Chapter 3 The Costs of Ignoring the Self It's not your job to like me.
It's mine.
Byron Katie Let me reveal a hidden truth with the little tale of three women shopping for coffee.
A woman goes to buy coffee and finds only one wildly overpriced option at $1,
200 a pack.
Though exorbitant,
She buys it because she really wants coffee and money is no concern.
Woman B goes to another store with the same $1,
200 coffee.
She tries negotiating but only gets the price down a little to $1,
000 before caving.
It's expensive,
But she really wants her coffee.
Now,
Woman C goes to yet another store and sees that same $1,
200 coffee.
She negotiates it down to $500 but decides even that is beyond her budget.
Though she'd love the coffee,
She walks away empty-handed,
Committed to drinking tea instead.
You see,
When woman A and B learn woman C passed on the coffee despite getting it 50% off,
They grow upset.
They realize they overpaid relative to her deal.
But the packages are already open.
No returns or renegotiating now.
A and B feel trapped,
Having invested their precious time and money.
Only now can they consider that perhaps C made the wise choice to walk away,
Though it seemed crazy to give up half-priced coffee.
The coffee represents your goals and ambitions,
But you are not a commodity.
When is the price of your success too much?
Are you already paying too much for your success?
As a holistic leader,
You don't flee dreams but align them with your heart.
If they conflict,
You're in the wrong place and it's time to reset your inner compass.
Women attempting to adapt to the double bind of leadership often do so by minimizing or ignoring aspects of themselves.
The statistics listed in the previous chapter showed that women would rather give up than fight what seems to be a losing battle.
When the multifaceted self gets suppressed or neglected,
Consequences arise emotionally,
Physically,
And spiritually.
Health suffers.
Vitality wanes.
Leadership presence diminishes and meaning gets lost.
This chapter explores the common costs women leaders face when parts of themselves get left behind.
Emotional costs.
Some people will be surprised that we are talking about emotional costs in a leadership book.
However,
We can't talk about leadership without addressing its emotional impact on women.
Managing conflicting expectations and backlash takes an emotional toll on women leaders.
Suppressing emotions like fear,
Vulnerability,
Sadness,
Or hurt requires immense energy.
Putting on a mask at odds with one's true feelings breeds distress.
Many women leaders end up feeling inauthentic,
Isolated,
Or burned out as a result.
They want to leave,
But when they have financial pressure to stay,
That's what they do.
They continue to work while yearning for something more.
Physical cost and burnout.
Women experience burnout at approximately 1.
5 times the rate of men.
Pressure to consistently exceed expectations drives many to exhaustion.
And ignoring personal and family life for work breeds resentment and emotional collapse.
In my book,
Self-Trust,
A Healing Practice for Women Who Do Too Much,
I suggest that when women trust themselves,
They stop overdoing and overthinking and no longer feel overwhelmed,
Exhausted,
Or burned out.
Suppressing emotions and lacking support networks fuels burnout too.
Women who feel compelled to mute emotional needs like friendship,
Empathy,
Or work-life balance end up depleted.
Burnout impairs both leadership capacity and physical health.
However,
Companies often overlook it until crises arise.
Implementing flexible work policies,
Setting boundaries,
And supporting resources reduce burnout risk proactively.
However,
Organizations need to have the necessary conversations about the conscious and unconscious suppression of women in organizations.
Have you ever experienced burnout?
When was the last time you felt overwhelmed,
Emotionally depleted,
Or exhausted?
My research has shown that burnout is not a one-time incident,
But a roller coaster.
People who experience this go through a cycle of being bored,
Overwhelmed,
Worn out,
And finally,
Burnout.
Then,
Life makes them stop completely until they can recover,
And the cycle starts again.
In my book,
Self-Trust,
I suggest a five-step program to break this cycle.
These steps focus on paying attention to depleting behaviors,
Changing your mindset,
Digging deeper to core wounds,
Implementing five paths of change,
And sustaining the changes you make.
For a more detailed exploration of these steps,
Please refer to the PDF that accompanies this audiobook.
Burnout shows how people ignore their body's needs,
Damage their health,
And diminish the energetic presence vital to influence.
Yet many women feel pressure to overlook their exhaustion,
Illness,
Or injury to prove themselves and serve others.
Imposter Syndrome Imposter syndrome involves feeling like a fraud,
The idea that one succeeds stems from luck or looks rather than qualifications.
Women fall victim to imposter syndrome at nearly twice the rate of men.
Doubting oneself and working relentlessly to prove one's worth leads to anxiety,
Eroding the confidence necessary for leadership.
For the women whose options are to stay on when they see their inner criticism as irrational,
The imposter syndrome diminishes.
When women feel like imposters,
They attempt to fit rigid and unrealistic expectations they created for themselves rather than expressing their true selves.
One of the ways they try to overcome this is by mimicking masculine speech and behavior patterns that contradict their authentic personalities.
This emotional incongruence undermines every unique and needed leadership capacity over time.
Lack of self-care Good self-care habits like healthy food,
Exercise,
Sleep,
And restorative practices reduce stress.
However,
Many women leaders fail to prioritize self-care,
Believing leisure is lazy or indulgent.
Violating the body's needs leads to depletion and long-term disease.
Some people think that they can function well with 3 or 4 hours of sleep,
But they can't.
Experts recommend that adults get between 7 to 9 hours of sleep per night for optimal health and performance.
However,
Research shows people are sleeping less,
On average,
Than decades prior,
Which comes at a cost.
According to a review in Sleep Health,
Adults sleeping fewer than 7 hours nightly have elevated mortality risk.
Short sleep duration is linked to an increased risk of diabetes,
Heart disease,
Obesity,
Depression,
And motor vehicle accidents.
Making sleep a priority boosts motivation,
Mood,
Cognition,
And overall well-being.
Rest is essential,
Not a luxury.
Building rest into schedules and routines sustains the energy needed to thrive.
As holistic leaders,
Modeling healthy sleep habits also benefits their teams.
Women leaders can prioritize self-care in ways that enhance,
Rather than detract,
From their leadership.
Methods include taking brief breaks each hour,
Setting boundaries around work hours,
Building regular movement into each day,
Taking vacations,
And cultivating rewarding relationships outside of work.
For more detailed suggestions on implementing these self-care practices,
Please refer to the PDF that accompanies this audiobook.
Strategic self-care makes women more present,
Energized leaders.
It models good work-life balance for colleagues as well.
Intentionality,
Self-care,
And strong leadership complement each other.
Spiritual Costs and Meaning When my younger self arrived at my dream job of working in New York City as a Director of Sales and Marketing,
A position I had set my eyes on only five years earlier,
I couldn't foresee that living my dreams would make me so unhappy.
Being the top-performing unit in the division didn't take away the misery I felt.
It turns out that in the quest for external markers of success or financial endurance,
Women leaders may lose connection to their inner wisdom,
Ethics,
And purpose.
Ignoring their inner compass for status or survival leaves them rudderless.
When work focuses solely on status,
Profit,
And achievement,
Its meaning gets lost.
Women who suppress values and passions to fit the expected leader archetype often end up disillusioned.
It's important to cultivate purpose,
And aligning work with beliefs is vital for fulfillment.
Leaders should assess whether pursuits honor their deepest commitments.
What is success worth if it's not guided by wisdom?
What is your definition of success?
For some people,
Success is making lots of money.
For others,
It is having a large family.
For a few,
It's a position as CEO.
What is your definition of success?
If you silence all of the expectations placed on you,
Imposed or not,
Where do you want your path to lead?
Please note that I said path.
Success is not the destination.
This is one of the biggest misconceptions that career-oriented people have.
Success is the way.
Success starts when you wake up each morning with how many times you snooze the alarm and how you enjoy your shower to motivate you or shake off the day.
Success commutes with you to work and spreads through your office,
Meetings,
And Zoom calls.
Success travels with you and socializes in the cafeteria.
Success is not a 40-year retirement plan.
It's now.
In the PDF that accompanies this audiobook,
You'll find three important questions to help you gain clarity about your personal definition of success.
These questions focus on what experiences you want to have,
How you want to grow,
And how you want to contribute to the world.
I encourage you to set aside time to reflect on these questions and write down your answers.
You have choices.
Now that you have an unfiltered definition of success,
What is holding you back?
Every moment you stand at a crossroads between many possibilities and your comfort zone,
You waste your talents.
Not choosing is a choice,
And you need to choose consciously.
Choosing growth and contribution over complacency is the path to becoming the type of holistic person and holistic leader everyone wants to follow.
If you've decided that your current path isn't working,
Keep listening,
Because your talents and leadership will be needed wherever you go.
Holistic leadership reminds you that you possess innate wisdom.
Like a sun behind clouds,
A wise inner voice speaks within you,
However softly at times.
It holds your truths,
Desires,
And highest potential if you listen.
Still,
You have a choice.
Will you listen or ignore it?
Leadership begins by choosing to trust your inner wisdom over doubt.
Self-belief seems risky only because it contradicts past notions that you must wait on others' permission or validation.
Women were taught by generations to be seen and not heard,
To play small,
To not ruffle any feathers,
And to do as they're told.
We all know that this is intrinsically wrong on so many levels.
Today,
You are validated by your inner guidance to become the holistic leader at work,
Home,
And community.
The choice to honor your inner knowing is the first step.
Every moment,
We choose,
Consciously or not,
To be comfortable or courageous.
As Eleanor Roosevelt said,
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Blaming women's history,
Circumstances,
Upbringing,
And the past is soul-depleting.
The empowered choice you are called to make is to determine,
From here forward,
How you will think,
Feel,
Act,
And become the woman you want to be by your own standards.
A holistic leader challenges limited perspectives.
In the PDF,
You'll find reflective questions about limiting beliefs,
Habits that need renegotiation,
Decisions you need to make but are afraid of,
Who used to make decisions for you,
And whether you have to tiptoe around someone regarding your decisions.
I encourage you to take time to consider these questions and write down your answers.
Perhaps this is the time to leave the easy ways behind and play big.
It doesn't have to be today.
Today,
You just need a decision.
I learned that when a thought keeps coming back around,
It's time to take action on it.
Every action starts with a decision,
And your choices will create ripples.
