503: Healing Family Trauma & Relationships |Michelle Wootten

In this episode, I’m joined by Adult Chair® Certified Coach Michelle Wootten for a practical, real-life conversation about the “how-to” of healing and staying grounded when life gets messy. We talk about generational trauma, setting boundaries with toxic family members, navigating grief when relationships change, and using the Adult Chair tools to strengthen communication in marriage.

Michelle shares her personal story of hitting a breaking point, how her body signaled it was time to stop, and what helped her begin healing from the inside out. You’ll also hear honest insights about going no contact with an adult child, holding grief and joy at the same time, and why trigger work is one of the most powerful paths to transformation.

Transcript

So, Welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show, Michelle Wooten. Hey. Thank you. Hello, Scorpio. I'm so happy. Yeah, The Scorpio sisters are here. I love it. The adult chair coaches have arrived. The Scorpio adult chair coaching sisters have arrived. Here we go. Thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate you being here. You're someone that definitely came to mind when I was thinking about, You know, I love when people are able to talk about how, You know, I was saying to you earlier, Like, I love talking about the how-to, And I think I love that because nobody ever, When I was going through my own journey of healing and transformation, People would say, Oh, You need to love yourself. You need to get better at that relationship. You need to blah, Blah, Blah. And it's like, But how? So I'm passionate about the how-to, To healing, To transformation, To getting unstuck, To changing your life, All the things. And that's why you're here today. And I'm thrilled to have you to talk about, We're going to talk about quite a few things from generational trauma to marriage stuff to even, You know, What do you do when you have difficult kids, Adult kids? So we're going to talk about that and you're going to help us understand what your journey has been like and how you apply the adult chair to your life to make true changes in your life and help you to live and stay in your adult chair. So thanks again for being here. Yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited to hear your story. And also I want to let everybody know you're one of our adult chair coaches, Which is so cool. Yeah. Yeah. It's exciting. So I love it. I, Yeah, I find it very fulfilling and I just love helping women or men, But typically women are my go-to. And so anyway, I really, Yeah, I really enjoy it. So, But anyway, I, I'm not sure what I've been thinking a lot about where to start with this. So I kind of thought I would start with how I met you in, In the adult chair at all. I was, So in the end of 2018, I started getting really sick and I couldn't hold things down. I was rapidly losing weight. I was, A lot of things were happening. Things were starting to deteriorate with my eldest son, Who is an adult. Things at work had become very toxic. They would change owners and it just was not a good situation. Something that had been a very great situation for me no longer was. And I was sick. And then my youngest child was getting ready to graduate high school. So I had all of this stuff going on and I was, They were testing me. I was going to every kind of endoscopy, You know, Whichever kind of tests they were running. And I was fine. My blood was fine. My health was fine. There was nothing wrong with me. Right. But I couldn't keep anything down. I couldn't do anything. And I, So in like February of 2019, I had a really rough day at work and I came home and I said to my husband, David, I said, I have to quit. I don't know what we're going to do. But I, For my sanity, I have to leave now. And he just held on to me and said, We'll figure it out. And that was it. And so the next day I quit and we figured it out. We downsized, We, You know, Did all these things. And during that journey, I thought, Okay, Well, If, If Western medicine doesn't know what's wrong with me and can't help me, Then I'm going to turn to Eastern medicine. And I have in my family, We're, I have a lot of people who do lots of natural things. And so it wasn't foreign to me. I'm a very also spiritual person. So I went on the search, I started doing yoga, I started doing meditation, I made it my mission to heal, To figure out what was wrong with me to kind of, You know, Get past this. And all the while, You know, Juggling everything else and trying to just manage the relationships in my life and the, And the, Everything else that we were going through, Right. With our child and his kids. And it was, It was a lot. And then COVID hit. And then I, So we found ourselves at home, Right. So I was doing different seminars and, And whatever. And I did an all day seminar. And I think it was with the shift network, But I'm not sure. And you were one of the speakers that day. And I had still been searching. So it might have, Whichever it was on. And I had been searching for just something that like resonated more with me. And when I was growing up, I was always very interested in psychology. And like I mentioned before, I'm very spiritual. I have a very, You know, I have, I just have a lot of things in my life that, That have happened that are not explainable. And so when I heard you speak, It just really resonated with me. So I joined the, It was the TAC membership at the time, I think, Or whatever. We had the monthly, You know, Things. And so from that, I started growing, Doing the boundary course, Doing the, All the courses, Right. And just learning about myself and about the things that I had, The masks that I had put up and to protect, You know, The little Michelle that didn't get the, You know, The attention or the whatever that she needed, Right. Got whatever wrong message. You know, I always like to think of it now, Like we have this beautiful little baby puzzle, You know, That gets put on the table when we're born and, You know, Somebody accidentally dropped something on it and a piece goes flying off under the couch and somebody drops something else and a piece goes under the bed and, You know, And then we patch it, Right. Because we still want our puzzle. So we patch it with all these things, All these masks. Some people it's anger, Some people it's people pleasing, You know. And we sort of cover it and to try and build that puzzle because we want this puzzle complete all the time. And, You know, And so I started to think of it with doing this journey, Like, Okay, I got to go shine some light on finding my puzzle piece. Like, Is it under the couch? Is it under the cushion? And man, When you get triggers, You know, Like it comes up and it's like, Hello. There it is. And I realized that there was a lot of love that my little Michelle needed, Right? There was a lot of attention that she needed that nobody else was going to give her. And except for me, That was, It's an inside job. And so I, Whenever your coaching thing came up and I thought, You know, You were always saying, Go with your intuition. And for me, It was a hell yeah. I had no idea why I had a career. I had a, You know, There was nothing in me that was like, Hey, You should be this. But when I sat with it, That was the answer for me. And so I was like, Absolutely. So I talked to David and he was like, Okay, Are you sure you want to do this? Okay. I mean, He's such a good guy. And so then I really, When I, When we went to the retreat, The camp, And I had a lot of breakthrough meditations and I mean, That's a very, You know, Intensive camps like that are always just an amazing time for transformation and healing. And I know there's been a lot of really big movement from childhood traumas and things with through guided meditations. I'm a firm believer in that. And working with your inner child through those guided meditations. I mean, You have a bunch of great ones on the, I do them with my clients as well. Powerful, Like really powerful stuff. So powerful to shift things. And I remember one of the first ones I did at camp and it was. When you're talking about camp, You're talking about the coaching certification. But it was at like a retreat. We were going to be sort of like a camp. I don't know what camp are you talking about. I know. Okay, Go ahead. I do remember the meditation that we did and the coaching cert. And this is a few years ago. It was for the inner child and the whole house was crying. Like everybody was crying. Yeah, It was powerful. And I realized so many things in that moment. And I found my inner child, Like, You know, And for me, Luckily I'm, I have a very vivid imagination. And so I have this picture of this four-year-old little girl wanting her dad's attention, You know, With her red socks on. And so that is who I worked with. And now, You know, I'm found with different triggers that I've had. I worked with all my, All the different ages of Michelle and, You know, And I'm sure there's still more that I'll find in there. But, But I just, For me, I've done lots of different therapies through the years and different modalities. And for me, This is the one that has shifted stuff to where I no longer focus on it or even think about it. Like I've had meditations and practices with journaling where I've, There was something that happened in my childhood that I would literally think about every single day, Almost every minute. Right. And, And definitely in circumstances, After I did cord cutting meditation around that, I haven't thought about it almost at all. Wow. I love that because it's an energy. It's an energy. And it was so powerful, The attachment that I had to my dad in that situation with, And it was such a cleansing thing for me to move on from that situation. And so I just, I'm just a firm believer in that, You know, You have that, Like I said, That it's an inside job and you, Nobody could have done that for me. Nobody could have, You know, I was luckily guided. I did one of your beautiful meditations and then I found another one online that I did and I did two of them. Cause I was like, That was amazing. I want to make sure that all this. Everything's been cut. Yeah. I found an even longer one and I, You know, It's, And I've recommended it to clients since because it's very powerful. The inner child ones, The core kind of ones, Anything, Anywhere that you can heal your inner self and turn towards that. And I think that's such a big statement you just made. You know, When we are wanting to feel better, To get unstuck, To change our lives, We have to learn to turn inward. And the answer is not out there. It's in here. Always, Always, Always, Always, Always. I've tried. We've all tried to go out there. Let me go out there and do the thing outside of self. But it always comes back to self. Right. We're looking for answers and we're looking for somebody else to. To make it better. Really? Like give me the Advil so I can feel better and or whatever it might be. The glass of wine, The, Let me go watch a movie for an, And it's all fine to do those things. I am the first to say there are many times where I'm like, I know I feel bad. We can make choices like that from our adult chair, By the way. It's more of a conscious choice. So it's like, I know I feel bad. I will, I'm going to work on this. I don't feel like doing it right now. And I'm going to go watch this movie for an hour and a half and then I'll maybe work on it tomorrow. That's our adult. But it's, We have to recognize it's conscious. People oftentimes think the adult chair is like, Oh, I'm perfect. I'm Zen. Nothing's bothering me. Life is no. It's living consciously and it's living with fact and truth in the moment and not putting anything under the rug, Sweeping under the rug or burying it under the carpet or whatever it is. It's just acknowledging. So we can just, Just be conscious. Put it that way. Yeah, Very much so. And I, And then practicing it like in everyday life, Like what does that look like for now? Right. And so for me very quickly, I recognized the sicknesses and the things that I had directly connected with a lot of the things that I had been shoving down. Right. I had been, I'm a, I am by nature because of my filters, People pleaser. Right. So I had been doing everything, Working 50, 60 hours at a toxic, In a toxic environment, Taking care of the kids, Fighting with our son. You know, We, Our life was overwhelmed with stress and heartache and pain. And I was just shoving it down. I'm fine. I can get it done. Let's have a party. Let's, What are we going to do for Sydney's graduation? Right. Like, I mean, You know, Like that was my mode of like, Let's just power through it. And then my body was like, No, No, We, You are not going to power through this time where you are full stop. We're dealing with it. Just so I speak with people about this all the time, Michelle, I'm so glad you brought that up because it wasn't like you had an argument with your son or you worked 50 hours or 60 or 70 hours. And all of a sudden you had pain or you suddenly couldn't keep anything down. What people have to remember is when the physical manifestation hits the body, It's not one time. It's like it builds like the emotional dysregulation, The nervous system, Dysregulation, The lack of attuning to self, Whatever it might be. It builds over time, Time, Time. You would go on and on. And all of a sudden we have something like we can't keep food down. It's like, Well, Where did that, What's happening? Right, Right. I've been able to eat anything my whole life. And now all of a sudden I can't eat anything. Yeah. No, It's, But it's not all of it. I mean, It is all of a sudden, But yet I've been a people pleaser for all these years. And I've been putting myself last all these years. So yes, It's the body saying, I can't do this anymore. I'm trying to hold you together. I'm trying to keep you in balance. I cannot do it. Cannot do it. Yeah. All right. So then what happened next? So then I, With all of the journey through the adult chair, I have learned how to say no, Use my boundaries. I've learned to also know what's mine and what isn't. To do and to fix, You know, When I talk about, We have, I have a son who's 33 and we have had a lot of struggles with him for years. He moved out at 17. I mean, It's been, It's been a lot of things through the years with him. And for a long time, That was one of those other things, Right? I can fix it. It's my fault. It's my, I say X, Y, Z, And it's going to make him do this. It's going to change his behavior. And it was always hinging on him doing what I needed him to do to show me. Right. And it's this back and forth, This pull. And what I've realized is that one, It's not my fault. Right. And that's, You know, It's so hard. And especially even with the inner child work. Right. Because we're looking at our wounds from our parents or others. And so then as a mom, Right, Like what wounds did I inflict on him? For sure. There were some. Right. Yeah. However, I had to look at what was truth and fact about what was my reality. What was my part in those things? Right. Versus what his truth and fact is. Right. And right now, Unfortunately, That are, Those are world apart. Right. And that's something that with that work, I had to learn how to set boundaries with him because he's a very, Can be a very toxic person. And that's hard to said that with your own child. Right. Because as a mom, You want nothing more than to love your kid and love their kids and to be in their life and to have a relationship. You know, I have two other kids that are younger and I have that with them. Like we have this close bond, You know, Bond and relationship. And you want that with all of your kids. Right. And that's, So that, That was a lot of my journey in actually, When I was in the coaching program, Most of my fellow coaching, You know. The cohort. The cohort. Yeah. Because we coached each other. A lot of that was around my feelings and my, What was I going to do? My boundary setting? How was I going to stand up to this person I gave birth to and say, No, That's not okay for you to treat me like that. No, It's not okay for you to, You know, Behave in such a manner that is dangerous to all of us. Right. And I cannot and will not be part of it. And that's, That is, It was a long journey to be able to say that and to be able to, You know, To also grieve the reality of that. Right. Because. That's such an important part too, Michelle. The grief of what I thought I was going to have with this individual and anyone that's listening can plug in that person, Whether it's one of your children or anybody else. But that's such an important step that a lot of people don't do. So we get lost in the suffering of it. And the grieving process is such a necessary part of the whole process of setting that boundary with someone like that. It really is. And I, I realize it more and more, Especially because of the phase of life that we're now going through, Right? We have aging parents and my, My youngest daughter is now going to have a baby. And with that, With all these sorrows of aging parents and joys of, You know, New babies and all these things, It brings up. All of that. All of it. Right. Yeah. Heartache and the, You know, Well, He can't be part of this. We can't, You know, Because now he's alienated his entire family, Right? Not just his parents. And so it's, It's a hard thing to navigate. So I find myself even just, You know, Recently I was grieving like crazy. I was in a horrible mood and I had no idea why. And I had to go and sit with it and be like, Michelle, What is this about? What is wrong with you? What, What is it? Said, Take some deep breaths. Like, What are, You know, The things that I tell my clients to do, Right? Breathing, Journaling, Whatever. And really it turned out, I had just found out my daughter is pregnant and expecting and I have two granddaughters from my eldest son that I'll, I have never met. And so, Right. That is so, And the youngest one was born on my daughter's birthday. It's like, I had all of this sorrow and grief come up again that I felt like I had grieved, Right? Cause I had, I had grieved. I had, You know, All of that. But that doesn't mean then all of a sudden when you have these joys, Then, You know, It brings up that. And so I think, You know, We so many times when it, When our journeys to be like very linear and they're not right. It's, They're so messy. And I've learned like the word and is one of my favorite. Oh, Me too. I love it. You don't need the word, But anymore, Like let's just insert. Yeah. I really try and use that in my vocabulary more because it's true, Right? Both of those things are true. I have a couple of granddaughters that I don't know when I'll see if at all. And it's also true that I'm going to have a brand baby. That's just a few minutes down the road. Right. And so there is tremendous grief and there's tremendous joy and both of those things are true now. And now I can hold both of those things at the same time because I, I can work through that. I don't have to try and push down the grief anymore. I can feel it right. Instead of like planning and another thing or whatever to, You know, To ignore that, That is that it even exists. I can say, Wow, That really sucks. It's true. Yeah, It does. You know, And, And, But you know, It's his path. It's my path. I don't know why. So if someone's listening and they're going through a similar situation where maybe they have to, They're realizing, Okay, I just can't have a relationship with this person and it's painful, Like, Or I'm scared and I don't know how to end that. Or do I end that? Or whether it's a child, A parent, A sister, A friend, A whomever, Any words of wisdom around that you can impart for someone listening that might be in this similar situation. I would say with our journey through it, It took a lot of working through our triggers around it and figuring out what our part was in it. And I saved that hour because it was my husband and I very much going through it. Yeah, Yeah, For sure. And honestly, My entire family. And so I would say really looking at truth and fact as much as you can. Like in these messages and voicemails between our son, There was so much that was untrue and is untrue. And so I would look at it and say, Okay, Is there any truth or fact in this? Is there any, What can I take out of this? Was I a perfect mom? Hell no. No. Right? Absolutely not. I will own the things I did. However, Did I do this? Absolutely not. Right? So I had to separate out what things were mine and what things weren't. And also I think I started to, Because I'm very spiritual and I also am a science nerd, I got in, I started to understand more about genetics and generational trauma and generational patterns and things of that nature. And so that also I think helps, Especially when it's a family member that's tightly related, Right? That you're related to in some way, It helps you to realize, To sort of tease it away and to separate out that person from the feeling and from the emotion and from the, Okay, Well, This is my kid, So I'm supposed to X, Y, Z. Right? Right. I can look at it more like, Okay, This is his path. This is my path. What grandfather's genes are coming through him that I need to help heal in me so that my granddaughters don't find a man like that. That is so powerful what you just said. What patterns in me can I, I'm going to use my words, I don't remember your exact words, But what can I look at within myself so I can heal that for my granddaughters? Because here's the thing that people need to realize. When we do our own personal work, We're affecting seven generations in front of us and seven generations behind us. We're in the quantum field when we're doing our personal work. Everybody knows that knows me. I think that listens to me, Knows I love triggers. Triggers are a gift. I've said it for 12 years now, Like triggers are a gift. And when we do our trigger work and we have a trigger course coming out, And I think two months, I'm going to put that thing out. We've got to learn how to do our trigger work because it is the most deeply healing thing we can do for ourselves and others. Yeah. Yeah. I firmly believe that. And I, I see it so much in the women of my family, Right? I have, My grandmothers were both in very toxic relationships in different ways. And my mother was as well, A couple of them in different ways. And she was very adamant when my sister and I were growing up that we were going to break that pattern, Right? We were never going to have a man abuse us, Never going to have him, Right? Never going to have somebody do these things. And that's not to say that we didn't have terrible relationships. My sister was in an awful relationship and we had our share of things. But ultimately that work that my mom did on herself, Getting away and standing up and raising us on her own because she was damned if she was going to have a man be around us that way. And, You know, And her doing that and then having, Letting us, We both, My sister and I both have girls now and we, Lori and I, My sister, We didn't always feel like we had a voice, But you know what? Our girls, They haven't felt like that. Right. It's changing in the pattern. And so they use their voice. They're not afraid to use their voice. They, So it's, You know, You slowly see it changing through the generations and just healing that and saying, You know what? No, We women are going to stand together and we're going to change this pattern in our family so that our women and our men don't have to suffer like this anymore. Don't have to follow these patterns that are toxic. And, You know, And just unhealthy, Just not necessary either. Yeah. And unconscious, By the way. I mean, You're handed these things unconsciously and then we take them on unconsciously. I love that. So yeah, Healing generational trauma. So you did that through doing your trigger work, Would you say? Yeah, I would say a lot of it is through trigger work. There again, Journaling, Meditation. I'm a very spiritual person, Like I keep saying. And oftentimes when I do these guided meditations, My grandmothers are there. Yeah. And very powerful. I think in large part, That's why the work becomes so powerful because I feel like I call on them to help with that, Right? Whenever that is. And it's, And so I do, I think working on those triggers and figuring out, You know, It's so funny because when you get triggered by something, You think it's because, You know, Your husband said whatever, X, Y, Z to you. But in reality, It's because you wanted your dad to look at you and say, Hey, Honey, You're adorable today. Yeah, Exactly. Exactly. And it's like, You don't, And your dad's never going to come back and say that to that little girl in those red socks, Right? So that's your work to do and, You know, Or your journey, I guess. I like to try and get away from the word work too. I know. You know I say that. I'm tired of calling it work. I don't want to call it work. But yeah, It's part of your journey to do exactly what you said. Like it's, We've got to look inward instead of blaming that person outside of us and say, Hold on a second, This person is triggering me. What is this about for me? It's illuminating something actually really amazing inside of you. It's like a flashlight. And without that trigger, We might not be able to see that, That unconscious limiting belief that we have. Yeah. And we discover like, Wow, I always wanted my dad to say I looked adorable and he never did. And what do you know? My husband just reflected that. That's my work to do. Yeah. Right. Right. That's my work to do. And I, And that's, Yeah, That's my little light to shine on my sweet little angel inside, You know, And that's, And that's one of the biggest reasons why I love this because I love kids and I love light and love. And so for me, That really resonates with the inner child work because that's really what it's about, Right? It's about showing yourself that love that you missed. And by no fault of parents, Right? Like shit happens. Like life happens. We do it all the time unconsciously. We don't mean to do the things we do. Sometimes people are horrible, Right? That's true. But that's not always true, Right? Your dad thought you were adorable. He just didn't say it, Right? Right. And whatever, Maybe, You know, He had a million other things going on, Right? As a, As an adult, You can reflect on that and realize sometimes that your parents were in their own world of, You know, This is their first time on the planet too. And so, Or maybe, Maybe not. I don't know actually. This is the first time right now with you at the moment. Yeah. In the moment. In this go round, I guess. Right. But, But anyway, I do think that, You know, That it is a beautiful way to heal those wounds and also to give you the strength to set boundaries then when you have those toxic relationships that are even in your own family, You know? And so I would say, You know, Finding out, Yeah, Absolutely. Like what your truth is in that and what kind of relationship you're willing to have with that person. I mean, That's a big question. It's like, Yes, We can, You know, Are you willing to see them at Christmas barbecue or put up next to some barbecue, But you know, Yeah. Christmas dinner, Whatever brunch, Whatever, Or, Or is it beyond that? Right. Like with our son, It is beyond that. Like it at this point, I hope in the future that will change at some point with maybe, You know. Another important word there. I hope things could change in the can change in the future. But for right now, What's healthiest for us is no contact. Yeah, That's not an easy thing to say. I mean, Not at all. So no, Not at all. It's not. It's not. And it's, You know, Just like people getting out of toxic relationships romantically or otherwise, It's never easy. There's grief and there's sorrow, But there's also joy and power, Right? I know that as a mom, I am giving my attention to my children who are, Who need it, Right? And want it. For so many years, Our attention went to the other one who probably needs it too. I'm not saying that he doesn't need it. I'm just saying that sometimes you get so focused on the negative relationships that it sucks the world, The light out of all your other relationships. And so you have to think, Okay, Well, Is that cost worth it? Right. And that's, That's a hard, It's, It is a hard, It's a hard journey, But it's and one I'm still on. Oh, Yeah. You know, I mean, Who knows what's going to happen for him and for us? I mean, That's, You know. We always hope for the best. You just never know. And you can't cling to that. You let that go. You hope for the best. Always, Always, Always for sure. Yeah. All right. Let's pivot before we end here. And the last thing that we, That you mentioned, Which I loved was that you really improved your relationship with your husband using the adult chair. Tell us about that a little bit. How did you do it and all the things? Yeah. So one of the things when I started the journey, Um, Just meeting you and doing the courses, I would talk about it all the time. We were home COVID, Right? So my other two adult children would hear about all the things. And David, You know, And so we were always, You know, And then when I went through the program, They were there supporting me. My kids, Friends were gracious and helped, You know, Let me coach them and different things. You know, It was, It was a really great situation. So they were very familiar with the adult chair and all the work that I was doing. And I even helped them work through some things before I was ever even a coach. Yeah. And then when you decided to do your relationship reset, I, I just said to David, I was like, You know, You and I, We've been together 30 years and we are both people pleasers and we love, Love and adore. We're crazy about each other. And because of that, There sometimes, Especially back before we took the relationship reset course, We were, We would get in this pattern of being afraid to hurt the other one's feelings at times. And then you end up hurting the other one's feelings. Yes, Exactly. You're so afraid of, You know, Whatever. And yeah, Just trampling on the other person's feelings that you end up doing that, Or then becoming so upset that you then blow up and do something that you don't even mean to say or do because you aren't communicating, You aren't saying your needs. And so it was a big, It was a big shift for us. And we are communicators. We're best friends. We love to talk to one another. And so it really taught us, For one, Our attachment styles, Because we went into that. And that was huge for us because we are very differently attached. Yeah, Yeah. And attachment, I am, I'm avoidant attached, Right? So those two combinations are really, Can be really difficult together, Right? Because I get more avoidant, He gets more anxious. Oh, Yeah. Whoa. So now we've learned, He's learned to say, I'm, It's not about you, I just need a moment. And he's learned to ask me, Hey, You know, Do we need to talk about this? Is this something, You know, Do you need me to just hold space for you? Do you need me, Whatever it is? And then to not get in his head and get anxious and worried about it. And then, Because what that would do would, He would then put that on me, Which would then make my anxiety go crazy because he's an external processor, I'm an internal processor, Right? Those are the things that we had to learn about each other. And after 29 years, At that point, He would have thought we would have known those things, But we didn't. But we don't talk about those things either. No, We don't. That is, That is something that keeps coming up is that people, I'm wondering about if people are internal or external. And because we will go after our partner, Not go after them, But like, Be like, Why aren't you talking to me? What's going on? Why, You know, Whatever. And if that, If your partner is not an external processor, They're going to feel like they're being henpecked. Like, Stop asking me. I'm fine. It's like, No, You're not fine. Why are you talking to me? So yeah, Good point right there. And it was really that, I think, Especially in the beginning of our marriage in different times, If anything would rear up, That was it, Right? It was, He would be going, What, What is it? What is it? And I'm like, Leave me alone, Leave me alone, Retreat, Retreat. And, You know, And now we can, You know, And even before the class a little bit, Because we were both healing and, You know, And we're both advocates of going to therapy when you need it and all of those things. So I think that all of those are great, But this, But that course was just so powerful for us to learn how to, To realize, For one, People pleasing is not necessarily being nice. Yeah. Either. Right. It can actually be a negative thing. Right. And so learning that asking for your needs is not a bad thing either. Right. And just also learning that your triggers are yours and his triggers are his. Yes. Right. Yes. And it's not your job to fix someone else's triggers, By the way. No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No. You don't fix anyone else's. It's not to say we're cold. It's not to say we shut that other person down, But don't take the responsibility on, Of helping someone feel better if they're triggered. Yeah. If that makes sense. It's not that I won't say, Hey, Are you okay? But I'm not going to continue to sweep up someone else's mess. I'm like, I got, I so get it now. Yeah. It's such an opportunity. Yeah. Now that we have that language to talk about it too. And it's so funny because he always says when he triggers me now he makes a joke and he says, Michelle always says, You know, It's serving up on a silver platter, Your triggers. So you're welcome. I love that. But I remember when I was teaching it live and people would ask questions and well, Why is so-and-so, You know, My partner did this or didn't do this or blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. And I would say, Well, Did you talk to them about it? And they would be like, What? No, Like, No. And I realized, And I'm so glad, Grateful for that course actually, Because. I didn't speak well with Graham even like I had to learn like, Well, I got to speak up for my needs and my wants and my desires. And if I'm not okay, It's also my job to share with them. I'm not okay. I'm going through a rough time today or I'm feeling anxious. It's not you. It's like, We need to learn how to better communicate. And that's the whole reason I designed that course. Because I thought, Oh, This is really needed. We don't know who the heck has taught this stuff. Right. Nobody. Nobody. And then, You know, You come like I grew up with a single mom. Like, So. Right. So you didn't even see two people have a healthy relationship. Exactly. Yeah. Right. So it's like, You know, And then he saw he grew up in a house where his parents were married their whole life, You know, And so but but his dad was an alcoholic. Right. So, Yeah, He would avoid that, Which is so funny that this dawned on me. He would avoid things by drinking that I'm sure was a trigger for David for years. If I would try to avoid things. It's like, Why are you avoiding it? Yes, Of course. Now we've just learned that. Well, For one, We we set aside a safe space to talk so that it's not just we're not just talking about stressors and whatever, But we're also talking about, Like, The health of our relationship. And and that's important. And my needs and his needs like he's the person I love most. Why would I not want to make sure that I'm communicating and meeting his needs and him meeting mine in those? Yeah. I don't think, Again, We're taught. I was certainly was not. And after all the people I've worked with, We're not taught how to do these things. We're not taught how to create a space once a week or once every other week where you're sitting down with your partner and you're checking in and checking in does not mean fixing when the other person speaks up. It's like you really got to check in and share how we're feeling. Then all of a sudden, Out of the blue, We don't say, Oh, I'm done. And it's like, Wait, What? Why? Why? I've been happy in years. Well, You haven't told me. I can't adjust. We can't fix it if we don't talk about it. I love that you were able to gain so much around learning how to communicate, Of course, Your attachment styles, All the things. So important. Love that. It's really been. Interestingly, Too, Is so much of what we did in that course was additional personal work, Right? Of course. I had to mask them out on my own, But that really set up David's journey on his, Even more so, Into the coaching. Now he sees one of our coaches all the time. Oh, Awesome. And it set off his own personal journey. And right now, Like I mentioned earlier, We have aging parents. His mom lives across the street. And it's that time, And it's hard. That is a really hard time in life. And so he and his sisters are going through so much relationship-wise with their mom and everything else. And so having a coach to help guide them has been life-changing for them. And I don't know that their relationships would have survived this time if it weren't for that. And the takeaway here is, Certainly, I don't want this to sound like an adult chair promotion by any means. Like, It's a coaching promotion. That's not it. I would hope the takeaway here is, Go find someone to talk to, Whether, I don't care, Great, If you want to choose an adult chair coach, Great. Or go find another coach or a therapist. But please don't go through life suffering alone. We all need people. I have two different, Wait, I'm trying to think, Two or three different mentors that I work with on a regular basis. We need help. I want someone to always uplift me, Always to see my stuff when I can't see it, Someone to help me when I'm down, Someone to shift my perspective when I'm in a smaller perspective. Like, We need other humans to help us walk this very long journey called life. And that doesn't mean we're bad or broken or we should be ashamed about it. It's actually really empowering. I love myself so much more, Like myself more now. Life is, Quote unquote, Easier when we have all these great tools, Again, That we learn along the way. Michelle, This was so great. Thank you so much. I love that you're benefiting so much from this work. And again, I asked my coaches, Is there anyone that would like to talk about their journey with the adult chair? With the book coming out, We're getting a lot of questions coming in around, Well, How do I use it with this and how do I use it with that? And I'm like, I'm going to have some coaches on so you guys can talk about how you're using this model in your own life. So thank you. I'm really happy to hear how much. And again, This isn't something that we use once and never use again. This is like integrated in who we are and we become people that, After you read the book, That's of course my hope, Is that people then just become ingrained with this model and you don't ever put it down. Right. It's like a practice. I say that all the time. It's like if you're learning an instrument or you're learning how to play a sport, Right? You practice. And so that's what, You know, It's meditation, Yoga, The adult chair, Right? Going inner work. It's all just a practice. And the more we do it, The better we get at it and the less difficult it becomes. Yes, It is. I really do feel like, Again, Not that I don't get triggered because I still get triggered, Not nearly as much, Right? Do you find that too? Absolutely. Yeah. It's so funny and I very quickly then can recognize what the trigger is and that it's not about the person who I'm mad about. Isn't that hysterical? I think that's been one of the best things with the relationship thing with David and I is that that's it for both of us. When we are triggered, We immediately know it's not about that other person and that, Okay, Well, What is it? And sometimes we help each other through whatever that trigger is and we try to help navigate what that is because now we have the language to do that. So, Yeah, It's really powerful and it is ongoing. Yeah, Definitely ongoing. So, Anyway. Trigger work is some of the most powerful work we can do. It really helps us to transform our lives, No doubt about it. Yeah. Okay. Thanks so much for being on and thank you for all the work that you're doing in the world and I'm so glad to hear how much the adult chair is ingrained in who you are and that it's so beneficial and healing in your own life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

Reviews

This was incredibly helpful to listen to - very validating. Thank you so much! 🙏🏻