Selfgentleness Step 2: Daily Practice Live Recording

This is the recording of Femke's Monthly Insight Timer Live of 8 March 2024. In it, she discusses what self-gentleness is, and how we can help ourselves to find and set daily practices to support the process of becoming more selfgentle. Femke then guides a meditation in which you can meet your inner critic and engage with them in a healing way.

Transcript

Welcome everyone to my monthly live. Welcome! I'm so happy to be here and to speak with you today about Self-Gentleness Step 2, The Power of Daily Practices. But before I start, Let's take a few minutes to let people come in, And I would love for you to share who you are, Where you are in the world, And what you would like to know about daily practices for self-gentleness purposes. My name is Femke Bakker. I'm a meditation teacher and a self-gentleness teacher. And that is why I'm here. Next to that I'm also a behavioral scientist. I do research, I study the impact of meditation on social and political behavior, The impact of meditation on stress release, Stress management during decision making. So there are a lot of things I'm busy with. But today I'm here as self-gentleness teacher to speak with you about that. Let me just take a look who is here. So hi Michelle, Hi Lauren, Hi Mary, Hi Jean, Galina, Kirsten, Annemiek, Ellie, Luanne. Luanne is bringing the sun from Massachusetts. Thank you so much. Hi Muna from Turkey. Lovely. I always love to see people coming from all over the world. I know that Lauren is from Australia. So good morning to you, My dear. And I see here people from Turkey, From also Australia, Germany, England, Chicago, America, Luanne, Of course, Massachusetts, The US, Nat from England. So I really love it that everyone is here from all over the world. So Jean is saying, I do practice self-compassion daily. I noticed that I'm much less harsh on myself than I used to be. Well done, Jean. That's so great. I'm so happy to hear that. I love that. If you want to share a little bit about your practices, What you're doing, I would be happy to hear that. Hi, Luanne. Lovely to see you. It's been a while. Lovely that you are here. So let's start. So I see a lot of familiar names, But it might be that there are here people for the very first time. So let me just explain to you what self-gentleness is. And even if you've heard it over and over from me, It's still always good to hear back what is self-gentleness. So here comes my definition. It is radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness. So let me explain that definition a little bit more. I think everyone can think of a moment where we've been gentle to ourselves, Right? During our lifetime, We do have those moments. It's very often a moment when we are proud of ourselves, Or we're doing something right, Or we hear from others that we're doing it right. So those are the moments that we speak gentle with ourselves, Say, Hey, Well done, Oh, Now I deserve something nice, Oh, Now I deserve to take some rest. All those moments we are gentle. And I love that. Because when I speak about self-gentleness, We all have reference points. We all have even the smallest reference points of that moment that we were thinking in a kind and gentle way about ourselves. And then comes my definition. Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness. So what do I mean with that? Well, With radically I mean that you are always self-gentle to yourself. So not only in those moments where you excel, Where you succeed, Where you are doing something well, When people are telling you that you are a good person. No, Radically means that you're also gentle with yourself when you're messing up, When you're making failures, When you are doing things that you're not proud of. That in every moment in time, You can allow yourself to soothe yourself, To be kind to yourself and to understand that we are all human beings. And as a human being, We mess up. As a human being, We make mistakes. As a human being, We sometimes are confused or frustrated or angry or sad or depressed or whatever things that are going on in our lives. And it's especially at those moments that we aim for some gentleness towards ourselves. Because the beauty is, When we start that process of becoming more and more gentle with ourselves, Also in the moments where normally with our critical perfectionist voice we would not be gentle with ourselves, Then something starts to change. Then something starts to change within you. Consistently, I always used to refer to being self-gentle vis-a-vis others. We live in a world where there are a lot of expectations. We have expectations from our families, Our friends, Our children, Our spouses, Our parents, Our teachers, Our employers, Our employees, Our society, Our politics, Our world. There are so many things that we try to live up to. Not in the least, Our own expectations. And very often, The expectations we think that others have about us are our own expectations. And these expectations have been formed over the course of our lives, Based on our experiences, Based on things that our parents told us, Our teachers told us, Based on experiences while living, While making mistakes. And we have built this framework in our head when we're doing something right, When not, What is expected of us. And we feel that if we don't live up to those expectations, We don't deserve our own gentleness. Well, We do, Consistently. So if I want to convey anything, It is that self-gentleness is a practice that you deserve 24-7, Every second of every day. Is it possible at all to be self-gentle 24-7 a day? Well, Yeah, Probably not. To be honest, I am a master of self-gentleness, But I cannot be self-gentle 24-7. So why am I a master of self-gentleness? Shouldn't I be the teacher? Shouldn't I be the one that knows everything best? No. I'm a teacher of self-gentleness because I recognize it when I'm not. And then I realize that now it is my job to return to self-gentleness. And the mastery in that is that I know the practices, I know the drill, I'm trained to do it. So very often it's just a realization that I'm not self-gentle that I can get back there. But honestly, Sometimes things are hard for me and it takes me a few hours, Or a day, Or maybe even a few days, Or maybe even a week, Depending on the context. But that is okay, Because I still call myself a master of self-gentleness, Why? Because I recognize it when I'm not, And I know that it's up to me to find that way back to that self-gentleness. Sometimes we wait for others to be gentle to us before we can start to practice that self-gentleness, And I can understand that. It's so good when there is someone in your life, Or more people in your life, Who are gentle with you. And if you have those people in your life, Or maybe those pets in your life, You're a lucky person. However, It is not per se their job to give this to you. It is the best thing if you know how to get there by yourself. It's wonderful if you have people around you who will support you, Who will radiate, Who will tell you, Who will be gentle, Because this is like guiding you toward that place where you can be self-gentle. But in the end, You can discover that you can do this. And this all starts with being okay who you are, Where you are, Right now. So if you are sad now, Or angry, Or frustrated, Or depressed, Or filled with revengeful thoughts, Or just bored, Or really happy and flowing and inspired, It doesn't matter. You can be gentle with yourself. And especially when you experience one of those more unpleasant feeling emotions, It is up to you to find a way to that gentleness. And I know that a lot of you, And I was like that also, And I still am like that sometimes, You recognize that you are not self-gentle, You know you should, But how? And there is a paradox, Right? Because you know you should be self-gentle, And then you get angry at yourself for not being that, While you know that you should. You recognize that, While I recognize it. I also struggle with that from time to time. In the end, The trick is then to find a way first to relax, To tune in with yourself, And to acknowledge what is going on, Is going on, What is there, Is there, And you will have to deal with that, Whatever it is that is going on. Sometimes you might need help, That you reach out to your partner, To your friends, Your family, Or maybe even a professional. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes professionals can really help us back on our way to that self-gentleness, Because they reflect upon us from this more objective, But compassionate way of looking at us. So this is in a core self-gentleness, This is the concept that I developed, That I coined, And this is for which I create practices, Meditations, Practices, Checklists. So for instance, When I'm done with the live, You could go to my profile on Insight Timer, And there's a link to my profile, And then you see links, And on the top you can download a free self-gentleness checklist. And this is a checklist, I have it here, And there you find 19 daily practices that you can pick and choose from. You don't have to do all of them, There might be some that you think, Well, This is not for me, But there must be one or few that are for you. And then you can check per day if you did that. So it's really something that you can print out, It's a really helpful tool for you to start those self-gentle practices. These are only 19, There are so many more, I'm currently developing more and more, And I want to bundle those. I'm also preparing a new course for Insight Timer, Where I will offer you a month full of practices that you can do to train yourself in a self-gentleness, And I'm really excited about creating that. So yeah, Over the last year, I realized that I made this shift more and more from being a meditation teacher who was teaching meditation, To a self-gentleness teacher who is teaching you about self-gentleness, And who is creating tools, Practices, Which are based on meditative and contemplative practices to help you in that process. So last April, So that's almost a year ago, Time runs really fast, I held a TEDx talk about this self-gentleness, And I recorded the text of this on audio again, And you can find this in my free tracks here on Insight Timer. So it's about 15 minutes, Like every TED talk. So if you would be interested to hear more about that core, And especially how I got to self-gentleness, So I tell there about my personal story and how I found self-gentleness as a way forward, A way to heal myself, A way to help myself. So if you're curious for that, You could listen to that. So I will speak a little bit about the daily practices, But before that I do see there are some comments, So I'm just going to take a look what is written here more. I see Rose also joined us, Welcome, And John, Pav, Mary, Amal, Welcome all. Cherry also came. So Kirsten, Muna is writing, I want to be gentle to myself because I felt that after my mother passed away, I lost the most gentle and kind woman in my life. I'm so sorry to hear that. Yeah, That must have been a big loss, Losing your mother. For many people, Our mother or father is the very first person that shows us that gentleness, That tells us when we fall, It's okay, You know, Who pick us up, Kiss our knees and tell us that everything is okay, We can continue. Those are really small things, But they are the foundations of our self-gentleness. So I can understand that when your mother died, That sense of gentleness is lost for a moment. So I'm really happy that you are here to start to find that gentleness also within you, That gentleness that your mother taught you, That your mother gave to you, For you now to use upon yourself. So I'm really happy that you're here and thank you for sharing that story, Muna. Luanne says, You will definitely listen to the talk. Thank you so much for that. Hi Esmee, Lovely that you are here. Hi Glass. All right. Hi Peter. Hello, Femke. Bring me a dream, A self-gentleness dream. That's why I'm here, Peter. Thank you so much. Hi Randy, Lovely that you are here also. Okay, Let's speak about the daily practices. I know when people hear daily practices, They get a little bit worried. Because as a meditation teacher, I know that when I tell people that it would be really beneficial to meditate every day, Daily, That they immediately feel this expectation. Oh, I have to do something. I have to have discipline and I don't know if I can do it. Well when it comes to learning to meditate, There are different ways to deal with that. I will not get into that, But I can tell you that I am finalizing a course about that exactly, How you can deal with that, Which will be, I think, By the end of this month on Insight Timer. If you are a member of a meditation group, It's now called the Self-Gentleness Group on Insight Timer, You will get notified. And also when you follow my profile on Insight Timer, The moment a new course or a new track is published, You will get notified. So do that, After the live, Of course. So when I say there's a power in daily practices, That is not that I'm telling you, I expect you to do every day a practice. No. Because that would mean I have expectations of you and you feel you have to live up to those and then the self-gentleness is out of the window immediately. So I will speak to you about daily practices. I'll explain to you the power of daily practices, But I want you to take it in a way that suits you, In a way that feels easy to you, In a way that feels good to you. Because what I want to avoid is that you start to beat yourself up for not being self-gentle enough, That you start to beat yourself up for not doing your daily practices and now you're not self-gentle and now you get even angrier with yourself. This is not the way I want to go. The way I want to go is that you just start in your own pace, In your own way, In your own unique way, Start to probe for those practices that will be beneficial for you because they feel good, Because they are easy. And because they feel so good and because they are so easy, They will become part of your daily life and thus daily practices. Without discipline, Without force, Without expectations, Without beating yourself up for not doing it, They will be part of your life. So why am I stressing this? Because the way to dive into this is really self-gentle way. So how can we do that? Well first of all, It is to find those practices that feel really good to you. And that's a process in itself. So maybe about that I have to say that becoming self-gentle, It is an ongoing process. Ongoing what am I saying? It's a life-long process. I sometimes call it a life-long work-in-progress process. So this is it. Like I said, Even I am a master of self-gentleness, Even I am still peeling the onion of self-gentleness and I am getting deeper and deeper into practices to help myself. And sometimes I need a little bit more help of myself than other times. And that is actually just called living life, I guess. So daily practices. If you would ask me what are the core daily practices that you could do, Then there are three. And actually these three practices you could do each in one minute. So that would mean a minimum of three minutes a day. Three times one minute a day, Right? That's not much. That is something that is doable. You don't even need discipline for that. You just need an alarm clock to remind you in the beginning and then you start to feel how pleasant it is and then you start to repeat it. So these practices. And if you've been more often with me, You know them already. If you've been listening to my free self-gentleness tracks, You also will know them. But these are it. The first one is the evening practice. Yes, You do. When you are in bed, Everything is done. You know, If you like to read in bed, You're done with that. So basically you turn off the light and you go to sleep. That is the moment. In this moment you're lying in your bed, You're enjoying the softness of the mattress, The pillow, The blanket over you, And you just start to think of three things that make you feel grateful. It can be three things that happened this day. It could be three things that are anyway in your life. It could be different things every time. It could be the same things every time. It is just three things that you feel grateful for that you think of one at a time to get that feeling of gratefulness flowing. The beauty is that when you find something to feel grateful for, Even though it's just a little hunch, A little feeling of gratefulness, Then you ignite it and it's really easy to let it flow more and more. So you're lying in your bed, Enjoying the way you're lying down, Lights are off, Eyes are closed, And you think of one thing you're to be grateful for. Maybe it's a person. Maybe it's your pet. Maybe it's something that happened. Maybe it's the smell of the flowers. Maybe it's a good coffee that your boss put for you at work. It could be, It doesn't have to be something big like your car, Your house, Your kids, Your spouse, Your job, A big success. It can be, But it can also be really, Really small, Like the old lady in the street that smiled at you and just made you feel grateful for that smile. So you think about one, Two, Three, And you really let that feeling of gratefulness enter your body, That you feel it, And you don't need so much time for it. I speak now already a few minutes about it, But you could do this in one minute, Especially when you do it more often. But you will notice when you start to have this gratefulness flow, You want to stay a little bit longer than that one minute because it's a really pleasant feeling. Then when you did your gratefulness, You still have your eyes closed, Then you just tell yourself, Tomorrow is going to be a new day. Whatever happened today, Whatever happened this week, This year, This month, It doesn't matter. Tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a new day with new opportunities and new ways to be self-gentle. And then you go to sleep. So why do you set this intention that tomorrow is going to be a new day? That is because before we are really becoming aware of self-gentleness, We can get really distracted by worries that we have, By things that we have to do, By problems we are looking at. And then when we go to bed, We take these things with us, We go to sleep, And the first thing we do when we wake up is to pick up on those thoughts and to just continue with that. And this is something we want to break. Whatever the things are you're thinking of, I want you to go to sleep with the feeling of being grateful and knowing that tomorrow will be a different day. And then when you wake up, The very first thing you do, You can keep your eyes closed, You still lie down, The very first thing you do is to greet yourself lovingly. You just say, Good morning darling, How are you today? Good morning darling, How are you today? And then you answer yourself, Honestly, You don't have to feel swell, It's just, This is how I'm feeling. And then the next question is, What is it that you would like to do right now? And then just answer yourself honestly. It doesn't matter if you can live up to that immediately or not, Just tell yourself what it is that you would like to do. And it can be something different every moment. One morning you wake up and you feel like, Ooh, I want to jump out of bed and go for a run. The next time is, Ooh, I just want my coffee. And another time you think, Ooh, I want really to push that snooze button again. And another time you might just turn off the alarm clock and go back to sleep until whenever. So it's good to ask yourself, What is it that you need right now? And that you answer this honestly. And I know you cannot always live up to that. And that is exactly why we don't tune in to feel what is going on. That is why we very often push immediately away our needs. We wake up and we think of the kids have to get up, We have to go to work, We have to do this and that. And we immediately are busy with all the things that are there. And this also helps us to get back to all the chewing on the thoughts, The problems, The things that we worry about, The things that we have to do, The to-do list. And we put ourselves back in this framework of expectations. So to break that, We're going to ask ourselves, What is it that we need right now? And then when you answer yourself honestly, At that point in time, You honor that. You acknowledge that there is a need of you. And then you check with yourself, Can I honor this need right now? Can I give myself this right now? Or is it impossible? Like for instance, Snoozing, That alarm clock, But you do have to get to that meeting. So you cannot snooze, You have to get up. Then you will get up, However, You will promise yourself you will come back to this need later. Which might mean that you skip the busy lunch meeting and go to a park. Which might mean that you go to bed early. Which might mean that you decide not to cook tonight, But take out pizza to give yourself a slack. Whatever it is to help yourself to honor that need in a later moment. So many times, Our body and our emotions are telling us things that are going on. But because we think we don't have the time, Because we think that there is not room, Or there are a lot of expectations of us, We don't honor them, And we don't even listen to them. So this process helps you to listen to what is going on, And to acknowledge that, And then to honor it right now, If possible. And if not, Because life is life, We will do it later on, When there is that room. When we can cancel dinner dates, Or create dinner dates, Because we need that. With this practice, Doing this every day, When you go to sleep, And when you wake up, And you do this for, Let's say, A month, You really train yourself to become more sensitive to what is going on with you. And by acknowledging what it is, And honoring that, Within reason, Right? It's not like, Ooh, I want to go to sleep, But I cannot, But I go to sleep anyway, And I will not fulfill all the promises. I mean, That would also not be self-gentle, Because then you will get in problems later on, And you will start to beat yourself up anyway. But you can create that space at a later time, And because you are going to do this daily, You will be reminded time and again that you will have to honor that. Because it might be that in the morning you promise yourself to honor that later on, And then you forget about it. But in the evening, You are in bed, And you realize that there are things you are grateful for, And you realize that there was something that you wanted to honor, And that maybe tomorrow you can do that. So you keep coming back to tuning in, Acknowledging, And taking care of yourself. So the third practice that belongs to this is to have the tuning in moments during the day somewhere. It can be one minute, It can be on your commute, When you are in the restroom, When you're waiting in line, When you're behind your computer and you take a minute. Whatever moment there is, You just sit, You close your eyes, You bring your attention to your body, Feel if there is anything that is aching, That needs some tension release, Whatever is going on, To fill in your heart, Are there any emotions to fill in your stomach, Is there anything that is holding you back. Just connecting with yourself to again acknowledge what is going on there, And maybe if there is something to honor right now or later on. So if you ask me, These three practices, Which you can do for one minute each, But probably when you start it, It will be something like three minutes each, Will be really, Really helpful. So if you have a premium account on Insight Timer, You could go to my course, Start Being Self-Gentle Today, And there you get four days of information with some practices, And then there are three bonus tracks, Which are exactly these three practices. So you can do the course, And then you can use these bonuses to do these practices until you can do it all by yourself. Similar practices are also available in the free tracks, If you don't have premium, Because you don't have to have premium to get those. You can find them in the free tracks, They are called Self-Gentleness, Morning Practice, And Evening Practice, And Tuning In. Those are a little bit longer than the three minutes, But you can of course still use them to get an idea of how it is working. So those are really important daily practices. But again, If this is not for you, If they don't feel easy, If they are hard, Then you might want to look for different practices, Or you are doing these and you want to add some other practices to your day. Then for instance, This Self-Gentleness checklist is really great, Because there are 19 practices for your body, For your mind, For your heart, For your soul, That you can pick and choose from to actually do those. And based on this, You can also start to think ahead of what things are really, Really helpful to you. For instance, I know there are people who really need to get up slow, And getting up slow in the morning is something that we don't allow ourselves very often. But if you know that you are like that, You just need to get up early, Or take a time to have a drink, A coffee or tea, To quietly eat your breakfast, And then maybe read the newspaper, Maybe take a walk. When you know that you need this time, Can you help yourself to take that time? Just an example. If you are someone who knows that you are really, Really quickly getting stressed out, How can you help yourself, When you notice the stress, To release it for a moment, To be kind to yourself? And that is why those three practices are so important, Because you learn to tune in, You learn to acknowledge what is there, And then you will start to talk with yourself what it is that you need, What it is that you need. And don't be harsh on yourself if you hear weird things that you need, Because every need is okay, Everything that you feel is okay. I need now this, That is okay, Don't judge yourself, Don't blame yourself, Don't feel guilty about whatever it is. This is an internal process, And we know that we cannot live up to everything immediately, But we can do so later on. Be kind to yourself. Alright, So this is my story about the power of daily practices, And there are many, Many daily practices to think of. Like I told you, I am creating now a course for Insight Timer, Where I will create many practices that you can start to work through. It's just the idea now, I'm working it out, Then I will have to record it, Edit it, Etc. , So it will take some time. But this is on the way, And I'm really enthusiastic about all these self-gentleness tools that I'm developing, Because I see how beneficial they are. Also when I speak with people, Or when I have one-on-one sessions with people, I see how helpful it can be to have these practices at hand and to start to apply them. So I really love working on this and offering this to you guys. So I'll just go over the comments for a moment, And then I will guide you in a meditation for today that will make you understand a little bit with whom you are tuning in sometimes, And how you can start soothing that person within that might sometimes be so very critical. Let's see. Alina said that you love my gray hair. Yeah, Thank you so much. Yes, I've dyed my hair for many, Many years, Already got my first gray hairs when I was 27, Right? I'm now 52, And I just let the gray grow out. And actually, I kind of love it. Yeah, Thank you so much for saying that. I appreciate that. Hi, Caroline. Lovely that you're here also. Let's see. Luanne says my Twice Daily modifications are my ultimate act of self-gentleness. Twice daily. Lovely. That's really great. Yeah, Kirsten, You start to write this down when you drive at work by bus. That's really, Really great. And I see that Cherry is sharing really lovely words with Moona. Thank you so much for that, Cherry. You're such a light in this community. Thank you so much for that. Pav says, I really appreciate you saying that we have an intention to attending to our needs later. So helpful. Yeah. And a really important one, Because sometimes you just have a lot of obligations and expectations that you cannot suddenly throw overboard. Although sometimes you can. But that is the process of starting. When you start to acknowledge that you will live up to it in a later moment, Then you actually become more aware of when you're doing that. And you also become aware that sometimes you can honor it right now, Even though you think you cannot. So that's a process that is personal for everyone. Alina says, Femke, This is very beautiful. I've joined your wonderful lives a handful of times. It's very much in the vein of remothering ourselves and also reparenting ourselves. Nurturing more self-gentleness is a big component of remothering. Yeah, I love that. Remothering or reparenting. Yeah, I really love that. In a sense, That's true. Our parents love us a lot. But also our parents came with their not-so-self-gentle practices and expectations and ideas about how we can succeed in life, Which is from a previous generation or previous generations even. So with all the good intentions, They didn't always teach us those things, Even though they would want to do so. So yeah, The reparenting from your own perspective and understanding your own needs is a really important thing. Thank you for sharing that. Thierry says, I'm a snail in the morning, Starting with Femke's meditation and coffee next to my bed. Second meditation, Affirmations, And then some lovely music, And then I get out of bed. 10 to 15 minutes, And your day starts great. I'll place the meditations in the meditation group of Femke in the next days. Thank you so much, Thierry. Yeah, I really love that you have carved that out, That ritual for yourself, Thierry, To start your day in a pleasant way. That's really, Really great. Yeah, Luanne, I understand. Twice daily meditation. Yeah, Thank you. Esmee says, Thank you for this generous, Genuine, And gentle reminder for self-care. I've got to get going for a work meeting. Thankful to all of you. Thank you, Esmee, For joining. Thank you so much. All right, So let's meditate together, Right? So let's just check in for a moment. You might want to close your eyes for this. Feel how you're sitting, Your buttocks on the seat. You can rest against the back of the seat. Your feet on the ground. And you might feel some tension somewhere in your body. So with me, I always feel some tension in my shoulders because I pull them up too much. So if you're like me, And I know a lot of you are like that, You can just pull them up all the way to your shoulders now, And then we're going to drop them and to sigh it out. Let's do it again. Let's do it again. Let's just pull them up. Oh, That feels so good. So is there any other spot in your body where your tension, Maybe your forehead, Frowning a little bit? Let's just make a lemon face. Squeeze all the muscles of your face in and relax. And relax. And I'm laughing because I realize that you can see me, But I cannot see you. So I have a really funny lemon face. Let's do it again. And relax. Laughing is also a great part of the self-gentleness journey. It's on my checklist actually. Did you laugh for no reason or maybe for a reason today? Laughing is really good. All right. So your hands are relaxed in your lap. Your feet on the ground. Just be aware of your feet on the ground. And now feel again in your body if you're already a little bit more relaxed. If there's any tension somewhere, Then just make some more muscle there and then just relax it and let it go. Your eyes are still closed. Feel if you maybe are clenching your jaws, If your mouth is relaxed. You can just drop your jaw a little bit. You can sigh it out. When you start to consciously relax your body, Your body immediately picks it up. Immediately it relaxes. It responds to you wanting to relax. It's honoring your intention to relax the body. It's immediately thinking, Yeah, Yeah, I love this. All right. Now. Imagine that in front of you there is this beautiful door. And we're going to open this door and to get through it. But before we do it, I am asking you to use your fantasy. I'm going to describe images to you, But not everyone fantasizes in images. So if you fantasize differently than images because you use feelings or words or knowing, Then just do that, Right? You follow my description, But you fantasize it in your own way. Even though I speak the language of images. So let's open this door. And you see that there is a stairs that is going down. And there are 10 steps and we're going to take these steps. And with every step, I will count them, We feel more relaxed, More at ease. So let's go. One. Two. Three. You feel how your body is more and more relaxed. Four. Five. Your mind becomes more quiet. Six. Seven. You feel that your body is becoming more and more soft and relaxed. Eight. Nine. And ten. We are at the bottom of the stairs. And when you look around, You see that you are in a small forest. And you see a path walking through this forest and you decide to walk on it. And while you're walking, You notice how pleasant the environment is. The air is just right. Not too hot, Not too cold. It's on your cheeks, A little breeze. You see beautiful trees with rustling leaves. You see the most beautiful colors of flowers, Your favorite colors, Your favorite flowers. And when you smell, You can smell the aromas of these flowers. You might see your favorite animals running around. And when you look ahead on this path that you're walking, You see that you're coming to an open space. And at this open space, There is a small fire. And in front of the fire, There is this bench. So you decide to sit on this bench. And you look at the beautiful flames of the fire. There is some warmth coming from it. You hear the sounds of the wood, The wood being burned. It's really this really pleasant sound. And the fire is also pleasant to look at. It's not burning fierce. It is just there in a really soothing way. And now you see that on the other side of the fire, There is a being. This being is part of you. You don't see it so well yet. Let me just tell you a little bit more about this being. This being is part of you because this is the part of you that can be critical of you. This is the part of you that can tell you that you're doing things not so right, And yet you should have done them differently. So basically, This is the critic within you. So you might feel now in your stomach or in your heart or in your belly an unpleasant feeling because you realize that this part of you is critical of you. Just know and tell yourself that you are safe. You are within yourself. This is your fantasy. You're sitting here comfortably next to a fire. And there on the other side of the fire is this being that is part of you. Now let's take a look how this being looks. And don't overthink it. Just whatever pops up in your mind, In your knowing, In your fantasy, This is it. So, Do they have a face? They might look like you, But they also might have a completely different kind of face. They might not even have a face. Do they have arms and legs? Do they have a body? Maybe it's just a floating cloud. Maybe it looks like an animal. Maybe it looks like a monster. Maybe it just looks like you when you were really small. Maybe it looks like one of your really strict grandparents. Whatever comes up, That is okay. Just accept the first image that comes to mind because this is what you want to work with right now. Your subconscious wants to help you to work with this right now. So, Just take a look while you're sitting here at the fire. The fire is in between you, But you can see them clearly now. You can see the shape of their body, The shape of their face, Their arms, Their legs. Maybe they have ten legs. Maybe they look like an octopus. It's all okay. Whatever your fantasy serves you. Don't try to find any meaning in it. It's just like that right now. Now, I would like you to do something very brave. I would like you to invite them closer. And then position them on a place where you feel comfortable with them in your presence, But you can communicate with them. So, If you're okay with it, You can ask them to sit next to you on your bench. But if that feels too confusing or too threatening, Then just place them a little bit further. And if you think just right behind the fire is close enough, Then leave them there. Just make a connection for a moment. Look at them. Invite them to connect with you. And you know what the beauty is? Because you connect with them right now. They don't speak. They don't tell you. They don't criticize you right now. They are just there looking at you. And actually, When you look back, And you really look good at their face, You see that they have this really beautiful smile. It's amazing. Can you see that they actually have a beautiful smile on their face when they look at you? They have the shape of this critical person that lives within you. But when they are silent, Like now, You realize that they love you a lot. Might it be that all these critical notions that you hear from them within are actually an attempt to help you? Badly, I would say. But it might be an attempt to help you. And I know this might feel awkward. This might feel like something that makes you angry. If that is the case, Then detach from that notion. That is okay. You don't have to accept that. You don't have to accept their love because they might love you and they might tell you things to help you, But they are not helpful because they are critical. They are not gentle. So you have all the right in the world to refuse those. But we are trying to connect with them now. And they are silent. They are not critical right now. So, Let's ask them. Let's ask them. What is your intention of criticizing me, Of telling me that I'm doing things wrong, Of telling me that I'm failing? What's the intention of that? And when you ask them, Then let them answer in their way. They might tell you with a word. They might tell you in a sentence. They might give you something. They might show you a memory after which they felt that they had to protect you. They are going to give you a good reason why they think they have to protect you by being critical. Alright, So go ahead. And if at any moment you feel emotional or it's overwhelming you and you don't feel good, Then just stop. Open your eyes and then you see me making funny gestures while I'm making this meditation and know that you are okay. This is just your fantasy. This is just your subconscious. You're just working with yourself. Nothing is wrong here. Everything is okay. You are safe. Alright. What is your intention when you're critical of me? And I don't know what the answer is that you are getting. But just feel for a moment what that answer does to you. If the answer is still harsh and critical, Then just give it back. Pick it up. Throw it in the fire. You don't want that. Any non-self-gentle thought, Any critical thoughts, We don't accept this anymore. We just pick it up and we throw it in the fire. Boof! And when it comes in the fire, It just burns and it transforms into love. So, Assess this answer. But maybe it's a helpful thing. Maybe you get this memory of something that went so wrong, That you felt so bad, That this person within you is trying to protect you from that. Maybe the intentions of this person within you are driven by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not being loved. Fear of not being worthy. And to get an understanding of that doesn't mean that they're right, Because they're not. Because they're critical. And you deserve self-gentleness. You deserve all the gentleness in the world. But just knowing this, It is okay. And by knowing this now, You also throw it in the fire. Just throw it in the fire, Even though you understand, Because you don't need critics. You don't need protection by being criticized. What you need is self-gentleness. What you need is kind and soothing words. Now let's ask them that. Would you be able to soothe me when things are going wrong, Rather than to criticize me? Could you do this for me? And let them answer. The answer will be genuine. They might say, No, I cannot do that. And in that case, You can ask them to step in the fire, To transform their self into this power of soothing words. It might be that they say, Well, I don't know. I have to see. But I'm willing to try. And then you say, Okay, Let's try. Tell me something soothing right now. And maybe, Because you created this connection and you opened yourself for the dialogue with this part of you that is basically so afraid to fail, Which is so afraid to not being good enough, That this part now feels seen and heard by you, That it starts to understand that the soothing, Kind, Gentle words are a way forward. And by creating this connection and this promise, It doesn't mean that it will go well from now on because you're just starting, You and this person within you. But by pushing against them, Time and again, They will continue to push against you. By acknowledging that they are there and to start this dialogue, And by rejecting their harshness and opening up for their possible kindness, You start working with them, Incorporating this part of you within you. And I know this is a practice that you will have to do again and again and again. You've trained yourself in self-harshness for your whole life and depending on your age, That's been quite a while. All of you are adults, So it is at least 18 years and probably many more years than that. So it's okay to take a lot of time to transform that process, To work your way into that self-gentleness. But this is one of those parts. Just like acknowledging what your needs are every morning, It is also good to acknowledge what shadows, Wounds, Fears, Critics live within you. Not because you need to take them seriously in a sense that they are right, But they do want to be seen because they all stem from experiences over your lifetime. They all stem from beliefs that you've picked up during your life in interactions with others, In interactions with yourself. And to honor the need that they have, It doesn't mean that you have to live up to the critical notes that they have or the fear, But to honor them means acknowledging that this is also part of you and it is okay. It is okay that you have a critic within you. It is okay that you have a little child in you that is afraid. It is okay to have this really angry teenager within you that still wants things to go differently. It is all okay. You are a human being with every, Every part that belongs to that. And you just don't want to be perfect because that's so very boring. Life is here to be lived and you embracing your humanity with every part of you. That is in the end the fun of life. That is where the juice is. That is where the love is. Love for yourself. Love for others. Love for the world. Love for life. And let me tell you something dear friends. You are doing it so very well. Really. Even if you feel that this was really hard for you and you didn't make that connection so well. You did it. You made the attempt. You did it so right. You are doing it wonderfully. You are exactly where you should be right now. And from here you are just moving forward. I am so proud of you. And I just want you to know that you are so worthy. So lovable. Just because you are who you are. Every one of you. Every being in this world are lovable. Are worthy. And the sooner we help ourselves to remind ourselves that we are worthy that we are lovable the sooner we will be gentle with ourselves. And subsequently we will be gentler with others. And I think that is something that our world really can benefit from. Alright. Well done you guys. So take a moment to say goodbye to this inner part of you. I hope it feels softer. I hope it feels better. But if not that's okay. It's the first time I've recorded this. You can come back to it anytime you like. And then we just walk back over the path. Back to the stairs. And we climb the stairs. I will count back. And with every count you will get back into your body. Back into your being right now. Sitting in your chair. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. You open the door. And now you're back with yourself. Take a moment now to just sit. Keep your eyes still closed. To realize what you did if you feel emotional. Then be kind to yourself. Give yourself a hug. Caress yourself. Caress your face. Caress your shoulders. It's okay. You're safe. You did wonderful work. And it's okay if you feel like crying. Then just cry. Crying is a release of tension. That is great. Just be kind to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. If you feel that it moved you then just do something afterwards. Take a nap. Make a cup of tea. Call a good friend. Hug with your pets or your loved one or someone who is around. Hug yourself if there is no one around right now. It's all okay. You're doing it so well. Now take your time to open your eyes. Really take your time. And I will be here. I'll take a quick look at some of the comments and I'll see if I can answer all of them. And I'll see if I can answer all of them. And I'll take a quick look at some of the comments if there are any questions before we're going to close off. Alina asked the three things. So you got the night, The morning and the third is during the day to tune in. And I said if you have a premium there's a course Start Being Self-Gentle. You have four days of information and meditation and then there are three bonuses which are these three practices of each three minutes. If you don't have a premium you can check my free track list. There are also self-gentleness practices a morning practice an evening practice and a tuning in practice. They are a little bit longer than three minutes but you could also use those if you don't have a premium. Which if you have the means $60 a year I would really recommend everyone to take a premium. You get all the courses on Insight Timer and you help Insight Timer to exist and you also help the teachers because the teachers are actually being paid from the premium accounts. All right. Yeah. Hans says I enjoyed your meditation. It's an affirmation of life. You're a great teacher. Thank you so much. That's a really great compliment. Thank you. Paaf says your whole process is similar to IFS which is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the IFS is the

Reviews

I have listened this session for the the second time.
For me it feels like Femke is almost my sister, at least somebody that is close to me.
a hand and gives me selfrespect.
Trust and a time to be just me.
Space to be me.
She makes me curious about myself, how i look opon myself and packts it in , in what i like to call it, a beautiful dream. ❤️ .
You take me into my imagination where i did not have expected that i had.
That makes me altijd beetje meer gelukkig 😘.