Emotional Regulation: Talk With Guided Exercises

Grab a pen and paper! In this interactive talk Learn to Manage Your Emotions by using Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). You will be guided through an exercise to help you have greater awareness of your own emotional regulation so that you can better manage it.

Transcript

Hi,

This is Dr.

Tracy Moreno,

Psychologist,

And today we're going to talk about learning to manage your emotions with something we call emotional regulation.

So first off,

It's important to know that we all have a kind of go-to emotion.

It's like that one emotion that we're all the most comfortable in expressing.

Usually for people it's either sadness or anger,

But it can also be guilt.

I'm sure you've known people who are very guilt-ridden or very shame or embarrassed,

Things like that,

Or fearful.

But probably the two most common would be somebody to get sad or be crying or they express it in getting annoyed,

Frustrated,

And then to the point of anger.

So I'd like you to think about what your go-to emotion might be.

And there could be more than one.

That's fine too.

I'd like you to just pick one emotion to use as an example as we go through this process.

It would also be a great idea to grab a pencil and paper because we will go through this and you can stop the recording as we move through it so that you can apply it to yourself and write these things down.

So with emotional regulation we really need to focus on,

We need to have the awareness within ourselves of where we are on that scale.

So I want you to think of a scale of 0 to 10,

10 being the absolute worst and unable to function.

So I break the scale down into three parts.

Just like the 1 to 3,

Then like a block of 4 to 6,

And then 7 and higher.

So the thing about,

If we were to put our emotions on this scale,

The thing about the 7 and higher is once you get to that 7,

There's really no going back.

No coping skill is really going to help you bring it back down to a 4 or a 1.

If anything,

If you try to engage in a coping skill or somebody tries to talk you down and say,

You know,

It's okay,

Just don't worry about it,

It'll be alright,

You know,

Just breathe,

You just want to like punch them in the face.

So that's really important to understand because that decreases our window of opportunity pretty significantly.

So in using your go-to emotion,

I'm going to use anger for mine.

So with anger,

If you're at a 7 or higher,

Or whatever,

Insert your go-to emotion there,

And I want you to think of what would you be experiencing physically,

Mentally,

Emotionally,

And I want you to write these things down.

So this would be 7 and higher,

And you can go ahead and stop it if you'd like and give yourself some time.

For this,

You want to know,

What would I be looking at if I saw you at a 7 or higher on that go-to emotion?

So for anger,

That could be yelling,

Maybe pacing,

Knocking cabinets,

Closing,

Slamming doors,

Probably cursing,

Saying lots of things I later regret.

So go ahead and write yours down.

And know that once you get to that point,

Once you start feeling these things inside emotionally and physiologically,

Some examples of a physiological response can be like redness in the face,

Or raised temperature,

Raised heart rate,

Sweating,

Things like that,

Faster,

Louder speech.

And then emotionally,

It would be,

You can't think clearly,

You're starting to get very maybe irrational,

You're very,

Anger of course,

But as we go down the scale,

That could be like frustration,

Annoyance,

Things like that.

So now we're going to drop it down to where would you be right in the middle,

Like at a 4,

Between a 4 and a 6?

Again what would I be looking at if you were in your go-to emotion and you were on that scale between a 4 and a 6?

So as an example with the anger,

I would probably be just to the point where you're kind of going,

I am done.

I am so done.

And you're like just before you're about to flip,

You've already had it and all it's going to really take is that one more problem coming my way before I just go into that 7 and higher.

I usually get,

Maybe I'm trying to think of physiological responses,

I usually probably get restless where I'm fidgeting,

My movements get faster and more kind of maybe aggressive in a sense.

My leg will probably start shaking,

My eyes will start shifting around,

I'm looking around,

I'm probably praying at this point.

Please Lord don't let me lose my mind.

But I'm not being detrimental.

So if you were looking at me,

You could see,

You could tell that something's wrong,

That I'm mad,

But I wouldn't be causing any outwardly display of anger that I would at a 7 and higher.

And now I want you to bring that back down.

And where would you be at a 1 to 3?

So what would I be looking at if you were at your go to emotion on that scale of 1 to 3?

With anger,

I would probably just start getting annoyed,

A little frustrated.

That's probably when my ADHD would definitely kick in.

I would start losing attention and concentration,

Start trying to maybe distract myself from rising up to the 4 to 6 bracket.

Inside probably just a little mildly restless.

My temperature would probably go up a little bit.

But it wouldn't be visible to others.

This would all be an internal process at that 1 to 3.

I would be able to still cover it up at that point.

Go ahead and just write down where you would be.

And you might not even be aware of where you would be.

And if that's the case,

Start to gain that awareness.

So when you're in it,

Kind of go through that scale in your head and see,

Assess yourself.

So where would I be right now?

Well,

I'm showing inward signs but not outwardly signs,

So I've got to be between a 1 and a 3.

What is going on in my mind and body right now?

Or you could say,

People are able to notice that I'm upset.

What are my signs?

What's happening in my mind and my body?

And then you can fill this out at that point gradually as you become more aware.

So this build up on the scale could be a gradual build up over days or weeks.

A lot of people,

When I work with people on anger management,

Every single person says to me,

There's no way to stop it.

I go from 0 to 100 in a split second.

I know it feels that way,

But usually it's not true unless there's some sort of crisis situation.

But day to day,

That's really not the case.

But we're not able to see that until we really break it down like this.

And we could see,

Well,

Wait,

You know what?

A week ago,

I got into an argument with my mom or with my husband.

And that was just kind of like getting me.

And you could have already been at like,

Say,

A 3.

And then the following week,

You go to work and maybe your boss comes and says,

Hey,

We need to talk.

And you're like,

Oh my gosh.

So now it just got bumped up to a 5.

And then you're holding that in,

A lot of us hold it all in.

We're not gradually releasing it every day.

And by the way,

This is also the purpose of having daily coping skills where we are releasing some of that pressure and moving ourselves down on that scale every day.

So we have room to rise because this is a continuum.

We're constantly rising and falling on this emotional regulation scale.

So when you,

Again,

When we get to that 7,

We're at the point of no return.

So now you've got to think that we really only have that 1 to 6 to intervene and bring ourselves down.

And so that's significantly less.

And obviously,

The sooner you catch yourself,

The easier it's going to be.

It's going to be a lot easier to come down when you're at a 3 than it is at a 6.

So you're going to need different coping skills to use at different times in each of these different brackets.

So now I want to move over to the coping skills that we're going to use in each of these brackets.

And these are going to be different for every single one of us.

And it'll be different each time.

Music is usually my go-to.

Music and running would be probably my go-to coping skill.

But I can't always do that.

So what am I going to do if I'm in a meeting or I'm in the grocery store or wherever where it's not possible to just go for a run or listen to music?

So we have to have a whole arsenal of coping skills that we could use at any time.

And a vast type of coping skills,

Some that take just a minute and then others can be like as long as a vacation.

So let's start with the 1 to 3 bracket.

And I want you to write down and try to identify the coping skills that would help you when you were feeling whatever you have written down in the 1 to 3 bracket.

So these could be things like meditation,

Breathing,

Breathing techniques.

You could do some mindfulness exercises,

Grounding,

Like a body scan,

Progressive relaxation.

There's also tapping is really good if you're familiar with that.

It could be music,

Taking a shower,

Taking a bath,

Playing with a pet,

Walking our dog.

Another important key here is that coping skills need to be very conscious.

We have to go into the coping skill saying to ourselves,

I am using this as a coping skill to release and let go of what I'm feeling right now.

Because if not,

Let's take for instance walking the dog.

Most of the time it's just a chore.

So you would take the dog and you're going,

Come on,

Hurry up,

Pee already.

So that's not a coping skill.

That's just an extra chore,

Something else we have to do,

Something else,

Another responsibility on our plate and we just want to hurry up and get it over with.

So that could actually bump us up or at least keep us at that same level.

So we have to go into it going,

Okay,

Let's get outside,

Let's walk,

Let's breathe.

And then you go into some mindfulness.

You're looking at the sun,

Looking at the sky,

The colors,

The flowers.

And actually breathe and relax and use that walk with your dog.

Use your dog.

Animals are so calming.

Use their presence to help you let go and release.

Another example would be cleaning the house or cleaning.

A lot of people,

Especially with anxiety and anger,

There's that ball of nervous,

Restless energy that just has to get released somehow and people can just go kind of crazy and clean in that way,

Which I think is wonderful.

But again,

There's a big difference between cleaning to release that restless energy and cleaning as a chore.

And when you're ready,

You can go into the four and six bracket and now you're going to have to do something that's going to hit you a little bit harder,

Something that is going to help you release.

So that could be maybe venting to a friend,

Punching a pillow,

Screaming in your car,

Any kind of thing that is a little bit more up.

Because if you're at a five or a six and you try meditating,

That's not going to work.

If you're trying affirmations or mindfulness or body scanning and grounding,

Your mind is not there.

Those types of coping skills just aren't going to work well.

Those are the one to three coping skills.

So you're going to need something a little bit more,

Well,

I want to say active,

But active would be more for the emotions that have that restless energy attached to it,

Like anger,

Fear,

Anxiety.

And then for things that are like our sadness,

You might need to withdraw.

You might need to really just go somewhere and sit and cry it out.

A shower cry.

That's the best.

That's one of my favorites.

Or you just sit on the bottom of the shower,

Have it at you,

Coming down on you and just let it out.

So go ahead and write what you think would be beneficial for you at that four to six bracket.

So now we know,

Now we're going to move to the seven,

Seven and higher.

And so we've already said that at this point,

It's a point of no return.

So we just have to ride it out at this point,

Which means the goal at this point would be one,

Not,

Don't do anything.

Don't engage,

Get yourself out of there,

Keep yourself safe.

Don't make any decisions.

Don't say anything to anybody.

Because now we're in a much more illogical and irrational state.

Now we're being driven by our emotional state and we usually end up saying or doing things we later regret.

So we want to prevent that.

We need to wait until we calm down,

But we're going to wait until we calm down naturally.

So all we're going to do,

All we need right then is time.

So just keep yourself safe.

Don't do anything at all.

Sit with it.

You're going to have to sit with it.

This is something that we're never comfortable with.

It sucks.

But if we do anything,

It's not going to be a great decision.

So you just have to ride it out at that point and wait for you to calm down.

Remind yourself that no emotion lasts forever.

Even happiness,

Unfortunately,

Right?

We're not happy forever.

We don't cry forever.

We don't yell forever.

So you will calm down.

Maybe not to a zero,

But you'll at least get back down to a five or six where you can engage in a helpful coping skill.

Because say,

Here's an example,

Say you at a four to six,

One of your coping skills is to call a friend,

Vent to a friend.

Well,

If you call that friend and you're at a nine,

A lot of times we'll end up getting into an argument or fight with that friend because we are so out of our minds that if the friend says the slightest thing wrong,

We're going to jump all over them.

So wait,

Wait,

And we've got to use the appropriate coping skills at the appropriate time.

So,

I recommend,

Um,

To have that better awareness of where you are on that scale just throughout your day.

Randomly just kind of take a inner look and feel what you're feeling and kind of just assess where you are.

Give yourself,

Assign yourself that number of where you are emotionally.

And the more often you do that,

It'll become like second nature and you'll be able to tell where you are and exactly what you need.

But just like anything else,

Right?

The more we do it,

The easier it gets when you first start doing it.

It's going to be a very conscious,

It's kind of like sometimes it's like an exhausting process of like we actually have to,

You know,

Stop and walk ourselves through it in our mind.

Okay,

Here's the scale.

Zero to 10.

Where am I?

What am I doing?

Um,

This is what's going on internally.

This is what's going on externally.

Okay.

I am probably out of five,

Right?

You're not,

It's not going to be like that forever.

Eventually it'll be a very unconscious process.

You're going to feel something and you're going to,

You know,

Automatically turn to those coping skills that you know would be helpful in the moment.

So just keep it going.

Be persistent.

Never ever give up on yourself.

And I hope this helps.

Thank you.

Reviews

Excellent & very practical. This is a wonderful self-awareness step by step approach.

Brilliant suggestions, working on it right now. Thank you

This was great in helping me identify anger as my go-to emotion and develop coping skills to deal with it ,something that I have been working on for a long time in my life.

Excellent talk. Breaking down to the level of emotion. Thank you for going over 6 and higher emotions. Very good to think about and make a plan now.

Fantastic tools for creating awareness of behavior and coping skills.

Omg this was exactly what I needed when I needed it. I recently got an ADHD diagnosis as an adult & struggle with emotional regulation. It's been causing problems in my marriage. This was eye opening and has given me hope.