouraged by that by it they see it as learning you can be brave and afraid at the same time okay growth mindset thrives on challenge and sees failure not as evidence of unintelligent but as necessary for growth expansion and stretching our abilities so making a mistake it's this opportunity to say it doesn't have any impact on me as a human being but what can I learn from this what can I discover what wasn't I seeing before that I can learn from this so that I can grow and expand the next time okay and that's where growth and mindset growth and fixed mindset differ okay okay okay so it's important just to mention that our two the two different mindsets are operating within us we aren't just solely one or solely the other to some level we operate on a spectrum with both okay so let me just read Tracy I think it's important to note though that failure has different repercussions for the marginalized fixed mindset becomes a way to survive absolutely and I really appreciate you bringing that up and another great segue we manifest our mindsets from a very early age based on our lived experience growing up how we were raised and reared in our families but also on other aspects in our environment so what kind of neighborhood did we live in Tracy it was like such a good thank you for that and I'm so glad that you spoke up so what kind of environment neighborhood did we live in what did we have access to were we in a position of privilege or did we experience oppression and marginalization okay so our mindsets operate in a spectrum and are largely shaped really early on based on qualities that we can't change about ourselves qualities that we've inherited and this can also link to Tracy's point intergenerational trauma so people passed that long gone you don't maybe know them but the trauma that community groups experience can be passed down and passed along and impact how your mindset is shaped and so thank you so much and hopefully I touched on that enough and Tracy feel free to add more about that for you if you feel comfortable but it's really important to note that you know we're we operate on a spectrum and events in our lives shape our mindsets does it mean that we're you know grounded to be in one mindset for the rest of our lives not necessarily but we have to understand all the factors that would impact or influence how our mindset is shaped okay so as you begin to understand fixed and growth mindset you will see how one thing leads to another how a belief that your qualities are carved in stone leads to a host of thoughts or actions or in actions and how a belief that your qualities can be cultivated leads to a host of different thoughts and actions so asking yourself right now where is my growth at right now okay sit with that question write it down in your journal where is my growth at right now what's your relationship with this idea of growth do you feel like growth is endless do you feel limited in your growth do you feel like there's an external force outside of you that's impacting your growth do you feel like you have your own resistance towards growth is growth scary to you is growth important to you so just reflecting that's like a lot of different ways to say the same question where is my growth at right now okay I'm just sitting with it you don't need to have the answer right now and there's no answer I'm looking for there's no right or wrong it's just what is true for you what is true for you so I want you to grab a blank piece of paper we're actually going to go through Carol Dweck's theory I know Brenda who's on the call is very visual and so am I and I don't have the capacity to share my screen at this point so I'm going to throw it out there if you want me to email you a personal copy of this visual you can follow my website link on insight timer and pop me an email say yes to the mindset image and I will send that to you so however many people are on this call I commit to you that I will email that to you if you pop me an email but we're gonna draw it out okay so we're gonna draw it out together in this space so we're 40 minutes in we have a lot to go so I really hope you stick with me but I do want to be mindful of the time okay we are gonna go over but this is important okay so on your piece of paper I want you to draw down the center so have your paper like in vertical there's my visual for you Brenda and you just want to draw a line down the circle okay so this is not you know hopefully too difficult we divide our paper into two vertical paths okay and not surprisingly on one side I want you to write fixed mindset and on the other side I want you to write growth so there's my chicken scratch we've labeled each side okay all right feel free to underline them if you like titles and subheadings I do I just underlined mine now my type a scholastic academic is coming out of me and different colored pens oh my gosh T you're like a soul soul friend that's hilarious okay so under fixed mindset so we're gonna spend time first on fixed mindset so I don't want anything in the growth nothing in the growth right now we're gonna spend all the time on the fixed so the first thing that you're going to write is intelligence or you can use creativity or capability but I'm sticking with intelligence is static okay so this idea that it's fixed it's carved in stone intelligence is static and then another little bullet point saying a desire to look smart okay so I'll show you what mine looks like no we'll write it wrong I've got intelligence is static a little bullet point a desire to look smart you can replace smart with a desire to look good smart good whatever word makes sense for you but this desire what's the motivating desire you want to look smart you want to look good okay so underneath you're gonna do a subheading so I'm gonna give you a word and you're gonna underline it because it's a subheading so you're gonna write the word challenges okay and this is gonna be the same heading across for growth mindset as well so mine just looks like this to show you I got challenges underlined okay so in a fixed mindset we typically avoid challenges so underneath challenges see if you can brainstorm one or two or more things that challenges that you avoid so maybe it's conflict in the workplace maybe it's having that difficult conversation with your child maybe it's asking for a promotion okay what's a challenge that you're currently facing that you might be avoiding maybe it's going for that job he says emails me too me too that red little how many emails you're missing is like the worst so I hear you okay and it's okay if you don't have something so that you can't get this wrong right now this is why I want you to write and take this away and sit with it because I'm asking you to do a lot so write down and it's okay if things don't come to mind all good it's all good oh Carly I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're feeling better okay so next book or the next subheading under challenges is obstacles okay and in a fixed mindset when we experience obstacles that maybe we were or weren't planning for we tend to give up easily nope I'm out not doing this okay so you can write that little statement beside obstacles give up easily okay and that's we all experience that we all experience when different obstacles obviously the obstacles I face are going to be different than what Carla faces that what as may faces but this idea of where do you give up and we all do this this is a very vulnerable feeling right now like oh I hate that I walked away from that or I hate that I gave up on that so quickly it's all good if you're feeling that let that be there we are all here together okay so I'll just show you what mine looks like so we've got challenges avoids challenges obstacles gives up easily okay and then just write free flow under obstacles are there any obstacles that you can think of or scenarios where you did give up easily so did you drop out of the race before you knew you could finish it what's the difference between giving up and letting things unfold so letting things unfold implies an acceptance of whatever it will be giving up is more motivated to move away from something uncomfortable okay so letting things unfold there's a general more acceptance to what is that just being with what is giving up is more like there's a fear of something happening so I'm just gonna give it up yeah it is hard to think about this it is hard yes I acknowledge that but you all came to show up for yourself today which is huge success so if this is hard in any way remember this doesn't have to be perfectly finished today this is something I want you to take away and think about ponder okay moving on under obstacles our next subheading is effort okay and in a fixed mindset we see effort as an indicator that we're not capable we see effort as fruitless we should be able to get it we should be able to know this we shouldn't have to put so much effort in this should come easily so under effort maybe jot down a few notes of things where you dislike that you have to put effort in a lot of the people I work with in terms of healing from trauma think you know the trauma may have happened a decade or two decades ago and they still get triggered I'm one of those people that still get triggered 27 going on 26 or 7 years later and that voice that fixed mindsets like well Megan you should be over it comes up real real loud okay so this is all we're all in this together this is hard stuff but my hope is that by diving into this that it can free up a little space for your 2021 that's my hope for you okay and the next subheading is criticism okay so in a fixed mindset when we hear useful constructive feedback we view it as threatening to ourselves we view it as critical we view it as and I'm not saying criticism I'm saying constructive feedback so if you get a performance review at work instead of thinking okay what are the areas that I could possibly grow and evolve in my role we're sitting with that performance review thinking they don't like me how dare they say that they do this all of these sides of ourselves come out okay that's in the fixed mindset and we all do this to some degree when someone comments on our performance in some capacity especially if it's delivered in a certain way we can all come into that fixed mindset pretty easily okay so that's fixed mindset and going to move over to the right side so growth mindset so we've got challenges obstacles effort criticism oops I left one subheading out the final subheading in fixed mindset is success of others and mine is like yours may look exactly like mine mine's pretty blank right now so I'm just writing it out challenges obstacles effort criticism success of others so in in a fixed mindset the success of other people or the perceived success of other people is seen as an indication of what you're lacking so there's a feeling of threat by the success of other people you internalize it as you're inadequate or deficient or not chosen or not enough and this operates on a spectrum we may feel that a little bit we may feel deeply in belief that we're inadequate okay so success of others is that final subheading how do you feel when people around you succeed are there certain types of people that you're genuinely happy for and generally support or are there and are there certain types of people who really it gets under your skin when they have yet another notch on their belt another success and get really honest with yourself you know are there certain types of people at work we all have different dynamics at work is there a certain type of personality that you you see as being more successful than you and you don't feel totally thrilled and super happy when success happens because you internalize it somehow in a way that you're lacking or deficient and this may be accurate in some capacity this may be completely far-off based you have Tracy comparison is a challenge and it's not going anywhere with social media and more and more opportunities for us to be connected virtually you know we typically see people's highlight real not always the challenging stuff so comparison is a challenge and comparison robs us of creativity for sure so I'll be totally honest you might see me here right now like I don't know yeah I did my hair today but totally wearing my pajama bottoms right now so like don't get this idea that I'm a certain way I got my I don't think I've left my pajama bottoms for days so I just want to share that it's a little bit of fun okay so now we've done that left side we're gonna move now to growth mindset okay so growth mindset at the top of the page so on fixed mindset I'm glad I made a few of you laugh fixed mindset we said intelligence is static now under growth mindset we say intelligence can be developed and if you don't like the word intelligence you can switch it up you can use creativity you can use capability ability relationships you can pick a word that is interchangeable with intelligence if that word is not what you want to use okay so intelligence is static is fixed intelligence can be developed is growth okay and then a little bullet point that says a desire to learn so fixed said a desire to look smart growth says a desire to learn okay so this is what my page looks like I got growth intelligence can be developed and a desire to learn so now we look at those five subheadings and think about the following so for challenges in a growth mindset we embrace challenges okay so I would just write that little phrase we embrace challenges and so think of a time in your life an experience where you were experiencing challenge and you embraced it does that mean you handled it perfectly or embraced it a hundred percent of the time no it means you try to see what can I learn from this okay and we all have that within us to some degree okay so with challenges in your life maybe think of a challenge you went through where you embraced it and maybe you embraced it ten years later then that's okay under obstacles now the little phrase is persist in the face of setbacks persist in the face of setback okay whereas in fixed mindset it was gives up forget it I'm not doing this I'm out I'll share another personal example it's too bad my partner is not here to agree but my partner is incredible at woodworking and renovations and oftentimes he'll want me to help around the house I laugh because anyway so I'll help with something and if I feel like I messed it up like if I put the nail gun and the nail gun like didn't work and maybe I put a nail into our brand new hardwood floor oops it's like I go into fixed mindset and I'm like no I'm not doing it because I look like I ruined something I'm out and that's a lighter example but I wanted to show you that fixed mindset whereas if I was in growth mindset I could say you know what show me demonstrate to me the technique on how I can do this and maybe can you watch me and let me know how I'm doing then I do it okay nope that was this that great how can I fix this so it's just a different way of looking at it so you persist even if you feel like they're setback that's a really light example but I wanted to give you one someone's asking how long this session is so it's an hour but I said at the very beginning that I'm gonna go over time so stay as long as you'd like you don't have to stay longer than the hour or if you need to go now that's totally fine too okay so we've done obstacles so fixed mindset says gives up easily growth mindset says persist in the face of setback so where in your life have you persisted in the face of setback I can tell all y'all here there's not one of us that hasn't had a setback in our life so just by sheer fact of being here together you've persisted in some way shape or form in your life so maybe write down a few of those times in your life where you have persisted maybe you had an illness and you didn't think you'd make it through and you damn well persisted and you're here right now okay so we've all persisted by the sheer fact that we're all here okay effort is the next one so in fixed mindset we see effort as frivolous or as an indicator that we're not capable in growth mindset we see effort as the path to mastery so effort as the path to mastery if you don't like the word mastery you can switch it out with growth you can switch it out with learning effort as the path to learning effort as the path to growth this is this is Dweck's model so I'm not you know I want to do her due diligence of sharing the model as it is but if the words are triggering for you or you don't like it switch it out it's all good so we see effort as the path to growth to expansion so we know we have to work at something okay so really think about what's your relationship with having to effort I know for myself when it comes to my healing journey when I get retriggered and I have to effort at healing it's really easy for me to fall into that fixed mindset at first and say you should be over this you should be able to do this and so it really takes that slowing down pausing and thinking about okay I gotta put the effort in here I gotta work at this I do this so it's tough it's tough okay next one is criticism so in fixed mindset criticism and feedback in general is seen as threatening to the individual criticism or feedback in a growth mindset is an opportunity to grow so we learn from feedback we grow from feedback Carla says sometimes I get triggered and don't want to put in the effort because I know someone will criticize me yeah and especially if that's been your experience Carla over time or that repetitive reinforcement of that's what happens when you put effort in of course that would be really triggering and really difficult and you know through this workshop see if there is a way that even if only for a breath you can shift your relationship with what effort means even in the face of somebody criticizing you can you still effort and know that what they're saying about you says more about them and less about you it's a tough one but yeah not alone in that I have my hand way up high for that okay and then success of others is the last one so in a fixed mindset we feel threatened by the success of others or feel like it says something about what we lack and success of others in growth mindset is finding lessons and inspiration in the success of others so this idea of when somebody succeeds or you see somebody that you know got that promotion or is in the job that maybe you see yourself in one day finding inspiration and the lesson of who that person is rather than thinking about what it says about you in terms of lack how can you be inspired so that is the model again for visual people I invite you to pop me an email you can go to my website through inside timer if you want this visual model that you can post somewhere and have it for you okay so we're at that one hour mark so I do want to honor if people need to leave I I'm gonna keep going but I do just want to say tremendous thank you for those that stuck it out this was deep diving this was stirring up some discomfort and helping us confront a few things so I'm just really grateful for those of you that do have to leave I just want to honor the time but I'm probably gonna spend I've got a lot of questions to share probably spend another 15 20 minutes okay okay so let me see what's going on Maria you have to leave but appreciate the info I'm so grateful that you're here thank you so much oh thank you Carla for donating just it's such a gift that you're here if you feel led to donate I'm truly humbled and honored and and please know that a portion of the donation does continue to support this platform so that it's free and accessible which I think is so important right now as we're you know in lockdown and mental health is a very big challenge right now so thank you everyone super humbled and honored my gosh okay so we've done the model and now we're going to go into a few more reflective questions so these are the journal questions that aren't questions that are necessarily going to be able to be answered right away but you may formulate a dialogue either with yourself or with a loved one about some of these questions as you think about how do I want 2021 to go so we're gonna go through some questions so the question I have which is based on the model is what is your relationship with having to effort at something Carla was so vulnerable and sharing sometimes she gets triggered because she knows if she puts effort in she's gonna hear it she's gonna hear a mouthful get some criticism and that's really tough so what's the relationship then to having to effort is it having this fear-based relationship like oh I know how this is gonna go it's gonna be uncomfortable you know what is the relationship do you think that effort is bad do you see effort as it meaning something about you in terms of what you lack or do you see effort as something that helps you move towards feeling intelligent or capable what's your relation with it so a lot of people are saying feeling frustrated or fearful Kim says also I know I'm just gonna get negative comments for my efforts and this idea of growth mindset is how do you shift into this belief about yourself that you are worthy of your effort no matter what anyone says about you and that's the challenge we're gonna talk about a few things that can help get you there okay this is not something we snap our fingers and all of a sudden we know how to do this is life work this is life work okay so that means we have to effort at it how ironic we have to effort at this okay so in duets research I just want to share some of that research some students were told she had two groups of students complete a task and two different conditions so a group one was told wow you got X many right that's a really good score you must be smart at this the second group did the same task and had the feedback wow you got X many right that's a really good score you must have worked really hard so you must be smart at this versus you must have worked really hard which one is the fixed mindset you must be smart at this or you must have worked really hard okay I'll give you the answer you must be smart as this or you must be smart at this is the fixed mindset cute so in other words some people were praised for ability and others were praised for effort okay so here's the findings so the group of students that were praised for their ability their smartness went right into the fixed mindset and showed all the signs of it when they were given a choice of doing a challenging new task that they could learn from they rejected it they didn't want to do anything that could expose that they weren't smart they didn't want to do anything that could expose their flaws and call into question their talent in contrast the students that were praised for their effort 90% of them wanted to take on the challenging new tasks that they could learn from so for anyone that's in a workspace or maybe in a management or leadership role this idea of how do you praise your team even parents how do you praise your children think about oh man I maybe could talk more about praising the effort or the journey that I'm seeing see how that goes it's hard it's really hard because in our society we also really place high value on things like achievement and medals and intelligence so it's it's really really difficult sometimes so that's some of the research okay so we talked about effort and our relationship to it next journal question what is your relationship with the experience of failure okay so think about a time in your life where you feel it was one of the biggest mistakes or failure failures that you have made okay and just be mindful a mistake is an outcome based on your action or inaction and not to be confused with something that you didn't get to choose okay so a trauma exposure that was not your fault you didn't get to choose it doesn't apply to this a failure or a mistake is based on a conscious set of actions or inaction that led to an outcome that you now think was an error a failure or a mistake okay we all have these we all have them and they operate in a spectrum so maybe right now don't think of like the core biggest one maybe think of something a little bit lighter if that's more comfortable for you think about so hopefully you're writing these down what does the inner critic say about you when thinking about this mistake or failure what's the dialogue that's happening okay so really thinking about when you think about that mistake and maybe it's the first time you're diving into it so you typically want to avoid thinking about it what does the inner critic say such a mess up or you're an epic XYZ like what's the inner dialogue should have known better yeah Brian big one I should have known better why bother Amanda I should know better yeah yeah so when you hear these words when you hear the voice saying you should have known better should have known better how did that statement hold you back so we see a lot of amazing incredible empathetic sharing and support for each other this these are not easy questions so super grateful for just all of you for upholding this space to share so think about that inner critic and how are the statements that you're telling yourself about yourself actually holding you back so if you're telling yourself oh Megan I should have you should have known better Megan you get some attitude in that voice because it's usually pretty nasty boys if I'm walking around with this as my top voice that I'm listening to you should have known better do you think that I'm going to be in growth mindset it's probably gonna be a lot harder or maybe you think somebody had mentioned I'm not worthy and maybe you don't take that next opportunity or don't ask for that next promotion because you're going back to what you made that mistake that you should have known better so you don't deserve that Tracy says the opportunity will never come around again you missed your shot yeah typically what our inner critic says really makes us want to hide makes us want to play small and shrink ourselves I can't believe you did that Megan you're afraid how people will see me yeah Jason exactly exactly so if we're afraid if we're operating with that veil of being afraid of what people are going to think about me or if only they knew about that mistake I made I wouldn't be where I am we walk around feeling fraudulent or feeling like if we get exposed we're somehow going to be unlovable yeah Joanna it translates back to this lack of worthiness and so thinking about all of this is fixed mindset by the way we create this belief about ourselves you should have known better is that fixed mindset and we shape our lives around this view we have of ourselves and it really pulls you out of your authenticity I'm not saying it necessarily pulls you out of success some people with lots of mistakes are highly successful I'm saying it pulls you out of your authenticity okay there's a big difference big difference okay so now I want you to shift for a moment and this may not be easy but that's why I want you to write it down so maybe something you have a little cup of coffee with tomorrow morning or the next day if only for today can you consider this in what ways can this mistake you made actually help enhance you or grow you how did it help you to become who you are today okay so in what ways did the mistake that you think is the biggest mistake you've ever made how has it helped improve or enhance you to who you are today and the knee-jerk reaction might be like no way no way but there is some thread some thread over what mistakes have happened that has actually been linked to your growth as a person so T says it forced me to grow in multiple ways awesome and sometimes so Amanda says became a little more compassionate and empathetic yeah yeah so I work with a lot of clients who believe that they are a mistake that it's so horrific trauma happened to them that it must be because they are a mistake somehow and the irony and this is the irony is I'm gonna go out on a limb and say a hundred percent or like 99% of the people that have had the privilege of walking along part of their healing journey with are typically in jobs or careers or professions where they have to hold tremendous space for people suffering or struggling it's wild like from veterans to nurses to birthing doulas to hospice workers to teachers like they're all in some kind of role where they have to extend compassion and empathy so back to your point Amanda like yeah that's what can happen as a result of the mistake so Tracy's been made self-aware yeah for sure for sure Jason says every time I gain life experience I can help someone else yeah totally totally I definitely see that in you know for sure okay so good job it's not always easy to flip that mindset because we view that failure or mistake from the space of inadequacy or lacking but see if you can if only for one breath that's my slogan if only for one breath more than before see if you can flip it to see well actually here's how I now show up because of that here's what I here's who I am now okay so now so we talked about mistake so we always like to end on a positive no so think about a time when you accomplished something that you previously didn't think you could okay think about a time when you accomplished something that you previously didn't think you could and I'm not talking about something that's linked to our society's view of like a trophy necessarily or you know a certificate of achievement think about even those small moments of wow I stood up for myself when somebody was treating me poorly or I stood up for my friend when I witnessed they were being bullied like what are those smaller accomplishments we don't always have to have it be this bright and shiny you know hundred percent thing it's like it can be those moments of I actually spoke up in a meeting today for the first time or yeah Tom being calm and patient when typically you would lose your temper like that is such an accomplishment such an accomplishment Dylan you've got to be in the hardest course you spent years dreading like that effing bee must have felt like a congressional medal of honor it's awesome Kim you asked someone politely to stop interrupting you yes such a huge accomplishment okay so I want you to shift your mindset growth mindset here to accomplishment think about a time you accomplish something that you previously didn't think you could so telling someone to stop interrupting setting a boundary right all these different things we view as meaningless but yeah Tracy I feel like we're on like same way like so funny so setting boundaries are things that we minimize so much for 2021 I want you to think about the accomplishments that are the the ones that we overlook Michelle you had a hard conversation with a partner you'd normally avoid damn write that down for 2021 that is so good shame stopped apologizing for everything I talked with a dear friend today about professional communication and how one of my mentors said to me Megan take out the word just in your writing so I'm just requesting and she said take out the word just so I'm requesting and it totally altered the assertiveness of my communication rather than kind of feeling this need to tiptoe around or or apologize for existing so very small adjustment that's an accomplishment that I previously didn't do the way I raised your son Tom is completely opposite of how I was raised that gives me goosebumps you rewrote your history it's beautiful share beautiful share oh my gosh I can stay forever okay I won't take up too much more of your time but we're talking about accomplishments now we always like to end on an uplifting note so as you see and hear and think about these accomplishments what are the feelings that surfaced about yourself and get honest is it something that you instantly felt really proud of or was that inner critics still there okay sometimes it's subtle what are the feelings that surfaced about yourself generally when we think about accomplishments we think well we should feel really good it's okay if you didn't but it's important to be aware of what were the feelings what was your inner dialogue saying so Kim who forget how you worded it you told someone to stop interrupting was your inner dialogue about you saying well way to go Kim giving you a self high five or was it like oh my god they're gonna hate me what are they thinking about me did they think that I'm rude what was your experience what was the inner dialogue doing even though you still did it what was true for you Kim you felt guilty for about a minute awesome I love that that's such a that's perfect so yeah so it's like we make these choices that we know are good for us but it doesn't mean they don't come without feelings of guilt or like a little should I have should I have done that or said that but we do it anyways so awesome yeah and then you felt proud good on you good on you in what ways did your accomplishment shrink you if at all or keep you small so this is my old lived experience so it's not I'm not generalizing by any stretch but as a woman then this is my own experience like I said so not everyone will agree with this not every woman will agree with this sometimes when I accomplish certain things I actually don't tell certain friends or certain people in my life because something gets stirred up with them in terms of success that causes friction so I'll hide I won't talk about my success or at least I didn't for a really long time and so I start started especially the pandemic can really bring out you know who's with you and who's not with you who are the people that I genuinely can own and honor my accomplishments with and who are the people that only want to hear what I've messed up or what am I being challenged with okay and that's not everyone's experience but it's mine I for a very long time for a very long time my in-laws had no idea I was even doing my PhD my own in-laws like really and then I was the one complaining that I've nobody knows me well in fixed mindset Megan yeah of course nobody knows you so step into it step into owning who you are so I had to learn that that was really tough and then with the accomplishments in what ways did it expand you or Dylan or only want to talk about their own experiences or success yeah there's not this reciprocity totally totally I hear you I hear you I hear you so now with the accomplishments in what ways did it expand you so I love Kim's example of telling someone to stop interrupting for about a minute she felt guilt and then felt really proud so thank you Kim also so now you thought I should do that more often so now there's this confidence that comes from you know what that wasn't so scary there's a way that I can gracefully and assertively tell someone to stop interrupting it doesn't mean anything about me whatever their reaction is awesome so in what ways did your accomplishment expand your growth there's lots of lots of examples okay so about five please stick with me five more minutes because we're getting the 2021 so back to our opening question what would you do if you weren't afraid okay keep that in mind let it percolate we don't have to have the answer in this moment but as you approach the new year I want you to or I invite you if I don't want I invite you to think about your mindset and where are you operating in fixed mindset and where are you operating in growth mindset you can learn so much you know we do operate in growth mindset in lots of places so maybe start there where do you currently you know welcome learning and welcome growth what are the things that you're passionate about and see is there any way that you can transfer one part of that into an area in your life where you're pretty fixed it doesn't have to be the whole shaman it can be that little tiny thread what's the little thread in 2021 that we can pull from our growth mindset into an area where we're fixed so the question I have for you as you approach 2021 is what change might you be resisting what growth what change what new way of being might you be resisting we're getting in fact how might you cultivate a growth mindset this year what does that look like for you who do you need to be how do you need to show up how do you need to show up when you're feeling like yourself and how do you need to show up when you're feeling triggered and how do you cultivate growth mindset it's not about opening the yoga studio tomorrow whoever said that but it can be about embodying in your mind and in your body the belief that that is possible to you rather than all the reasons why that might not work and that's a shift the shift doesn't have to mean sell all your things and go travel the growth mindset could be let me look into the next the first place that I would go to and see what options might be possible we start small growth mindset is not about you know eating a whole cup of ice cream we want to savor it one bite at a time or depending on the ice cream I guess so it's another questions for 2021 what makes you feel like yourself what are the things that you do what are the activities what are the things that you read what are the things that you are drawn to doing that make you you do you garden do you paint do you would work do you to music do you mix music are you photographer like what are the things that make you feel most like yourself how do you go bubble bath kind of person do you love nature there's a million different things it's impossible for me to list them all but I want you to really settle in over the next couple days before the new year thinking about what makes you feel the most like your self and what is it going to take to do more of the things that make you feel most like you know what are the small shifts that you need to make in your life to give yourself permission and see yourself as worthy my gosh you're so worthy of doing more of the things that you feel like yourself how will you remain compassionate and gentle with yourself when you catch yourself in the first mindset at the top and ask yourself oh when I notice it when I see that it's operating how am I going to be compassionate how am I going to be gentle and not add other layers of shame or judgment that's my final question and maybe you might feel comfortable putting this in the comments if you could think of the one word that represents the feeling that you want to embody for 2021 what would that word be so I'll say that again if you can think of the one word that represents the feeling that you want to embody for 2021 what would it be and it's okay if it doesn't come to mind right away but ponder that ponder that so I will end with my favorite quote by Theodore Roosevelt it's actually a recording I put on my teacher profile I changed it from the man in the arena to be person in the arena to be inclusive of all of all so that's this quote it's not the critic who counts not the person who points out how the strong person stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better the credit belongs to the person who is actually in the arena whose face is marked by dust and sweat and blood who strives valiantly who errs who comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming but who does actually strive to do the deeds who knows great enthusiasm and spends himself in a worthy cause who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst if they fail at least they fail while they're in greatly so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat so I want to thank each and every one of you for sticking it out with me thank you for allowing to go over I'll say maybe all of you are gone I don't know but I just want to thank you all
