Hello my friend,
Thank you for coming here.
I'm going to talk about the reasons people might be critical of other people.
And I think this can be helpful for when we feel criticized or have been criticized in a way that activates us and makes us feel a little lost sometimes or distressed or destabilized.
Because when we know the reasons,
We can understand that it's less personal than we think or not personal at all.
And I also think that we all can be critical and judgmental of others.
And it's getting very commonplace here in the digital age.
And we don't want to live a life where we're judging instead of loving or whether we are seeing people negatively when we could be seeing the goodness in them.
But it's sometimes really a defense mechanism that we have.
So by explaining the reason people can be critical,
I hope it sort of helps you if you're feeling critical or criticized.
One of the most painful things about being criticised is that we often assume the criticism is telling us something true about us.
It's hard to separate the criticism from the person who is giving it and their motives.
We can feel very exposed.
And if this criticism touches on a fear we already have about ourselves,
And we all have fears and insecurities,
It really can feel like a truth that we have to confront and can make us feel shame.
And shame is the most painful emotion to feel,
Which is why we can really react strongly to that feeling of being criticized or judged.
But very often,
And almost always,
A criticism is telling us something about the state of the person doing the criticizing.
Now this doesn't mean that all criticism should be dismissed.
Sometimes it's useful feedback and it's valid and the way it's delivered shows that it's coming from a kind place.
I know often I can do better and if someone shows me ways in which I might be able to do better,
That's actually a good thing for me which I value.
But the energy behind chronic criticism or criticism as an attack.
Reveals something about the critic rather than the criticized.
And that's different.
When someone is consistently critical or critical in a certain way,
That means they've completely undermined how you'll receive the criticism.
What they're showing you is the world that they are living in.
That their inner world is organized perhaps around threat,
They're seeing danger rather than good,
Safe,
Beautiful things in others.
Disappointment,
They may be very disappointed in themselves or with life and they're seeing in their criticism what is missing from inside themselves.
Inner world could be organised around perfectionism so they see flaws more easily than they see the good messy stuff that life is.
Often it's organised around shame and they're seeing inadequacy and they're projecting that.
It's so painful to see that inadequacy in themselves.
That they have to see it in others and express it about others to feel better in themselves.
It can come from fear.
They can see more what could go wrong than what can go right.
And often people who have very loving but also critical parents That is the case,
That the parents are feeling anxious,
It's a protective strategy,
They want you to be okay.
They love you,
But they're seeing more what could go wrong.
And that comes across as a criticism,
Especially if you do make mistakes or things do go wrong.
The criticism,
In other words,
In all these cases,
Has very little to do with you.
And this perspective can help us stop taking every criticism as a verdict on our worth.
And I think an important nuance is also that we're not judging the critic either.
We don't replace They're right about me with,
They're just damaged.
Because then we become the critic.
There's another way and that's to become curious.
We could ask,
I wonder what experience or belief.
.
.
Or nervous system state is giving rise to these words.
And just asking those questions.
Helps us understand without absorbing,
Or even if we don't understand,
It gives some space between us and what can be the sting of the tail of criticism.
It doesn't excuse cruelty or meanness that we have to tolerate.
But it does help us not fully absorb it.
My friends,
People don't only speak from their personality.
They also speak from their physiology,
Their history,
Their fears,
Their habits of attention,
All the stories they've lived inside for years.
And that's a powerful reframe,
Isn't it?
Because it helps us remember that criticism is filtered through a human nervous system.
It's not objective.
It's not an objective position that's above everyone else.
And if someone spent years practicing fault-finding,
And maybe that's because once that kept them safe,
That can become the lens through which they experience life.
You may know people like that who constantly fault find.
This isn't really because they want to,
It's a nervous system response.
It feels safer than perhaps looking for good things and possibilities that might in fact feel unsafe,
Feel like they can't really have them because of something that happened in the past.
But conversely,
When we do practice noticing kindness and beauty and courage and humor.
Generosity and possibility.
It becomes more available to us.
These things actually become more available to us.
Where we look,
We see.
Where energy is flowing is where our attention is going.
It's about changing our relationship with reality,
Not denying it.
So this does give us hope because instead of concluding they're just a critical person.
We can think this simply might be the way their mind has learned to organize experience.
You know,
And if it was learned,
It can also be to some extent unlearned.
And I think the important thing to do in those moments is separate yourself.
Not every opinion deserves to become your identity.
Use their criticism as information to consider,
Not a definition of who you are.
Do you agree with it?
Do you not?
Do they have all the information?
Are they perhaps coming from what's happening in their inside world?
And then that gives you this space so that you're seeing where it's coming from rather than wearing it as a label.
And then you can meet it with discernment,
You can meet it with self-trust,
You can Meet it with compassion for yourself and for the other,
And you can move more swiftly from it.
And remember all the practices that bolster our sense of self,
That you know who you are,
And that you're not expecting yourself to be perfect.
Helps us in these situations.
And wouldn't it be lovely to live in a world where we can all express our opinions freely without being condemned for them,
Where we can express in the way we want to express without being looked at as if we're odd or we don't fit in.
So there's a role here for us when we feel criticized or when we're criticizing to practice this kind of noticing that we've been doing in this talk.
If you found this helpful do let me know and also perhaps this is something you can have to listen to for those moments when you do feel a bit overwhelmed by someone else's judgment or something you can share with someone you know.
Thanks for listening.
And it's always so good to spend time with you and to read your comments and to see you at the lives.
So until we meet again,
Bye for now.
