Letting Go Of The Pressure To Be A Good Caregiver

Caregiving can come with a lot of pressure to be good, to get it right, and to do enough.

In this dharma talk, we explore where that pressure comes from, and what begins to shift when we start to let go of the identity behind it.

This track is from a Live Event on Insight Timer.

Transcript

The inspiration for doing a Dharma talk about caregiving really did come from our last Sangha meeting, Which was a month ago, Because I of course have been back in the States caregiving for my mom's partner. I've been going back and forth right now. And Janine, I believe it was you that had brought up the question in the last Dharma talk, Kind of maybe talking about caregiving and spiritual practice, Yet was you kind of how we're integrating these. And then there were several comments that came in of other people wanting to address this. And so that was really the inspiration for realizing, Yeah, We should do a Dharma talk on caregiving, Of really integrating caregiving, Really looking at caregiving through the lens of Buddhist wisdom and compassion teachings of through our spiritual practice. So I do feel I do have some experience in caregiving just in the last few years. Last year, Full-time being with my mom, Caregiving. And then in the last year, Going back and forth, Caring for Maria, Her partner. Right now it's part-time, It is going to eventually turn into full-time again. So I do feel I have a good understanding of a lot of the challenges we face as caregivers. There's a lot of highs, There's a lot of lows, There's also a lot of loneliness, There's a lot of isolation of being the caregiver. And it is a lot. It's a lot for one person to take on. And I do want to just acknowledge that right now, Because I think, And maybe it's been the last 50, 60 years or so, Caregiving has really taken on a much different role to how it was for most of humanity when families were much closer together, Communities were much more tightly knit. And so caregiving was really spread out amongst many people. And yet now the way families are really all over the place, Kind of very dispersed amongst a country or around the world, Communities aren't as tight as they used to be. The caregiving role does tend to fall on just one person. And often it can be, Maybe that person has, They're geographically the closest to the person that needs help, They might have the most flexibility in their job. But of course, There does have to also be a willingness for that person to want to take on this role to care for someone. Because it is a big sacrifice. It's a big sacrifice. We sacrifice our time, Right? We're putting a lot of the things that we're typically doing on hold, Time away from our family, Maybe time away from our pets, Time away from our career. It can be a big expense. If we're traveling back and forth, If you're driving, If you're flying back and forth, It can be a big expense in being in taking on this role. And it is just a lot for one person to take on. And so I do, I see this a lot where, When we tend to take on a lot of something and something like this, Where there is a lot of responsibility, One of the first things that tends to go or that we tend to abandon most quickly can be our spiritual practice. It can feel like it's a bit of a luxury that we don't really have the time for it anymore. We can't really see how spiritual practice is really fitting into this because we're getting spread so thin. But if we think about, As we were considering taking on this role as a caregiver, We knew the need was there. Maybe we've been asked, Or maybe it was just in our own minds. We realized there's a need there. I want to step up. I want to be the caregiver. As we were thinking about it, As we were coming to that decision, We were really touching something very deep in our hearts. We were really thinking about, Yes, The sacrifice that's going to take, But that we also want to care for this person that we love. We want to be there for them. And it is a great act of compassion when we make this decision. And so it really is our spiritual practice that helps to nurture this act of compassion, To nurture these seeds of compassion within us, To help us meet the day-to-day realities of caregiving for someone that we love. Because there are a lot of challenges inherent in doing this. We're doing it under very imperfect conditions. Most of us didn't train for this. We're learning as we go. There's a lot of trial and error. And we're doing this under a lot of, There's a lot of anxiety, A lot of stress, Just from the person that we're caring for. I mean, When we consider what they're going through, They're losing their ability to do basic functions to maybe prepare their meals or to shower, To bathe, To get around. They can't drive anymore. They're losing cognitive functioning, Not able to handle maybe simple banking tasks that before they wouldn't have thought twice about. And so there's a lot of vulnerability that the person that we are caring for, That they are experiencing a lot of fear, A lot of anxiety. And so while there are a lot of moments of tenderness, Of care, Of connection, There are also a lot of moments of disappointment and frustration and depletion and exhaustion. And so it really is our spiritual practice that helps us meet these moments, That we bring compassion and wisdom to these moments, To that moment of frustration, Which is a very normal human emotion, Right? And very, Very normal, Very common in caregiving. We have these moments. And when we can recognize that this is a normal experience, This is a normal part of this, Right? And we can breathe mindfully and feel what's here, Or maybe just bring in some self-compassion, Which I do find self-compassion being one of the most accessible practices to us when we are in this role as the caregiver, That we can just acknowledge, Hey, Sweetheart, This is really tough. We go, Yeah, This is tough, Right? We're not denying that it's a difficult situation. We're not denying that there was the conditions came together and there was a little bit of stress. Yeah. But we're not running away from it either, Because we need to keep, We don't want to keep getting our emotions stuck. We don't want to keep stacking one on top of the other. We need to keep having our emotions flowing through us, Moving through us, Acknowledging them, Feeling them, Having kindness towards what's happening, So that we can allow these emotions to keep moving through us, So that we have the capacity to meet each moment as it is. Or when we have that moment where we're exhausted, It's the end of the day, And we were just running and running and running, And we're trying to keep everything under control, And it's exhausting sometimes, And it's depleting. And it's really easy in those moments to feel like we're the only one in the world going through this, Where the sense of isolation, The sense of loneliness can really build in us. And one of my favorite self-compassion phrases here, Right, To help us come to meet this moment, Just like me, Millions of caregivers around the world are feeling lonely. Just like me, Millions of caregivers around the world are feeling exhausted, Are feeling isolated, Are feeling frustrated. Fill in the blank, You're not alone. And in this way, We remember, Yeah, This is a part of caregiving. It's not abnormal to have these thoughts, It's not abnormal to have these feelings, But it's how we respond to these feelings, Whether we, If we come to them with compassion, Which continues to nurture that initial seed of compassion that we said in the beginning, I want to do this, That initial spark of compassion that wanted to meet the moment of caregiving. And so now using self-compassion, Using mindfulness to help us continue to nurture the compassion inside of us, Not to feed into the judgment and the resentment that can easily build in those moments, But to nurture compassion instead. And so all of us that have been in this role of caregiving, Or maybe you're not in the role, But maybe you've given this advice and we've all heard it, What we really need is self-care, Right? This is what everyone tells us, You need to look after yourself, Right? You need to, To make sure that you're eating healthy, That you're getting exercise, That you're getting fresh air of just how important this is for us to be looking after ourselves. And this is so easily one of the places that can go so fast because we're just, We're struggling. And I will just share this because I have some quantitative information to back this up. Last year, Or I guess at the end of 24, When my mother first got sick and her and Maria were down here in Mexico, So they, They for the last five years have been spending the winters down here with me. And when my mother got sick, We all went back to the States. And we thought it would just be for a short time. We thought she just needed a surgery and I was just going to go back to help them with that. Very quickly, We found out she had cancer and there were a lot of complications and she was in the hospital a lot with infections. And I have to admit, My eating went out the door, Out the window. I was eating horribly, Living on Diet Coke and french fries. And, And we had decided around that I would go back home for a week in the middle of March, Because I did need to get a few more things. I didn't realize how long I was going to be there. We realized this is going to be, I'm going to be here for a much longer period of time. And I also myself had a bunch of medical appointments that I had put off. And so I had a lot of blood, Taking on my blood, Mammograms, All of those things. So I came back to Mexico for a week, Did all my tests, Went back to the States, And then I was having a Zoom with my doctor. And she's pulling up my blood panel and she does it year by year. So you can always see what the previous year's results were. And she's looking at it, She's like, Your blood panel is just terrible. Your triglycerides are up, Your, Your bad cholesterol's up, Your good cholesterol's down, Your protein's down. She's like, This is, You know, She knew what was going on, But she's like, You got to get a grip on this. And it was good to be able to see that, Like, Oh my god, I, I hadn't really felt it so much, Because I think we're moving, Especially in the beginning, So much on adrenaline. I hadn't realized kind of what I was doing to my system. And, And so I did make that shift at that time, Like, Yeah, I do have to start eating better. And I also need to start taking time to go outside to exercise. And I did start doing that. I started just saying every day, Like, Okay, I just got to take an hour, An hour and a half, I've got to go get some exercise, Some fresh air. And I still do that to this day with Maria, She knows, When I'm there, I'm there for her. But I need an hour, Hour and a half each day to go outside to go to the gym, To, To have that time for myself, Because it is, It is also an act of compassion, When we acknowledge that we do need to, To care for our own health, That we do need to make sure that we prioritize it as well. And we'll just add, I did my blood work a couple months ago, And everything is right back to where it used to be. So, Which is also good to see that you can spring back pretty quickly, If you, If you don't let it get too far. So, So self care, Really supporting us emotionally, Physically, Of course, Our well being, Hugely, Hugely important. And really, The main bit of advice that I see everyone talking about, Whether it's healthcare workers that are talking to us, You can read it in articles, Our friends will call and say, Don't forget to take care of yourself, Hugely important in supporting us. But if we want to truly get to the root of what is driving our suffering, What is driving the heaviness, The stress in caregiving, And looking at this through the Buddhist lens, Through the Buddhist wisdom teachings, That truly what is driving a lot of the suffering, A lot of the stress is our clinging to this idea, This image, That I have to be the good caregiver. And that in being the, In fact, That the only way I can be okay, Is if I am the good caregiver. And while I think it is a good intention that we all have, We want to be the good caregiver, I'm not criticizing that, Of course, We want to be the good caregiver, We want to do our best. But if we are clinging to the idea that I have to be the good caregiver, Then we are bringing in suffering. And I don't think that we realize to the degree, The amount of stress and suffering that comes through that clinging. Because of course, Everything, If that's what we believe, I can only be okay, If I'm the good caregiver, Then every part of my experience is getting filtered through that. And now I need to try and control all the situations, I need to control outcomes, I need to control how all of these situations are reflecting back on me. Right? So in all of this controlling, Creating a great deal of tension, A great deal of disappointment, A great deal of stress, A great deal of suffering, And so I'm not criticizing any of us for wanting to be the good caregiver, Because of course, It's a natural intention wanting to be the good caregiver. So this isn't to judge ourselves for wanting to be the good caregiver, Not to criticize ourselves for it. And to also just to be open to the potential that we are doing this. Because maybe for some of you, This is maybe the first time you're hearing something along these lines. For those of you that have been coming to my classes, You know, This is, From a Buddhist perspective, This is the root of our suffering, Right? Clinging to these identities, These images of ourselves. And you won't hear this. The nurse practitioner, The PT person that comes to the house isn't going to talk to you about this. And so this might be a new idea, Kind of a new way of looking at this. And so before any pushing back on it, What I would just ask is to just be open to the possibility that this might be true. To be able to see this for yourself, Because the clinging to these identities, To these images, Is so deeply embedded in our psyche. It's so ingrained in us that we just, We don't even see it. We're not even aware of it because it is so deeply embedded in us. And so this is for each of us to see if this is true or not. So when we have these moments, These moments where we got a little challenged, We got a little stressed, We got a little frustrated, And maybe we snapped at the person that we're caring for. Maybe we weren't particularly kind in that moment. And of course, That's a reality of day-to-day living in caregiving, Right? These are imperfect conditions, These things happen. And it's so quick, So quick, The immediate blowback that we have to ourselves of feeling badly about ourselves. Oh my God, I'm such a horrible person, I'm such a bad caregiver, Right? And instead of acknowledging in that moment, Like, Oh, This was a moment, The conditions arose, Not my finest moment, Maybe an apology is needed. We really get stuck in this story now of being such a bad person, Such a bad caregiver. And maybe even in that moment, Or maybe a little bit later, It's time for us to have our break, Maybe there's someone coming to relieve you for a bit. And it's time for you to go have a walk outside. And while this is your moment to really care for yourself, To really refresh, To allow yourself to refuel, Instead, The story just starts to get bigger and bigger. We get irritated because why didn't they do this? Why didn't they listen to me the first time? We start wanting to blame them. We start wanting to blame other people, We start wanting to blame our family. Why aren't they stepping up and helping? I'm the only one here doing this, Right? So again, Starting to build this more into resentment, More into judgment, Because we're so disappointed in ourselves, We're so upset with ourselves in that moment. We're looking everywhere for the problem, Except for where it really is. Oh, I can't stand to see myself as the bad caregiver. That is the problem. And even in that recognition of that, Right, And then hopefully, Because maybe we're planting a seed here today, Right, That it comes up and you're like, Is this, Is this what Meredith was talking about? Is this, I was attached to the good caregiver and therefore I can't stand to be the bad caregiver? Maybe this is it. And so we can recognize it in that moment, Right? Or just even, It doesn't have to be so much that language, But it can just be that disappointment in ourselves. But now we're getting to, Yes, That's what's really driving this right now. I'm disappointed in myself. And the moment that we start to recognize what it is that's really going on, And using the acronym RAIN that I talk about all the time, And I'll just kind of lightly go through it because I know we talk about this a lot, But in that, That recognizing, Ah, Here's the disappointment in myself. Here's the, Here's the, Not the clinging so much of the good care, Good caregiver, But it's, Oh, It's the resistance, It's the aversion to the bad caregiver. Because the good caregiver and the bad caregiver, Two sides of the same coin, Can't have one without the other. So in that recognition and then, And then the A in RAIN allowing the feelings like really being with what's here. Now we're opening to what's here. Now we're meeting the moment. Okay. The feelings are real. The story is not, The feelings are real. And as we breathe and we allow ourselves to feel what's here, And we start to feel a little more grounded, Then we can get to the I in RAIN, The inquiring, What else is here? Because there's more in there. I'm feeling like I'm, I'm not, I'm falling behind. I feel like I'm not showing up as best I could. I feel like this is bigger than me. Yeah, Acknowledge all of those feelings. Acknowledge them in a way that allows them to come in. So you can be with them in a way that is nurturing, Right? Because every time we welcome one of those feelings in and we breathe in and we allow it to be here, That is nurturing. It's giving our attention to what's here. And then we start to feel more grounded. We start to feel more uh, At ease because we realized the problem wasn't so much that I snapped. I mean, I may need to go back and apologize, Probably do. But the problem is that I was so attached to being the good caregiver that then in that moment, That difficult moment of not measuring up to who I thought I needed to be to be okay, I really spiraled. So it sets us up because there's no chance in caregiving that we are not going to have these difficult moments. And it sets us up for so much despair, So much suffering. But every time we get to the real root of the problem, Oh, It was my clinging to the good caregiver. There's such a sense of freedom, Of openness, Because it's like, Oh, That's the problem. It's not the conditions. There's going to be tough conditions. We know that. But the conditions come and then they go and they come and they go. And the more that we bring our practice to it, Right? Acknowledging, Yeah, This is an imperfect situation. Each of us is learning as we go. It's not easy. So the more that we're able to meet each moment as it is and allow the feelings to move through us, Because there is another emotion coming right around the next corner. And so we don't want to be filled up with the last thing that just happened. We want to keep letting these things move through us. That is bringing compassion and wisdom to our practice. It's nurturing that seed of compassion that started us off on wanting to be a caregiver. And it is the wisdom to recognize, Yeah, I should not get attached to the good caregiver. So even in those moments when everything is going smoothly, Everything went great that day, And all of your actions, Everything was just really harmonious and flowing. And you were right there to ease their comfort and to take care of things. And everything goes beautifully. And we have those days. But instead of them thinking at the end of the day, Oh, I'm such a good caregiver, Right? We know the trap of that. We know the trap. We don't feed into the attachment of feeding into the idea that I'm a good caregiver. We recognize it. And we go, No, Let me feel. Let me feel this in my heart. The conditions arose in a way today that they were really good. And we need to savor those moments. We need to appreciate those moments. We need to really let our hearts open to what's here. And you can feel there is such a difference when we recognize it was this were conditions. All the conditions came together. And the actions that were performed here really seemed to be beneficial and helpful. But it was countless conditions coming together. And you can really sense there is a spaciousness in that. There is an openness in that. But if it's me, The good caregiver, Now I'm clinging to me, The good caregiver. We also know what happens there. As I'm thinking about myself as a good caregiver, Then I also start to remember, Oh, Hang on. There was something I did back there. That doesn't really seem like I was the good caregiver there, Right? Eventually, We will find something that doesn't match up to this. Because no one can live up to being the good caregiver all the time, The perfect caregiver. The conditions are going to change. They always do. And they change so quickly. In caregiving, It is just there are so many intense emotions that are happening in here, So much fear, So much anxiety, Just so much happening. We go from a tender moment, A connecting moment, To a stressful moment, To a fearful moment, To a mundane moment, Back to a frustrating moment, Back to a caring moment, Right? It's just, It's constantly, Constantly changing at such a fast pace. And so our practice is really to meet each moment as it is, Not how we think things should be, And not being measured through this lens of, Am I measuring up? Am I being enough in this moment? Taking ourselves out of it so that we can meet each moment as it is. That when it is a tender moment, A moment of connection, A moment of kindness, That we are truly there, We are open, We're present, We're here, We're acknowledging those moments. We really want to acknowledge those to feel them deeply. And when it's a challenging moment, When we've made a mistake, When we're having a disagreement with the person we're trying to care for, When we're in those difficult moments, To also meet those moments with wisdom, With compassion, To be open, To be present, To be here with what's here, To open and feel what's here. Right? So instead of clinging to the good image and then constantly trying to push back on the bad image, We're opening to what's here and we're allowing our emotions to keep flowing through us, Not allowing anything to stick. Of course, Having them stay as long as they need to stay, And the more that you are truly with them, And you are truly saying it's okay to feel this, Not with our fingers crossed behind our back, Like I'll let you in for a minute if you go in two minutes, Like no, As long as it needs to be here. And the more that we do this, The more easily our emotions do go through us, Because we're less tied to the story, Less caught up in the clinging and the aversion, And we're more here, We're more able to meet what it is that's here, Realistically, The highs and the lows. And I would argue that the less attached we are to being a good caregiver, The better we are at being caregivers. Because there is such a weight, Such a heaviness, So much tension, So much control in trying to be something that we are never going to be able to to get to and stay. There was so much stress involved in that. And so when we are unburdened by the weight of that, Right, We have a greater capacity to be here with each moment, To be with the challenges, To be with the fear, To be with the vulnerability that we're feeling, And that also the person we're caring for is feeling. Because there are a lot of challenges here. A lot of hope with maybe meeting in one doctor's appointment and a lot of disappointment when we find out there's nothing more they can do. Or when someone really is having that moment where they realize they are facing their death, Or they're in such pain. And in that moment, If we're so concerned about, I've got to fix this because I've got to be the good caregiver, I've got to have the right thing to say, We're not meeting the moment. We're not meeting it. But when we're not attached to that idea of being the good caregiver, The identity of it, We're able to meet it with honesty, To truly be there. It doesn't mean we know what to say. Often we don't know what to say. We didn't train for this. We're learning this as we go. And no one wants to hear our sermons in that moment. Well, Let me tell you, The Buddha's teaching here. My mother didn't want to hear it, That's for sure. And it wasn't appropriate, Wasn't the right gift for her in that moment. But many times it's just to be able to sit there with the person and just to let this news come in. Let it settle, Give it a little bit of time. But to not turn away from it, Not to turn away from the discomfort of it, But to be there with it, To be open to it. And maybe it's just a touch. Maybe we're just touching their forearm, Their hand, Kind of bringing our hand across their face, Just letting them know we're here, But that we don't need to try and fix this, That we can give people the space, That we can allow ourselves to just sit there in the not knowing what to say in this situation, But to not turn away from it either. Because it's not about us. It's not about us. And we want to be able to meet each moment. And it's challenging. A lot of these moments are really challenging. And the more that we cling to the good caregiver, The harder we make it for ourselves and the harder we make it for the person we're trying to care for. So, To be the good caregiver, Really, We need to let go of the idea of being one. That, Yeah, We do our best in each moment. We do our best and we really just try to meet each moment as it is. Honestly, Being open, Really authentically coming to each moment, And then meeting the next moment, And then meeting the next moment, And meeting the next moment again. And when we screw up, And when we make a mistake, And when we snap at someone and we just, We have that inevitable moment. We remember our practice, Self-compassion, Forgiveness. And we begin again. And we begin again. And we begin again. And we begin again. Because beginning again is the foundation of our practice. And every time we begin again, We are bringing compassion and wisdom to ourselves. We're nurturing the compassion and wisdom, Those seeds of compassion and wisdom within us. So, When the conditions arise that we have taken on the role of caregiving, I would suggest that we don't abandon our spiritual practice. That, In fact, We see that caregiving is our practice. And our practice is what supports the caregiving. And so, I'm not suggesting that we have to add on a lot of time, A lot of extra time for this, Because I know time is limited. There's no question about that. But if we can even just do, If you can just add on a few minutes in the morning, Five minutes, Maybe wake up five minutes earlier, And still even lying in bed, I'll give you every condition possible to make this happen. Still even just use five minutes, You're lying in bed, Just put your hand on your heart. And just even maybe setting that intention, You know, Today, I'm going to let go of the idea of the good caregiver. I'm going to let go of the idea of being the good caregiver, The identity, The image. I'm going to do my best to meet each moment as it is. And I'm going to have self compassion for myself, Because this is hard. So, You're planting some seeds, And you just breathe into that, Right? So, It's just five minutes. And that really plants the seeds to help you throughout the day to be more mindful, To have self compassion. And at the end of the day, When you go back to bed, When you're lying in bed, Put your hands on your heart. So good to just connect to our hearts in that way. And find whatever moments of connection were there during the day and really try to savor those in your heart. Really try to, It might have been a very quick moment that you were moving very quickly, And you didn't notice it so much during the day, But now you're able to reflect and remember this shared connection you're having with another human being, Helping them when they're in one of their most vulnerable states. And to keep bringing that into your heart to remember that, To keep nurturing the seeds of compassion that started us on this journey, That started us on this path of helping another human being, To keep using our practices to support and nurture that compassion. So, To nurture that compassion, To benefit ourselves, To benefit the person that we're caring for, And really to benefit all living beings. Every one of these acts of compassion is like a little seed that's just going out there into the