You may have heard this before.
In your day.
Back in your day.
Well,
Things were different then.
And when someone says it to you,
Something shifts.
It might be said casually,
It might be said without any clear intention.
But it places you somewhere very specific.
It places you in the past.
Not just in terms of time,
But in terms of relevance.
It suggests that whatever mattered about you belongs to an earlier version of your life,
And that what is happening now is somehow secondary.
And you may not respond to it in the moment,
You may not even move past it quickly,
But something in you does register it.
And if that feels familiar,
Then please stay with me.
My name is Martha Curtis.
I'm a psychotherapist and coach,
And I work with creatives and support individuals who are or have been in abusive relationships.
And alongside that,
I run a training practice where we develop coaches and support leaders in building clear,
Healthy,
High-functioning environments.
And part of that you may begin to notice,
Especially over time,
Is how often language carries assumptions about where you belong.
Not explicitly,
Not in a way that's easy to challenge,
But in ways that shape how you are positioned in the moment.
In this talk,
We are going to look closely at phrases like in your day and what they are actually doing.
I hope that you will begin to recognize how these expressions reflect internalized ideas about age and visibility and value,
And how they can subtly reposition you without ever stating anything directly.
We will also look at what happens internally when you hear this,
And how you can stay grounded in your own sense of presence rather than being moved out of it.
So what happens when someone says this to you?
When someone says in your day to you,
They're not just referencing a different time.
They are creating distance between you and the present.
They're suggesting that the most relevant version of you existed somewhere behind you.
And because this isn't said directly,
You are left holding this implication rather than responding to it explicitly.
And often,
That's when it lingers.
You may find yourself thinking about it afterwards,
Not because of the words themselves,
But because of what they actually carried.
When you hear this,
There is a useful question you can hold on to.
And you will laugh about this,
But I really mean it.
What day are they referring to?
Because your life has not existed in one defined period of relevance.
You have had different phases,
Different expressions of yourself,
Different forms of contribution.
You have adapted and changed,
Developed and continued.
The idea that your value belongs to one specific moment in time is not something you have to accept.
It reflects a narrative and not a fact.
Phrases like this often reflect internalized beliefs about age and gender.
Ageism suggests that value is tied to youth and that relevance diminishes over time.
Sexism reinforces the idea that a woman's worth is linked to how she is perceived at particular stages of life.
And when these two combine,
They create a structure where women are placed on an invisible timeline.
A timeline where there is a peak,
And after that,
A gradual movement out of visibility.
Even when people don't consciously believe this,
It can still shape how they speak and how they relate to you.
And that is where these phrases come from.
So what happens inside you when you hear it?
When you are placed in the past in this way,
Of course your system registers it.
You probably notice a shift,
And you may become aware of how you are being seen.
You may adjust slightly in how you speak or respond.
You may feel a subtle sense of being outside of the moment.
Sometimes it's very faint,
And sometimes it's more pronounced,
But it's there,
Because something about your current presence has been moved.
And this can feel stronger than expected.
If you have spent time in environments where your value felt conditional,
Or where you had to adapt to how you were perceived,
This kind of language can lend more strongly.
You may find yourself becoming more careful,
More attentive,
More aware of how you are positioned.
That's not because you are unsure of yourself,
But because your system has learned to track shifts in how you are being seen.
So when something like this happens,
Even a tiny bit,
You feel it.
And that shapes interaction over time.
When this kind of positioning happens repeatedly,
It can begin to influence how you move through spaces.
You might hold back slightly,
Or adjust your tone,
You might question how much space you are taking up.
And you notice yourself referencing your past,
Rather than speaking from your present.
And none of that happens suddenly,
It actually accumulates.
And over time,
It can create that sense that you are no longer fully located where you actually are.
But you can come back to your own position.
You don't have to correct every comment,
You don't have to respond in the moment.
But you can remain clear internally.
You can recognize that what's being implied is not an objective truth.
It's a perspective shaped by broader cultural narratives.
And you can decide not to take that positioning on.
Your relevance is not something that has already happened.
You are not a reference point from a previous time.
You are here,
Now,
With your full capacity to think,
Contribute,
And engage.
And one of the most important shifts you can make is internal.
Because when you notice yourself being placed in the past,
You can bring your attention back to where you actually are.
That could be your current work,
Your current thinking,
Your current presence.
You don't have to move yourself in response to someone else's framing.
You can stay where you are.
And here you might want to pause after each question to reflect.
So let me ask you,
When have you heard phrases like this directed at you?
What did they suggest about where you belong?
What happened in you when you heard them?
And how do you actually understand your own relevance now?
Take your time and let those questions sit with you.
Language does more than describe.
Positions.
And when you begin to notice how certain phrases place you in relation to time and value and relevance,
You gain actually something important.
You gain the ability to stay anchored in your own present.
You are not defined by a single day.
You are not located in a completed version of yourself.
You are here.
An ongoing process of thinking,
Contributing,
And evolving.
And that is not something that has already passed.
And if this talk resonated with you,
Then please consider sharing it with another woman who may have had this experience.
But maybe hasn't quite learned how to be with it.
Until next time.
