The Story Of You: How To Build Self-Compassion

In this short talk, Dan begins with the moment of your birth – and explains what you needed to flourish as a child. He also explains why most of us don't get what we need as children and, especially if we experience trauma, how this leads to mental-health problems as an adult. Dan also encourages you to see that whatever happened to you was not your fault – and that all wounds can be healed, with time and the right support.

Transcript

So, You were born. And like all babies, You were beautiful, Innocent and pure. You were like a little seed, Packed full of energy, Primed to flourish and grow. But to do that, You needed certain nutrients like food, Water, Air and warmth of course, But also things like love and safety, To feel cherished and valued, The little miracle that you were. As well as all the basic ingredients you needed to nourish you day to day, What little you needed most was to be loved, Held, Whispered and sung to, Told stories of who you were and how you came to be here. You needed to feel your mother's skin on yours, Your father's strong arms as he rocked you back to sleep. We call experiences like this attachment and it's so deep, So powerful, Hard-wired into every human brain. You needed a safe, Secure, Reliable attachment, First to mum, Who carried you in her body for nine months, Gave you life, Fed and cared for you at your tiniest and most vulnerable, And then dad, Siblings, Grandparents, Aunts and uncles, Cousins, School friends and so on, Out and out for the rest of your life. But for most of us, This starts with mum, Our first and most important caregiver, Who should love us fiercely, Viscerally, As if we were part of her because we once were. And when this goes as it should, It feels wonderful, So good in fact that we call it attachment bliss, Being held and stroked and fed and soothed and cherished. And this creates in us a powerful feeling in our bones that we are good, Lovable, Worthy of kindness and respect. So that's how it should be, And for some lucky people, That's how it is. But for many of us, It doesn't work like this, Something goes wrong somewhere, Either very mildly wrong or more seriously. And if it's mild, And we have enough love, Enough safety, Enough nutrients to feed our growing brain and body, Then we come out of it fairly intact, We may be anxious, Or get depressed from time to time, But mostly we're okay, Able to do all the normal stuff of everyday life and be happy enough, Most of the time. For some of us, In fact far too many of us, The things that went wrong were much worse than this. And they happened not just once, But over and over throughout childhood, One bad thing or lots of bad things, One after another. And if this is you, You might know what these things were, Or just have a vague inkling that all was not well. Either way, What I'm saying resonates somewhere inside and you're thinking, Yes, That's how it was for me. If that's the case, I'm truly sorry, Because I know that you'll be left with wounds. And one of the deepest of those wounds is that you'll think you deserved it in some way, That you're a bad person, Or somehow dislikable or unlovable. Because that's what children do. They make it about them, Because it's too scary and threatening to think that the people who are supposed to love and protect you, Were in fact the ones who hurt you. That's too much for a child's brain to comprehend. So they go, Well it can't have been their fault, So it must have been mine. I'm bad. I'm naughty. I made all the bad things happen and deserve them. And here's where I really need you to concentrate. Take in these words, Because they may be the most important thing anyone has ever said to you. And that's this. None of those bad things that happened were your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You were just that sweet, Innocent, Pure little baby who was born into a bad situation. See, You think you're a bad person, But you're not. You are a good person that bad things happen to. That's so important I'm going to say it again. You think you're a bad person, But you're not. You are a good person that bad things happen to. And somewhere inside you is that sweet, Innocent, Lovable little boy or girl. They still live in your mind and body and nervous system, Whether you know that they're there or not. And they are the part of you that needs to hear this the most. Because they hold all the memories of bad stuff and how it felt, And what they thought, And all the other stuff that goes with that. So let them know that they are not bad or wrong or naughty or anything other than a beautiful little child who deserves to be loved and cherished and held and made to feel good about themselves. Because that's what we all want. It's what we're born for, Really. To feel that from other people and to give it back to them. It's why we're all here. I hope this helps you think a little differently about your life, About yourself, About why you struggle as you do. Also know that these wounds can be healed with enough time, Work and loving, Compassionate support. Sending you love wherever in the world you are right now. And wishing you luck and strength for your healing journey.

Reviews

Thank you so much for your wonderful understanding

Profoundly moving. Thanks so much for your healing words.

Thank you