Who Am I When No One Is Looking?

In this session we begin a deep connection to the body, bringing our awareness into our heart/belly space, breathing and connecting to the self deeply. We end with a contemplation of the question " Who am I when no one is looking?” Remember to share your thoughts and ask any questions in the classroom. This track was taken from the course ‘Hunt Your Own Shadow’, available now via my profile on Insight Timer.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the session, I invite you to take a seat or lay down and get yourself comfortable, You can close down the eyes if you wish and take a deep slow breath in through the nose and out through the mouth. So as the lead in to today's session, I really want to feel and I want to help you feel strongly situated in the body, Not really floating in your head per se but just sort of more pulling your sense of self down into your heart space or into your belly space, I invite you to turn the lens of your attention to your heart or to your belly, Whichever one feels most energetic and open and alive right now and just sit in that space, Breathe into that space and almost invite that energy that you feel into that space to open, To expand with each in-breath you are growing that energy, That inner fire and extending it from your heart or from your stomach throughout your whole body and with each out-breath you are releasing any tension, Any blockages, Any issues that are arising, Sort of like a cleansing fire, Cleansing breath sort of situation. So with each breath in, You are extending that fire, Making it grow, Making it spread and then with each out-breath you are cleansing and releasing and just from that place of inner strength and whilst maintaining the breath, Just want you to gently and briefly scan your body for any points of tension, Darkness or confliction or confusion, Just breathe some of that cleansing fire energy into that space, Your feet, Your legs, Your belly, Your back, Your chest, Your shoulders, Your arms, Your neck, Your jaw, Your face and your head, Just breathing into that space and letting it release, Letting it open up. If you feel the need to just move or wiggle your body a little bit to tense or release it, I invite you to do so now, Now just draw your attention to the sensations coming into your body, Maybe the ground or the shoes at your feet, The clothes on your body, The feeling in the room, The temperature, Any wind or breeze, Just sit and feel your body for the next few moments. So whilst sitting in the sensations of your body, I'm going to invite you to open your mind up to a question, And I want you to approach this question from a place of flexibility, Suppleness and possibility, A place of openness, When I ask you this question and we sit in silent contemplation for a little bit on it, I don't want you to judge anything that arises because that'll put blocks up, That'll stop your brain from flowing, Rather just allow things to arise, To flow, To be, Because it's from that place of openness and flexibility that we will be able to delve into the wisdom that is deep within us. So in a moment I'm going to ask you a question twice, Then we're going to sit in silent contemplation of that question for a minute, This is the question, Who am I when no one is looking, Who am I when no one is looking. So this concept, This question, Who am I when no one is looking, It evokes certain lines of thought and contemplation in my mind, And the first thing right off the bat that I want to address is, You know, A response from the various spiritual traditions, Particularly the split between dual and non-dual spiritualities. A non-dual practice will suggest that there is no I, The Atman and the Brahman are one, The ego dissolves into the universe sort of situation, That the I, The self, Is a myth, Whereas dualistic practices will, You know, Posit that you're over here and God or the divine is over there and spirituality comes from the union of the two. But for this question I want to sort of move beyond, Or sort of just put those thoughts to the side, Because regardless of where you're at in the spiritual journey and what sort of traditional practice or lack of you follow, Unless you've attained enlightenment, You will still feel a distinct sense of self, And that's sort of where I want to speak to, This idea of who you are when no one is looking, Because we can approach this topic from a completely secular perspective and still get some deep insights that, If we add that practice back in, Or add our traditional spiritual overlays to the top of, Can add deeper insights. Who am I when no one is looking? Let's consider the roles that we put ourselves into in everyday life, You know, As an employee or a boss, As a parent, As a son, A daughter, As a leader in, You know, A community, As a person in a particular society, A member of a certain traditional religion, All of these are sort of masks that we wear, Roles that we put upon ourselves, And that we sort of pretend to be. I don't know about you, But in my experience it seems like most people are acting, And we just get better and better at acting, At putting on this mask, At pretending, And sometimes we get so good at pretending that we forget that we're just putting on that mask. Take any person in a job role, Most of the time they're putting on that persona, You know, The lawyer, The policeman, The teacher, The barista, The DJ, Pick any role, There are certain expectations that we have to have and have to fulfil to do that role properly. But that's not us. I used to be a high school teacher, And when I was teaching I put on the teacher-zac role, That was me. I mean, Getting meta here, Me teaching this course to you right now, I have to put on the role of instructor, Guide, Sage, Wisdom imparter, Pick a word here, But there's a persona that I'm putting on right now, Because if I was to put on a different persona, If I was to be who I was or who I am when I'm helping my seven-year-old or two-and-a-half-year-old sons, That's a different version of me, It's still me. But it's not my true core, It's not who I am at my core, Right? When I'm with friends from the gym versus friends from my poetry circles, I act a little bit differently, But I'm not any of those individual personas. Now, I strongly abdicate being as pure and honest and open and vulnerable and authentic as possible, But nonetheless, Unless you go really far out, You will have to sort of sand back some of the rougher edges depending on the context, Because the context will dictate what you need to be and how you need to act. If you go into a cinema, You shouldn't talk so loudly. If you are walking in the street, You probably want to be wearing clothes. If you are talking to your children, You may respond differently with a different emotiveness to your partner, To your employees, To your boss. So all of these faces, These masks, Are all you, But they're not your core truth. So this question, Who am I when no one is looking, Tries to dig away and push away all of that sort of stuff. You know, When you look in the mirror, Who stares back at you? But I even think it can go a little bit deeper than this, Because I sort of ask myself, A interplay between the self and the observed self and who I am at my core, The person asking the question versus the thing it's looking at. It's this sort of introspective paradox that is hard to untangle, Because there are times when I'm totally alone and I'm acting based on the expectations. It's like no one's there, But I'm still sort of playing a role in a weird way. Reminds me of this quote from Alan Watts, It goes something along the lines of, You are under no obligation to be who you were five minutes ago. You are under no obligation to be who you were five minutes ago. And that really resonates in this space, Because who you are may change. But I just am curious to see the invitation when you ask yourself, You know, Who am I when no one is looking? Is that thing solid? You know, If I'm sick, I will act and respond and be differently. If I'm overwhelmed by emotionality, Anger, Jealousy, Lust, Desire, Happiness, Joy, I will respond and be a different person. If I'm inebriated, I'm a different person. If I'm tired, I'm a different person. If I've had good news or bad news, I'm a different person. I'm wondering, Is there a solid sense of self to come back to? Or perhaps I am the change. Perhaps I am the process. Perhaps who I am is a range. You know, Who Zack is, Is, Sits between these, You know, Multidimensional points. But then I now consider, Well, Maybe I just haven't been pushed to my limit. Maybe who I am has only been expressed to certain levels because I've only been exposed to certain things. Who am I when no one is looking? It depends. It depends on who I have been. But I know that I can change. I know that were I to look back and make different choices or, You know, Different things happen to me in the day, I would be feeling differently. Therefore, Am I different? Is there a core sense of who and what I am? I guess maybe we go back. We do need to go back to this dual, Non-dual tradition, Spirituality thing that I mentioned at the start because I seem to have come full circle on it. My personal belief is that it certainly feels like there is an I to come back to. But when I try and pin it down, I can't. It feels like I'm trying to pin down mercury. So therefore, That makes me feel like maybe there is no solid I. But then when I look, It's like the mercury is there. The thing that I'm trying to pin down seems to be there. But I can't quite pin it down fully. So maybe if I need to look at myself over the lifetime, You know, I am the process. I am the change. I am the flow. That's one way to look at it. I know that there is a distinct Zachness, Me-ness feeling that I have now. And I know that although I will present differently in the different roles in the different contexts, It is still me. I know that I feel consistent over time, But that I do change over time. Now, You know, If we talk down this idea of a soul, This ethereal sort of thing that, You know, Transcends death that, You know, Different religions will have. I don't know if I can resonate with that because I've not quite seen the evidence for it. Show me your soul and I will wonder if you're not referring to personality traits or your inner space or your intuition. Prove to me that it will transcend death. It's getting quite metaphysical now. But once again, I would argue that you can't prove any religious claims. It ends up being a question of faith and belief and inner experience. But that's neither here nor there. If we come back to this contemplation, This question, Who am I when no one is looking? For me, All of these things arise. So I guess what we need to do now is just sit with that contemplation of who am I when no one is looking. And, You know, Before we sit in that contemplation, I just want to leave you with one final practice that you could do as like a daily meditation is just to ask yourself, Who am I? And see what arises and just ask whatever arises. Who am I beyond that? Just keep asking, Who am I? Who am I? Or if you prefer, What am I? And just keeping on asking that same question. And maybe you come to an answer. Maybe you don't. Maybe you enter this sort of ever receding paradox of, You know, Self-observation sort of thing where you're the thing that's observing the thing that's observing the thing. And then you realize that you are that entire process. There is a mantra that I resonate with that goes Tattvamasi. It means that the observer, The observed, And the act of observing itself are one. The knowing, The knower, And the known are one. Different ways of stating this Tattvamasi as a mantra, But that could be a inner practice, Maybe a mantra repetition practice, Something to consider doing. You say to yourself or ask yourself, Who am I? What am I? Alternatively, You repeat the statement Tattvamasi or I am that as a repetition, As a mantra and just feel what arises. So I invite you to experiment and play with that, You know, In your own time as a formal meditation if this sort of contemplation of who am I when no one is looking is appealing to you. But what I invite you to do now is just to sit in contemplation for one more minute on the question, Who am I when no one is looking? Who am I when no one is looking? So, Well done. This brings us to the end of the session. At the bottom of your screen, You'll see the option to view the classroom or to ask a question. And before moving on, I invite you to take a moment to click through and share your insights, To read the answers from the other students, And to hear my replies. This is an opportunity for deep learning, Further introspection and insight. So please don't miss out. I look forward to seeing you in the next session. Thank you. This track was taken from the course, Hunt Your Own Shadow. It's out now and available through my Insight Timer profile. I invite you to check it out, And I'll see you there.