The Selves Inside Series - The Pleaser

In this Selves Inside I talk about that part within many of us we could call the Pleaser. The Pleaser wants the approval of others more than anything else. When the Pleaser is running the show, we will often forfeit our own vision, wisdom or well-being so as to not endanger the positive view others have of us. I discuss how we can detect the Pleaser in action, embrace it with awareness and begin to get some space from it.

Transcript

Welcome to the Selves Inside You series. In this talk I want to talk about what we often in parts work called the Pleaser. The Pleaser. The Pleaser is that part of us that habitually and without really looking into or understanding why does things for people. Puts their needs in front of ours. The Pleaser is modifying our behavior so that we will be what? That's part of the investigation. Is it that we want to be seen positively? We want to be safe? We want to be loved? Maybe those are the three essential categories. It may be that this arises as a strategy when we are very young. We want attention, Positive reflection from the parental figures around us and we figure out that one way to do that is to do the thing that will make someone happy. We instinctively notice what we could say or how we could act that would win approval and get us a smile. So these strategies may start when we are very very young and they can become more sophisticated as we get older. We may choose a career path to please others. The Pleaser could have gotten us all of this school debt. The Pleaser may choose a partner based on what we think mom or dad, Whether living or not, Would have really liked. So the Pleaser, While it's only one part of us, Is a potent part in that the Pleaser crowds out the rest of us that may have a different response to people. In a way I'm talking about a sense of authenticity. When the Pleaser is what lives through us and is making our choices, Something in us feels off about that. We aren't really honoring our desires. We aren't really bringing our own vision of things to the table. We aren't really being honest because what we're doing and what we're saying is coming from this place of wanting the other to be happy. So how do we begin to work with the Pleaser? The first thing is to be curious if that's operating in your life. Just because you happen to be generous and do kind or helpful things for others, That doesn't mean it's a Pleaser. You might just be a generous human being. In fact, That may be what makes a human being a human being, That we do things for each other, That we take actions of care. We make time. We give energy to other people, Other causes. So the Pleaser is not evident just by the fact that we might do something that people like, That folks approve of. The Pleaser is evident when we do it compulsively. When no matter what happens, Someone comes our way and says, Can you do this for me? And we say, Sure. And we don't even give a thought about whether that would be a healthy thing for us to do at this time. We know the Pleaser is operating if we say yes and enthusiastically commit, Jump into some task, And then later we resent it. Actually later, Some part of us resents that we did that. The Pleaser said yes, But if we had checked in with a fuller spectrum of ourself, We might not have made that commitment. And so the fallout from that is some dissonance inside. We can recognize the Pleaser by frankly, We neglect our own needs to the point that we just are unhappy. We are unhappy because there are really things calling for attention inside us and all of the energy is flowing outward and the balance of that is really evident. We don't take time for self-care or we neglect something that actually does recharge us and rejuvenate us because the Pleaser is scheduling us and always saying yes. Another way to catch the Pleaser in action is we do something for somebody or some group and if we don't get affirmed, If we don't get told or hear some reflection that we're appreciated, We really resent that. We want to know that we are pleasing. It's not okay for the Pleaser to do something generous and not have that be noticed. We really want to be noticed. We want to be seen as the one that is pleasing. The Pleaser needs to be seen as pleasing because being seen as pleasing means being safe, Means being successful, Means being loved. So we begin to watch our minds and watch our behavior for the Pleaser in action and simply that, Just catching it in action and being curious about its motivations, Being curious about the after effects of acting from the Pleaser. Then we begin to see what it is and we begin to get some space from it. We begin to get some space from it simply by beginning to go, Ah, The Pleaser, There you are in action.