Graceful Relationships - Part 9

Join us for a transformative series of talks exploring our relationships. How are they shaping the way we live? What are the fundamental forces shaping them? What does an enlightened relationship look like? From another perspective, we will observe the non-dual nature of existence, following The Song of Mahamudra, eventually bringing both aspects into one unified harmony.

Co-hosted by our beloved Carly Beaulieu.

The song of the Mahamudra Chapter 9: Beyond and beyond The song continues: One should not give or take, but remain natural—for Mahamudra is beyond all acceptance and rejection. Since alaya is not born, no one can obstruct or soil it; staying in the unborn realm, all appearance will dissolve into dharmata, and self-will and pride will vanish into nought.

Transcript

So, Hello everyone, Welcome to this unique opportunity we give ourselves every week to stop the rush, Hold hands and walk the path together, Not just as individuals but also as one united consciousness that is asking and answering itself. And evolving, Using that tension, Evolutionary tension that hides between the question and the answer. And we are on chapter 9 out of 10 in our journey towards graceful relationships. So, This meeting is going to be dedicated to your questions referring to any relation, Related issue or concern, Difficulty, Struggle, Challenge, Anything you feel that is still unresolved and you would like to offer that so you can shed that load off your back. The deal is, Once you offer it, You let go of that issue. So, This is your opportunity to shine and to contribute. This is not a lecture. We will be guided by your questions and your inserts. And the second half of this meeting will be dedicated to follow the song of Mahamudra that will remind us that relationship is just an illusion. But in the meantime, Who would like to be the first one to jump into the water? Ah, Of course, Karl is here to sound the voice of the sincere seeker. So, Use her wisely. Got lots of familiar faces here tonight. Barbara is saying, I've just spent four weeks caring for my ill older sister. She is 70. Wonderful opportunity to reflect on the role of family expectations. I had to laugh at myself many, Many times. Nothing is good as long as you remember this is all just one joke and you don't take situations and yourself too seriously. That's fantastic. Phoebe is saying, Hi, First time here. Oh, Just to finish Barbara's thought, Relationships were formed in the family and they continue for a lifetime. Yeah, The first relationship we have is with our mom and with our dad. And definitely these affect the nature of relationship we have forward in our journey. So, Phoebe is asking or saying, My husband uses attacking language almost every morning, But he is more kind the rest of the day. You can make a deal with him that you don't speak until 11 a. M. No words pronounced, Only sign language until 11 a. M. And Phoebe says, I'm silent when he speaks roughly. Yeah, What to do when we are engaged in a relationship which is hurtful. This happens a lot, No? Sometimes it's our partner, Sometimes it's the boss at work, Sometimes it's whatever. A neighbor and we experience harsh words or actions. What to do? Of course, The rule goes like this. The secrecy of life comes first above everything else. So, If secrecy of life is endangered, You do whatever is required to make sure that you are safe and healthy. Yes, Not even because of your own private needs or agenda, But because of the secrecy of life, Which is currently endangered. So, You protect life. This is, Of course, Before everything else. But let's say that's not the case. And these are just harsh words or circumstances that you have to face. What to do then? What I recommend is, First of all, Make sure that you are free of violence. You are free of violence. Okay, Make sure that the violence you meet has got nothing to do with you. You don't generate or contribute anything to a violent circumstance. And how do you know that you are not contributing anything? Because in you there is no tension, There is no fizzerishness. There is no anger, Disappointment, Judgment. There is no frustration building up. And if you're not sure, Then look in your body. If your body is tight, You know that you're experiencing suffering, Some sort of suffering. So, Make sure you are free of that and you don't contribute anything violent to the present moment. And then how to react to other people's actions and words? Fearlessly. You make sure that your reaction is not led because of your own suffering and your own fear. Okay, You don't react because you are afraid. Afraid. Or you don't keep silent and unreactive because you are afraid. Do you see what I'm saying? Some people are just shutting down, You know, They are just hiding in their bunker until the storm passes. Some people react violently against harsh words or deeds. And in both cases, This can be a result of fear. Fear of the situation, Fear of the pain the situation might inflict. So, What to do? Make sure you are free of fear. And then you will know what to do, How to react. What would be the most harmonious reaction to a given situation? You will know that. Why? Because you're guided not by fear, But you're guided by love. The opposite of fear. By compassion. What is compassion? Compassion is you recognizing other people's suffering and having an emotional reaction to that. Yeah, I can feel your suffering. I can feel your pain. I understand you're upset. Your pain is my pain. This is compassion. When you see someone suffering, What do you do? You fill the situation with your love and compassion. That's it. No judging. No, I need you to change for me so I can be less afraid or less miserable. You don't put condition on your love. You don't victimize yourself around the situation. What is victimizing is somehow convincing yourself that the situation is the cause of your misery. So, Now you have to sit and wait until the situation is different. This is victimizing yourself, Right? Phoebe says, I do feel that. . . Sorry. I've transformed my. . . I've transformed a lot in my reactions. I try to ignore. I do shut down until the storm passes, But I think it's because of fear. I do feel that he has pain and they send him love. Good. It's a good start. Recognizing other people's pain and be compassionate about it. Don't judge. Don't criticize. Don't put conditions. You do that and until you do that, I will not be able to be happy or free or comfortable. No. That's never the case and that's counterproductive. What to do? You make sure that you are free of violence, Of suffering. And of fear. And then you know what to do. When you are fearless, You know you are a tool of love. And love can be manifesting itself in many ways. Sometimes what the other person needs is a border, Okay? The limit. This is it. Up till here. You cannot cross this line. Not because I need a limit, Because you need a limit. You are out of control. So you put a line. Why? For him. Because you love. And sometimes the other person needs a hug or a glass of water, You know, Or just eye gazing. Look me in the eyes, You know? Whatever the situation calls for, You will know how to react. But only when you are free from suffering and pain and fear. Sorry. Suffering and fear. So work on that. Instead of trying to change the other person or expecting to change for you, You make sure that you are free of fear and suffering. Do you see what I'm saying? Hug, Water, Eye contact, While feeling compassion. Good summary. Excellent. You know, What do people want from us in a relationship? Especially an intimate relationship, Like my partner. Or, You know, A close relationship. All this manipulation, All these behaviors, Sometimes harsh, Sometimes full of pain, Full of drama. What do they really want from us? Why are they behaving like that? Do you know the secret? Playing the good boy, The bad boy. You know? Why do people behave like that in those patterns? What is the sub-root of all that? Have you ever asked yourself that once? I tell you, They only ask for one thing. Whether consciously or unconsciously, They only want one thing. Your partner only wants one thing. Your mother, Your father, Your child, Your lover, They only want one thing from you. You know that? What kind of love? Not just love. A special kind of love. Unconditional. Unconditional recognition. Yes, I love you. I love you whether you're happy or sad. I love you whether you're pleasant or unpleasant. I love you whether you are joyful or full of pain. I love you because you are. That's it. There, Because you are there. Not you are this or that. You don't put conditions. I love you because you're there. That's it. Know that I love you unconditionally. I don't need you to change. I don't wait for you to change. I don't expect you to change. I don't want you to change. Please don't. But if you will, I will love you even more. That's it. Unconditional love. Can you provide that? Can you provide unconditional love? Because if you can, Then you fulfill your purpose in that relationship. But if you can't, It's a difficult bargain. It starts a difficult bargain. How much you give, How much you take. This is a never-ending drama. Think about your relationships. Your personal relationships. Think about them. Can you be providing, Shedding into that relationship unconditional love? What are they saying? Barbara said, I found myself looking to my sister for the answer to who am I. I am the younger sister who does X, Y, Z repeatedly. Over and over, I had to drop the expectations, Old patterns, Etc. How to drop old patterns? It's a beautiful question. How to drop old patterns? The secret lies in recognizing them. Recognize how they manipulate you. Like a robot, No? You are triggered by some phenomena. Boom, You react. There is no choice. A robot has no choice. If this happens, This is his reaction. If that is happening, Right? You press the button, The finger goes up. You press another button, The finger goes down. The robot has no choice. When you are triggered by old patterns like that, You also act like a robot. So recognizing those patterns as they manipulate you in real time is the way out. Oh, Now I'm triggered by her words, By her action. And the way I used to be triggered when we were children or whatever, Or my mother, Doesn't matter. Recognize that in real time. Once you recognize it, Boom, It loses its effect. It can only work when you are not aware. If you're aware of it, Oh no, This is how I'm programmed to react. I don't have to react in a specific way. I'm just automatically used to. But I choose differently now. I have a choice. I'm not a robot. Do you see that? You meet a phenomena, For example, Now is, We call this phenomena pattern. We meet a phenomena and we choose what to do with it. Do we believe? Do we identify? Do we reject? Do we hold on to? Or are we just allowing it to pass so another phenomena can manifest without identifying? Barbara says, Yep, I laughed at myself over and over. I am the sister who is tidy on time, A good cook, Etc. It's so true. See it and laugh and it loses all power. Yeah, It loses all power. Why? Because it doesn't have power of its own. Any phenomena you meet doesn't come with its own internal power plant. You give that power to the phenomena when you identify, When you believe. So this has to be understood. This has to be realized. If you're not, If you don't know how, One of the ways to do it is practice the guided meditation about me and my mind. It's available on my Insight Timer page. Find it and practice it. This meditation is designed to help you recognize the difference between the experience and the experiencer. Recognize they are not the same. Experiencer is there always. Available to choose what to do with this phenomena that he meets. What does Barbara say? Not only understand the words, But let it transform my heart. I have used that meditation many times. It is excellent. See, If Barbara tells you, Go and do it. Listen to my words is good. It's a start, But it's only the start. If you want to dive deep into this knowledge and help you transform the way you meet reality, Practice is required. Unless you don't really want, And you prefer to live your life as you used to, Not because it's so great, But because you're accustomed to it and you're afraid of the change. Transformation is scary. Granted, Transformation is scary. But if you hear this calling, And you feel deep in your heart, You want to answer it, Practice me and my mind. Beyond all words and symbols, As the song starts. Yeah, I feel the calling for Tilopa as well. But let's give people a chance to ask one more question. Don't waste your opportunity. Who truly and honestly wants to transform the nature of their relationships? Now is the time, Step into the light, Show yourself, Ask a question. And if you hear an idea that sounds like, No, No, This is only my first time. I don't want to interfere. Maybe people will think this and that about me. I don't feel comfortable. If you hear yourself thinking something like that, Don't believe it. Don't be triggered by that idea. I was wondering if we should talk about the example that we talked about last night before we forget it. We keep having conversations about things, And then we talk about how we want to bring this into our groups on Insight Timer. And then by the time the group comes on Insight Timer, We forget what we talked about. We can give a teaser, And then we can expand on our Saturday meeting. Yeah, The teaser is that it's a new way to think about how you identify yourself or define your identity. And a little more clarification around what it means to live in victimhood and identify yourself as a victim or not. What does identity really mean? Oh, Deep questions. Identity is a manufactured concept. It's not a thing. This has to be realized. Identity is not an object. It is self-created, Artificial. Yes, And sooner or later, You are invited to look in the mirror and realize what is the story you believe when you refer to yourself. What are you telling the world and yourself about yourself? And realize it's a made-up story. It's not the answer to the question, Who am I? Never. It doesn't matter what the story is. You can tell yourself that you are a loser and life's a bitch, Or you can tell yourself that you're a winner and everything is yours. You can tell yourself, I'm an enlightened being and God speaks through me. Whatever identity you have, It doesn't matter. It's an illusion. Eventually, You will be invited to shed this off, Like you take off a costume. No, Like the actors, They have these costumes that they put on. You will be invited to take the costume off and face the question, Who am I now without that costume? Without that story, I've been telling myself about myself. What is Phoebe saying? I don't think you're very good at giving teasers. I summed it up. Anyways, You are invited to come on Saturday, Nevertheless. Phoebe says, I am transforming now. It is scary to let go of some beliefs, But I emotionally need him. Like, I emotionally need him. I do want to stay together and also don't need to. The story is sometimes hard to see, The story that I need him. Yeah, Yeah. Sometimes when we look in the mirror, What we see is not pleasant at all. Sometimes it's horrifying. But without honesty and courage, Looking at the mirror and recognizing how you are right now, What are the stories that you tell yourselves? How do you behave? How do you react? What are the forces that guide you and the forces that hold you back? Without recognizing all that, There is no way you can grow on the spiritual path. Just keep telling yourself new stories, More refined stories. But they are just stories. It's got nothing to do with the truth. That's why honesty and courage are the most important values, Virtues of a spiritual seeker. And the first thing a spiritual seeker is encouraged to do is look in the mirror. And then ask yourself, Do you really want to change it? Do you really want to grow beyond? Do you really want to come closer to the ultimate state of Mahamudra that we're going to discuss now? If you do, If you truly, Sincerely want to transform, Good. We are here to help you do that. So we are going to refer to the song of Mahamudra. What is Mahamudra? The highest state of consciousness. And this song was sang by a teacher called Tilopa to his beloved disciple called Niropa 800 years ago. Where he is attempting to describe the state of being he is in while recognizing from the first step that this is an impossible task. So he's singing a love song to his beloved disciple. And chapter nine goes like this. Beyond and beyond. The song continues. One should not give or take, But remain natural. For Mahamudra is beyond all acceptance and rejection. Since alaya is not born, No one can obstruct or soil it. Staying in the unborn realm, All appearance will dissolve into dharmata. And self, Will, And pride will vanish into naught. Before we try to unravel these mysterious lines, Just allow the vibration that these words carry to penetrate. This is much more than just conveying ideas and thoughts. So the song continues. One should not give or take, But remain natural. What does it mean? See, In a relationship, Almost in all cases, We are negotiating. How much I give, How much I take. Right from day one, It's like an unwritten contract between two suppliers. I will do this only if you will do that. Giving and taking, Giving and taking. Why is that? Because we are not recognizing who we are. We come into the relationship contracted, Scaled, With a deep sense of separateness. We long for a sense of unity, And we somehow hope that through the relationship, We can achieve that. But that ultimately creates dependency, No? Because I cannot be complete without you. I don't believe that I am complete as I am. That's why I was out there looking for a relationship to begin with. There is a demand that you will complete me. You will provide whatever I feel I don't have. And the little I do have, I need to really be careful about. So this will not be depleted. So this endless negotiation, Giving and taking, Giving and taking, Is what runs the relationship. Do you see that? I have to be honest about it. What prompts you to search for a relationship to begin with? It's a sense of lack and need. And the hope that through the relationship, You can be quenching your thirst, Right? You come thirsty. So Tilopa is saying, No, No, No, No, No, No. This is not how it works at all. One should not give or take. You don't participate in that game at all. It's not about giving more or taking less, You know? You just don't participate in that game of giving and taking. You just stay natural. What is natural is balanced, Is expressing your true self. What is your true self? Unconditional love. And an embodiment of wealth, Of abundance for Mahamudra is beyond all acceptance and rejection. You know, This constant reaction that we have with the reality that we meet. We spoke about that on various occasions, No? We either accept or reject, Accept or reject. Craving and aversion, Craving and aversion. I don't have enough. I need more. Crave. Or I have little, I have to protect it. Aversion. Mahamudra is beyond that. You don't continue that endless dance, Checking all the time how much you get, How much you give, How much you get, How much you give. That inner accountant is dead. And doesn't manipulate your relationship with reality anymore. And no, You cannot kill him, Unfortunately. But you can be aware of how it manipulates you. And that awareness is what starts your journey. Since Alaya is not born, And this is the crescendo of his teachings today, So listen carefully. Since Alaya is not born, No one can obstruct or soil it. Alaya is the highest state of consciousness. The ultimate state of consciousness. Since it's not born, No one can obstruct or soil it. Nothing and no one. What does it mean? Think about it. How do you define a phenomena? How do you know that you meet a phenomena? Every phenomena has a beginning, And if it has a beginning, It also has an end. Right? Everything that is born must die. So Tilopa is reminding us, No? The highest state of consciousness is not born. It's the only thing that is never born. It exists beyond the realm of time and space. It allows time and space to dance with each other. So when you recognize yourself to be an expression of the highest state of consciousness, You are basically connected with eternity. Eternity means exist beyond the realm of time. You truly were never born, And you will never die. And if you want to experience that through practice, There is a guided meditation called self. I am self. Find it. Practice it. It will help you get in touch with the eternal aspect of yourself. And eternity cannot be threatened by the temporary. Fleeting events are not a threat. Do you see that? Staying in the unborn realm, All appearances will dissolve into dharmata. So when you stay there in that state of consciousness that recognizes the realm of phenomena without identifying with it, Everything will dissolve. You don't have to fix anything. You don't have to fight against anything. You don't have to cling to anything. Because everything are just passing events that you are invited to experience in a given time, And they will pass. Self-will and pride will vanish into naught. You don't need to kill your pride. You don't need to fight with your will, With your wants and needs. You don't need to suppress them. You don't need to put yourself into a rigorous regime, Rigorous regime. Force yourself out of earthly interactions, No? Just stay natural, Everything will drop. The one sentence to remember from this is, Eternity cannot be threatened by changing events. This is the homework I would like to invite you to practice. Imagine yourself as an expression of eternity. Imagine yourself to have never been born. Forget about the body that you live in, Just for 10 minutes. Recognize the eternal nature of your own consciousness. Which is just an aspect of a universal consciousness, Which exists beyond time. Recognize yourself to be eternal, And then go back and look at the world of phenomena. And see now, From that perspective of eternity, How does that change, How does this affect your relationship with what you meet? Play with that. Sounds like a good plan? Great homework assignment. So, Good luck with your homework. Thank you for your time and your awareness, Your beautiful questions. And we can meet again this coming Saturday at 12 p. M. Mountain time to discuss your resolutions. What did you find? And we can continue discussing about victimizing and generating an identity, Or any other question that you bring. Good night, Good morning, Wherever you are. Love you.