Over-Giving & Over-Functioning

Welcome to Day 6 of the 10-Day Boundary Challenge. Over-functioning refers to doing more than your share and being unclear about what IS your responsibility and what’s NOT. The focus of today’s session is to raise your awareness about where you might be over-giving, over-functioning or over-doing and ideas of what to do instead.

Transcript

Well,

Hello and welcome to day six of the boundaries challenge.

I'm your host,

Terry Cole.

In the first half of the challenge,

We covered boundary myths,

Why setting boundaries is hard along with boundary bullies,

Boundary violations,

And your VIP section.

Today we're going to be raising your awareness about where you might be over giving,

Over functioning,

Or over doing.

So over functioning refers to doing more than your share and being unclear about what is your responsibility and what's not.

So at work,

It might mean picking up the slack for someone on your team and doing work that isn't yours because not doing that creates too much anxiety for you.

In your relationships,

If you feel that other people's problems or issues are yours to figure out or you do more than your share of the housework,

Bill paying,

Child rearing,

Et cetera,

This too is a form of over functioning and codependency to boot.

A common consequence of chronic over functioning is getting locked into relationships with under functioners.

So it's like the more you do,

The less they do.

And this is a pattern that creates frustration,

Anger,

And confusion in relationships.

Have you ever been in a relationship,

Romantic or platonic,

Where you regularly did more than your share of the work and they regularly did less than theirs?

Were they over functioned?

You over functioned and they under functioned.

Or did it start out more balanced and then developed into an over and under functioning dynamic?

I'm going to dive quickly into a little case study.

I had a client who was a mom of a grown man.

She was in her 60s and she had a 40 year old son.

And every week her son would come and drop his laundry off at his mother's house and she would do it and he would come on Sunday for Sunday dinner and pick it up.

And that is fine if that was fine for her,

But she got to the point in her sort of mental health that she was like,

He's 40.

I don't think I need to be doing his laundry anymore.

And so we go over how she's going to talk about it and tell him how she feels and reassure him that she loves him,

But she just doesn't want to do his laundry anymore.

And after they had the conversation,

Her son said,

Mom,

I thought you loved doing my laundry.

I thought it was just one of the many ways that you show that you loved me.

I really didn't know that you minded doing it.

And this really speaks to the lack of communication when we are not clear and transparent about how we feel about things.

That was a perfect example of literally her son thought she would,

She would be upset if he didn't let her do his laundry.

And so both of them were happy to stop that dynamic.

Actually he wasn't upset about her not doing it and she felt relieved and felt really good about herself being able to set that limit with her grown son.

But this type of behavior also that I described in that story is a form of codependency,

Which is built on disordered boundaries.

And honestly,

It's exhausting,

Which is why my client didn't want to do it anymore.

She had enough of her own laundry to do the first step to changing anything that has to do with disordered boundaries is to recognize it.

So I'm going to talk about overfunctioning characteristics now,

And I want you to see if any of them resonate with you.

You might want to grab your journal and take note of the ones that really land as it may help you with today's mindful action.

Being overly focused on or actively solving another person's problem.

Frequently giving unsolicited advice.

Doing things that are a part of another person's responsibilities.

You may be doing it because they're asking you,

Or you may be doing it simply on your own.

You're just literally serving yourself up.

Feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

Like if you don't do it,

No one is going to.

Feeling exhausted from doing too much.

Being underappreciated and resentful for doing too much.

And when you think about stopping overfunctioning for loved ones or in your relationship,

It creates anxiety and a sense of being out of control.

So if you resonated with even half of those,

If even half of them made you go,

Yep,

That's me.

It's safe to say that you are overfunctioning in your life.

And I love this quote from Brene Brown.

For overfunctioners,

It's easier to do than to feel.

Now ain't that the truth?

People,

I can identify with that.

So today's daily action,

We're going to take a moment right now to do an overfunctioning inventory.

And we're going to get specific about which relationships you might be overfunctioning in.

And keep in mind everything that we're doing in this boundaries challenge,

We are doing with out self judgment and without judgment of others.

We're just gathering the facts and raising our awareness so you can make healthier boundary choices.

So I want you right now bring to mind one of the relationships that you think you're overfunctioning in could be at work,

Could be someone in your family.

Let's not have it be minor children.

It's got to be people who are of age.

So I want you to write down who the person is,

What you're doing for them,

That they should really be doing for themselves or that is actually someone else's job.

And name exactly what you do that is not your responsibility.

So we're going to take the next few minutes journaling so you can really start to identify the who the what specifically what you were doing.

And I'm going to keep my eye on the timer and I'll let you know when it's time to stop.

Okay,

Please finish up what you're writing and let's check in.

How are you feeling after assessing the overfunctioning?

Did it make you feel anxious to recognize it,

To think about stopping it?

Did you have any aha moments?

What did you learn?

Because raising your awareness is the first step to combating overfunctioning.

Once you know where you're doing it,

You can begin to make small changes to put appropriate boundaries in place.

And a gentle reminder that between now and our next session together,

Please listen to your boundary meditation,

Which you'll find on my profile.

I cannot wait to read your comments and I will see you tomorrow where we will be talking all about auto advice.

Reviews

Im very curious about this topic. Want to Ask for clarification about a thing. If im healing from codependency and i then overgive A lot (more than i maybe realise - energy, attention, presence etc). Maybe it becomes an expectation for other people to give me as much as i give them? I feel like i can be really frustrated or even dissapointed at people who doesnt give me just as much as i would. Ex healing from burnout atm, if my friends would have been in the same situation i would have called, showed up much more then them. Just an example. Or even in relationships - that what i ”bring” to the table - energy etc is much more then they bring? But maybe this is based on codependency more than a give and take relationship? This is hard to understand for me. Thanks in advance❤️‍🩹

I'm curious about how to navigate this topic with your teen children.
Thank you for your feedback, Terri! I just watched your interview. Very interesting. I'm going to tead both your books😊

Mind blowing new concepts to me. Could be life changing. Thank you.

I recognize myself in giving unsolicited advice. I see over functioning as evidence of mistrust in either the relationship or the handling of the situation

Excellent! Right to the point. Powerful practice to help understand relationships.

Each session is very enlightening! I learn something new every time. Thanks!

Thanks. Funny hiw we can be overfunctioning in some relationships and under in others

Helpful

I wish I would have found this advice years ago.It feels like I'm finding missing pieces of my life puzzle.

Enlightening and gentle. Opening awareness organically, so I may be healed

This was another good reminder but it did make me a bit anxious. Whenever I over function which is really not that often any longer, it is about love. I can’t separate the fact that I simply go the extra mile or two for those that I love from over-functioning when I do so. My effort isn’t always appreciated though so what I thought about in this session was to stay aware of my inclination to do this and dial back a bit.

Excellent

Just what I needed to reflect today 🙏❤

Wonderful. Eye opening!!

Brilliant

Today’s meditation was very insightful. I just aware of myself that I am over functioning all my life and I just stuck with under functioning people of different relationship. I need to set goals for clear boundaries. Thank you for this topics.

I felt so free after journaling here about my over-functioning. I just recently quit doing this for a person and as hard as it was and they got upset, that is was what I had to do. Thank you.