IFS Insight: Balancing Your Inner World

The episode explores the concept of balancing internal dynamics and finding harmony within ourselves using IFS. Tim shares personal stories of conflicting parts and how he was able to navigate them using Internal Family Systems (IFS).

Transcript

So how are your parts? And here's a story from my life this week. I was coming back from a meeting over the weekend. And it's the first time that I had an ambulance with lights and siren behind me as I was approaching a roundabout, A two lane roundabout, And I noticed my caretaker part, This part that really just wanted to help and get out of the way. So this ambulance could get where it was going, Was confused and tried approaching the roundabout, Tried to pull over to the side and the outer lane. And then that led into the roundabout and the outer lane and trying to pause and should have been on the inside lane. And the ambulance just eventually laid on its horn and was just blowing hard to get me out of the way. Then my firefighter jumped in and criticizing that caretaker. Why are you trying to do so much? Just pull over, Get out of the way. And so I did eventually just zoom around the roundabout and was grateful to be on my way, And I felt that flood of shame that in the past has led to a shame spiral, But this time was able to pause and say, Caretaker, You're doing the best that you can, We'll know next time and can do better, And the part that was jumping in, Firefighting and criticizing the caretaker really just wanted to protect me from shame and all that comes with it, So let it know that it was doing the best that it can and let that little one inside of me, That little Tim that's been pushed down and exiled, Know that it doesn't have to take on the shame. Either. And instead of going into that shame spiral, I was able to learn something and then move on. Uh, In the past, Things like that could have ruined a big part of my day and it was different this time. So hopefully that gives you some insight and that your parts can resonate in your life this week. Well, Today we're going to talk about balancing our internal world, A topic that's close to my heart because my two parts that were in conflict with that ambulance can resonate and it comes up all the time. And like many of you, I continue to personally experience the power of IFS and helping me navigate my own inner dynamics. Here's a, Yeah, Another personal touch that may be helpful. Several years ago, I was in the thick of juggling many responsibilities, Contemplating moving across the country from California to Wisconsin with my family, Which we've done and we've been here right at four years, I believe. But I was building my coaching practice, Raising a family and just trying to keep it all together. And I had one part of me, Let's call them the driver who's always pushing me to work harder, To plan ahead, To do more. And that part believed if I wasn't constantly achieving, Then I wasn't being responsible enough. And then there was another part of me who I'll call the caretaker, Much like the one that showed up in my story at the start of this episode, But this part wanted nothing more than for me to slow down, Be present with my family and take care of myself. And this part really wants to take care of others too. Or if I'm honest, That may be two parts. The part that was in the amulet story is more external caretaker, But this internal caretaker felt like my soul was withering from burnout and was desperate for some downtime. And you can probably imagine how these two parts, The driver and the caretaker were in constant conflict. And the more the driver pushed, The more the caretaker resisted. And I found myself caught in this exhausting tug of war. And that conflict I was feeling is an example of what we call internal dynamics in IFS and these two stories that I shared are representative of that, And these are the interactions between our parts and they can either create balance or chaos in our internal world. Some of you may be dealing with a similar dynamic, A part that wants to keep pushing forward and another part that just wants to rest. These internal conflicts can leave us feeling drained or stuck, Unsure of how to satisfy both sides. And in internal family systems, We understand that all of our parts have positive intentions, Even when they seem to be at odds. My driver wasn't trying to exhaust me. They were trying to make sure I was taking care of my responsibilities and my caretaker wasn't trying to derail my progress. They were simply trying to protect me from burnout. And the key to finding balance is learning how to listen to these parts and honor their needs. Which brings me to the role of self. And in IFS, Particularly for those who may be newer to the model or newer to the podcast, The self is the calm centered leader inside of each of us. The part that can observe all the other parts without getting caught up in their emotions. And when I was finally able to step into myself and listen in a caring and compassionate way to both my driver and my caretaker, Something interesting happened and it continues to happen instead of feeling like I had to choose between working and resting. I realized I could mediate between these parts and find a way to honor both. I wasn't practicing IFS as much as I am now, A few years ago. But if I was, I could imagine really feeling the pressure from both parts, Just like I felt in that story and the roundabout and sitting down and having a conversation with both of them. Asking my driver, Why do you feel like I need to keep pushing so hard? And them telling me something like they were afraid that if I slowed down, Everything I'd work for would fall apart. And then asking my caretaker, What's happening for you when the driver takes over and them expressing how scared they were that I'd burn out and lose touch with the people I cared about. And by holding space for both parts, Being able to understand their fears and intentions, Not having to silence either of them, But instead finding a way to balance their needs by setting clear boundaries, Letting my driver know that we'd set work hours and outside of those hours, It was time to let the caretaker take the lead so I could rest and spend time with my family. And I still have this conversation and it's still a struggle. And, Uh, I know the struggle is real and I suspect I'm not alone in this experience. Many of you may have different parts that clash in similar ways. One of the most common dynamics that I've seen in my own work and in my work as an IFS practitioners between the inner critic and the part that doesn't like it. And then there's always, Or often a more vulnerable part underneath that they're usually both having the same intention in different ways to protect, But they don't know this. Your inner critic might constantly tell you that you're not doing enough or that you're not good enough. And another part that responds, Yes, You are. And it may have some fears of the critic while that younger, More vulnerable part continues to be exiled and hurt. And this is the opposite of what both protectors are wanting. They're doing the best that they can because they're younger too. They don't know that there's a better way. And these two protective parts can often get stuck in a cycle of criticism, Responding to criticism and shame. For me, The turning point is when I stopped seeing my parts as the problem. And when I start or started seeing them as parts of myself that needed attention and care. And once I stepped into myself at calm and compassionate core and extended some of this calmness and curiosity to my parts and listened, I've been able to shift from feeling like I'm constantly pulled in two directions to feeling more balanced and aligned. And I still feel torn and we're never going to be in total self-energy, But just being aware of our parts, Helping them unblend so that we can see them and they can know they're not alone keeps them from those extreme roles to where they think they're driving the bus because they're not alone. They don't have to. There's a better way. So let's look at some steps to help do this. First is mindful awareness. And this is not a new topic to those who've listened for a while. This is just by starting to notice when you feel intense internal conflicts and it may be helpful to name your parts like the driver and the caretaker so that you can better identify when they're triggered and at play. Another way is open dialogue, Inviting these parts into dialogue and asking them what they need, What they're afraid of. You might be surprised at how much clarity this brings. I found that once my driver felt heard, They didn't need to push as hard. Or when that firefighter that jumped in in the roundabout felt seen, Didn't have to criticize so hard. And once my caretaker feels valued, They can relax without feeling like I'm abandoning my goals of taking care of myself. And ultimately, That younger, More vulnerable part, As my protectors trust me, I can go to that little Tim that's pushed down. And he's often not as bad off as those protectors think, But they can see that he can let go of those burdens and those protectors can, Too. Another way, Boundaries and balance. It may be helpful to set boundaries that allow each part to have space. It may look like defining clear work hours like I did with my driver or like I'm continuing to do with my driver, If I'm honest, Because, Man, He loves to work. But if he can have some dedicated, Focused work time, It's helpful for him. And then switching off to let my caretaker have time for rest and connection. Then finally, Bring compassion to the process, That self-compassion. If you're feeling torn between parts, Remember that all of them are trying to help you in their own way. And for me, When I realize that both sides of that conflict, Whether it's a driver and a caretaker or something else, We're working to protect me, To protect a younger me even. But they didn't know that, That things are different now. I've been able to approach them with understanding instead of frustration, And we're able to get more clarity. But balancing our internal dynamics isn't something that happens overnight. It's a process of learning to listen, Communicate, Mediate between parts. But when we do this work, We can create more harmony within ourselves, Leading to greater peace in our lives. I know that's been true for me and continues to be true, And I believe it can be true for you, Too. And so as you go through your week, I encourage you, And I'll extend this challenge to me too, To notice when your parts are in conflict. Take a moment to step into yourself and see if you can hear from both sides. What are they trying to tell you? How can you honor each part without letting one take over?