Boundaries Are An Act Of Self-Care

Boundaries are about trusting ourselves. Trust that we will be responsible for taking care of ourselves by setting and enforcing those boundaries. They have a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves, our self-worth and self-confidence. Music by Narek Mirzaei, Relaxation (8 Hz).

Transcript

Boundaries are an act of self-care. Boundaries are about trusting ourselves. Trust that we will be responsible for taking care of ourselves by setting and enforcing those boundaries. That is self-care. When we trust ourselves, Then we can project that trust outward onto others. We can trust our friends, Family, And even strangers. Boundaries can look like rules that our parents set. These are, Again, About trusting ourselves and then extending that onto our parents. If the rule is curfew, Like being home at 8 p. M. On weeknights, Then we have a choice to respect and follow that rule or not. If we trust ourselves and want to take care of ourselves, Looking out for our own best interest, Then we come home by 8 p. M. On weeknights. That is us assuring ourselves that we are taking responsibility for ourselves. If we choose to break the rule, Then we are breaking trust in ourselves by putting ourselves into a situation where there could be consequences. Our parents are role-modeling boundaries by setting and enforcing the curfew. This is hugely important, Both the setting the rule, In this example curfew, Which demonstrates care for our safety and well-being. We probably all have experience with this because the youth in this example is still developing cognitively and might not completely comprehend what their parents are doing. Youth will see this as their parents trying to control them or ruin their fun, Even when in actuality they're taking care for the child's safety and well-being. The second part of the example is about enforcing the boundary, Curfew, Which is equally important. Rules have to be firm, Fair, And consistent. Firm in the way that they have an impact that matters. They have to have an impact equal to or greater than the results of breaking the rule. They have to be fair in a way that they are not excessive and unrealistic and consistent. This may honestly be the most important part of the three. Kids develop trust when they know that the enforcement of the parental rules is unwavering. If I break the rule, I can be guaranteed a consequence every time. I may not necessarily like it, Yet I can trust it. This gives me information to make future decisions. If the consequences are inconsistent, Then we don't ever know what to anticipate. This develops an intermittent reinforcement dynamic, Which is incredibly unstable and even toxic in relationships. We cannot count on, In this example, Our parents to keep their word. When we cannot count on our role models to keep their word, Then we question them, Which in turn is us questioning ourselves. Trust all the way around is diminished. Boundaries are also about what we accept and do not accept. Trusting ourselves not to compromise ourselves. Let's not get compromising ourselves confused with compromising in communication, Like about where to go to dinner or who's going to do which chores. Compromising ourselves is agreeing to do things we don't want to do or choosing to be talked into doing something. When we compromise ourselves, We are not trusting ourselves and we are letting ourselves down in the process. This is about how we feel about ourselves. If we are operating from a space of not good enough or not worthy, Then we are more likely to lack boundaries. We glean our self-esteem and even self-confidence from outside of ourselves, And this is fleeting and not sustainable. When we radically accept that we are good enough and at the same time a work in progress, Then our self-esteem and self-confidence come from within, Which is genuine. Where does not good enough come from? Honestly, Sometimes we don't even know. It is an agreement we make with the universe in early childhood and damn near everyone resonates with it on some level. Then they spend their entire lives operating from that agreement by trying to prove themselves to others in a way to assuage that agreement with themselves. I said we may not even know how that became a subconscious agreement and I will give you an example to help explain. Let's say we are three years old and want to show our mom what a big kid we are by getting ourselves breakfast one morning. There we are at the table with our bowl of cereal, Struggling to pick up the gallon of milk to pour into it, And just as we are tipping that jug, Mom walks in to see us spill the milk and she automatically blurts out, Ah! In that very moment, Our little three-year-old brain, Which is cognitively still in black and white thinking, Goes straight to something like, Mom hates me and I'm not good enough. Bam! Ego locks on to that and it becomes an underlying belief that haunts us from that moment forward. The good news is, We can overcome this. It is not just important to care for ourselves by having boundaries. It is okay. In counseling sessions with clients, I've heard people say that they think having boundaries is mean or that boundaries will hurt people. That is people-pleasing. My response is, Yeah, It is mean. To ourselves. And we are the ones who ultimately get hurt because we are devaluing ourselves in order to please someone else. Boundaries absolutely include saying no. That means getting comfortable saying it. No is not negative, Nor is it positive. It is an empowering response when we give it as an act of self-care. And, No is also a complete sentence. We can dress it up with a thank you if we choose to. To say this bluntly, We do not have to qualify our no with a reason, Rationale, Or explanation. In fact, That is another way of not trusting that our choice is good enough and quite frankly, People know our qualifier is an excuse and that sucks. It is a beautiful practice to say no thank you rather than no because dot dot dot. No one is to blame for our lack of boundaries. It isn't our parents, Caregivers, Role models fault. It isn't even our fault. It is a result of so much more than that. Blame does not get us anywhere except stuck. We are conditioned by literally everything around us not to have boundaries and that we are not good enough. It is our responsibility to take note of this and do it differently for ourselves because we are a living embodiment of the universe and exist for a reason, For a purpose. We are good enough and a magnificent work in progress.