There was a time when I was lost in you,
Intoxicated by your ways,
Your words,
Your touch,
Your everything.
A puppet in your play,
Rehearsing a script that wasn't even mine.
Surrendered to a power outside me,
Stripped down,
Naked,
Yet awakened.
Controlled by your spell of love.
Caught in your web of seduction,
The lines blurred where I started and you ended.
The tension within growing,
Knowing and maybe even liking the feeling of losing myself.
A ride like no other,
Bringing me both farther away and closer to myself.
Emotional whiplash,
An open parenthesis,
A run-on sentence,
Unpunctuated and grammatically wild.
Desperately seeking the period to end the looping.
What is this dimension I am spinning in?
Completely mesmerized by you,
Your pretend promises of togetherness and us,
Of we and later,
Of sacred and safe,
Of I love you.
A dream I still dream,
A desire I still desire.
I will not give up on me,
On the vision,
On my worth.
The raindrops collect on the web,
Loosening the captured grip that once held me happily captive.
I start to feel again,
Stretching my gaze past the web,
My eyes seeing again.
Hearing the sounds outside my head,
My heart beats again.
For me,
Not you anymore,
The spell is breaking.
Sober to the other reality,
No longer lost in fantasy,
Just lost in the wishing and wanting to do it all over again.
To have all the firsts get me drunk,
Lost in time,
Time is lost.
Having something I always wanted and wanting something I can never have.
Again,
The strings of the puppet start to break.
As I fall to the ground,
The truth is revealed.
Acting the part becomes harder and harder,
My inner voice becomes louder and louder.
I tried to knot it back up,
To patch it and fix it,
Push it under the rug.
For now,
For later,
For when I feel strong enough to stand on my own.
Instead,
A moment of clarity,
Or maybe a moment of bravery.
A moment nonetheless took over me.
I cut the strings not knowing if I could withstand the pain,
The gravity,
The fear of being on the stage alone again.
But something is different now.
I am not drunk on you.
I see through the curtain.
I see the me that is real.
I see the you that is not.
I see why I must let go.
And go.
Forward.
Towards what is calling me.
Forward.
Towards what wants me.
Forward.
Towards the next version of me.
Because I will not lose myself for you.
I will not lose myself for you.
I will not lose myself for you or for anyone.
The spell is broken.
But I am not.
