Hello my friend,
I'm Alison and this talk answers the question,
Why do we go to the people who criticize us or are likely to criticize us for approval?
Why does their approval matter?
Now,
This might not be something you've noticed in your own life,
But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
So has this ever been something that's happened to you?
Is there someone who's consistently warm towards you,
They like you,
They appreciate you and they enjoy who you are?
And you barely question it.
But then,
There's that one person.
Maybe it's the friend who makes slightly cutting remarks,
Or it's your parent who always finds something that you could have done better.
Or the colleague who just always seems unimpressed by you.
Possibly a partner who withholds praise but is quite lavish with criticism.
And somehow that's the person whose approval you find yourself working hardest for.
And how you might do this is perhaps you tell them more about what you've achieved than anything else,
Hoping they'll finally be impressed.
Maybe you over-explain a decision because you desperately want them to say,
Actually,
I understand why you did that.
You notice yourself being extra funny or extra helpful or extra accommodating around them.
Perhaps you replay a conversation afterwards wondering what you could have said differently.
So why?
Have you ever wondered why?
Why can the approval of the person who readily loves and appreciates us sometimes seem to have less value than the approval of the person who withholds it?
And it can happen in very ordinary relationships.
Maybe you have a parent who's always questioned your choices.
You're 45 years old and perfectly capable of making your own decisions,
Yet you still find yourself presenting your new job or relationship or life choice to them,
Almost as though you're making a case before a jury.
Perhaps there's someone in your friendship group who can be subtly critical of you.
And nine other people respond warmly to something you've done.
But whose face are you watching?
Whose reaction?
Are you vigilant for?
You're watching their face.
Did they like it?
Were they impressed?
What did they mean by that comment?
And I think this is a fascinating place for self-inquiry.
We can ask,
Whose approval am I working particularly hard to get?
That's interesting,
And that will reveal things.
Who do I find myself explaining or proving myself to?
And whose criticism stays with me longer than other people's appreciation.
And when did I give this person so much authority over how I feel about myself?
And you can write those questions down.
Because sometimes we discover something surprising.
And that's that we aren't seeking their approval because their opinion is especially valuable.
But their opinion has become especially valuable because their approval has been so hard to get.
And those are two different things.
So let's unpack that a bit because a few psychological processes can be involved.
In this idea of the person whose approval it's hardest to get can become the person whose approval we most want.
So this is an idea called conditional acceptance.
And if someone alternates approval with criticism,
We can begin to experience their approval as something to earn.
So rather than thinking,
This person's very critical,
What happens is our mind makes a subtle shift to,
If only I could just get them to approve of me,
I'd know I was okay.
So it becomes not their story but ours.
And then there's something called intermittent reinforcement.
In behavioral psychology,
Rewards that arrive unpredictably can be especially compelling.
That's what the data shows.
So someone who is consistently supportive may feel wonderfully safe,
But their praise doesn't produce the same quest.
You're not hunting going after it,
Desiring it.
With a critical person,
The occasional well done can become disproportionately valuable.
Because of this intermittent reinforcement.
Because you don't hear it very often,
It seems to carry more weight.
Now obviously that's an illusion.
And then there's rejection sensitivity and belonging.
And I have a track on rejection sensitivity and a course if there's something you deal with.
It's something that really interests me.
Humans are exquisitely sensitive to signs that we may be rejected by the group.
And this is for survival reasons when our brains first developed at the beginning of time.
And because of that,
Criticism can pull attention toward the critic.
An anxious attention that has been feeling very sensitive to rejection,
Will say,
What do I need to do to restore my standing with you?
It's an ancient social survival response,
Even when the relationship in question isn't remotely necessary for our survival or even desirable for our thrival.
Then there's something called self-verification,
Which relates to old relational patterns.
If criticism resembles something familiar from our earlier relationships,
Often those we have in childhood with our other family members and especially our caregivers,
Then we can unconsciously keep returning to the old problem,
Hoping for a different ending.
Perhaps this time I can finally make the critical person see my worth.
So trying to resolve an old relational wound through a new relationship,
And it feels very important.
It might not be something you're doing consciously,
But your psyche,
Which remembers everything,
Wants to settle this score.
It wants to fill in the empty spaces that craved being seen and being seen as worthy and never got that because the person who you were living with,
Who you were growing up with was so critical.
Now in a relationship where there's someone who is occasionally critical or tends towards criticism,
You see this little shard of hope,
This little sliver of sunlight of hope.
That you can reenact the old problem and get a different ending.
And so that makes you really want to search for that worth,
Really want that attention.
And the other thing is that we all have a negativity bias.
It's a natural bias in our brain.
So 10 people can appreciate us.
One person might disapprove.
Who's the person that keeps you awake at night?
What are the thoughts that you're mostly having about the one person,
Right?
Our attention keeps wandering back to number 11.
Because the disapproval feels like unfinished business.
So a beautiful distinction to make,
A really important distinction is that wanting approval isn't quite the same thing as wanting connection.
Sometimes we're pursuing a critic's approval in the sense of thinking it'll create some kind of connection we need.
Believing that if we can finally change their mind,
We'll get that connection,
Or that safety,
Or that belonging.
But we may actually be moving away from the people with whom those things are already valuable and already available,
And we don't have to work for them.
So I'm going to offer you a tool for this.
I'm hoping that this talk will help you begin to feel more of a sense of your separateness in this experience,
That actually another person isn't needing to tell your story for you of how worthy you are.
But the more you think they are and make them that authority,
The more you're going to feel that be unfulfilled,
Keep getting wounded by the criticism and keep going back to see if this time you can get the appreciation in all the ways I said,
Using behaviors.
A lot of effort and a lot of keeping yourself in the pattern than the problem.
I'm hoping this talk will help you step back a bit and think,
Well,
I'd like to exit that pattern.
Obviously this could take time and some support,
But mainly we have this awareness now where we can make an intervention.
Oh,
I was going to say something to seek approval.
I don't think I will.
Because I know who I am and I know who automatically gives me respect.
And sees me with a gaze that tells me I'm completely worthy as I am,
Doesn't find fault with me.
That's a much safer place to be.
The main tool then is when you feel yourself.
In that territory of asking how can I make this person see that I am good enough.
Right?
In all the ways.
How can I make this person see that I'm good enough?
Can you make a shift from that to,
Why have I appointed this particular person as the judge of whether I'm good enough?
Because what?
Corrupt judge.
That judge is not a fair judge.
And you're sending yourself into harm territory by making them that judge.
Perhaps you could even see them,
Dressed up like a judge with their gavel.
And you making a decision,
I'm not going to attend this court.
I'm not going to go into this courtroom and see yourself walking out,
Walking away and walking back towards the people who respect you and see you with whom you feel relaxed and safe and able to be yourself and never have to try hard to win approval.
Just doesn't even come into that space.
Walking away from that courtroom,
Walking back into the life that is yours.
And how healing that will be.
And perhaps also even more powerful is to recognize that it's their criticism that's created the hunger for their approval.
It hasn't necessarily made their opinion more valuable.
It's just made your hunger for approval amplified.
So their criticism is in no way useful to you.
And if it's not,
Then their approval is not useful to you either.
None of it is.
We don't want to confer authority on the critic.
We want to claim the authority back for ourselves.
And to do that,
We start behaving.
As someone.
Who,
When another person.
Questions us.
Criticizes us is not the person qualified to validate us.
They're just not necessary.
So the top tips are noticing,
Right?
I notice I really want this person to approve of me and just naming that creates a little space around it because it can be a real pull.
Then asking what their approval has come to represent.
It could be Am I good enough?
Am I lovable?
Do I make the right decisions?
Do I belong?
Am I not selfish?
Get in touch with that because once you know what you're actually seeking,
You can begin to give yourself that reassurance or get help to build that in you and heal whatever took it away more directly.
Separate the criticism from the authority.
Someone having a strong opinion about you doesn't make them an expert on you.
Just ask,
Why does this person get a vote on this?
And notice the impossible bargain.
We can unconsciously make a deal with ourselves.
Once they understand me,
Or approve of me,
Or admit I was right,
I can relax.
That's impossible.
Try.
What if I don't need their agreement in order to be at peace and relax?
Now,
Another thing is really important,
Which is to stop making your case if you're doing that.
Notice the urge to explain yourself one more time or defend yourself or provide another piece of evidence,
Phrase something perfectly,
You know,
Writing more and more emails,
PS,
Blah,
Blah,
Blah.
I just wanted to say,
You know,
Or somehow get them to see.
And see if you can just experiment with allowing yourself to be misunderstood,
Because every When a human being gets misunderstood,
It's just part of life.
And see if you can just allow yourself to be misunderstood without immediately correcting the record or needing to.
And as I said,
Turn towards the people who already see you.
The people who trust you and enjoy you and respect your choices and understand your intentions.
Don't let one withholding voice become louder than ten loving ones.
We have to practice tolerating disapproval,
A lot of us,
I think.
It's a very powerful practice,
Actually.
It can feel uncomfortable at first because it's activating,
But you could actually intentionally make a small choice that you know someone might not approve of.
And then just discover that actually you can remain intact and you can remain connected to yourself and you're still safe.
And your nervous system learns through experience and it needs to have a felt experience that someone can disapprove of you and you can still be okay.
Maybe a bit wobbly,
Maybe that's hard,
But you're okay and life goes on.
And it makes them feel smaller then.
They're not as big and in charge of you as they have been.
And I can't state this highly enough,
But when you understand the thing you're trying to extract from them by seeking their approval,
The actual thing,
Give yourself that thing.
That's when you say,
I believe myself.
I trust my intentions.
I give myself permission.
I know why I made this choice.
I don't need to prosecute my case.
So my friend,
What would change if you stopped trying to win love or approval or understanding from the least available source?
The breakthrough.
Isn't actually getting your critic to say yes.
It's discovering that their yes is no longer required.
So please go ahead if this has been helpful to you.
And bookmark it,
This talk,
And share it with anyone you think would benefit.
And it's something you can come back to and use for your own explorations.
It's a great,
Liberating journey of self-discovery when we actually face up to these difficult parts of our life,
Ones we really want to be free of.
And we find we make space for amazing things to come in.
It's very enlightening and it's very empowering.
So it could be something,
Though tricky,
That is actually also delightful.
And I hope it will be for you.
Thank you for listening,
And until next time,
Be well,
Take care of yourself,
And bye for now.
