A Proven Dating Approach For Single Women Over 40: Episode 8

If you’re dating after 40 and tired of chasing unavailable partners or following bad advice, this episode of The Stop Chasing Unavailable Guys Podcast is for you! I’m sharing the framework I’ve used as a love coach (and in my own life) to go from a "hot mess express" to married to the love of my life in my 40s. You'll learn how to stop chasing love and start letting it in with my three-pillar approach: Let, Love, and In.

I also address the biggest myths in dating—why “knowing” what to do isn’t enough, how action changes everything, and why the “right guy” won’t just fall into your lap (spoiler: you have to put yourself out there).

Transcript

If you're dating after 40 and you've heard all the worst dating advice for women and now you're like,

Well what am I supposed to do to find Mr.

Right and stop chasing these unavailable guys?

In this episode I'll give you the overview of my framework I've used as a love coach and for my personal life to go from single hot mess express to married to the love of my life in my 40s and what I've been teaching my clients for 15 years.

Stay tuned for all about what to do to turn your dating method into the fastest path to find Mr.

Right.

Let's go.

Welcome to the Stop Chasing Unavailable Guys podcast where I teach single women over 40 the fastest path to find Mr.

Right so you can stop wasting time on emotionally unavailable guys.

I'm your host Truly Eleanor and I'm here to give you the tools to find the love you desire.

After years of coaching women worldwide and breaking my own patterns to find Mr.

Right in my 40s I know love is closer than you think.

Let's get started.

Welcome to this very special episode.

Today we're gonna dive into all of the what to do since the last few episodes I've been talking about the worst dating advice and what not to do.

So if you've been wondering,

Okay Eleanor what am I supposed to do?

This is gonna answer your question.

I wanted to start off with three caveats though and these are some things that I hear on a regular basis.

For example someone saying,

Well this is not anything new.

I haven't learned anything new.

What you're saying I already know.

So my first caveat is don't think that you're gonna hear anything earth-shattering or cosmically new today.

You know what to do when it comes to dating.

There's nothing new under the sun.

You are familiar with what needs to be done.

That's not the problem.

The problem is how you go in the opposite direction that you want to go in and what methods you rely on to make your choices for yourself.

Even when you know deep down it's not good for you and will be the same thing over and over again.

And it rhymes with Mabotage.

So you know what I'm talking about here and believe me I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad.

I did this for so many years and I know exactly what it feels like.

I just want you to kind of throw out the idea that it's going to be all of a sudden this earth-shattering advice is gonna come out of nowhere.

The second caveat is it doesn't matter what you know or what you've learned or read in books.

You know I've had other people say you know this is the same thing that I've been reading in books for like 10-20 years or even what you've learned on podcasts.

It won't make any difference whatsoever unless you act on what you want and use this proper guidance system that I'm going to be talking about to lead you there to lead you to this kind of relationship you're looking for.

And the third one which might be the most obvious but it needs to be said.

The right guy will not fall in your lap.

No matter what manifestation experts are going to say.

So if you never leave your house or you only talk to people online or you're scrolling on social media or you never interact with others in any way shape or form.

You will be waiting a very very very long time for someone to show up if they ever do and you'll get very very frustrated.

So you have to actually put yourself out there.

You have to get out there and you know if certain avenues are not what you want to do.

I always like to say give it a try.

Try out different avenues of how you can meet someone whether it's dating online,

Meeting in in-person events,

Telling your friends and family.

There's only you know a very small handful of ways to meet people and you've got to try at least once and I always say do more than one.

Alright so now that we've got all that sort of housekeeping out of the way let's get into the juicy stuff and this is what I call the let love in technique.

Letting love in is all born out of the fact that I was chasing love for my entire life and I'm not going to go into my story.

You can go back and listen to the first and second episode where I talk about my love story and my love journey but just suffice it to say I chased and I was just like the queen of unrequited love and spent so much of my time trying to prove myself and run after people who weren't available and tried to convince the right guy that he was the right guy and spoiler alert he wasn't.

So that's why I call it the let love in technique.

You are going to stop chasing after love and you're going to let love in and so just kind of picture that idea let it sink in a little bit and you can use that as the backdrop to what we're going to be talking about today as I give you an overview of my framework.

So the let love in technique is something that I've developed over the last 15 years as a love coach and something that developed organically for myself on my own journey to find my true self and to find a love that I was truly desiring.

The love that I dreamed of and I call it pinch me love.

So this is a three pillar approach that teaches you how to go from your head to your heart.

The longest journey is from the head to the heart.

I don't know who said it but it was very very very wise because most of us can spend our entire lives in our head and that's what causes us to go around in circles do the merry-go-round loop of different emotions feeling bad about yourself and why doesn't this guy love me and but I've done everything I possibly can and he still is not responding in the way that I want.

So being in your head is I'll give you some examples of what you would experience if you're in your head as opposed to your heart and then we'll dive into the pieces of this let love in technique.

Being in your head before a date for example you're gonna feel confused like I don't even really know what I want maybe I don't even want a relationship right now why am I going on this date I don't even know if I like this guy and you'll have anxiety so the anxiety is coming from all of these thoughts that are just going around and they're actually the thoughts are making you feel like you're going crazy and you're going around and around in circles because you're second-guessing yourself that's another way that you can recognize you're in your head you're constantly second-guessing your choices well should I give him another chance I've already been on a date I don't know if I like him I didn't feel the spark you know your mind will come up with a hundred million reasons and every other reason for you to make a choice is going to be weak so it's not going to be based on and I don't mean that you are weak I'm meaning that all these excuses and reasons and things to take you on this rollercoaster ride is your mind it's your mind is taking you in every direction and your mind really has no idea what it's talking about the mind only comes up with a million different reasons of why it won't work out well you know I'm 43 and this guy is 44 and there's no way he's going to be interested in me because I was told one time that guys my age will only want someone who's 30 and then your mind will take you off on another wild goose chase so of course you're going to have extreme anxiety before a date why wouldn't you if your mind is just taking you every direction and all of the directions you don't want to be going in and also the mind can take you in another direction that isn't healthy either all the reasons it's going to be a fairy tale romance I felt you know this cosmic shift or you know when you go back and listen to my story when I fell again for my first boyfriend 25 years later and I was like this is it we're star-crossed lovers this is like the universe is telling me something that you know we were meant to be in all of these years you know the the universe has brought us together so that's another tangent that your mind can take you on with actually no grounded focus or ability to actually feel into that and be like is this is this true okay and you know you'll tell you'll start telling yourself and this time it's different but this time it's different so that's another example of the mind no but this time it's gonna be different it's totally different this time how many of us have felt like that you may be saying that to yourself right now like some guy that you're supposed to go on a date with no but this time it's different so how you feel before your date how you feel on the date and how you feel after the date is very easy to recognize once you understand what it is being in your head and those are some examples that I just gave you that will help you to clue in and be like am I in my head all the time versus being in your heart the heart is so wise I will tell you this it is just so wise and your heart can guide your mind so here's some examples of being in your heart before a date you will feel inspired confident self-assured maybe you're sitting there and you know having glass of water and doing your makeup and you put your hand on your heart and close your eyes and say this is exactly where I need to be and funny thing is when you're in your heart your mind is quiet your mind is just very soft maybe your mind is saying a couple things like I better leave now because I don't want to be late or something logical but there's going to be no wild goose chase you'll just feel very self-assured that's what it is to be in your heart maybe you'll feel a little bit of excitement you know the excitement that feels safe and that's another thing that I help women distinguish is how can I feel that excitement in my heart but still feel safe as opposed to being in your head you might feel that adrenaline rush which is almost like an example of you know a time when you maybe should run in the other direction because you're feeling almost like the cattle prod you've been prodded by this adrenaline rush and you're like I feel so over the top full of adrenaline and excited but it's over the edge it's like if I just ate ten chocolate bars that's how you would feel so that's another example of how to compare whether you're in your heart or in your head when you're in your heart you feel that sense of excitement but it feels very deeply grounded in your body you feel very much in the flow things are running smoothly you're able to tune into your own presence of yourself while you're on the date before the date after the date and you know how you're feeling you can just take a quick moment to be like how am I feeling right now and it just there's a space this expansive feeling and you can also very much easily tell how you feel around the other person when you're in your heart because you're deeply connected to yourself in a very profound way and you have room for that you have space for that as opposed to being in your head you're out of your body you're going around in circles your energy is very frantic very ungrounded you don't even know whether you're coming or going and those are extreme examples but I've definitely been there and you can maybe take a moment right now to see take stock of some of the dates you've been on or how you've been dating in quotes here your method of dating and seeing you know how do I feel most of the time have I ever felt like I've been in my heart or do I mostly live in my head so these three pillars as the let love in technique the first time around I would say you do them in order but you can go around these three pillars many times and each time you will go deeper into your true self forming a relationship with that part of you what is the role of awareness in your dating life to me I would describe it as the lights are on you know your patterns you know your triggers you know how you're feeling you understand what past relationships shaped you and how you see yourself because of that your eyes are wide open in other words you see that you are sabotaging yourself you understand and you are aware of what you do on a regular basis you are aware of the kind of guys who trip you up where they're just like intoxicating and you're like oh my god this guy is so amazing and you know the pattern and you know how everything is rolled up you know the writing on the wall even as you're doing it so this part of the awareness for example my client realized after we were working together and doing some of these techniques and tools that she was chasing after someone who was leading her on and this was one of her patterns and she could clearly see that she just wanted to be seen and heard truly seen and heard and something in this guy made her want to prove herself or have him see her and so that made her work harder to be noticed and knowing this she realized that she needed to break that cycle and so she shared her feelings with him and he blew her off from that moment on she decided that she didn't want to waste her time on him anymore and guys like him and she really needed to let go of the idea that she had to prove herself to find love now that is the true example of awareness and really being in your power around awareness it is a very very very important first step of course we're not going to stop there because as I was saying when we learn things or we do a deep awareness a deep dive into awareness we have to go to the next step it's very important so the love part of the let love in is around love goggles you want to take off those love goggles so acceptance of the second pillar is very important we can't skip this this is what I'm talking about is accepting because if we move on from awareness of our not-so-great choices and patterns we might go immediately into beating ourselves up I've done this many times where I was like oh my god I'm 40 I'm still chasing these guys who are immature they're not emotionally available to show up for me and still they have another form of not being available they're a workaholic alcoholic they use drugs to escape reality what is wrong with me why can't I just stop doing this and that was beating myself up so that's why I've made it very important and to follow this step you go from awareness straight into acceptance you don't want to beat yourself up you want to give yourself some loving acceptance this is really like a deep healing stage where we work with the hurt parts of ourselves to fully and unconditionally love who you are no matter what no matter what choice you've made this is a work in progress and we can revisit this many times over in our lives that's why these tools are so valuable in this technique is so it stands the test of time because it's got all of these tools that you can use for a lifetime to help you find love to help you stay true to yourself and maintain a healthy relationship like I'm six years into my relationship with my husband and I still have to go into shadowy places and send love to the parts of me that get triggered and feel unloved and I need to always give myself this healthy dose of acceptance it involves looking at your insecurities and facing them with kindness and compassion I love to say to myself and my clients it makes perfect sense that you would feel hurt or triggered over this you learned growing up that love is conditional based on being a good girl of course you would feel a sense of mistrust with potential partners you never felt safe growing up so of course the solution to this is big love to all parts of you and that's where the acceptance comes in and the love part so the last piece of the let love in is the in in your heart you trust this is where you cultivate an authentic connection with yourself connection to your true self connection to your heart connection to your intuition I have many tools of how to master your intuition how to live from the heart as opposed to the head and to connect and find and discover on a daily basis your true authentic self who you really are this is where you start to form a deep bond with yourself you plug into your heart you tap into your intuition you lean into the most spacious parts of your heart that help you feel seen and held and heard there's nothing more special than having that sense of connection with who you truly are I'll never forget in the middle of my deep healing one day when I was on the train and I was sitting there looking out the window and all of a sudden I had this most remarkable experience I don't even really know how to describe it but it felt like all of a sudden my insides were lit up like this Christmas tree or this beautiful bright light it was like the inner light inside of me got activated and I just felt this warm beautiful light flowing through me and then just beaming out of me in every direction and if you think of a you know like a flower when it opens up I felt like I was lifting and opening up and my entire body was like filled with this light and it was shining out of all parts of me and I was just sitting on the train minding my business but something happened where I just I guess connected to that part of myself and it started to thrive it started to shine it started to unfold almost like a sunflower and opening up to the Sun it was the most beautiful experience and that was is the way I would describe how you can feel when you have that authentic connection with yourself and then you can imagine how much easier it is to be in your heart to plug into the heart wisdom to connect to your intuition to listen to that beautiful whisper of what your heart desires and to go after it to actually go in the direction of what your heart desires as opposed to running and chasing whatever is in the opposite direction so when I describe my let love in technique to you just know that it's a process I'm still a work in progress I'm a work in process whatever you want to call it we can go through these pillars at any time in our lives at any point when we're looking for love whether it's self-love or you're in the throes of dating or you've just met someone amazing and you're not quite sure about it you can use this technique and the tools that go with it I wanted to end today with some examples of transformations that clients and people have had from using this technique and using my tools for example as someone a client had said you sure helped me to bring more love and joy into my life you made me so much more aware you took me from trying so hard to be good by someone else's standards which just meant I was being controlled to knowing myself and my worth I had no idea that I allowed others to make me wrong I had no idea that others put down my dreams and ideas thinking they were helping me anyway it has been shocking to wake up how did I make it through so many years of that I could not do it now and I am glad so before I started using Eleanor's tools I was a bit lost and unclear about how I could shape my life in order to live authentically and to live the life I truly wanted I knew I had so many opportunities and gifts at my fingertips but my self-sabotage and buried emotional pain was holding me back from allowing myself to truly be me and be free Eleanor was not only so easy to talk to you and so compassionate she had a way of getting me to open up and dig into a lot of the emotions I had been trying to bury for many years feelings of guilt and shame and unworthiness all came to the surface from there she gave me the tools to heal I now feel so much more myself I feel lighter and free to take my life in the direction I truly want I will always be grateful for meeting Eleanor and for the support she provided me it has been a true gift such a beautiful example of these transformations another client has said Eleanor's process has already yielded healing and major shifting with my mindset and all negative beliefs and patterns she has created a powerful technology for anyone ready to bring in the relationship of their dreams and someone else said I've seen this beautiful energy coming from myself when I look in the mirror how beautiful is that I remember I couldn't even barely look at myself in the mirror when I was younger and so I understand the beautiful transformation that this person is describing when they could actually see that wonderful energy of their true self coming out of them when they look in the mirror I feel so excited to online date this is a really great transformation because so many women have talked to have said I don't even want to date I don't want to go into these online dating apps there's just a nightmare and there's so many games so to actually feel excited to date is such a beautiful transformation and someone else said so inspiring it feels empowering to trust my intuition and scary that means no more overthinking and just do it instead I love the way she describes that because it's true this is all about taking action but action in a different way in a different approach and not being taken every direction on this wild goose chase of the mind this is where you fully take your power back and make your choices from your heart from your intuition from your guidance and following your true hearts desires that's what this is all about and so I hope that you have become very inspired and excited by this episode and to join me next time for as we dive into each part of these three pillars individually and talk more about the specific tools and techniques that I use so that you can be armed and ready to get excited and change your dating life so that you can find the fastest path to mr.

Right and remember a love is closer than you think