Letting Go Is Choosing You

Sometimes we fall in love with our perceived potential of someone… we don’t want to acknowledge who they truly are. Of course there will be the mess to clean up the tangled and complicated act of deconstructing a relationship. You're heart has already been broken so many times. This is not an easy decision to make, Should you stay or cut bait and run? Staying may seem easier, but in the long-run, is it? Have you tried everything? Or have you stayed too long. Your boat is sinking... what will you do?

Transcript

Hi,

My name is Karen.

A while ago I created a meditation dealing with choosing to let someone go.

I wanted to talk a little bit about that before we meditate.

The right decision is often the hard decision.

I think that most of us realize that the right choice is to leave.

So why is it that so many of us choose to stay?

First,

The decision is not easy,

And that's for many reasons.

Sometimes we fall in love with our perceived potential of someone.

We don't want to acknowledge who they truly are.

Of course,

There will be the mess to clean up,

The tangled and complicated act of deconstructing a relationship,

Financial repercussions,

Separating assets,

Debts,

Social fallout.

What if they are children?

Your heart will break for them as well.

But staying in a relationship that no longer serves you may cost more in the long run.

Ask yourself this,

What is your happiness worth?

What is your sense of self-worth?

What is your sense of peace worth?

This is hard,

I know.

You'll wonder if you've tried everything,

Or did you stay too long?

Will you be able to restart this part of your life?

What will your family and friends say?

Who will you lose when everyone starts choosing loyalties?

It's really hard not knowing how things will turn out.

But I'd like to use an analogy to hopefully help you to better understand the place in which you currently find yourself.

I want you to imagine that your relationship,

Every aspect that binds you each together,

Is a boat,

And you've noticed that this boat is sinking.

You're struggling with what to do.

Now some people will choose to pretend that the boat isn't sinking.

They will cling to the boat,

Denying the rising water,

Choosing to go down with the ship.

The fact that you're struggling right now suggests that you are aware that your boat is in some considerable distress.

You may wonder if you can repair the sinking boat,

Just enough to patch it up,

Trying to keep it afloat,

Until the next day,

And the next day,

All the while the boat is sinking faster than you can repair it.

You may look to your partner and beg or demand their assistance in patching the boat.

Of course,

If they wanted to,

Ask yourself this,

Wouldn't they already be doing that if they thought the boat should or could be saved?

Right.

Some people will spend time yelling at the crew,

Telling them how they failed to step up or do the right thing,

All the while the boat is sinking.

Have you ever found any benefit in repairing something as a result of blaming how it happened?

Right.

If a snake bites you,

Is it more important to establish whose fault it is,

The snake or yours,

Or should you get to a hospital for the antivenom?

Right.

And there are some people who,

Seeing that their boat is sinking,

Will grab whatever they can and jump into the unknown,

In the hopes of somehow getting to safety.

Here's something to consider.

This boat didn't start sinking yesterday,

Nor is this the first time that you have considered leaving.

There has probably been at least one tough conversation had.

So,

And this is going to sound really hard,

You have been threatening to grab what you can for a while now,

And your boat is still sinking.

The hard thing is this.

What you may not want to acknowledge is that no matter how slowly you walk away,

They are never going to try to stop you.

That hurts,

I know.

You see,

If they wanted to,

They would have done it already.

But they didn't.

They are not coming.

So,

If your boat is sinking,

What will you choose to do?

Will you choose you,

Or an idea that you're tethered to?

So,

I thought I would offer this meditation,

Speaking perhaps more directly to self-love,

Ultimately being able to make a choice that supports and honors you.

It's time to choose you.

Before we begin,

I just want to point something out.

Making the hard choice doesn't mean that the hurt will stop,

But the hurt will change.

Sometimes we need to be reminded of that.

Letting someone go is an ongoing process.

You will grieve this.

You will grieve it a thousand times in a thousand different ways.

Finding their old t-shirt that got stuck somehow behind the dryer.

Buying their favorite coffee out of habit,

And crying when you drink it.

Letting someone go is making the decision to choose you.

And while you may have got into the habit of deferring to another person,

Their wants,

Their needs,

They're not coming for you.

Whatever you've thought about while listening to this,

I want to say that it's all going to be okay,

But it's going to be different.

So,

If you'd like to join me,

Find a place where you feel safe and won't be disturbed.

You can sit or lay down,

Whatever is most comfortable.

Eyes can be opened or closed.

If your eyes are open,

Soften your gaze.

Let's check in and see how it is that you've arrived today.

First,

Acknowledge any thoughts.

Yes,

Your thoughts are likely very difficult right now.

You're having a hard time letting the constant battering of thoughts go.

So,

Just acknowledge that.

You're struggling right now.

And notice your heart space.

Yes,

Your heart hurts so much right now.

And you feel overwhelmed with doubt,

Disappointment,

Guilt,

Grief,

Resentment,

Such great sorrow.

There is so much pain here.

And so,

Just acknowledge that your heart is hurting very badly.

Acknowledge that you are struggling right now.

Now,

Notice any sensations in your body.

Sometimes,

It's hard to know where the pain begins and ends when you're heartbroken.

It may be difficult to breathe.

It may feel like you're carrying such a heavy weight on your shoulders.

It is exhausting.

Acknowledge that you are struggling right now.

Here are some things you might want to consider.

People will always show you who they are.

They may say one thing,

But their actions will show you who they truly are.

You see,

If they wanted it,

They would have done it,

But they didn't.

You'll wonder if you fought hard enough or fought for it for too long.

And the struggle here is that in your bones,

You know that you are the only one fighting.

You see,

If they wanted it,

They would have done it,

But they didn't.

Love chooses to meet the needs of that which is loved.

Love feeds,

Nurtures.

Love is not meager.

Love is meant to fill you up.

It is meant to allow you to feel safe.

Love is at all times respectful and kind.

And love would not let you be hurt.

Love would choose you.

You see,

If they wanted it,

They would have done it.

They didn't.

You must never beg for love.

Never feel the need to justify your value or worth,

Certainly not to someone who you love,

Who loves you.

You must let something go to make space for something better,

And you do deserve better.

What is causing you to question whether to stay or go means that your needs are not being met.

You are not hard to love.

You are not too demanding.

You deserve to be loved in the way that you need to be loved,

Completely and without condition.

You never wanted to be in this place,

But here you are.

You hoped for something so different than this.

You thought they wanted it,

Too.

You saw forever,

And they saw for now.

I think everything happens for a reason.

Not every love is meant to last.

And maybe there was love at one point,

But the love changed somewhere along the way.

You see,

If they wanted it,

They would have done it.

They didn't.

And so,

Whatever it is you're fighting for,

It no longer exists.

They've chosen to do less,

Offer less,

Support less,

Be less.

All relationships need at least two equally committed partners working toward an agreed-upon path,

A path that supports each other's dreams,

Holds hope for each other,

A path that is kind and compassionate.

Perhaps at one time that was so,

But the landscape has changed.

You see,

If they wanted it,

They would have done it.

They didn't.

What they are able or willing to give will never be enough.

Scraps of love are cruel.

You deserve to feast on love,

To be surrounded by it,

To be enveloped by love.

And you deserve to know that whatever you bring to the table will be reciprocated.

That is love.

Yes,

Love ebbs and flows,

But as the water is rising up,

What will you do with this?

It's obvious that you're in so much pain.

You can see it.

And so can they.

You see,

If they wanted it,

They would have done it.

But they didn't.

That's not love.

You have so many doubts now about all of this.

You're going to feel this whether you stay or go.

And the effects will be life-changing.

Who did they show themselves to be?

If you remain in this unequal,

Unanswered reality,

You will lose even more of yourself.

And so as you ruminate on whether to stay or go,

Remember how truly amazing you are,

And that within you there is still a spark.

Ask yourself if it's time to rekindle that spark,

That wonder and joy.

You are not hard to love.

You are amazing.

You are not broken.

This relationship is,

But you are not broken.

You are hurt.

You will begin to heal when you choose you.

Not all things are meant to last.

All things happen for a reason.

Perhaps your paths cross to remind you that your first love must be you.

It doesn't matter what I think,

But I believe it's time to choose you.

How long will you choose to live in this pain?

How long will you condemn yourself to exist in this residual and persistent pain that has become the nature of your relationship?

Right now,

Your hurt is raw,

But all the pieces are there.

You can pick them up.

You can create your future.

It's time for you to choose.

Choose you.

Choose this beautiful,

Messy life.

It is beautiful and confusing and sometimes heartbreaking.

Let go.

Know that you deserve more.

Remember this moment,

The moment when you chose you.

I wish you so much love.

May you be well and safe and free,

As is the right of all beings,

As is your right.

Namaste.

Reviews

This is really what I needed to solidify my decision. Thank you!!! 🙏🏾

Dear Karen, I was called to your page and this contemplation practice today. It's been a long time, IT friend! I replaced the partner for "family of origin" during this talk and it hit me exactly where it was needed most. There is so much clarity and hope here, something family scapegoats rarely experience. Validation of what love is, and isn't. Validation of the truth that people show you who they are by how they treat you, not by the curated words of false affection. The imagery here of the boat and choosing me- it's powerful. Thank you so much for sharing your gifts and reassurance of a life beyond the pain.

Mahalo💛💜💛 I needed this now! Right now. You are a blessing.

This one, this one was it, i mean all of the one's I've listened to by you have been great but this one was what I needed right now i am so greatful.