Dating After 40: How To Spot An Unavailable Man In 5 Steps

Are you tired of playing the online dating game only to be disappointed yet again? If you're a single woman in your 40s looking for Mr. Right, this mini-class will give you the five steps to recognize an unavailable man before you get involved. Truly, Eleanor, Intuitive Love Coach + Reiki Teacher for 15 years gives practical advice on this topic based on dating in your 40s: it's different from dating in your 20s and 30s! This is based on her original track but updated to help women over 40 find love.

Transcript

Five clues,

He's unavailable.

This is for women who are 40 plus and fabulous.

I did a version of this before,

But I wanted to really dial into dating in your forties because it is very different and there's a lot of things and nuances and challenges that can come into play with dating.

I'm truly Eleanor,

A love coach who helps women after 40 find love,

Find Mr.

Right.

I had my own challenges with decades of,

You know,

Choosing the wrong guy over and over again.

And having just unhappy relationships until I was able to finally overcome my insecurities and trust my intuition to meet and marry the love of my life in my forties.

All right,

So let's get into the first one.

So this is talking about when you're first dating someone and you're getting to know them,

Some of the clues that you can pick up on so that you don't actually get caught up in a relationship or spending a lot of time with someone who is ultimately really unavailable.

And you may find yourself months or years down the road,

Just really entangled with someone who you're miserable with because they're not able to meet you and show up fully the way you want them to.

And so I'll say a piece about dating after 40 first.

It's an interesting paradox because you're older,

Which means you know yourself better and you have,

You know,

A more honed and developed BS meter.

So like you can pick up on things a lot more easily when someone is BSing you.

But on the other hand,

Because you're getting older and you may feel that the dating apps are unfair or that men are wanting to choose younger women.

And so there's a lot of insecurities around that part of getting older.

And so it's this interesting thing where you're feeling more secure and more comfortable in your skin as a person,

As a woman who's in her forties and you're really in your power in that sense.

But at the same time,

You're getting more and more wobbly about getting older and wondering,

You know,

Is someone gonna love me after 40?

So that's the kind of lens that I'm looking at this through and it can be a really difficult thing to,

You know,

Navigate through and that's what I help women with.

So the first clue is gonna be inconsistency.

So say you meet someone and they're,

Or you're chatting with someone online and they're one certain way and you say,

Oh,

You know,

This person's very upbeat,

They're very positive,

They're saying a lot of really cool things,

I like their vibe,

Their energy.

And then all of a sudden,

One day they're talking really negatively or they almost seem like they're a different person.

This can happen on,

You know,

On the phone,

It could happen chatting with someone,

It could happen if you go on a couple of coffee dates with someone and then one day they're one person,

The next date they're a totally different person.

You wanna really watch that.

You know,

Of course,

The side of someone's having a bad day,

That's normal,

Obviously,

Someone's not always gonna be upbeat and I'm not talking about,

You know,

Only dating someone who's like positive,

Positive,

Positive,

You don't want that either.

You want them to be human.

But the thing to watch out for is if they're really going up and down with their moods and they're very Jekyll and Hyde,

That's definitely something to watch out for.

Second thing,

Second clue,

Is you feel very uncertain around them,

More so than normal.

So maybe you're just really insecure about what,

You know,

When they're gonna message you or,

You know,

They haven't answered you in an hour,

What does that mean?

Or I wonder what they meant by that,

When they said XYZ,

What did they mean?

And you get really dialed into all the insecurities,

Just really come up and you,

If you think about it for a minute,

You don't feel like,

Or you feel like it's more than normal,

That somehow all your insecurities are coming up around this person.

That's your intuition.

And that's a kind of a red flag telling you that you're just feeling really off about this person.

And there's a reason why,

And it could be nothing against them.

Maybe it's just that you're not going to be compatible and that your intuition is trying to tell you,

You're not gonna feel really secure or feel able to be yourself around this person.

And so it's an off match just from the beginning.

Now,

The third one is their words don't match their actions.

And this is kind of similar to number one,

But it's more specific.

So the person will say,

Oh,

I love,

You know,

Having in-depth conversations with people,

Or I really love to do XYZ.

But then when it comes down to it,

Say you start to get into an in-depth conversation and they completely clam up,

Or they say,

Oh,

I'm all for this kind of,

You know,

Thing.

Like I really advocate for this group or that group.

And then you notice in the moment that they're being really rude to someone,

Or they're not,

You know,

They just don't want to pet your dog or whatever when they said they just love animals.

So watching that is a definite red flag.

That's a clue that they're unavailable because they're not emotionally being honest with you.

And that is a form of being unavailable.

When someone is not able to be upfront with you,

That is being unavailable.

And you want to remember that.

You want to make sure that you check and see and take note of these inconsistencies because they are not something you'd want to have for,

And you can't really create a loving and secure relationship in that circumstance.

And number four,

Physical attraction that feels like a high.

Now I used to,

Here's a perfect example of being younger and then in your forties.

When I was younger in my twenties,

I used to love when I would have that high of attraction where I'd be so physically attracted to the person.

It was like less at first sight,

You know,

It was just like through the roof attraction.

And almost like if someone gave you 10 chocolate bars,

You're just like on this high,

And it's more so than normal.

Again,

Of course,

You're going to be excited if you're attracted to the person and you're going to have all those feelings and amazing butterflies and everything.

I'm talking when it just goes off the rails and you are just so consumed by this attraction and it feels like a high,

And it's just so apparent and obvious and so extreme.

That is also a red flag and an indication that this person is probably not going to be right for you because you're having almost like your body is telling you something negative,

Again,

Like a red flag.

And this is slightly not related to being unavailable,

But this is more so being incompatible.

So you don't want to be with someone that you're not compatible with.

And your body is trying to tell you that when you're around the person,

It's the same as,

You know,

Feeling uncertain with someone.

When you're around them,

You are feeling thrown off.

You know,

Your nervous system is going off.

Either you're feeling uncertain or you're feeling this high.

It's just this instability,

This feeling of being insecure,

Not being able to feel grounded around that person.

That is an incompatibility.

And it can also be an indication that they are unavailable in the sense that maybe their presence,

What they're actually wanting is really not matching what they're saying and your nervous system is like,

This is just someone who wants just one thing or they're not really into a relationship.

This could be a warning sign.

And when you're in your forties,

I find that I wanted more of that steady,

Slow burn.

So that feeling of being attracted to the person right away,

But in a very low key kind of way and still feeling really grounded.

That would be the difference.

And the last piece,

Number five,

Is they're very attentive to you.

That's a clue that they're unavailable.

This may sound very strange,

But I will break it down for you.

So for example,

Say they meet you on a coffee date and they're just so interested in asking you questions.

And they're like,

Tell me more,

Tell me all about this.

And just asking questions and just all in listening to you and just enraptured with what you're saying and fully immersed in everything and keeping the conversation going by asking questions,

Lots of questions.

Now,

You wanna know why this is a clue that he's unavailable?

Because guess what?

He's not saying anything about himself.

He's so attentive.

Like,

So if you say,

Oh,

That's my story.

So what about you?

And then they're just like,

Oh,

But I wanna hear more about this.

It's actually a ploy to keep all of the attention off themselves.

So you don't wanna be with someone like that.

They're unavailable because they're gonna keep all the attention on you and you're gonna walk away not knowing anything about that person.

And it's a form of self-preservation,

I guess you could say,

Where they're not wanting to reveal anything about themselves.

They don't want to emotionally open up to you.

So that's the last really surprising one that I found out when I got older that I finally figured it out that I don't want someone who's very attentive to me.

I want someone who is equal give and take.

That's what I was looking for.

And I found that in my husband.

And so,

And that's what I want for you.

So I hope these clues for unavailable men were very helpful for you,

Especially in the lens of dating after 40.

And this is truly Eleanor.