The Umbrella Effect A journey of self-mastery for women leaders.
Chapter 4 The top three behaviors women must change.
We need to accept that we won't always make the right decisions,
That we'll screw up royally sometimes.
Understanding that failure is not the opposite of success,
It's part of success.
Arianna Huffington.
Part of your awesomeness is your unique ability to envision the future.
Every moment you create starts with a vision.
That vision creates your life.
If you don't like your life,
Change the way you envision it,
Or you will continue to live your life on default.
In the last chapter,
You were called to make a decision.
Once you do that,
It's time to envision.
If you envision being a great leader and taking your career to the next level,
Here are the three behaviors women must change today.
Behavior number one,
Expecting the worst.
Many women scare themselves from doing anything by imagining the worst-case scenario.
I used to do it too.
Now,
It's time to stop.
Those negative thoughts are leading your attention to the things you don't want instead of the outcomes you do want.
Look in the mirror and check if you have been a negative Nelly.
There is no negative Neil.
Only in Nellie.
If your attention habitually gravitates toward catastrophes,
You can do something about it.
The need to imagine disaster is a trick of the mind to stop you from going forward,
Protect you from getting hurt,
And prepare your emotions for disappointment.
This just sets you up to accept failure.
Your emotions are leading the way down to insignificance.
How about envisioning the best outcome?
What if you win big?
What if you get the recognition,
The promotion,
The money,
The partner,
The life beyond your expectations?
How would you feel when amazing things happen?
Think about it.
Then,
Feel how you would feel when the best scenario happens.
That's the emotion to unlearn the old pattern of sabotage.
Every time you find yourself imagining the worst,
Stop and say out loud,
I don't want this.
This is what I want.
And say what you want to happen instead.
This is simple,
But it works.
It will take lots of repetition until you master it.
I know it because I used to be there.
Your life will reflect your uniqueness when you display it in the world.
Practice it.
Envision the best coming your way.
Imagine yourself leading boldly from wholeness and conviction,
Meeting your definition of success.
Let this vision pull you forward.
Behavior number two.
Stop minimizing yourself.
Many women have been socially conditioned to preface their ideas by minimizing themselves.
How often have you started to share a thought in a group or meeting by saying,
I'm sorry,
But,
Or,
This may be a silly idea,
But,
We unwittingly sabotage our contributions in advance by framing them through apologies and disclaimers.
Starting sentences with,
I'm sorry.
Instantly disempowers whatever we say next.
It casts our perspectives as inferior or inadequate before anyone even hears them.
The reflex comes from a place of being unable or unwilling to own our worth and voice.
True leadership requires confidently sharing ideas without undercutting them at the outset.
Next time you feel compelled to apologize before presenting an opinion,
Stop yourself,
Take a breath,
And rewrite the script in your mind.
I have a perspective to share on this problem that may help us find solutions.
You have valuable wisdom to contribute.
Discard pointless apologies and stand proudly in your worth.
Let your ideas speak for themselves without self-imposed diminishment.
You deserve to take up space and be heard.
Until you can say your thoughts with full confidence,
You can say,
Mark,
In my experience,
Share your thought.
Or,
Tom,
Here is another way to look at it,
Share your opinion.
Always use the name of the person you are addressing.
People like hearing their names and are thus more likely to pay full attention to you.
Behavior number three.
Silencing your voice.
Far too often,
Women bite their tongues when they have something to say in meetings or group settings.
We hesitate to interrupt or speak up quickly,
Even if we have urgent insights to share,
So we miss the chance to contribute meaningfully.
This tendency to minimize ourselves by waiting and staying silent is a learned behavior.
As little girls,
We got scolded for being too loud or speaking out of turn.
Now we police ourselves by lingering in silence,
Even when we have the answers.
Sometimes,
Women passively wait for impossibly perfect timing until someone else says what they want to say,
Preempting their idea.
During one of the women's development trainings,
A manager shared that she always hesitated to speak when the boss asked questions.
Then,
Her co-worker shared her idea,
Which she had shared with her peers.
She was so upset that she left the meeting immediately to cry in the car.
The ideal solution to prevent experiences like this is to speak up and share your ideas first.
When someone else shares your idea for you,
Be ready to address the issue and take credit.
Please do not yell out loud that it was your idea.
Instead,
Say gracefully,
Hey Tom,
Mark is right.
When I came up with this plan and implemented it before sharing it with everyone to ensure it would work,
I met with these outcomes.
I have been in meetings where no one knew the answer to the bosses' questions and everyone stayed silent until I voiced it out.
It turned out that none of the boys would admit to not knowing.
However,
True confidence requires you to own your position.
You can start by saying something like,
I may have missed it,
But I don't recall reading that.
In calls with my teams,
Many of the women would wait until the call was over to ask me a question.
Other times,
They texted me questions during the call.
They were valid questions,
And I am sure others needed the answers,
Too.
Why would anyone be afraid of asking questions?
Perhaps they had been shamed for not knowing the answer in the past,
Or they were embarrassed for not knowing the answer,
Or just wanted to keep up the persona of knowing all.
Any leader who shames someone for asking a question the leader assumes they should know must be fired.
Holistic leaders encourage questions to ensure others have the tools and knowledge to complete the job and win.
As leaders,
We must unlearn old patterns and practice confidently voicing perspectives,
Asking questions,
And steering conversation.
Do not overthink it or rehearse it in your head for too long.
If you have something meaningful to contribute,
Speak bravely when moved to.
You add immense value through your lens.
Take action.
This is your moment.
You know the path and are open to successful outcomes.
You know your natural and dormant talents.
You made a decision and can envision the outcome.
Now,
Take small steps toward it.
Write down the actions you need to take to move forward on your path.
I encourage you to spend at least 10 minutes listing all the actions that come to mind without worrying about order or details.
Then,
Review your list alongside your definition of success from the previous chapter.
Are the actions you've written down aligned with your goals?
For example,
If you envision making more money,
You may need to ask for a raise,
Perform better,
Or change jobs.
Having a conversation with your boss,
Updating your resume,
Or getting your team to be enthusiastic about their job could be important steps.
Action creates opportunity,
Releases stagnancy,
And breeds courage.
So choose one small action to take.
You know you want to go to another level or you wouldn't be listening to this audiobook.
When you take consistent action,
Confidence grows.
New choices become conceivable.
Then achievable.
