Selfgentleness Step 6 Dealing W/Expectations Live Recording

This is the recording of Femke's Monthly Selfgentleness LIVE of 5 July 2024. In it, she speaks about dealing with the expectations others (parents, spouses, children, employers, colleagues, and so on) AND what we ourselves hold about what we should and shouldn't do. She discusses how selfgentleness can help to deal with those expectations.

She ends the talk with a guided meditation to let you experience for yourself how self-gentleness can help you.

Transcript

Hi Angela, Welcome, Welcome everyone to my monthly self-gentleness live. And today we are going to speak about step 7, And that is dealing with expectations. Sorry, Step 6, Dealing with expectations, I was just confused for a moment. Welcome! Let's take a few minutes for everyone to come in and I would love to know who you are, Where you are in the world, And what you are expecting from today. Really happy to hear. Hi Angela, I just saw your name already. Hi Diago, Hi Mary, Hi Annemiek, Good evening, And thank you to telling everyone that they are welcome too. Hi Sheila from Georgia in the US, Welcome, Good afternoon. Hi Jean, Lovely from Chicago, Lovely to see you. Hi Susie, Sylvia, Not completely sure where it is. Hi Liz from Philly, Hi Miriam from New Zealand, Good morning to you, It's already Saturday. Hi Sarah from England, Welcome, Good afternoon. Hi Iker from Maryland, Good afternoon. Susie from France, Sylvia from France, Now I see Susie, Sylvia from France, So welcome. Angela is coming from Missouri, Petterbrook, Hi, Lovely to see you, Good morning to you from Australia. Hi Janice from Brizzona, Munchie from California, Hi, Welcome. I love California. I was there in April and I just fell in love with California, So lovely that you are here too. All right, So welcome all. If you don't know me yet, My name is Wim Kobacher, I'm a self-gentleness teacher here on Insight Timer and next to that I'm also working as a behavioral scientist. But here I'm holding my monthly live, Self-gentleness lives, Where we dig deeper into different aspects of self-gentleness. And you might ask, What is self-gentleness? And if you've been here before, Like many of you do, Still I'm going to repeat my definition. Self-gentleness is radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness. Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness. Yes. So to be gentle to ourselves is not so hard. I think when you think about the moments that you were gentle to yourself, You can come up with many instances. Moments that you were proud of yourself, Moments that someone told you that you did something well, All those moments that you were feeling relaxed and happy and comfortable and with ease, And then the narratives in your head were gentle. You were praising yourself, You were soothing yourself, You were kind to yourself. So it is pretty easy to be gentle to ourselves. The question is, Can you also be gentle when you are making a mistake? When you are not feeling so good, When someone else is nasty to you, When you make a mistake, When you fall, When you feel guilty, When you feel shame, When you're just having a cranky bad day. It might be harder to be than gentle to yourself, To find that inner voice that speaks gentle, That soothes you, That praises you, That tells you that you are lovable, That you are worthy no matter what. That's sometimes really hard. And there comes my definition. It is radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness. And with radical I mean also when you feel that you don't deserve your own gentleness, When you make that mistake, When you do something wrong, When you are too tired and you break something, When you are just cranky, When you are not satisfied, When you feel that you are in the wrong place. Can you still be gentle to yourself? That would be radical. Consistently, And that is the topic of today, Will you also be gentle to yourself in the face of others when they have expectations of you that you feel or you don't want to fulfill right now or ever? To consistently to be gentle when you are facing others. And that is the topic of today, Dealing with expectations. So before I get to that, I see there are a few more people, Peace, Lovely that you are here also, Peace, Last time you were also here, You're right, I resonate after being laid off from my teaching position, Looking for a job but feeling like a failure and that I have let myself and my family down. I can fully see, I'm so sorry to hear that, That you've been laid off from your job, But it's never a reason to feel bad, That you feel like a failure, Because it probably doesn't have so much to do with you. I really hope that today when we speak about expectations and in particular the expectations that you hold of yourself will help you to soothe those feelings a little bit. And just know that I think of you and I feel with you. So hi Jennifer, And you see, Peace, A lot of people are saying already that you are not a failure, That's really really great. All right, Expectations. When I was preparing just now, I thought let me look up the definition of what is an expectation. And the actual definition is, I wrote it down, A strong belief something will go a certain way. Yeah. There's actually also a definition that is used in mathematics and that is expected value. An expectation is something that we expect that will be of value. And it really made me think when I read that, Because isn't it about the same that when we have an expectation we have this strong belief that something has to go in a certain way because we add value to that, Right? Because if we have expectations about something to happen that we really don't care about then it doesn't have a value. And then when those expectations are not met, Then who cares? I don't care, Right? So there is a sense of value in that what we want to happen in a certain way. So when we speak about expectations, You might think this is always about other people. And the expectations people hold of you. That could be true for your partner or your family or your children or your boss or your coworkers. But in the end, All the expectations that we think others hold over us are in the end always our expectations that we hold. We might think those come from those others because they might voice those expectations. But the fact that we feel that we have to fulfill those expectations of others makes that we internalize those expectations to be our own. Can you follow me? Let me explain it again in a more easy way. So we grow up with certain ideas. We need to behave in a certain way and those are things that are expected from us. We are taught those expectations, The way we have to behave. For instance, To be polite. My generation, I was always taught to speak with two words so it was not just thank you and it was thank you ma'am, Thank you mister. For instance, That's really something of old times that's already past us. So those are certain expectations that our parents teach us, Our surroundings, Our teachers. The moment that we feel that those expectations are true of us, We internalize these. And the thing is when we grow up, We internalize a lot of expectations, Not even that consciously, That then become part of our idea of how we have to become, How we have to behave, How educated we have to be, What kind of jobs we need to have, How much money we have to make, What kind of possessions we have, What kind of partners, How many children we have, How they will have to look, How they are going to be educated, What kind of jobs they have, What kind of relationships they have. And so we build on a whole set of expectations, A whole set of strong beliefs how things should be because we add that value to it. And what is that value? And there we hit the core that value is that we feel worthy, That we feel lovable. Somewhere in our makeup we believe that when we meet expectations that we have set for ourselves, Very often in interaction with our world, In interaction with the people that teach us things, That educate us, That are our examples, Then we have this set of expectations and we feel that these are so important that if we don't meet them, We are of less value. And there, My friends, Is the non-self gentleness. Okay. Is it wrong to have expectations? No, I don't think so. I think expecting things from ourselves and expecting things from people around us, It's always good, Especially when we are very clear about what those expectations are. But it's also important to know how we resonate still with those expectations. For instance, You grow up in a family where it's really, Really important to have a high education, To make a lot of money, Have a big job and buy a lot of stuff, Live in a big house, Have an expensive car, Go on holidays, Work really, Really hard because all those things have to be paid for. Those expectations might be something that you've internalized. The thing is, If you notice that it's really hard for you to live up to those expectations at the expense of how you feel, At the expense of your rest, At the expense of your ease, At the expense of your joy, Your joy in life, At the expense of doing things that you like because you're only living up to those expectations, Then you get trapped. You get trapped in that net of expectations and you have to learn to deal with that. So I'm not saying that it is wrong, Right, To have expectations and that you want to go for those things and you would like to have all those things. But when you start to feel it is at the expense of who you truly are and that you feel if you don't fulfill those expectations then you are not worthy, Then you know that those expectations are really, Truly not yours. So I have a question. If you think of yourself as a gentle person, A self-gentle person, But let's just speak about gentle, Gentle towards others. So what would be an expectation that is solely about you? So do you have any expectations, Something that you feel, Well, This is something that is so important of value to me, If I wouldn't live up to this expectation of myself, I would not be gentle to myself, Right? So to clarify what I mean, For me it is that I always try to accept people as they are, To basically love people as they are. And I'm so lucky to have a lot of people in my surroundings who are truly very lovable and easy to love. But sometimes you run into people that are so different from you that it feels more hard to actually accept them for who they are. They might not be my friends, It might be people in the street, It might be colleagues or whatever, But then that is really, Really hard. So then the question comes for me, What is now gentle to me? That I force myself to still like them or can I still respect the value that I want everyone to be like they are, While still detaching my need to interact with those people so that I can still be gentle with myself and I don't have to face how they are while they still can be as they are. So that's an example that goes really strongly for me. So for me, An expectation of myself is that I treat people with kindness, That I treat people with gentleness. Even if it might look that they might not deserve it, I find it's not up to me and that I want to treat people as gentle as I can. So is there anything that you, I would love to hear it in the comments, If there's something that you feel, Well that's an expectation that is actually self-gentle, That is something that belongs with me, That is something that I want to hold true, This is a value that is so important to me because it fits with me as a person as I am. So P says, Inner critic thinks that I need to hear their harsh words versus a gentle voice. In order to get things done, I feel like I'm in a freeze, A freeze mode, Even searching for a new job because I'm afraid of failure. So that's really clear P, So you just had an experience that was really harsh. To lose your job, It's very tough, Right? Because you lose a lot of things that are important to you, That can really give you a feeling of unsafety. So it's not so weird that you're shaken from that, Right? But rather than thinking, Okay, This happened for a reason, It might be that they didn't take a good look at me, It might be that I made a mistake that they cannot forgive me, Whatever the reason is, This happened, But it doesn't mean that you are a failure. Even if the situation was that you were laid off because you did something wrong, Then still you're not a failure. People are allowed to make mistakes, People are allowed to fail. So being a failure is a word that is of non-importance. And the fact that you're dealing with this now, With these feelings, And like you say, You're freezing, It's really hard to find a job or to start looking for a job because you are stuck in this feeling. So it is your job, Your work now, To find a self-gentle place, To be kind to yourself and to know that these things happen. People are laid off sometimes and it's really not fun, It's really hard, But it's okay. You are okay, You are still worthy, You are not a failure, You are still lovable, You are still worthy. And to start to feel that, It is good to just feel the sorrow and the grief for what happened to you, To be with compassion, To look with compassion to yourself and to embrace yourself, To soothe yourself, Almost as if you're your own parent. Because you are allowed to be sad, You are allowed to grieve for whatever happened to you. And when you can be with compassion with yourself, Then you will feel such a relief that you can just be as you are. And the beautiful thing of that is then the resistance to fighting with what just happened will drop away and it will open your eyes for new ways, New opportunities, New venues. Maybe new things will come on your path that you didn't think of that will be so beautiful that in the end you will look back and say, Wow, Actually that was a good thing that happened because now I am here and I'm so much more happy. And I'm not saying that this is always the way, But I know when I look back at everything bad that ever happened to me, And there were quite some things, That in retrospect I always see that I found something in it to help me on my way to realize that actually in the end it brought me something new. It brought me closer to myself. Because when bad things happen to you and you start to interact in a gentle way with yourself, The beautiful thing happens that it becomes easier to deal with those things and you open your eyes for whatever is good out there. And I know peace. It's easy to say that like here, Because you are there in the middle of your situation. So I'm not telling you this because I don't take it seriously how you feel, But I'm just giving this to you to help you to understand that there might be different perspectives, But it starts first with you really holding yourself, Caressing yourself, Rocking yourself, Letting yourself cry, Embrace yourself, Soothe yourself, Comfort yourself, Tell you you will be okay. You are here right now, You're sitting here, You're listening to me, You can hold yourself, You're truly okay now, And in the next minute you're also okay. And then first it will be just minute by minute by minute, Feeling okay just with yourself. And that will create this more relaxed feeling inside that will take you on your way, On your next steps. So okay, I hope that helps a little bit. You add now, I expect to be perfect and even job applications and interviews scare me because I feel like failing is not an option. It feels like perfectionism and avoidance. Your kind words mean so much, I'm taking them in with so much gratitude. I'm so happy to hear that. Thank you so much. And you know what I might have mentioned is I'm a previous perfectionist. The whole self-gentleness project with all the tools that I have developed and I am developing and I will develop are all about me dealing with my perfectionism. So I'm saying I'm a previous perfectionist because there's always that hint of perfection that you still want to strive for. But that's also previous because I can also soothe myself quickly enough. The best way to not be a perfectionist anymore is to allow yourself to fail. And that is really, Really hard. But to tell yourself it is okay to do things wrong. It is okay to fail. It is okay to make mistakes. It is okay to try and fail. It is okay to try a hundred things and a hundred times it will not work. Because one moment, The 101st time or the 102nd time, Suddenly I will realize it will work and it will work because I've allowed myself to make all those mistakes. I read somewhere not so long ago and I don't remember who wrote it. I didn't think of this but it was something like it is only by a lot of failing that you start to understand where your strengths lie. And I think in a sense that is true. If everything always goes really, Really easy and then suddenly something drops because things drop. Bad things sometimes happen to us. That's life, Right? That's being human that things happen. You build also resilience and understanding who you are and everything lies in becoming that gentle person with yourself. So I'm happy that it feels that you feel better already. Thank you so much for sharing that. So Susie asks, Or Sylvia actually, Sorry, How can we avoid to internalize expectations? I think you cannot really avoid them because we do. Just by growing up, Just by living life, Just by interacting with others. You are at your job and you might decide not to internalize any expectations anymore. But before you know what you do, Because you have task descriptions, Role descriptions when we're speaking about work where it's really tangible, You know what you have to do and you see that you don't fulfill something and you think, Oh, I didn't make that expectation. So you cannot avoid to internalize them. But becoming self-gentle around them is becoming aware of your own expectations, Becoming aware of your inner critic, Becoming aware of that inner expectations. There is this person within you that has all those expectations who holds a list and checklist if you did everything right. And we just have built this little person within us over the course of our lives. And it is just a way of soothing this person and understanding that this part of us, And I think we will meditate on this in a little bit, Is this inner critic, This inner expector, Expectation person within us that is actually doing its best to make sure that we are worthy and of value. It so much wants us to perform well so that everyone will love us. That is basically that part. It's actually that little kid in us that just wants, You know, Our parents to love us for who we are and that we think if we do this and this and this, They will love us even more. If we have a high grade at school, They will love us. If we go to bed and we don't call them when they want to go to bed themselves, They will love us more. You know, It does really small things where it starts, Where we are interacting with others and we think that we have to fulfill those expectations. So tuning in, Awareness. So this is, I also teach at a university. I teach political psychology and research methods. And one of the things that I find so hard also in an academic setting and also here as a self-gentleness teacher, And that is the awareness of who we are, Who we truly are, And how we sometimes respond from old wounds, From trauma, From expectations, From things we see in our culture and we're not even so aware of becoming aware of everything that is going on within and that this can drive our thinking and sometimes even worse can drive our behavior. That is so very important because when we become aware of the inner critic, We can start to soothe the inner critic. When we become aware of our default response to things that are happening in society, We can wait, Not react immediately, But wait, Come back to our own and then feel what is of value of us and how we want to respond. Something that is actually in all these polarized times not such a bad way to go. I'm really just saying I have these beautiful courses here on Insight Timer and I really, If these things resonate with you, Check them out. There is this beautiful course, It's called How to Deal with Challenging Opinions and Behaviors. This is a 10-day course exactly digging into this. When you have to deal with people that are different from you, How can you go about that? All right, Let's see. Marjorie is saying, I'm also a perfectionist who avoids or procrastinates a lot. I'm aware that parental expectations shape these patterns, So I try not to set expectations or impose them on others. Well, Marjorie, That's so beautiful. That is exactly what I mean when I speak about that awareness, Is becoming aware of how these expectations that your parents once had of you are now part of your own makeup, Are part of how you look at the world. Becoming aware of that gives you the choice. Are these expectations really mine? Do I want to fulfill these or are these actually not so important to me and I'm just doing this because I want my parents to love me and I know that they will love me? Well, They might be angry if I don't live up to those expectations, But in the end, They love me and they want me to be happy and to deal with that. And then the second step, Not putting those expectations on others, Maybe even not on your own children if you have them. That is really, Really, Really great. Not easy, But it's really, Really great. Brandy says, What happens when you don't feel real? Having depersonalization and I'm scared of self-sabotage and going back into my old self. I know I need to accept every part of myself, But I get scared of action or tell myself old stories. Do I have to have faith in the unknown or have faith? Is that what not having expectations is, Not creating old stories? That's a really great question. If I think what you mean, There are actually a lot of questions in one, But what I think stands at the core of your question is you tell yourself stories based on old expectations. You grow up, You have a set of expectations and you tell yourself stories why you can or why you cannot meet those expectations, Right? And you also say that to actually feel what it is that you want, What you want to be, That is really hard and that actually when you do so, You notice that you don't feel. I think that is what you mean with depersonalization. And I just want to say, Don't worry, It's okay. It's a process and I don't know if you've ever been here to my lives, But I always say self-gentleness is a lifelong work in progress process. And the most important part is that you first start to tune in with yourself to feel what it actually is that is going on. And the first thing that we become aware of is what we do not want, That we feel resistance, That we feel something unpleasant, Even if you don't have words for it, That there is something feeling icky, Difficult. And by just acknowledging that, You soothe yourself. And then can come the question, Well, What is it that I need right now? And this is at first really, Really hard because you have to fight with yourself and in your case you stop feeling that's what you think. Because you also say, Well, I do start to feel scared, But just know that's really very normal process, It's okay. Just keep on trying and don't expect too much of yourself. If tuning in to try to feel what it is that you, Who you are, What it is that you want is so hard that you feel the need to almost not feel about it, Then that is the first step to be okay with that. It is actually every time you notice within yourself, Hey, I'm responding like this and you get annoyed by it or you get afraid of it, That you just say, Well, It is okay. This is my response. Apparently, My life has taught me that it is the most safe way to respond to things, So it is okay. And when that happens, Something opens up. But that is not, It's not like something that you can fix in one day, It's a lifelong work in progress process. So something I say often here, I'm a master of self-gentleness, Yeah, But it doesn't mean that I'm self-gentle 24-7 by no means. I have minutes, Hours, Days, Weeks, Oh my God, That I am not so self-gentle. Certain topics in my life, Sometimes it is really, Really hard, But I am a master of self-gentleness because I recognize it. Oh, I'm not so gentle with myself. And still then it doesn't mean that I switch and I'm gentle. No, What I do know is then I start to search my way back into finding that gentleness. And that is the process. And that is something that you can learn to do better and better and better and you get better at it, But it remains peeling an onion and there will always be things that happen around you, Within you, In interaction with others. But the beauty is it's also being human. And the beauty, And that is something that I've only realized I think the last two years, That the beauty of being human is that we are not perfect. Because if we were perfect, There would be no fun, Really. There's no fun in being perfect. There is fun in finding our ways. There's fun in finding a way to love ourself, Finding our way to find ease, To find joy, To find happiness, Right? That is the fun part. I hear myself say these words and I suddenly realize that to tell you that I have planned new self-gentleness lives until December, Once a month. So 2nd of August, It's about honoring unpleasant emotions. The 13th of September, It is how to receive help and love from others. And this was actually in a response I got from one of my participants in a live who wrote to me and said, Well, I really love the way you were thinking about unconditional love because that was the topic then. But what about receiving help and love from others? That's also important. And then I thought, Yeah, We're going to speak about that. So that's on 13th of September. On the 11th of October, We will speak about finding joy. On the 8th of November, Finding ease. And on the 13th of December, Embrace who you are, Embrace how you are. So this is until the end of this year, My lives about self-gentleness. And I really feel that those are really great topics to speak about. I heard myself joy and ease because that is, In the end, What self-gentleness will lead to. The more self-gentle you are with you, The more joy you will find, The more ease you will find, The more you will relax. And then the beauty happens that the inspiration can flow, The ideas can flow, And suddenly things are way easier to do. All right. So, Brandy, I hope I helped you a little bit. I think I see here you saying that. Thank you for that. Laura says, I think my problem now for me, Femke, Is how to put boundaries, How to put boundaries to not let others go over me and take care of me with my own time to do things. Yeah. So when it's hard to set boundaries, And I know something about that. From my personal life, It's something that I really, Really, Really had to teach myself how to set boundaries. And I actually had help. If you look at any good boundary work, Take a look at Randi Buckley. Randi Buckley, She created programs for setting healthy boundaries for kind people, And she is really, Really great. So I studied with her about that because I really needed help. I learned a lot from her. But yeah, Boundaries are the other side of expectations, Right? Others expect something from us, And then we say no, Or we want it in a different way. But they cross our boundaries by insisting that we live up to their expectations. And then we again say, Well, No, I cannot. And they cross those boundaries. And that is really a problem. So it's really great of you to mention this, Setting boundaries, Because that's the other side of the coin of those expectations. So I had a live about boundaries, I think, Two months ago. You can find it also in my profile, Because I record these tracks, And I publish them as free tracks in my profile here on Inside Timer. But the most important part of setting boundaries is, It's not so much about what you want to keep away from yourself. It is the question, What do I want to keep with me? So for instance, If for me a value is that I want to be gentle with myself and to others when I want to be gentle to others, And someone crosses my boundaries, Then I'm not gentle to myself by letting them cross those boundaries. By letting them cross those boundaries. And I might want to stick to being gentle to those others. But if they keep on crossing those boundaries, I'm not gentle to me. So I will have to deal with that in a way that fits me. Because if I want to be gentle, I will not hit them away. I will not curse them. I will not fight with them. But I will have to find another way to be gentle to myself. And that is a process where you can start to speak with yourself, That you could prepare ways to tell the other what you do and do not want. That you could think of yourself, Well, This is the way I do things. And if you can do this with me in this way, You're most welcome. But if you cannot do this in this way, Then we have to do our things separately. It's a kind of different way of thinking. But it is also a really great way to deal with those expectations of others that don't take no for an answer. And a really important metaphor or analogy that I use a lot for this is when people expect things from you and you feel you cannot live up to them. For whatever reason, Because you're tired, Because you don't feel like it, Because you cannot, Because you already did too many things for those people and you just cannot or you don't want anymore. And they insist that you do because otherwise you are selfish. The question is, Who then is selfish? You or they who insist that you will go over your own boundaries to please them. So if anyone tells you that you're selfish because you do not do the things for them, They're the ones that are selfish. That's an inside one that is really important. Let me take a sip of water. And the other part is that you can start to think for yourself to prepare sentences that you can use in certain instances. There are always people in our lives that cross our boundaries. And at moments that it's not the case, You can start to think about how you could deal with that sentence and that you could say. And an important thing is also never explain yourself then. Because if someone asks you, Well, Can you come and pick me up at 2am? And you say, No, Because then I will be too tired. And you start to explain why not. But then it feels for them that they can negotiate, That they can convince you that you will not be too tired or they can convince you that they are way more tired. So you will have to come to pick them up. Excuse me. So sometimes it's just OK to say, No, I'm sorry, You will have to find a different solution. And that is it. And you can just repeat that sentence again and again. So in Dutch, We always say that you have a frog in your throat when you have to cough. That is a little bit what I have right now. All right. So while we are already 40 minutes in, Let me just see if there's another question. All right. People are resonating with Marjorie. Really, Really great. I so love this community, The way you're all speaking so kind to each other. That's really, Really beautiful. Thank you so much. OK. Jana asked, What about taking care of your parents? If they feel you do not give them enough of your care, How to set boundaries there? Well, It is up to you to decide how much care you can give. It might be that I need more care. But that doesn't mean, That doesn't equate that you will have to provide that care. It might be hard for them to hear. It might be hard in different ways, Maybe financially. But still, Then they will have to find different ways to get that care. There are always solutions. But the solution is not you if you cross your boundaries. So for you, I think it would be really wise to tune in with yourself and to feel, What is it that I do want to do for my parents? What is it that I do want to take care of for them? And then you offer them and you say, Well, This is what I can do. But for the other things, We'll have to find a different solution. I'd be willing to brainstorm with you. I'd be willing to make a few phone calls. I'd be willing to make a few phone calls for you, If you can. If you don't, You do not offer that. But you have to deal with those things for yourself. And I know there might be, Especially if your parents need care or they cannot really make those decisions for themselves anymore. I know those situations are also there. Then it's good to take into account that there will be a transition period for that. But still take care of yourself. So this is the analogy that I just mentioned and I didn't say it. When you are in an airplane and just before the flight, The cabin personnel tells you about, You know, In a case of an emergency, First put the oxygen mask yourself before you help others, Even your small kids, Because without oxygen, You cannot breathe and you cannot help no one. The same goes here. It's the same story. You have to take care of you before you can help others. If you deplete yourself, You cannot help. So I think that would be my advice to first think, What can I do? What do I want to do? And then be really clear in your communication what it is. I hope that helps a little bit. Thank you for the great question. I mentioned Randy Buckley, B-U-C-K-L-E-Y. OK. Adamic says, I'm totally depleted by pleasing others. I know I can't pour from an empty cup, But tend to keep on giving all I have. Yes, Adamic. You know, A question that you could ask yourself is, What do I get out of pleasing others? There must be something there that gives you, Maybe not so conscious, A good feeling about yourself. And that feeling might have something to do with expectations that once were clear or not so clear, That you internalized, And that you feel that if you don't do that, If you don't please others, That you are not lovable, Not worthy, You know, You're not doing it right. So in pleasing others, There must be something that it gives you. And very often that's not so conscious, But you see that a lot with people that are pleasing. You see that a lot with people that are pleasing. And when you become aware of that, Then there are parts where you do please others, And you realize it's giving you a good feeling, Because it's part of who you are, And it's something that you give. But you can also become aware of understanding that sometimes you don't have to do that, And the thing you can get out of it, You can find in yourself, That you don't have to please the others to fulfill that need within you. There is probably a need within you to get a good feeling about yourself, And by pleasing others, You soothe that feeling. But if you deplete yourself, You're not soothing yourself. It's like almost a response of fear that you will not get that feeling. But when you start to teach yourself that you can give that to yourself without having to deplete yourself for others, Then things change, Because then you can fill that cup, And then you can really, With all your heart, Give to others when you feel like it, When you have really something to give. Because it just means when you want to please others that you have such a big heart, With so much kindness and gentleness within you that you just want to give to others. And that is beautiful, But when you start to deplete yourself, You have to first give to yourself. So I'm really curious if that helps you, If you can work with that. All right. So there are some more questions. This is a beautiful thing, What Margie says. You have to prioritize your own well-being, Since no one else will or can even if they try to. If they don't like it, Then push back. Try not to let that bother you too much or weaken your resolve. Yeah, That's a beautiful, Beautiful advice, Margie. Thank you for sharing that. All right. So let's meditate, Right? Because I'm already. . . I know, No, It doesn't feel like 45 minutes of speaking to me, But it is. All right. Let's meditate. And let's just experience for ourselves to deal a little bit with that expecting person within us and how we can soothe it. So make sure you sit comfortable and really make it comfortable. So you can lean against the back of the chair. You can lie down as you please. Just make sure that you can relax a little bit. And if you feel any tension in your body, Then see if you can relax it. So if your shoulders are a little bit, You know, Pulled up, Then pull them up more and drop them. If your head is frowning and make a laugh in the face, And relax. If you feel you're tucking in your belly, Then just let go. You could put your feet on the ground and really feel that the ground is supporting you. Your hands can rest in your lap. And now let's gently close our eyes. Oh, It's so pleasant to just sit and become aware of we in our body sitting or lying down, Feeling our feet on the ground, Feeling our buttocks on the seat, Our back against the back of the seat or our mattress, To feel our wrists on our thighs, Eyes closed. All right, Now I will take you on a small imaginary trip. I will guide you with images. So if you're a person who has a really easy time seeing images in your mind's eye, Then just follow those images. But if you're not such a person who sees images, And a lot of people don't really, So that is okay, Then use your fantasy. Use the fantasy as you always do. Maybe you use words, Maybe you use feelings, Maybe you use a sense. Whatever the way you fantasize, That is what you do. So you just follow my words, But you take it to your own heart, You take it to your own fantasy. All right, Now let's imagine that in front of us there is an elevator and there is a heart-shaped button. Let's press it. The doors are opening and we just step in. And then when you see all those buttons and then there is also a heart. Let's press that heart again. Yeah, So the elevator moves, It goes down and then the doors open and there is this beautiful room. It's completely white and all the furniture, There's not so much furniture, But there's a big seat in the middle. It's also white. Let's just walk into this room and when you sense, You feel that this is a good room. This is a room that feels really, Really comfortable, Really safe, Really pleasant. And you see this beautiful chair seat that looks so comfy. This looks like the best seat ever. So I invite you to walk up there and just sit in this beautiful white seat. It is so pleasant. It is exactly like you like it. The firmness of the cushions is exactly how you like it. And when you, You can hang a little bit back, But exactly how you like to relax. This chair is made in heaven just for you. Oh, This feels so good. And while you are here and you realize that this is a beautiful room, It's all white of a beautiful, It's like a white bright light, But let's color this now. Let's, Let's use your fantasy colors to create walls as you like it. Maybe you just want everything glass that you can look outside. Maybe you want to paint the walls blue or black or green or yellow, Or you want to keep them white. Maybe you want a rug on the floor, Something warm for your feet. Maybe you want a fireplace or maybe an air conditioner, Maybe some flowers or plants, Or maybe when you have those glass windows, You see a forest or you see the ocean or a lake or a meadow, A meadow with beautiful horses. Whatever it is, Use your fantasy and create this beautiful place that you feel that you would like to come here every day and sit there for a few hours just to be here. Take your time. Maybe there's artwork. Maybe it's artwork hanging on the walls or standing in the room. Maybe it's filled with beautiful antiques, Or maybe it's really, Really modern and minimalistic. Make it yours. Maybe there are photos of your family, Your friends, Your lovers. Maybe there are pets or other animals. All right. Now, I would like you just to feel that this is your place. This is a place within you, In your heart space, Where you can always go and realize who you truly are. Let's put our hands on our heart for a moment. While you're sitting here, You bring your attention to your heart space, In the middle of your chest. If you find it hard to bring your attention there, Then just imagine that there's a little light shining there. While your attention is in your heart space, I invite you to become aware of the emotion that lives there most strongly at this moment. And whatever it is that you feel, It is okay. It might be happiness. It might be satisfaction. It might be sadness. It might be anger, Disappointment. It might be hope. Whatever is going on in your heart space, Just be aware of it. It is okay. And if you don't have a word for whatever you feel, Just stick with that feeling for a moment. And if the feeling is unpleasant, It is okay. If the feeling is unpleasant, You can even caress yourself. You can hug yourself. You can rock yourself. It is okay to feel unpleasant. It is okay. I am okay just as I am right now. And if you have to cry, You cry. That is okay. It's release of tears. And if you have to laugh or smile, Then that is what you do because I'm guiding people with unpleasant emotions. But if the emotions are pleasant, Just enjoy them. Be with them. Acknowledge them. Acknowledge that when you feel hope in your heart, That it is a really great feeling to have this. Hope comes with happy expectations. Things to look forward to. Things you would love to do. Things you would love to move forward to. That is also great. Whatever is going on, Everything is fine. All right. Now, Bring your attention to your lower belly. You can put your hands there. And again, If you find it hard to bring your attention there, Then just imagine there is a little light in the middle of your belly. You focus on that light. Now, Is there anything that you feel right now in your belly? It might be the same like you just felt in your heart, But it also might be something different. Maybe some tension. Maybe some butterflies. And maybe it's just very, Very calm and relaxed. That's also possible. Whatever it is, Just tune in with that feeling and be okay. Whatever it is, Just be with it. All right. Now, Put your hands back in your lap. And I would like to ask you that you imagine that in front of you, There is a being. And it doesn't matter how the being looks. It doesn't have to look like a human being. It could be any being. It could be a fantasy being. It could be a pet-like being. It could be whatever it is. But this being is now starting to shape itself while you observe it. And this being is that inner expector, That inner part of you that holds really strong to those beliefs, What it is that you should do to be worthy. It's the one that keeps all the boxes checked and unchecked to see if you meet all the expectations that you and others hold of yourself. And you look at this being while it starts to shape. Let your fantasy just shape it. You know, Whatever pops up in your mind, It's okay. It could look like a little bear. It could look like a monster. It could look like a big bear. It could look like you. It could look like you as a small kid. It could look like your mother or your father or your teacher or your spouse or your kid or your boss. It could be a mix of all of those. Just take a look at the shape. Does it have arms? Maybe just one, Maybe ten, Maybe two, Maybe none. Does it have legs? Does it have a face of any kind? Eyes, Nose, A mouth? Maybe not. And it might be hard for you. Don't overthink it. Just the first thing that pops up, Even if it looks really bad, Even if it looks really ugly, Even when it looks really beautiful, Everything is okay. This is how you, Right now, Shape this inner expector within. So, They're standing in front of you at a safe distance. And you're going to ask a question. And the question is, And then just be open for the answer. The answer can come as a sentence, As a word, As a knowing, As a feeling, As a token, As a song. Whatever the answer comes, It's okay. You just ask them. Why do you expect so much from me? What are you afraid of? Why do you expect so much of me? What are you afraid of? And let them answer. That answer can come in many shapes. And if you don't understand the answer, That's okay. You will, At a certain point, Later understand what it means. But maybe the answer is really, Really clear. And I bet that the answer, In many instances, Is a variation of, I want to keep you safe. I want to show the world that you are worthy. I want everyone to love you. I want everyone to admire you. I want everyone to just see how beautiful and worthy you are. And when you realize that this is what this expectator wants from you, For you, That it wants to help, Can you feel compassion in a certain way that all these critical voices within you, That things are expected of you, Are basically just part of that part of you that wants to keep you safe. So, Put your hands on your heart again. And now imagine that you have a heart, Your heart is filled with so much love and light. And if it's hard to imagine it's love, Then just fill your heart with a beautiful light, Beautiful green light. Beautiful green light. And now send all this light as a laser beam to this inner critic, This inner expecting person within you. And just say, I love you. I just love you. I know you expect a lot of me, But I now understand you want to keep me safe. And I want you to know that I love you for that. I love it that you want to keep me safe. I so love that. And just see when you send all this love, This laser beam of beautiful green light to this being, That it's filled with light. It's completely filled and there's a sense of ease, A sense of relaxing. There's a sense of accepting your love. And while this process is ongoing, Because you are never depleted from love in your heart, It just flows their way, You're going to thank them. I thank you for your care. I thank you for your attempts to keep me safe. But you know what? I am okay. Because you feel my heart now and I know I am okay. I know I am worthy. I am always worthy. I don't need to deserve my worth. I'm worthy because I am me. I am just me. And that's enough. That's enough. It is enough to be me. Yeah, And I make mistakes. I do things wrong. I don't live up to expectations. But that is okay because this is me. Flaws and all. Warts and all. Beauty and all. I'm a human being and I'm here to just be and live and experience and find ease and joy and love and not complicate things for me. I want ease. I want just to relax and ease. I want to feel ease and joy and I want you too. So thank you for expecting a lot from me. Thank you for believing that I can live up to those expectations. But it's not necessary for me to be safe because I am safe. I am me. And it's up to you to feel if this connection of love, Of light and all those words, If they resonate. Sometimes you see this being shaping to something else, Becoming softer, Becoming smaller, Becoming gentler, Becoming friendlier. And maybe they just stay the same. But they receive you and they receive your words. And just know that this is the process that you are in. That coming back to this feeling, Coming back to your heart, Knowing that you are safe, Knowing that you are loved, That you are lovable, That you are worthy. The more often you do that, The more often this becomes your expectation. Because the best thing you can expect from yourself is to know that you are safe. To know that you are worthy beyond means and you don't have to do anything. The fact that you are here, The fact that you are alive means that you're worthy. You are worthy and lovable. Just know it. All right. Now, Maybe there's something that you want to say or give to this being before we end the meditation. So just go ahead and do so. And if you don't, Then just say goodbye to them and put your hands back on your heart and just sit like that. And we'll give others the time to say or do something and then also say goodbye to this inner expector within. I feel a lot of release right now. I feel a lot of ease. I feel that a lot of you are actually more relaxed about this now. Facing this part of ourselves that is sometimes pushing us so hard, It's a good thing. It's a good thing. We all have this part within us and it doesn't mean that now they will never be back. They will never bother us. They will not have any expectations. But we know we are there and we can talk to them. We can send them love. We can soothe them. We can fight with them if we need to. But it's okay. It's part of us. It's part of being human and in a sense that is so comforting. It's so comforting to know that we all have this. And we can all find that ease by just accepting that we have this part within us too. All right. If you didn't say goodbye yet, Then do so now. And then I invite you to remember that this place here in this chair is a place you can always go. You don't always have to meet this inner person. You can also meet your inner child, Your inner rebel or just yourself. You can do here whatever you want in a safe place. But we'll get up now, Go back to the elevator. We push again on the heart-shaped button and the elevator takes us up where we get off. And then you take some time to feel your body again, To feel your buttocks on the seat, Your arms on your lap. You can wiggle your fingers and toes, Stretch your spine. And whenever you're ready, You can open your eyes, But take your time. Make your time to make that transition. All right. If you still have your eyes closed and you want to keep them closed or want to go to sleep, That is perfectly fine. Thank you, Liz, For your kind words. Thank you, Jennifer. I'm so happy that was helpful to you. Thank you, Miriam, Also, And Annemiek for your kind words. Thank you, Petter Briljentens, For your kind words. Thank you, Petter Briljentens, For your kind words. Thank you, Petter Briljentens, For your kind words. Thank you, Petter Briljentens. Surprising. Thank you so much, Petter. And you've seen me a lot already, So I really love that, To hear that. Thank you so much. You're most welcome, Mark and Jana. You're most welcome. You're most welcome. Thank you so much. So, Yeah, I like this. Becoming aware of our expectations, Meeting that part of ourselves, It's also an important thing, And to embrace it, To send it love, And to also know that this is an ongoing, Lifelong work-in-progress process, Right? I mentioned you already in Next Live, So the next one is on the 2nd of August. Honoring unpleasant emotions is also an important part of self-gentleness. And really, If you love my work, Please listen to my tracks, Listen to my courses, Listen to my premium tracks. Share it with others within Insight Timer. Outside, There are beautiful buttons to share it on your social media. You're helping my work here on Insight Timer by donating, By coming to my lives, By sharing my work, To returning to my work also. If you listen to my work and you return the next day, Either to me or someone else, I'm also rewarded for that. That's a new algorithm within Insight Timer. And just, I want to say, I love Insight Timer. Really. I mean, Most of you are here already a long time. Insight Timer is not here to squeeze you all out for a lot of money. Insight Timer is here to give free meditation to the world. It creates these courses and premium tracks that people can listen to for a subscription, Which is $60 a year, Which is, Right, It's like missing one cup of coffee a month by paying that. I mean, If you don't have the means, Then don't do it. But if you can miss that one cup of coffee a month, Instead you pay Insight Timer. So you can listen to all those courses that we create. You support Insight Timer and you support also all the teachers because the teachers are getting paid from the people listening to the courses. And that's really important because I think we all here do so important work for the planet, For the people, For your well-being, For our well-being, Well-being on this whole planet, Which is, I think, Really important. The more people become aware, Take care of themselves. And I really love for Insight Timer what it's doing there. So if you're not already a premium subscriber and you can, Then I really encourage you to do so. And if you don't do it for Insight Timer and the rest of the world, Do it for yourself. There are so many good things here. It's like an investment in your own well-being. And I think that's really, Really great. So and then listen to my work, Rate it, Spread it. I feel very promotional here. But to be truthful, We need to do this here on Insight Timer to make sure that this app stays here and can compete with all those commercial apps that are also out there and flooding the world. I think Insight Timer has a really authentic, Genuine mission. And I'm really proud to be part of that. And I know you are happy with Insight Timer too. So that's why I'm getting promotional to promote Insight Timer and also my own work, Because I think what I do here is also quite of value. So thank you so much. Oh, Thank you so much for all your beautiful comments. I'm so happy to hear that. Peace asked, Can you mention how we can give you more financial support in a free way with comments? Actually, The best way that's a change in Insight Timer, The best way you can support teachers is when you listen to one of my tracks to return the next day can be to the same track, Can be to a different track. The more you return after listening to me, The more you reward me, The more you return after listening to other teachers. That is really, Really helpful. But also by just spreading the news, Right? Because I understand that you want to support me in a free way. I really appreciate that. Just, You know, More worth how you say that word of mouth. That's also really, Really important. Thank you for asking that question. That's also really great. Commenting here doesn't support me. No, It used to be within the courses, But that's that has changed for now. Marjorie says, Seeing through the specifics of old expectations enabled me to redefine and loosen them to their well-meaning abstract essence to find a way to contribute. That makes me happy. That's beautiful, Marjorie. That's that's beautiful insight. Thank you so much for sharing that. Yeah. And Peta Rook says the space to be seen, Heard, Understood, Supported. This is priceless. You are always a gift. And all the compassionate souls. Thank you so much, Lauren. I really appreciate your words. You're always here and I really we go back a long time. Thank you so much for sharing that. All right. Thank you all so much for being here. And I hope to see you back on the 2nd of August. And meanwhile, So come back to inside time and listen to my work sending you so much love. Oh, I never get to mention almost. I've also meditation group here on inside timer. If you go to my profile about tap there, You find the link. If you're not already there, You're there. You can always reach out to me. Ask me questions. Communicate with the others in the group. I really would love for that. All right. Thank you so much, Dear ones. Have a beautiful weekend. And I see you on the 2nd of August. Bye bye.